Portugal: The perils of cartography
Mr. Carlson? Are you awake?
"Yes, very much so... wait a minute. Order? Is that you?"
Indeed.
"Do I have two PELFs stuck in my head now?"
Order chuckled softly.
Oh, dear me no. Chaos is back at Bill-waters-down-the-water's bar. You must have knocked him for quite a loop.
"It must have been that High Chief."
I heard about that.
"Would it really destroy all of time and space if his resistance spread?"
Order's laughter got a little louder, but only slightly louder. Order was much a more considerate house guest in Daniel's brain than Chaos had ever been.
Of course not. Chaos is often overly dramatic. However, it would make his job a great deal harder.
"How so?"
Order paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
To a PELF, most mortal brains are, well, clay. Sculpting in clay requires a delicate touch, but once it's baked, it's as durable as most other works of art.
"Okay."
The High Chief's mind was more like marble. Sculpting in marble may be more durable, but requires a very different set of skills. Marble is a harder medium and therefore requires more power from the sculptor.
"I thought blunt force was Chaos' style."
That's the image he likes to project. He likes people to think he's an unpredictable homicidal maniac who will stop at nothing to achieve his goals, which are often no more than his personal sense of whimsy.
"What is he actually?"
Well, he IS an unpredictable homicidal maniac who will stop at nothing to achieve his goals, which are often no more than his personal sense of whimsy. But he is also incredibly lazy and likes to do as little as possible to get things done.
"That makes sense."
It's not that he couldn't have pounded the High Chief's mind into mulch. However, that is like curing a cancer patient by flinging the hospital into the sun. Yes, the cancer will be dead, but so will everybody else. If Chaos got frustrated -- and he clearly did -- he might have erased the dimension purely out of spite.
"That would have been horrible!"
And more importantly, for him, he would have lost the bet.
"How long will you be guiding me?"
I'm not sure. A lot depends on how the readAARs like the change of pace.
"I'm sorry?"
Never mind. So, your mission is to establish a trading post on the Indian coast.
"That's simple enough. What's the horrible torture you're inflicting on me?"
No torture, Mr. Carlson. You are at war, after all.
"This looks like quite a war, actually. What role am I in now?"
I figured we'd make things easy for our first trip together. I've made you the King of Portugal, so you won't have to use any mind control.
"Excellent! I think I'm going to enjoy working with you."
So do I, Mr. Carlson. So do I.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, even with a benevolent PELF in your head, you still have to work with the tools you are given. And the Royal Cartographer was certainly a tool.
"So, King, can I have the rest of the week off?"
King Daniel frowned. "Alberto, it's 7 AM on Monday."
"Is that a no?"
"Yes, it's a 'no.'"
Things had fallen a great deal since the days of Prince Henry the Navigator, it seemed. Alberto was drunk 75% of the time and asleep in his office the other 25%. However, he was also Daniel's younger brother, so he couldn't just fire him, even if he was an incompetent buffoon.
(Author's note: Apologies to any incompetent buffoons in the audience. Alberto is much worse than any of you.)
"Alberto, why haven't we colonized the New World?"
"Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Whoa. There's a NEW world now? When did that happen?"
Daniel sighed. "Europeans have had some inkling of the land across the sea since the Vikings settled Iceland and Greenland."
"Oh! I thought you meant we colonized the moon."
Daniel pinched his nose in frustration. "No, Alberto. We did not colonize the moon."
"Because that would be foolish."
"Yes, yes it would. So. America."
"America."
Daniel tapped his foot impatiently. "Why no colonies?"
"Colonies where?"
You know, I think understand Chaos a little better now.
"I do too." Addressing his clearly intoxicated brother, Daniel carefully spelled out exactly what he wanted.
Alberto's expression brightened. "Oh! I sent an expedition to the Pacific. Sent four ships."
"Where did they stop for supplies?"
"Supplies?"
"Which colony did they last stop at?"
"Uh, sire, are you feeling okay? Everybody knows there are no Pacific colonies."
"So you sent four expensive ships around the world... and gave them nowhere to stop for supplies?"
"Well, when you put it that way, you make me sound like an idiot."
Daniel muttered "That isn't very hard" under his breath.
(Author's note: I have no idea why the AI sent the ships to the Pacific Coast of South America. None.)
Daniel took a deep breath. "Okay, how about the Atlantic coast?"
"No colonies there either, except for a couple of British ones.."
"So why don't WE make some?"
"I dunno. Why don't we?"
"Look, Alberto. I want YOU to send an expedition to Manhattan. Can you handle that?"
"Sure, I can do that." When Alberto continued to drink his wine for another three minutes, he sputtered. "Oh, you meant now? I guess.
"When I get back, can we talk about having the rest of the week off?"
Daniel threw his hands up in the air.
------------------------------------------------------------------
After his experience with Alberto, Daniel was delighted at how bright his generals were.
"Sire, the war against the Mamlukes is going well. We've seized the Holy Land!"
"Wonderful! Let's sue for peace."
The general furrowed his brow. "But Venice is the war leader."
"So?"
"That's not very nice, making somebody else fight and then you claim the prize."
"They'd do the same to us, I'm sure."
The general was horrified. "My liege! That's a terrible thing to say! The Venetians are our allies!"
"Look, don't pass judgment, just follow orders, general."
"It's too late, anyway. The Venetians already signed a peace."
"Drat."
You know, this does give you the opportunity to attack India now.
"It does at that. I'll leave very careful instructions for Alberto to expand our colonial base in the New World."
A very wise move. Although perhaps not as wise to use Alberto.
"He may be an idiot, but he's my brother."
Isn't that a song?
"Something like that."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
In early 1633, while Daniel waited for the treasury to build up enough to support a large army that would defend Portugal, Alberto walked in with some exciting news.
"Hey, bro, I got some awesome news! We've signed a treaty with Aragon."
Daniel looked suspicious. "That sounds remarkably wise of you. What's the catch?"
Alberto stood and blinked for about thirty seconds before he realized it was an insult. "Hey! That's not a nice thing to say."
"No, it isn't." Alberto, of course, completely missed that Daniel never apologized.
"They also want us to join some war against some country. It's called 'Castille'. Is that far?"
Daniel's eyes got huge. "You absolute dunce! You don't know where Castille is?"
"Look, I may be the Royal Map Guy, but I can't be expected to know where EVERY country is!"
Daniel slapped his forehead, and with barely controlled rage, he unfurled a map.
Alberto stared at the map for a solid minute. "Okay, smart guy, where's Castille? The green one?"
"No, you imbecile. Portugal is the green one!"
"Wait, are we at war with Portugal now?"
Daniel couldn't take it any more. He grabbed Alberto and shook him violently. "YOU ABSOLUTE MORON! WE ARE PORTUGAL! THE YELLOW COUNTRY IS CASTILLE! NOW DO YOU GET IT?!?!?!"
"Um... Castille looks kind of big. Like, way bigger than us."
"Yes. They are."
"I should probably tell them no, huh?"
"Yes. You should. Before you go, Alberto, how did you get this job?"
"What job?"
Daniel tried to scream again, but his energy was gone. He just waved Alberto away and sat back in his throne.
You really should control your temper, Mr. Carlson. It isn't good for you.
"Is this... is this what Chaos thinks all humans are like?"
Oh no. He thinks most humans are much stupider.
"I was wrong to ever misjudge him."
I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1634, Daniel was finally ready to attack the small Indian nation of Kathiawar. He was initially worried that 8000 troops wouldn't be enough, but he hoped to strike quickly, take the territory, and get out.
Unfortunately, while Hindustan, the largest power in the subcontinent, did not honor the call to arms, Rajputana did. That made the war a good deal more complicated than he had hoped. When a page brought the first battle report to him, Daniel covered his eyes, peeking with only a tiny sliver of one eye.
"Gah! Look at those casualties! Looks like it's back to the drawing board."
Mr. Carlson, perhaps you should look more closely?
"Why? I just lost again. No big deal."
No, you misunderstand me. Just look at the report.
Daniel mustered the courage to remove his hands from his eyes.
"It's just as I f-- wait. We won?"
Yes.
"The other guys suffered the horrendous casualties?"
Of course, Mr. Carlson. You have gunpowder weapons. The Indians do not at this stage.
Daniel's spirits began to perk up. "Then press the attack! We shall conquer this day!"
Of course.
The only thing dampening Daniel's spirits was news that Bohemia had inherited France and Holstein, making them even more indestructible. Still, by April of 1637, he'd inflicted plenty of lopsided loses on the armies of Rajputana. Unfortunately, it looked like there were plenty more where that came from. And news got worse.
"My liege! Venice has sent an urgent note. They wish us to join them in war against Great Britain."
Daniel swore. "Everything was going so well! Why now?" Before the runner could answer, Daniel interrupted. "That was a rhetorical question, young man. Yes, we will honor the call. Britain has its own internal troubles; I can only hope they do not invade our colonies."
"Very good, sir."
Daniel waited until the runner left, then asked Order for help. "So, what do we do?"
Well, we've got forts in those colonies which have converted to cities, which should slow any British invasion down. Venice is pretty strong; I don't think we have a whole lot to worry about.
"What if they attack Lisboa?"
A risk, certainly, but life is risk. If you do not get what you came for, you can always try again. Plus, you have enough provinces that you cannot be annexed at this point.
Daniel cheered up. "That's true. We shall continue our efforts here. Press on, brave soldiers!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In July 1638, the war against Kathiawar finally ended, after another convincing victory at Ahmadabad. Unfortunately, while Daniel did secure the prize of Kutch, a rich COT, Alberto screwed up yet again. Kutch was not technically part of the "Indian Coast", and so his mission was not complete.
Still, Daniel passed the East India Company Act, which would enable Portugal to thrive for years to come. By the time he was ready to leave in 1640, after Britain signed a white peace, Portugal had expanded considerably, especially in North America.
Daniel scanned the map with satisfaction. "Where are we going next?"
Let's see. Gotland.
"Well, at least it should be over quick."
Maybe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Talk about a parallel world. Not only is Gotland alive in 1640 (!!) but... it's not an OPM! It has TWO provinces!