Well it is 1419! Somehow it seems I have been in this situation before, I show up and people immediately hate me. Not sure what it is, perhaps just bad karma? Born under an unlucky star? Or could it be because I’m an arrogant S.O.B. who thinks he is better than everyone else?(OOC: I’m talking about the character, not me people!
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Anyway I show up in Strassburg, which is so small my home state in the US looks big, which is saying something. My name? Scott. My purpose? To make Strassburg into something other than a punching bag for France and Austria. Oh, and to live through the experience.
Well after I scope out the situation I have a little chat with the king. Damned if I know what his name is, and I don’t really care. He’s replaceable. As is anyone who takes over after he takes a dirt nap. He thought to have me placed into his dungeon, but after I slapped around his Palace Guards, he reconsidered. It might have had something to do with my boot on his throat though.
After brushing himself off he offers me the job of running his country. Smart man, as I was going to do it anyway. I have nothing better to do, after all. So I ask him why Lorraine hates Strassburg and has a cassus belli on his country. He spent a half an hour trying to explain the reason. I got irritated with him because I hardly speak any German at all.
I started to teach him English. Then thinking further I decided that everyone is going to start learning English. Not just the court, EVERYONE. Every man, woman, and child would start learning it. If dogs and cats could speak they would be learning as well. I’m not stupid, I know it is going to take a long time to get everyone talking civilized English.
I teach the king and his court first, along with the highest military commanders. It is not an optional class. It’s mandatory. After a few duels, and some quick burials, the rest got the idea that I am NOT to be trifled with, ever. These barbarians WILL learn, or else. It is that simple.
By 1421 I have the entire court and the military commanders speaking English. They have horrible German accents, but I can live with it for now. The court started to teach the servants and a lot of selected teachers who would start teaching others. It would be a form of Pay It Forward, except what was being promoted was English, on my terms.
Being the smart lad that I am, I have made friends with some people who I have made nobles. The king wasn’t too happy about it, but after dangling him from the battlements of the castle he saw the light and agreed that I was a genius. The new nobles were totally and completely loyal to me. They knew if anything happened to me, they would be on a gibbet in a trice.
I also made sure to be friendly to the servants and other commons around the court, as well as the capitol during those first two years. Oh, if I haven’t mentioned it, I have sometimes long stretches of insomnia. So I have a lot of nervous energy. I start having copious amounts of paper brought to my study. I explained the concept of filing cabinets to the local cabinet maker. He wasn’t keen on the idea until I shoved a pouch of gold at him.
Soon I have a nice desk and a bunch of filing cabinets. I have been writing furiously for another year, making plans for all sorts of things. One of the first things I did was inform the Generals that the army would PROFESSIONAL. No conscripts of untrained twits. An officer’s training school was founded, as was a boot camp for the regular soldiers. I plan on my troops being very high quality. They will have to be, for Strassburg can’t field a very large army compared to some of her neighbors. There just isn’t enough population to support a huge army, let alone the money to pay for it.
Well Lorraine is still being a pest, what with whining about the border between us. I decided that it would be better to do unto others before they do unto you. I had been planning on this since 1419. I had had the army recruit more troops. When the Lorraine ambassador started calling me names in French, which coincidentally I knew about as much as German, I decided the little prig would look good as my personal battle flag. So I had him flayed alive and used his skin as such.
This of course horrified the little people I controlled. After a few object lessons they decided that it was better if they just shut up and let me do whatever the hell I pleased. I declared war on Lorraine. I ordered the General in charge of the invasion to conquer the territory. If he failed he had better fall on his sword. For there would be no place on Earth he could hide that I wouldn’t find him. I think he believed me.
He led the troops personally and crushed the 10000 men under the colors of Lorraine. And I don’t mean that he beat them and they ran away. He had them all killed. I was proud of him. I sent him a bottle of whiskey in congratulations. I guess I forgot to mention that I had had a whiskey distillery built soon after I arrived. The wine sucked, and I hate beer.
A year later I rode to see what was taking him so long to capture the city. His scouts must have seen my retinue coming because by the time I got there the capitol was in our hands, and the erstwhile king of Lorraine was in chains in the public square. I clapped the general on the back, and handed him another bottle of whiskey. He seemed pleased and left me to my work.
I told the ex king that Lorraine now belonged to me. He had a choice, he could die here and now, or he could get the hell out of my country. He begged for his life. I gave him a horse and let him leave with the clothes on his back. I had him followed. He went about 20 miles outside of the city and tried to gather support for an insurrection. Bad idea. I had him dragged back to the city in chains again. Naked. He’d pissed me off, but I knew the sad sack would do just what he did anyway.
I thought for three days on the way I would have him executed. Some of my retinue tried to convince me that regicide was frowned upon in Europe at this time. I told them that he wasn’t a king anymore, so it wouldn’t BE regicide. In the end I decided that he would be chased by his one time people through the streets of the city naked. They were to stone him until he was most assuredly dead. Considering that his incompetence had caused them to lose the war and that they were going to be converting to the English language they seemed quite happy to take on the task.
Amazing how much stamina the old boy had. It took four hours for the citizens to kill him off for me. I later found out that they had prolonged his torment because they were ticked at having to learn English. I gave a speech informing them that since they were not a part of Strassburg that they had better toe the line. Or else.
Within 1 year the people of Lorraine tried to rebel. After I had all the rebels killed and the families of the rebels, that ended that little problem. They had learned that I was dead serious about my intentions. Piles of dead bodies don’t bother me as long as I am not one of them. Simple as that.
Since my retainers had been somewhat right about the reaction from the rest of Europe about my having the ex king killed I thought it might be prudent to lay low for awhile and let the silly sheep that was the royalty and nobility of Europe forget what had happened. So I decided to keep the army well trained and made them do patrols all along the borders of greater Strassburg.
It was over twenty years before I went to war again. I didn’t have time to get bored. I taught the ideas of science and the scientific method to as many people as wanted to learn. I also taught what little I knew about architecture and building in general. It wasn’t much, but it was leagues ahead of the locals, except for building cathedrals. Man these people are nuts for them.
I don’t think I could throw a rock without hitting one in this hick town. Granted in this period of time it’s a city. But compared to what I was used to, it was a fly speck. I solved that problem somewhat by starting a massive building program. Unemployment? What’s that? Everyone was busy as all hell. I made the streets wider. MUCH wider.
Let’s be honest. I made them pretty much knock down the city and start all over. It probably would have been easier to just build elsewhere, but some of those cathedrals were kind of pretty. So I let them keep the castle and some of the cathedrals. I told them the concept of sewer systems and hygiene and all that stuff. I had absolutely no intention of being killed off by the plague when it would inevitably sweep through Europe.
I tried to explain that such could be caused by the fleas on rats and mice. But they didn’t believe me. So I made it simpler for them. Cats were made far more important than dogs. I wanted the rat problem taken care of, and for the most part, it was.
Austria had taken out Wurttemburg, which had me somewhat concerned, as they had asked for military access to us in 1426, only to cancel it in 1435. Well Baden had dishonored an alliance she had been in, and I knew another chance had dropped into my lap like a scalded cat.
I declared war by simply crossing the border with my troops and setting up a camp about ten miles into Baden. Their army apparently couldn’t find their way to the border with a map, a flashlight, and a native guide. Took them freaking forever to show up. Since my boys were getting bored I had them dig trenches and fill ‘em with sharp stakes. I had a thin line of pikemen behind them along with a whole lot of crossbowmen. I had cavalry, and I planned to use them. I had two wings sent to the north and south to hide in the nearby trees. Then I twiddled my thumbs and drank whiskey until the dumb peasants following an incompetent general arrived.
They didn’t even try to get into any coherent formation. I might as well not have bothered with my preparations. They hit the trenches in dribbles and drab and were shot the hell out of by my crossbowmen. The cavalry from the north and south showed up and ran the rest all down like a hunting party after a frightened fox.
We surrounded the city and demanded their surrender. They refused. Gee, what a surprise. I was in a relative hurry and didn’t want to wait a whole year for the city to give in. So I ordered a tunnel dug to the corner of the walls and then I put a whole bunch of gunpowder in there and set it off. I went a little overboard. It had taken my lads three months to get the tunnel dug properly. I was so pissed off I used up my entire supply of gunpowder. It knocked the wall down all right. And left a big ass gaping hole in the ground too.
Pissed me off royally, it did. I had put a breach in the walls, but I had made an instant dry moat as well. A nice killing ground for Baden’s defenders to slaughter my troops. I think the defenders on the wall could hear me cursing a blue streak, because the next day the city surrendered. I’ll take it. It would take me months to get another supply of gunpowder together anyway. Wish I could teach these guys how to make guns, but I don’t know diddly squat about metallurgy or even how to make a damn gun. So it would be good for lobbing into cities with catapults or as a way to blow up a wall.
Anyway, the king had already fled the country. Dipped in onions if I know where. He just flat disappeared. My spy network couldn’t find him. Anywhere. He hadn’t shown up in any court in Europe. Screw it. As long as he doesn’t bother me, he can live. If some disgruntled noble hadn’t already put him in an unmarked grave.
It was 1436, and I had made Strassburg a three province micro kingdom. Yippee! Pat my self on the back for too long and the French or Austrians would eat me for breakfast and devour the nation as dessert.
