Intermezzo - The Chemical Experiments Of Lafronde Rosenkreutz
1. Eggactly how much gold from a hen?
When attempting to make gold (like a good alchemist is supposed to do), always use fresh supplies. There's nothing that spoils your failure at making gold more than rotten supplies. Personally, I avoid Tesco, and rather use the local shops down in El Here's-Nice-Food Road. Jaime Oliver's "The Old <insert foodstuff here>" is my personal favourite.
Today I've procured some really nice eggs. I'll attempt making gold from these eggs. Here's the receipe:
Ingredients:
7 eggs (seven is a holy number and all)
3 salamander tails
666 flies
7 grams of salt
13 ram's bladders
How to make gold:
Boil water, and put eggs into water. Let simmer for 6 nights and 7 days. At sundown on the 7th day, add salamander tails, while wearing outrageous outfit and chanting 'Baphomet, baphomet' until neighbours complain.
Add flies. Stir.
Add salt and ram's bladders. Pour nasty-smelling stuff into a huge pot, and leave it in the oven while getting some sleep.
It should now be gold. If it isn't, eat it.
PS! You may have to see a qualified doctor after this
2. Golden Slumbers
I'm a kind of guy who likes to spend my spare time outdoors or in the company of a good glass of Rioja and a book (preferably about cabala or occultism, or even conspiracies). This means that I like to be efficient. Making gold while sleeping would be nice. I therefore invented the method mentioned under.
Methodology:
- Rinse self well. This can be done with water. Or fire and brimstone. I prefer water myself.
- Stay pure in spirit. Now, this spirit thing is tricky, but I usually find that a few bottles of voddy helps.
- Sleep the sleep of the innocents. Heck, I was too wasted to do anything remotely dirty.
- Check under pillow or around bed for gold. Disappointed! A few ducats of change.
To be continued...
