Meanwhile, back at home in Glorious Loon, cultural capital of the known world and in no way insignificant, Emmo has some family matters to attend to.
My little Liedwin wants to get married! And wowee, is she quite a looker. 25 Diplo, way to go darling!
Surprisingly, I have a wide variety of suitors willing to enter a matrilineal marriage. Guess she’s quite a charmer! Let’s see, let’s see … oooh, this might be interesting:
Excellent…the Prince of Norway with an inheritable claim. Be fruitful, and multiple, kids! Who knows, maybe we’ll see a van Loon on the throne of Norway one of these days.
But for now, more pressing matters!
My fellow vassal, Count Gerhard of Santois, agrees that it is high time for our Duchess Trudy to be on her way.
Let’s take a gander at our Liege’s finances, shall we? I find this is a useful comparison of how powerful a person really is.
Trudy has a balance of over 20 doubloons per year. Not too shabby.
Whoa, we’re up to almost 60! Excellent…when I’m not saving up for mercs, I sink pretty much all my spare cash into castle upgrades which provide a greater income. It’s now paying off handsomely.
But is it time to pull the trigger? Well, not quite yet. Trudy actually has another vassal already vying for her title. Don’t worry; she’s winning, but let’s wait it out and let her get softened up a bit.
One day in the Loonish throne room:
"Sire, a traveler has come to see you. His calls himself, um, ‘Rotergeist’, and he speaks of strange things; 'AAR' and 'The Internet.' The Court Chaplain fears he may be possessed with a devil...”
“Oh, um, well. Greetings and all that. So, you like what we’ve done here, eh? You know I’m about to become a Duke too, isn’t that grand? Sure, you can write your little story, er, ‘AAR’, as you call it.”
“Thanks, Emmo. It’s gonna be the bestest, I promise!”
“Excellent. Wait, are you going to write about
everything?”
“Well, most things. I think I’ll skip most of the monotony of you sitting around watching the game tick by at the highest possible speed setting. But the interesting things, yes.”
“Ok … just don’t mention anything about that little, um, incident at dinner the other day. Don’t want anyone to think I’m some evil old monster. I was just having a bout of indigestion, you know. Just sort of snapped. Really could have happened to anyone.”
“Right-o, Emmo. Don’t worry, I’ll put you in the best light possible.”
“Excellent. I’ll just be in here scrubbing my socks if you need me. A Count’s work is never done! *good-natured chuckle*”
Finally, the time is ripe. Trudy’s war ends in her victory, hopefully in a weakened state. Our uber-liege, the Holy Roman Emperor, has unfortunately picked a fight with France and called up some of our levies, but that’s none of our concern. Trudy’s forces have similarly been depleted.
“Dear Trudy,
We regret to inform you that your end is nigh. Drop the Duchy, put your hands up, slowly back away and no one will get hurt.
Your timely reply will be appreciated.
Best regards,
Count Emmo van Loon”
Well, I didn’t think that would go over too well, but can’t fault me for trying.
Loons! Prepare for battle!
Thugs! Here’s some gold, come win our war! No, I won’t wantonly assault keeps with you this time, I promise! (fingers-crossed…)
Things go swimmingly at first. Trudy raises a pitifully small army which we wipe out post-haste. She’s completely out of troops. Mwahahaha. This should be a quick and easy victory.
The Loonish forces begin to siege Trudy’s capital in Breda.
At the siege:
“Excellent, men. Won’t be long now. Get ready to call me Duke! Maybe I should see about printing up some new letterhead … hmm….”
“Sire! The lookout on yonder hilltop! It’s urgent!”
“Oh, what is it, you scaredy-cats. We already wiped out Trudy’s armies; what’s out there to get so wound up about? A herd of cows ambling this way? *chuckle* Well, ok, I’ll trudge up there and take a look. It’s sure a nice day, lovely weather…”
“AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF DOG! WE GONNA DIE WE GONNA DIE WE GONNA DIE!”
Oh dear, this is concerning. It appears that a hostile Danish army, more than twice the size of Loonish forces, is headed for our siege at Breda. Yikes.
They aren’t one of Trudy’s allies, though. I’m still a part of my Liege Emperor’s war on France. Denmark has just come into the battle on France’s side.
We can only hope that they are just passing through on the way to the front lines in France. Still, even if a steamroller is just passing through, you get out of the way.
The Loonish army quickly abandons the siege of Breda and side steps down to Brabant, praying that the Danish army isn’t hungry for a snack of Loons.
Whew! They ARE heading for France. Looks like they will let us live.
Should be smooth sailing from here on out! Duchy of Koln, here I come!
Wait, what?
Emmo?
Emmo!
Oh.
Poor guy…the sight of the Danish steamroller was just too much for the old ticker.
RIP, Count Emmo, RIP. You done good.