Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

AllmyJames said:

A Victoria comedy would be fun - maybe somewhere obscure, out of the way, with a puffed-up sense of its own importance... oh wait, isn't that what we're reading right now?

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Well, funny you should mention this...

I'm having a lot of fun with this AAR so I've chosen to do something similar with Victoria (VIP:R for those of you who would be interested).

Therefore, I've made a start over in Victoria land at "These Oranjes Are Not For Eating".

I'd be honoured if you all took a look and told me what you think - and while you're at it take a look at the other AARs there; there's some real goodies!

The overall plan is for the AAR to be more narrative than the comedy to be found here, but comedic none the less.

After this or Suenik is finished I PROMISE I'll do a serious one...

Oh, and hopefully you should have another Suenikian update later on tonight.

Stay tuned!

Never make a Swede angry! You may want us to believe that you're all peace-loving happy types these days but I've had enough pieces missing from Ikea furniture that I've bought to know that you're all still Vikings at heart!

(passive aggressive Vikings, but Vikings none the less)

So, to avoid a nasty visit from an irate longboat crew I give you all the next chapter!

I organise a campaign to bring sane and stable leadership to Kartli.

My method of choice is violent invasion.

Just to prove I'm not all talk and no trousers I lead the campaign myself and in short time I add another string to my bow.



Wow. I had no idea what a RUSH combat was! I know I get accused of being an egocentric maniac with no sense of perspective at times but I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that I think I have found my true calling here! Already there are heroic epics being composed in my honour and while there may be a slight element of exageration in them (I'm pretty certain that while I slew a lot of foes we weren't talking RIVERS of blood) the core message - that I'm a complete animal on the battlefield - has a sound basis in fact.



Amusingly, the commander of Kartli's armies has a REALLY stupid name. These Europeans... Why can't they have normal names like the rest of us?

(I mention this to my new wife and she screams at me in German and throws things - back to the tower for her).

The war is wrapped up in no time at all and I break from my usual policy of making conquered foes kneel before me in supplication and I wrest the countess' lands from him. One crazy German woman in my life is enough!

It's great being back in court, and I spend a while regalling them with tales of my conquests. In fact, I throw a few festivals, have some feasts, commision a few statues and generally drive home the point that I am quite possibly the greatest warrior of my generation.

It is therefore with great tact and a little trepedation that my spy master comes to me and points out that perhaps I'm not paying as much attention to my realm as I could be.



I wave her away and ask her to parcel out some of my land to worthy candidates. She suggests that my recent antics with the List have somewhat tarnished my carefully cultivated (purchased?) reputation with the Church and that perhaps the Patriarch would welcome me back to his bosom were I to farm out some of my holdings on a couple of men of God.



What the hell - it's quicker than building Churches.

I also give the Crown Prince some extra responsability...



...it'll help make a man of him. Maybe one day he'll grow up into a fine warrior of the Lord, just like me.

I go to thank my Spy Master for all her fine work (as the Church - believe it or not - love me again) only to find out that she's passed away.



I'm genuinely gutted by this and take a long time deciding on a replacement. Eventually one candidate outshines the rest...



...Mleh!

Ha! In your face Mira! A Mleh with control over the Imperial Pirhana Pools! Best decision this kid has made yet!

The List once again appears to have served its purpose as a valuable learning tool. One of Kevork the Traitor's offspring comes to me asking - nay, begging - me to take one of his infants under my wing. I smile and accept.



Can you say "hostage"?

Speaking of which, I receive a visitor - my father-in-law - wanting to know how I'm getting on with his little schatz.

I'm puzzled by this. We have the same word in Suenikian, but I don't think the meanings are the same (although, coincidentally, I would readily describe my blushing bride as a schatz).

This situation though... Most people would be intimidated if their father-in-law was the Holy Roman Emperor and he was inquiring after his daughter who you had imprisoned, but I am not most people. I, Aboulgharib of Suenik, am the ruler of the mightest empire in the East (if not the world) so I speak to as an equal and tell him that his daughter is a spoiled little brat who I have sent to the tower and who I have no intention of siring a child with...



...something he apparently agrees with. We're going to get on just fine.

However, someone who I'm not getting on with is the Count of Trapezous (isn't that a shape?).



Looks like I might be having another chance of epic combat pretty soon...

Next up - psychotics getting wedded! Corruption! Stability! Mad women! Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

...and now for some feedback...

Malurous said:

Ah, this explains stuff. I certainly haven't seen any Swedes invading my homeland during my lifetime, but I HAVE ended up sitting among chair remains with a sore butt three times in the last seven years at times when I expected to be sitting in a comfy chair, like I was seconds earlier.

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Yeah - they've stopped sacking monastries and have moved onto destabilizing the wardrobes and tables of the Western world. Devious those Swedes.

Malurous said:

This was definitely one of your finest updates, and that's impressive considering the bar you've set. The List is awesome, Mleh as spymaster is definitely a payback of sorts, there were several funny little jokes and the whole HRE affair was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on these forums :rofl:

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Wow - high praise indeed! Thank you very much - it's much appreciated and I'm glad to know that I continue to amuse.

AllmyJames said:

Excellent update, as always. I look forward to checking out the Victoria AAR soon too.

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I'm happy you're enjoying it, and I hope you enjoy my little foray into Victoria too. First update is up; not a funny one but I have to set the scene.

AllmyJames said:

Good to see Aboulgharib has found a quick way into heaven. But watch out for those bishops - make sure they don't get lusty and break into your bridal tower ;-)

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They're welcome to her!!!

Enewald said:

Habib might win you if you fight him.
A better name for a king than Aboulgharib.

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You'd best watch yourself, buddy-boy, or the List will be beckoning *waggles piece of paper in a menacing manner*

Fookison said:

Next up - psychotics getting wedded! Corruption! Stability! Mad women! Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Same old, same old!!!!o What a disfunctional civilization!!!:wacko: But it keeps us coming back for more!!!!:rofl:

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Yeah, it does sound pretty much like business as usual doesn't it? Still, nothing wrong with a comfy old pair of slippers I say!

Fookison said:

ps. How is the court artist feeling these days?

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Very well thanks for asking! It was her birthday on Sunday so she's recovering from a long weekend of parties, presents and far too much cake. Given that it was also my wife's birthday on Saturday just gone my wallet is recovering too!

Murmurandus said:

Watch out for that Habib the Not-So-Squared!

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A fine name for him! Thanks for that Murm!

Eams said:

Yes, and we can also outdrink you Scots.

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I'll happily take you up on that challenge! If you were a Finn I might be worried but I've outdrunk Swedes before!

Eams said:

And what's with the whining about IKEA? We're simply profiting from your lack of interest in quality products. You're all going to end up driving Korean and sleeping in Swedish, and nothing will work and it will all be horrid.

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In fairness, Ikea products are DESIGNED in Sweden and manufactured in Moldova or somewhere like that. None the less, I'm not whining - I rather like our local Ikea. Generally Swedish exports are highly regarded over here. Volvos, Saabs, Abba, adult *ahem* entertainment...

Eams said:

Excellent update, though making Mleh the new spymaster should ensure a lot of brutal, murderous fun in the near future.

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I can't possibly imagine what gives you that idea!

(stay tuned)

Cunobelinus54 said:

Excellent update, by the way, how old is Aboulgarib now?

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Good question! I'll have to find out for you. I think he's in his fifties.

Zvetiki said:

Spy master Mleh, Aboulgharib becoming buddy of the Holy Roman Emperor, and psychos getting wedded -- Looking good!

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Suenik always LOOKS good. Its once you get past the shiny veneer you realise what a mess it really is - disfunctional doesn't even begin to come into it!

Since I Love You Guys...

Here's a little extra while you wait for the next update, namely the Empire in 1160.