Chapter 21: BeAAR Grease
The Paradox forums seem to be down more and more. Though it might just be me. My casual route is through europauniversalisiii.com and I go from there. But sometimes it doesn’t work. When that doesn’t work I try my “backdoor” which is to google victoria forums. That works... sometimes.
And while I was trying to work this out I got to thinking, “Now I know why Jim Morrison chose to sing ‘Backdoor Man.’” He obviously has problems getting into these forums too! It makes perfect sense. Now, who wants to go to his grave? Buuut, that’s in France or some weird place and its too far for anyone who reads this AAR so let’s go to Adal, why not, I’m having a royal marriage there in celebration of my government change to a Feudal Monarchy. See, its all relative.
First let me get rid of these ugly rebels, ugh. There, now I’m pretty enough for Adal. Ah, now I feel cleaner than Mary Jane Kelly after a slow night.
After some thinking on the matter I’ve notice my Chapter titles mean nothing when faced with the text and pics its supposed to cover. And out of habit, I capitalize the word Chapter no matter where I place it. Getting back into the spirit of my chapters meaning something this next bit of news gives some *maybe* definition to my reasons. In 1481 Naples declared war on the Mamluks. I was in heaven and was granted all my gifts early. But there’s a trick... the Mamluks don’t have friends. Not even the kind you can buy because they’re also at war with other nations.
The Mamluks v. (various alliances) Naples, the Ottoman Empire, Candar, Lithuania, Yaroslavl, Poland, Pisa and Mantua.
Royal marriages followed with the Ottomans and an alliance. This is sweeter than when I picked up some cherry pie at a Warrant concert.
And imagine my surprise when a few months later they joined me in my war against Sardinia!
Algiers, Montenegro, OE, Munster and GH v. Venice, Mantua, Aquileia, Brandenburg and Corsica.
On a side note, these guarantees in IN are ridiculous! Everyone guarantees everyone when you get to a certain point that its almost impossible to expand. It’d be nice to have this network primarily exist with the HRE but beyond that its annoying. Trying to find a vulnerable opponent is like trying to find Waldo... or Walley or wherever you’re from (he had different names in different parts of the world.) I know, I have a lot of useless information, a treasure trove of the unwanted. I guess that explains these puppies with their sad eyes.
I thought, “Hey, maybe I’ll be able to take down Mantua.”
Which seemed to work
While another army marched into Sardinia.
My victory (singular) in Milan would be shortlived when I encountered an insane Venetian stack. I sure could’ve used some global warming back then... and now too, its still cold. Anyone got any spare aerosol?
Meanwhile in Germany Brandenburg was sending over her own stack. I had to run away into Munster until the universally awesome Brandenburg agreed to let me pay them 25 ducats. But those are still some scary numbers because my allies aren’t helping at all!
Two months later (November 1483)
and three days later
They were happy to become a part of the Greater Algiers. I’ve learned from past mistakes and these people will receive no camels. That’s right, NO CAMELS! Not even the ones with lopsided humps or as they say in California, “The Valley Girl Before Plastic Surgery.”
A month later I was able to weasel a white peace with Aquileia, leaving me at war with Milan and Venice. Notice they only have three ships between the three of them so I have no fear of invasion. If they could invade that’d probably make conquering them so much easier.
By February I lost four regiments in Milan, testing the waters. Apparently there’s sharks in that pond ready and rearing to eat that Kintner boy. (Oh I know you know that one! Just think about old movies.)
Okay, so technically my allies were helping but you know allies. They’ll only show up with their navy, a minimal military force and do relatively nothing. So I relied on myself, stacking some of my units in Mantua, relying on the Montenegran/OE distraction and hoping I could get Milan to crumble before anything bad happened.
Woo! Bribes do work.
The Italian invaders (yes, technically we declared war but let’s not get caught up in trivial things) were put down and forced to become vassals, paying 75 ducats. A day later Venice agreed to my peace, ceding Azow to the Golden Horde (anything to weaken Venice), renouncing their Corsica claim and paying 50. I’m beginning to like this guarantee system more and more.
Oh! And the Timurids. I love the Timurids.