Papal Stated 1399 - 1406
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
…..
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
Pope: Yes I'm coming out bed already! I'm picking the phone up already. What do you want this time?
Heavy Voice: I have a mission for you!
Pope: Again? I'm not some kind of...
Heavy Voice: SILENCE!
Pope: Yes... but... what...
Heavy Voice: I shall tell you what you must do. Ferrara has been out of our influence for too long. You have to reclaim it. I can do it myself ofcourse. Did I already told you what I did to the....
Pope: They're not the kind of stories you can tell.
Heavy Voice: Too dirty?
Pope: A dirty mind is a joy forever, but it would not be appropriate here.
Heavy Voice: You might be right. But remember claim Ferrara.
Random other Servant: Your Holiness!
Pope: Yes?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Milan they...
Pope: Which day is it today actually?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): It's 31 October in the year 1399 your Holiness.
Pope: Ah good to know. So what were you telling again?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Milan, they declared war. War on Sardinia.
Pope: Oh there was something with Milan wasn't it?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Yes your Holiness. We warned them remember?
Pope: Oh right! What are you waiting for. Get my gear. I myself will command the holy army!
Random other Servant (but still the same one): As you command my Holiness.
Pope: YOUR Holiness.
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Oh no that would be you, your Holiness, not me.
Another Servant: Good news your Holiness. We are way more superiour then our allies.
Pope: Of course we are. We are the papal states.
Another Servant (but also still the same): How will we do this?
Pope: Well we have been raising a cavalry regiment and hiring some others haven't we? We will use them to siege Pisa and Siena.
*Interrupt*
Another Servant (but also still the same): And then?
Pope: Well if you didn't interrupt me I could have finished. Then after they are sieged, since they are the only provinces I want for now, we just raise more regiments and will invade Milan. We have military access after all through Ferrara. *Laughs Evilly*
Pope: Hmmmm this sieging is boring. Someone come up with an idea.
Just someone: Well depends on you, you Holiness. Do you want to be entertained or do you want to be just evil?
Pope: Just evil will be fine.
Just someone: Well you have some diplomats left. And it happened that our Roman brothers of Constantinople can use some help if the Ottomans are going to do nasty....
Pope: Soooo?
Just Someone: Well you can call for a crusade!
Pope: Brilliant. Let our nearby Christian Brothers take up arms to defeat the Ottomans while we expand our holy glorious nation.
Another someone: Your Holiness! Have you heard already?
Pope: What should I have heard?
Another someone: Scotland has inherit Britt- *BOOOOM*-y
Pope: You said what? I just believe we have won the siege of Pisa.
Another someone: Scotland has inherit Brittany.
Pope: And thus? Why should I care? They are brave believeing citizens aren't they?
Another someone: Well except they are following the pope of Avignon. But yeah way better then those Muslim heathens.
Eugenius Giustani: Your Holiness I like to offer you my service.
Pope: What service do you offer. If it's the standard service then I prefer young women.
Giustani: Not that kind of service your Holiness. I have made a new system of defense for cities. If my ideas get implented we can hold off hostile sieges longer.
Pope: Sounds good. You are hired!
*BOOOOM*
Pope: That must be Siena. Fallen in our hands.
Messenger: ...
Pope: Oh no this can't be good.
Messenger: Why not your Holiness?
Pope: because bad news is always told when a messenger appears.
Messenger: Messenger got often killed when they bring bad news wasn't it?
Pope: Yes, it's a tradition I don't like to break with.
Messenger: We got a call to arms from Savoy. Burgungy is touching them.
Pope: Unappropriate places?
Messenger: Well some might say it's Nice.
Pope: That is not Nice.
Messenger: They want to be Nice.
Pope: Not if I can help it.
*Messenger runs off*
*rain of coins*
*Pope sets up a happy face*
Pope: Damn Jean-Baptiste I. Being more faithfull to Avignon then to us.
*RIIIIIIIIIIING*
Pope: Yes?
Heavy Voice: Just do your thing.
Pope: I could do that...
Heavy Voice: Yes. Also hurry up with Ferrara.
Pope: YES WORKING ON IT *hangs up*
Pope: Yes a good idea. He must know that we are the only true pope. MUHAHAHA I find your lack of faith disturbing Jean-Baptiste!
A messenger (again): More news your Holiness.
Pope: Does it never stop?
A messenger: It's just the beginning of a long story
Pope: *Sighs*
A messenger: We might have killed him.
Pope: Who?
A messenger: Well him. The ruler of Milan.
Pope: Aaaah him. Just say that immediately.
A messenger: I thought I did.
Pope: No you did not.
A messenger: Anyways, the King of naples is leading their personal union now.
Pope: Ahw, that is annoying.
A messenger: Well we only have to war one of them now.
Pope: That is true. Very true *gniffles*.
In the meantime the Holy armies have been traveling around. Until they found the city of Brescia not as protected as it should be. No Milanese army was near and the armies of the Papal States decided to siege it.
Pope: It doesn't really go fast.
A Captain: Not really Your Holiness. But it's a big city. It might take some time.
Pope: Don't we have some prisoners from Siena or Pisa?
Captain: Yeah a few hundred of them.
Pope: Good. We should show those Milanese people what happens in the afterlife if they cross me.
Captain: What do you wan to do then?
Pope: Fix me some catapults first.
A few weeks later..
Captain: The catapults are ready.
Pope: Now use some prisoners as load.
Captain: But wouldn't that be cruel?
Pope: Well maybe, but hell is worse. I will make a call to make sure these prisoners get in heaven.
Captain: Ohw okay. Then it can be done.
Pope: When the catapults are loaded springle some oil over them. And light them. Then fire the catapults. We will give Brescia a real hell.
Captain: As you wish your Holiness.
And so the prisoners were set on fire and the first men in history did fly.
Pope: And still. If men were supposed to fly, God would have given us wings.
Brescia was set on fire and on 21 November 1403 they citizens gave up.
Citizens: Okay you damned pope. You win. Let us alone.
Pope: As you wish. I shall send our demand to your King, or should I say to the King of Naples.
Messenger: Your Holiness, the King of Naples accepted. We can go home now.
Pope: Home? Home? We have some Burgundian dogs to teach a lesson.
Messenger: To teach them a lesson?
Pope: Well actually no. I just like to have fun. I'm afraid we can't stop the Burgundian-Bohemian alliance. But we can annoy them.
Captain: Your Holiness. They got us.
Pope: What? We are defeated?!
Captain: Yes. Their numbers were too great and our homelands to far away. We were just not able to reinforce our army.
Pope: Ah shit. Well that is not Nice of them. Well break up our camp and we'll be going home.
Captain: There is no camp your Holiness. It's just me and you!
Pope: Oh ****. Let's get the hell out of here. We shall leave a note and ask them to leave us alone!
The note:
Please don't follow us! We did not go home. We were not defeated. And we do have a giant kick ass army left.
So uhm leave us alone.
-Pope Bonifacius IX-
Pope: Ah good. They left us alone.
Courtsman: Do you think they have been taught a lesson?
Pope: Oh sure they have. They have seen our powers. I don't think they any longer recognize the Avignon Pope over me.
Courtsman: Are you sure?
Pope: Of course I am. Revoke their excommunication!
Pope: I'm not really feeling well. I hope that Burgundy was not plagued.
Doctor: Well yes you are sick..
Pope: Will I be better or is it terminal?
Doctor: You will die. Soon.
Pope: If I do I'll take you with me. How dare you to be so insolent. *Lightning Bursts*
Doctor: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Pope: Hah NOW I CAN DIE!
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
…..
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
Pope: Yes I'm coming out bed already! I'm picking the phone up already. What do you want this time?
Heavy Voice: I have a mission for you!
Pope: Again? I'm not some kind of...
Heavy Voice: SILENCE!
Pope: Yes... but... what...
Heavy Voice: I shall tell you what you must do. Ferrara has been out of our influence for too long. You have to reclaim it. I can do it myself ofcourse. Did I already told you what I did to the....
Pope: They're not the kind of stories you can tell.
Heavy Voice: Too dirty?
Pope: A dirty mind is a joy forever, but it would not be appropriate here.
Heavy Voice: You might be right. But remember claim Ferrara.
Random other Servant: Your Holiness!
Pope: Yes?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Milan they...
Pope: Which day is it today actually?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): It's 31 October in the year 1399 your Holiness.
Pope: Ah good to know. So what were you telling again?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Milan, they declared war. War on Sardinia.
Pope: Oh there was something with Milan wasn't it?
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Yes your Holiness. We warned them remember?
Pope: Oh right! What are you waiting for. Get my gear. I myself will command the holy army!
Random other Servant (but still the same one): As you command my Holiness.
Pope: YOUR Holiness.
Random other Servant (but still the same one): Oh no that would be you, your Holiness, not me.
Another Servant: Good news your Holiness. We are way more superiour then our allies.
Pope: Of course we are. We are the papal states.
Another Servant (but also still the same): How will we do this?
Pope: Well we have been raising a cavalry regiment and hiring some others haven't we? We will use them to siege Pisa and Siena.
*Interrupt*
Another Servant (but also still the same): And then?
Pope: Well if you didn't interrupt me I could have finished. Then after they are sieged, since they are the only provinces I want for now, we just raise more regiments and will invade Milan. We have military access after all through Ferrara. *Laughs Evilly*
Pope: Hmmmm this sieging is boring. Someone come up with an idea.
Just someone: Well depends on you, you Holiness. Do you want to be entertained or do you want to be just evil?
Pope: Just evil will be fine.
Just someone: Well you have some diplomats left. And it happened that our Roman brothers of Constantinople can use some help if the Ottomans are going to do nasty....
Pope: Soooo?
Just Someone: Well you can call for a crusade!
Pope: Brilliant. Let our nearby Christian Brothers take up arms to defeat the Ottomans while we expand our holy glorious nation.
Another someone: Your Holiness! Have you heard already?
Pope: What should I have heard?
Another someone: Scotland has inherit Britt- *BOOOOM*-y
Pope: You said what? I just believe we have won the siege of Pisa.
Another someone: Scotland has inherit Brittany.
Pope: And thus? Why should I care? They are brave believeing citizens aren't they?
Another someone: Well except they are following the pope of Avignon. But yeah way better then those Muslim heathens.
Eugenius Giustani: Your Holiness I like to offer you my service.
Pope: What service do you offer. If it's the standard service then I prefer young women.
Giustani: Not that kind of service your Holiness. I have made a new system of defense for cities. If my ideas get implented we can hold off hostile sieges longer.
Pope: Sounds good. You are hired!
*BOOOOM*
Pope: That must be Siena. Fallen in our hands.
Messenger: ...
Pope: Oh no this can't be good.
Messenger: Why not your Holiness?
Pope: because bad news is always told when a messenger appears.
Messenger: Messenger got often killed when they bring bad news wasn't it?
Pope: Yes, it's a tradition I don't like to break with.
Messenger: We got a call to arms from Savoy. Burgungy is touching them.
Pope: Unappropriate places?
Messenger: Well some might say it's Nice.
Pope: That is not Nice.
Messenger: They want to be Nice.
Pope: Not if I can help it.
*Messenger runs off*
*rain of coins*
*Pope sets up a happy face*
Pope: Damn Jean-Baptiste I. Being more faithfull to Avignon then to us.
*RIIIIIIIIIIING*
Pope: Yes?
Heavy Voice: Just do your thing.
Pope: I could do that...
Heavy Voice: Yes. Also hurry up with Ferrara.
Pope: YES WORKING ON IT *hangs up*
Pope: Yes a good idea. He must know that we are the only true pope. MUHAHAHA I find your lack of faith disturbing Jean-Baptiste!
A messenger (again): More news your Holiness.
Pope: Does it never stop?
A messenger: It's just the beginning of a long story
Pope: *Sighs*
A messenger: We might have killed him.
Pope: Who?
A messenger: Well him. The ruler of Milan.
Pope: Aaaah him. Just say that immediately.
A messenger: I thought I did.
Pope: No you did not.
A messenger: Anyways, the King of naples is leading their personal union now.
Pope: Ahw, that is annoying.
A messenger: Well we only have to war one of them now.
Pope: That is true. Very true *gniffles*.
In the meantime the Holy armies have been traveling around. Until they found the city of Brescia not as protected as it should be. No Milanese army was near and the armies of the Papal States decided to siege it.
Pope: It doesn't really go fast.
A Captain: Not really Your Holiness. But it's a big city. It might take some time.
Pope: Don't we have some prisoners from Siena or Pisa?
Captain: Yeah a few hundred of them.
Pope: Good. We should show those Milanese people what happens in the afterlife if they cross me.
Captain: What do you wan to do then?
Pope: Fix me some catapults first.
A few weeks later..
Captain: The catapults are ready.
Pope: Now use some prisoners as load.
Captain: But wouldn't that be cruel?
Pope: Well maybe, but hell is worse. I will make a call to make sure these prisoners get in heaven.
Captain: Ohw okay. Then it can be done.
Pope: When the catapults are loaded springle some oil over them. And light them. Then fire the catapults. We will give Brescia a real hell.
Captain: As you wish your Holiness.
And so the prisoners were set on fire and the first men in history did fly.
Pope: And still. If men were supposed to fly, God would have given us wings.
Brescia was set on fire and on 21 November 1403 they citizens gave up.
Citizens: Okay you damned pope. You win. Let us alone.
Pope: As you wish. I shall send our demand to your King, or should I say to the King of Naples.
Messenger: Your Holiness, the King of Naples accepted. We can go home now.
Pope: Home? Home? We have some Burgundian dogs to teach a lesson.
Messenger: To teach them a lesson?
Pope: Well actually no. I just like to have fun. I'm afraid we can't stop the Burgundian-Bohemian alliance. But we can annoy them.
Captain: Your Holiness. They got us.
Pope: What? We are defeated?!
Captain: Yes. Their numbers were too great and our homelands to far away. We were just not able to reinforce our army.
Pope: Ah shit. Well that is not Nice of them. Well break up our camp and we'll be going home.
Captain: There is no camp your Holiness. It's just me and you!
Pope: Oh ****. Let's get the hell out of here. We shall leave a note and ask them to leave us alone!
The note:
Please don't follow us! We did not go home. We were not defeated. And we do have a giant kick ass army left.
So uhm leave us alone.
-Pope Bonifacius IX-
Pope: Ah good. They left us alone.
Courtsman: Do you think they have been taught a lesson?
Pope: Oh sure they have. They have seen our powers. I don't think they any longer recognize the Avignon Pope over me.
Courtsman: Are you sure?
Pope: Of course I am. Revoke their excommunication!
Pope: I'm not really feeling well. I hope that Burgundy was not plagued.
Doctor: Well yes you are sick..
Pope: Will I be better or is it terminal?
Doctor: You will die. Soon.
Pope: If I do I'll take you with me. How dare you to be so insolent. *Lightning Bursts*
Doctor: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Pope: Hah NOW I CAN DIE!
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