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Also, good to see Mama Mia back on track. One would almost think that people had a sudden burst of spare time what with alll the wonderful AAR's being revived/started this month. And given the long gap in your last update....
People/Glass houses < stones
Hey, mine was only a hiatus between updates, while yours tend to be updates between hiatuses
Anyway, I wasn't criticising, just saying that any extra updates will be a treat 
mayorqw - Thanks for stopping by. It has been my experience that you can never have too many good things, expecially when they involve Flux.
FlorisDeVijfde - Thank you for your subscription. A lovely set of our steak knives is on its way to you.
aldriq - Well, time moves differently for us Old Ones. A case in point being that tomorrow 3 days ago really means tomorrow after today. And I think the plural is hiatii.
I've finished typing the next part. The pictures are a little iffy but one of my sources appears to have dropped off the face of the interweb so I had to scramble to find what I was looking for. I also want to proof read the text again as I think some of the dialogue meanders (or at least meanders more than usual for this AAR). So I hope to get it up tomorrow night - for realz this time - unless I get a bit drunkity drunk drunk and/or lucky after work on Friday (my moneys on the former unfortunately).
FlorisDeVijfde - Thank you for your subscription. A lovely set of our steak knives is on its way to you.
aldriq - Well, time moves differently for us Old Ones. A case in point being that tomorrow 3 days ago really means tomorrow after today. And I think the plural is hiatii.
I've finished typing the next part. The pictures are a little iffy but one of my sources appears to have dropped off the face of the interweb so I had to scramble to find what I was looking for. I also want to proof read the text again as I think some of the dialogue meanders (or at least meanders more than usual for this AAR). So I hope to get it up tomorrow night - for realz this time - unless I get a bit drunkity drunk drunk and/or lucky after work on Friday (my moneys on the former unfortunately).
By Any Other Name (continued)
March 1461
Outside Edinburgh Castle
[SCENE: Inside YORK’s campaign tent. The sounds of a siege can be heard from outside. YORK, HASTINGS, EDWARD and EDMUND are gathered around a table with maps strewn over it as NICK, FLUX, RICHARD and GEORGE hang back and listen]
YORK: We need to change strategies. Since we smashed the Scottish army at Durham there is no serious threat of battle in the field. Their raw levies are easily dispersed as soon as they are raised. But the castles are taking too long to besiege one by one. Particularly with Lord Percy madly storming castles on the west coast and our Portuguese allies charging through the Highlands. If we don’t hurry up, there will be nothing left for us to claim at the bargaining table.
HASTINGS: It’s even worse than that. Lord Warwick reports unrest in England. Parliament continues to defy his will and the local lords have taken to not enforcing the government’s ordinances.
EDMUND: So much for uniting the country.
GEORGE: Why don’t we storm the castles? Like Lord Percy!
EDWARD (irritated): Because we don’t have the men to waste. Lord Percy wears out his regiments in futile assaults that they take months to recover from and drain OUR manpower down to zero which means there is no-one left to fill the ranks of the regiments here. We need to conserve strength by starving the castles out.
YORK: Which is taking too long.
RICHARD: Why don’t we split up? We have more than enough men to hold the siege here. Why not send the excess off to cover other castles at the same time to sit the garrisons out.
GEORGE: Don’t be silly, Dick. (RICHARD glares at him) Eddie just said we need to conserve our strength.
YORK: He’s right! (GEORGE smirks and RICHARD frowns) Richard, I mean, not you, dimwit. (RICHARD smirks and GEORGE frowns) Good lad. If we split the army up, we will cover more castles whilst also spreading the area for the men to draw forage from. That should reduce the attrition on the men and save even more troops. Sir William, get 5,000 men ready. I want you to push up as far as you can towards Stirling whilst we hold the siege here. Keep the lines of communication to our base here open through a chain of castles as you take them. We will catch up once we are finished here. And take Edward with you. He could use the experience.
EDWARD: May I take Richard, Lord Nick and Lady Flux. One never knows when they may come in handy.
YORK: Yes, of course.
GEORGE: And me, too.
EDWARD, HASTINGS and RICHARD: No!
YORK: Yes. I could do with the break. I will keep Edmund here in case you are all killed. Always important to keep an heir in hand.
EDWARD: That’s what I love about you, father. Always thinking of others.
YORK: I try, my boy. I try.
[SCENE: Outside a Scottish castle, HASTINGS et al approach the walls under a flag of truce]
GEORGE: I still say we should have gone with my idea of the giant rabbit.
EDWARD: Oh, shut up,George! I’m in charge. We’re doing it my way.
GEORGE (whining): I thought father put Sir William in charge.
EVERYONE: Shut up, George!
(As they approach the wall)
MAN AT ARMS (shouting down from the walls): Halt! Go nae furrrtherrr. What is yerrr business?
HASTINGS: I seek a parley with your Lord. To discuss a proposal.
MAN AT ARMS: What prrroposal?
HASTINGS: That is something to be discussed with your Lord, not you. But I can say that if your Lord agrees with my proposal, it will save many lives, including yours.
(After a short wait, the castle gates open and the Lord rides out to meet the group)
SCOTTISH LORD: I am Malcolm of McLarrren, Laird of Stirrrling and its surrrrounds. I hear ye have a proposal for me.
HASTINGS: Good day, my Lord. I do. I have no desire to put both my army and your men to the privations and inconvenience of a siege. A siege which you know will never be relieved. A siege which can only end in your surrender or the slow death from starvation and disease for you and your men.
McLAREN: I’ll not surrrrenderrr at the first Boo from an Englishmun.
HASTINGS: Nor would I expect you to. No, my Lord. I am a betting man. I am prepared to put the result in the laps of the Gods to pick the better side. I am prepared to wager that man for man, anyone in my army is better than any of your soldiers. And as proof, I propose a challenge. If your man bests mine in single combat, we leave forthwith and besiege someone else. If my man beats yours, you surrender the castle. You and your men lay down arms and fight no more in this war, or even better, swear to hold the castle for York and be generously paid for the job. And to make it sporting, you can even fight the weakest of us all, this flaxen haired doxy.
(FLUX looks around to see who HASTINGS is referring to)
NICK (whispering): He means you.
FLUX: Oh. (indignantly) Hey!!!
(McLAREN eyes up FLUX)
McLAREN: Nice trrry, Sirrr William. But we’ve alrrready heard aboot this wee slip of a gell. I’ll not rrrisk my keep against this she devil’s blade. (HASTINGS at al sigh in disappointment) But I am willing to take yourrr wagerrr on something closer to ma hearrrt. A drrrinking contest. Me against the lass.
HASTINGS: Done. Bring out the mead.
McLAREN: Not so fast. We don’t drrrink that waterrred down horrrse piss you English swill. Up here, a man drrrinks only the finest of God’s drrrams. Usquebae (confused looks from NICK and FLUX) The Water of Life.
NICK & FLUX (grinning): Shai-Hulud!!!
HASTINGS: No.
FLUX: Yes.
HASTINGS: No! You don’t know how powerful this stuff is!
FLUX: Trust me, darlin’. I was raised on Wild Turkey. I can stand a little of the good stuff for a change. (turns to McLAREN) Bring it on, bad boy.
[SCENE: A table in a field (again). FLUX and McLAREN sit facing each other with 10 shot glasses in front of each of them. The English and Scottish soldiers stand on either side, with some money passing back and forth as bets are placed]
McLAREN: The rrrules are these. We take turrrns drrrinking a shot. Firrrst to rrrefuse, pass out or vomit loses. Agrrreed?
FLUX: Agreed.
McLAREN: Ladies firrrst.
FLUX: I had a feeling you were going to say that.
(FLUX lifts a glass, gingerly sniffs at it and then downs the shot and slams the glass on the table. She winces a bit as the shot hits home)
FLUX (hoarsely): Whoa, that’s smooth.
(FLUX then coughs a bit and McLAREN smiles. McLAREN downs his shot and ostentatiously up ends his glass on the table. FLUX and McLAREN then take turns downing 2 more shots each. FLUX starts to get a bit wobbly and blinks. She slowly lifts the next shot and hesitates. As the Scottish soldiers begin to roar, McLAREN grins and goes to stand up in triumph, albeit unsteadily)
FLUX: Hold your horses, Scotty. It ain’t over yet. (looks to the heavens) Come on Jim Beam, give me strength.
(FLUX downs the shot)
(McLAREN eyes his next shot glass warily. He raises it and downs the drink but is looking decidedly unsteady and almost falls out of his chair but is righted by some of his men. McLAREN grins drunkenly and upends the glass.
FLUX looks at the table, looks at McLAREN, looks at the table and then drunkenly turns to look at NICK. Then she wheels back to stare McLAREN straight in the eye and downs a series of shots, one after the other, slamming each glass on the table. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam)
FLUX (staring menacingly at McLAREN with her face only inches away from his): I know what you’re thinkin’. Did she have six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all of this excitement, I kinda lost track myself. But seein’ as this is an Islay single malt, the most powerful whiskey in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
(McLAREN’s hand shakes as he reaches for the glass. FLUX’s eyes narrow in a steely glare. McLAREN looks at the glass and then at FLUX, and pulls his hand back. FLUX rises in triumph and walks away to the roar of the English troops)
McLAREN (to FLUX): Hey! Hey! (FLUX turns back to McLAREN) I gots to know.
(FLUX goes back to the table, lifts the last glass and turns it upside down over the ground. McLAREN and the Scots gasp at the waste of whiskey but nothing comes out. FLUX smiles and walks off)
McLAREN: Sonofabitch.
[MONTAGE of FLUX drinking shots and vanquishing opponents who pass out/vomit/withdraw]
Go ahead
Make my day!
[SCENE: HASTINGS et al approach another castle]
HASTINGS (calling up to a soldier on the battlements): Call forth your Laird, my good man. We come with a challenge for him.
SOLDIER: We have no laird. And I’m not a man.
HASTINGS (confused): What?
SOLDIER: I’m not a man, I’m a woman.
HASTINGS: I’m terribly sorry. It’s just that from this distance, I just assumed…
SOLDIER: You just assumed that because I was standing in a position of authority, I had to be a man. Because women couldn’t possibly do such *difficult and dangerous* work as to stand on a castle wall.
HASTINGS: Well, yes. And the moustache. Anyway, if you have no laird, who rules these lands?
NICK (as an aside): I’m guessing an anarcho-syndicalist lesbian commune. (dig in the ribs from FLUX)
SOLDIER: I serve the Lady of the Loch. I will let her know of your arrival.
(The castle gates open and the Lady rides forth, martially attired. The Lady dismounts and the men gasp in surprise at her rather familiar outfit. FLUX is miffed)
LADY: My name is Zut. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax. What do ye want, English?
FLUX (stepping forward and with an accusatory tone): Where did you get those clothes?
ZUT: Do ye like them? Lord McLaren brought an English seamstress back from London last year, Vivienne of the West Wood. She assured me that this was the latest fashion. (FLUX fumes)
Does this dress make my arse look fat? (And remember who’s holding the katana)
EDWARD (stepping forward, with a smarmy voice): Gracious lady, you are a vision of beauty. We have travelled far to Scotland just to gaze upon your loveliness…
ZUT: Shut it, laddie. I know why ye’re here. I’ve heard all about yer drinking games. Ye’ll find Scottish women are a harder nut to crack than those drunken louts of the menfolk.
(ZUT turns to FLUX as servants bring out a table and chairs)
ZUT: None of that shot rubbish for me. At Castle Anthrax, we drink the strongest whiskey by the cup. One cup and only one cup each. First to finish is the winner.
(Two large cups with decorative motifs are placed on the table. FLUX and ZUT sit down as the men gather around)
RICHARD (to NICK): Doctor, look!
NICK: What?
RICHARD: Look at the decorations on the cups! A vessel with a pestle and a chalice with a palace. Remember you once taught me that the pellet with the poison would be found in the chalice with the palace.
NICK: No, the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice with the palace has the brew that is true.
RICHARD: Isn’t that the flagon with the dragon?
NICK: No, the pellet with the dragon is in the flagon with the poison. I mean, the pestle with the vessel has the brew that is true?!?! Or is that the chalice with the dragon? The pestle with the vessel?
(NICK and RICHARD mutter in confusion in the background as the women go to lift their cups.
In exasperation, RICHARD lunges forward and knocks the cup out of FLUX’s hand. The cup smashes on the ground)
ZUT: You stupid boy!
RICHARD: Forgive my clumsiness, my lady.
(RICHARD looks down at the table in satisfaction but then changes to a look of horror)
RICHARD: Oh no! Doctor – look! Two girls….
NICK (looks down and realises): ...One cup (thwack)
(The roundhouse from FLUX knocks NICK flying, smashing the table and the remaining cup)
ZUT (in frustration): A siege it is then!
EDWARD (in a smarmy voice): My Lady, surely there must be another means for us to demonstrate our worth to win over the trust of this most delicate flower of Scotland. Perhaps I could offer some special (ahem) services to secure passage to your keep.
ZUT (Carefully considering the offer): It has been almost a year since the English killed my husband at Durham…
EDWARD: My Lady, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
ZUT (dismissively): Ah, sod him. He was a drunken tosser who was hung like a hamster and was finished before ye could say “tell me when ye’re in”. I’m better off without him. But it has been a long time since I’ve received… services. What the hell? What Scottish lass can say no to a squaddie?!? Alright, drop’em.
EDWARD (confused): Sorry?
ZUT: Here’s the deal. I pick your best man. If he can satisfy my needs, the castle is yers. If I’m not satisfied, I return the goods with a money back guarantee and ye leave. (turns to FLUX) And you’re not an option. (turns back to EDWARD, HASTINGS and NICK) Now drop ‘em.
EDWARD: I still don’t understand.
FLUX: She wants to have…
EDWARD: Yes, I understand that part. But drop what.
ZUT: Yer trousers. Drop em so I can check the merchandise. (still confused looks on the men’s faces) Look, if ye were Scottish, it would be easy. I could just do a quick flick to see what’s under the curtains and away ye go. Why else would men wear kilts? But ye English wear trousers, so… drop ‘em.
NICK: Now, look here. I’m terribly sorry but there is a certain amount of dignity expected of English nobility. They don’t just…
(NICK turns to see HASTINGS and EDWARD with their pants around their ankles)
(ZUT walks up to EDWARD, her eyes widen in shock)
NICK: Oh my God!
FLUX: Woof!
EDWARD: Yeah, baby. Come feel the might of York.
ZUT: I think not. I said satisfy, not impale.
(ZUT moves on to HASTINGS, looks down, shakes head and moves on, disappointed)
HASTINGS: Wait! No, come back! I, I, I had to cross a stream this morning. It was cold. THERE WAS SHRINKAGE!!! Edward, Nick, tell her about the shrinkage.
(EDWARD and NICK look away. ZUT moves on to NICK)
ZUT (to NICK): Trousers, please.
NICK (with crossed arms): I’m a doctor, not a gigolo.
FLUX (to NICK): What is your problem? Look, I’m not particularly wild about the idea of you knocking boots with that (glances at RICHARD) B.I.T.C.H but..
RICHARD: Mistress, I can spell.
FLUX: But if that’s what it takes to get the castle without losing a whole lot of lives. Well, some times you gotta take one for the team. Why you so skittish about this anyways? It’s not like you to knock back an empty, soulless f**k. Are you worried that it might compromise your ethical position as a physician?
NICK: No, no. It’s not that. You know I’ve never let ethics get in the way of a one night stand before. It’s just… it’s just that it’s not right. Being eyed over as a lump of meat. Depending on the whim of another to decide if they like what they see. Fearing all the silent criticisms of the deepest flaws of my body. That’s the girl’s role, not mine. I should be the chaser, not the chasee!
RICHARD: That’s chased, Doctor.
GEORGE (confused): Bitca? What’s a bitca? (everyone ignores GEORGE)
FLUX (whispers to NICK): If you don’t drop your pants right now, I will tell them that it’s because you prefer dudes.
NICK (in an agitated whisper in reply): I do not prefer dudes.
FLUX: O no? How about I tell everyone about the time I caught you making out with Max in that bar in Philadelphia.
NICK: Her name was Maxi and she was a girl.
FLUX: They don’t know that.
(FLUX stares determinedly at NICK)
NICK: Oh, alright. But I won’t enjoy it.
(NICK drops his pants and stands there with crossed arms in a mix of nervous embarrassment and feigned non-chalance. ZUT stares in wonder)
ZUT: Oh, oh my. I’ve never seen one like that before.
NICK: Um, my face is up here, thanks.
FLUX (whispering): Now you know how I feel.
ZUT: It is so perfect and smooth.
FLUX: Huh? Haven’t you seen a circumcised man before.
ZUT: Circumcision? What is that?
FLUX: Well, they stretch out the foreskin and then they take a knife and…
(Long shot of the group with the men suddenly cringing and screaming out in horror “No”, “Stop” and “That’s just not right”)
NICK: Don’t worry, I got it done when I was born so I don’t remember a thing. Anyway, that’s nothing compared to the time I got a Prince Albert.
ZUT: Who is Prince Albert?
FLUX: Well, they take a white hot wire and they…
(Another long shot of the group with the men rolling on the ground in agony)
FLUX: Say, what did happen to that ring?
NICK: I got it caught on Maxi's cl*t ring and…
(Long shot with both the men and women screaming out in horror and rolling on the ground in agony)
HASTINGS: Can we please get back to the business at hand. So to speak.
(ZUT bends over to take a closer look)
ZUT: Oh, it moved. I think it’s trying to speak. What is it little fella? Would you like to come inside to play with Zutie?
NICK: Please don’t talk to Captain Marvel?
FLUX: You call it Captain Marvel? Does it have magic powers if you say...
NICK: Oh God! Please don’t.
FLUX: …Shazam.
NICK: Oh no.
ZUT (squealing with delight): I love it, I love it. I must have it. Now!
(ZUT drags NICK off to the castle with NICK hobbling along with his pants around his ankles)
FLUX (to the rapidly departing couple): Don’t forget. SHE’S A CYLON!
[MONTAGE: Of the exterior of the castle at night. Every few minutes, ZUT can be heard shouting SHAZAM and then squealing]
(SCENE: ZUT’s bedroom the next morning, in total disarray. A thoroughly satisfied and dishevelled ZUT throws back to the sheets to revel NICK’s feet on the pillow next to her)
ZUT: The castle is yours. (she then grins mischievously) After one more go. SHAZAM. (NICK groans and ZUT giggles)
(SCENE: The Greeting Hall of the Castle Anthrax. ZUT sits in the Laird’s chair with HASTINGS et al in front, including a somewhat fatigued NICK)
ZUT: Lord Hastings, it is with great pleasure, in fact 15 great pleasures, that I surrender Castle Anthrax to your care. And as a sign of good faith in the future coupling of our causes, I have also passed word to my sisterhood of your coming to ensure safe passage.
HASTINGS: Sisterhood?
ZUT: Yes, the Sisterhood of the Weeping Wound. An order of four and twenty young widows of lairds slain in battle. We meet every 2 weeks to sing, dance, knit exciting underwear, and engage in mutual… comfort. They shall all greet you with open arms. Provided the Doctor extends his caring touch.
(NICK sighs tiredly)
[MONTAGE of NICK dropping his pants and being led off by various women]
The McGregor sisters get down to business
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FlorisDeVijfde - Yes, MP and the HG lends itself well to pre-renaissance storylines, particularly for photos. Unfortunately, the great Holy Grail picture database I found months ago has disappeared (or has not paid enough money to Google). Which is an important lesson for all authors - steal the material now because it may not be there when you are writing later.
I'm watching Season 3 of Buffy (again), this time on the ipod, so I am feeling inspired at the moment. I hope to have the last instalment of this episode typed, polished and up by Friday. I will (hopefully) have Friday off work so I can start writing Episode 4 then also.
I'm watching Season 3 of Buffy (again), this time on the ipod, so I am feeling inspired at the moment. I hope to have the last instalment of this episode typed, polished and up by Friday. I will (hopefully) have Friday off work so I can start writing Episode 4 then also.
Another hilarious update, for a moment I thought it would all end up with Malcolm of McDowell and a milk-drinking competition, but your end was even more shocking :rofl:
If you insist on Latin then it would be hiatus, but only doctors and lawyers cling to archaic plurals anyway
EDIT: I've just bestowed the Weekly AAR Showcase upon you. Treat it well and don't drop it! Congratulations!
If you insist on Latin then it would be hiatus, but only doctors and lawyers cling to archaic plurals anyway
EDIT: I've just bestowed the Weekly AAR Showcase upon you. Treat it well and don't drop it! Congratulations!
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Words fail me to describe what this AAR is. As I have already said. This should be made into my TV show!
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Now's as good a time as any to say that I've been following this AAR for a while now. Keep up the good work!
May I chime in and say that aldriq has shown me something fantastic by linking here?
The whole thing has been a joyride in a memetic storm on a hijacked historical theme. Although I must admit you're several times the pitchfork kid I am, and I mean that in the nicest, most envious kind of way.
The whole thing has been a joyride in a memetic storm on a hijacked historical theme. Although I must admit you're several times the pitchfork kid I am, and I mean that in the nicest, most envious kind of way.
aldriq - Thanks again for the award. It goes to show, it's not what you know but who you know... And obviously I'm a lawyer because we all know nobody can read doctor's writing.
mayorqw - From your lips to God's ear.
dinofs - Thanks for affirming my belief in your good taste in AAR's. Please feel free to drop in again any time.
RGB - I'm very glad to see you popping up here. I have greatly admired your work as both an author and commentator here over the years. At the risk of sounding naive, what is a pitchfork kid? The only pitchfork I know is this.
mayorqw - From your lips to God's ear.
dinofs - Thanks for affirming my belief in your good taste in AAR's. Please feel free to drop in again any time.
RGB - I'm very glad to see you popping up here. I have greatly admired your work as both an author and commentator here over the years. At the risk of sounding naive, what is a pitchfork kid? The only pitchfork I know is this.
Yes, that's exactly it, and the fact that you knew what I was talking about only proves it.
Thank you for your kind words, as well.
It's back! Given your impatient hounding of me I'd though the vast gap meant this was dead, but now I see it's just a harmless case of double standards!
Hilariously meme-tastic as always, though I fear I've probably used up my entire monthly allowance of references in one sitting.
Hilariously meme-tastic as always, though I fear I've probably used up my entire monthly allowance of references in one sitting.
NICK: Oh my God!
FLUX: Woof!
EDWARD: Yeah, baby. Come feel the might of York.
ZUT: I think not. I said satisfy, not impale.
MY GOSH i couldn't stop laughing . And then "don't forget SHE'S A CYLON !"
Honestly , I am not worthy - bow bow bow - NOT WORTHY ! Truly amazing how well you weave these together . Too good !
FLUX: Woof!
EDWARD: Yeah, baby. Come feel the might of York.
ZUT: I think not. I said satisfy, not impale.
MY GOSH i couldn't stop laughing . And then "don't forget SHE'S A CYLON !"
Honestly , I am not worthy - bow bow bow - NOT WORTHY ! Truly amazing how well you weave these together . Too good !
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It's 3AM and your children are safe and asleep...
But there's a courier at the Tower and he's running...
Something is happening in the world.
Your vote will decide who receives that message.
Whether it is someone who already knows the world's leaders, knows the military, someone tested and ready to lead in a dangerous world...
It's 3AM and your children are safe and asleep...
Who do you want answering the courier...
I'm Margaret of Anjou and I approve this message
Oh my God, this is brilliant . I believe I had a nerd-boner throughout that whole episode with its plethora of references to Monty Python, Xena, and Battlestar Galactica.
. I believe I had a nerd-boner throughout that whole episode with its plethora of references to Monty Python, Xena, and Battlestar Galactica.
It's important for the person that gets awoken at 3 am to know how to react immediately. I mean, we all know how crucial it is for his/her reply to reach the other world leaders in 1 month, and not 1 month and 5 hours.