The Kosaca Chronicles
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No sign of Fiftypence (all incarnations). It looks like Evil Clippy's plan worked after all!?
The Kosaca Chronicles
Huh? What? How did I end up here?
Huh? What? How did I end up here?
So, in the amazing events of the last episode, we saw that with the help of the narrator that Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence were able to escape from Crusader Kings through a mysterious door. They escaped in time, for a few seconds later this happened:
Clippy smiled in a twisted and slightly maniacal way. But blast, those scoundrels had escaped! And he had no idea where the other narrator had gone either. Answers to all these mysteries and more are coming....................right now.
King Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence found themselves in a grey corridor, with doors on wither side as far as the eye could see. The door they had just come through, however, had just disappeared.
"What shall we do?" said Ioan nervously.
"We should have a look through some of these doors. That might give us a clue as to where we are."
Ioan and Blaz agreed, and so they went and opened the nearest door and looked inside.
"It's...it's a beach!"
As the King had said, there was indeed a beautiful, Caribbean beach lying not far away, the sea an azure blue and the sand white and soft. They entered, as Fiftypence looked around. There were a few people on the beach, and the coin approached one.
"Excuse me, but-"
"Desole, mais je ne parle pas le southslavic."*
But I wasn't speaking southslavic, thought Fiftypence. Indeed, southslavic isn't even a language. He stared at the man, and tried.
"Ou est we? Est ce France?"
"France! Non, cette est Haiti!"
"Haiti! How on earth did we end up on Haiti?"
Ioan and Blaz looked bemused. "What's Haiti?" asked Blaz.
"Never mind that," said the coin hurriedly. He turned back to the man, and said in Frangais "Quel is the ans...?"
"Le 1836," replied the man, who then walked away.
"Mon dieu!" said Fiftypence. "We have walked into the Victoria Grand Campaign! Though obviously not many people play Haiti, this place is deserted."
"Well this is boring," said Ioan, let's go back and see what the other doors hold."
They went back, and opened another door. They seemed to enter a throne room, where a dark-skinned man was sitting. He looked up sharply.
"What the bloody hell-"
"Hey, I recognise you!" said Fiftypence. "It's that Devesh bloke from my other AAR! I am your creator!"
The man nodded sagely, and kneeled. "Oh, another God has come to talk to me. Of what have you come to talk of, Lord...uh, who are you actually. I don't recognise you..."
"I am the god of...uh, crap emperors," said Fiftypence. Devesh's mild features became a visage of red hatred.
"It's you who's been sending all these crap Emperors? You bastard, you ABSOLUTE BASTARD!!"
Devesh produced a sword, and charged with anger.
"Run," cried Ioan, and they were able to get back through the door before Devesh could chop them up.
"Geez, Fiftypence. Create some less psychotic characters in future!" said Blaz, trembling with fear.
"And anyway, isn't there supposed to be a game behind all of this?" asked Ioan.
"Oh yeah. Let's see, in 1099 a library was built in Rama, and in August marshall Aladdin got ill....
*The scene fades to Aladdin, who is lying on his sick bed coughing.*
"Oh woe is me, oh woe, for my time is near! I wish..." he spluttered loudly, and took a deep breath. "Oh, I would give anything, anything to have my health restored."
He gazed blearily around his chamber, and noticed something odd, lying on the floor. He struggled up and picked up what appeared to be some kind of magic lamp. He knew it was magic because on the side it had written:
Magic Lamp. Use only in emergencies. To activate you're Magic Lamp, rub it and a genie will appear.
Aladdin rubbed it, and there was a puff of smoke! When the smoke cleared he saw there was an ugly demon standing there, which Aladdin assumed was a genie.
"Yeah, whaddayawant?" muttered the genie.
"Do you do wishes?"
"Yeah, make two wishes, get one free. If you use this service regularly you will also recieve this complementary laxative, to chase away the constipation blues."
"O...kay," said Aladdin slowly. He coughed loudly again. "So I have to pay for the first two wishes?"
"Indeed, but it is a very steep price-"
"How much?"
"Uh, well," continued the genie, somewhat disorientated, "you must pay...with your soul!"
Aladdin looked relieved. "Is that all? Thank Allah, I thought you were going to ask for cash! That's no problem."
The genie looked puzzled. "But it's your soul!"
"Yeah I know."
"Oh. Well, okay. So make your wish then, or whatever," the genie said sulkily.
"I wish to be have all my ills healed!"
"It will be done!" shouted the genie, with a puff of smoke. Aladdin took a deep breath, and smiled.
"Hey, it worked. I feel so much-" he collapsed into a fit of coughing and retching, leaving a bloody stain on the carpet. He glared up at the genie, who was whistling innocently.
"You haven't cured me at all, you idiot!"
The genie pretended to be startled. "Oh, you meant you're physical ills? I thought you meant...okay bye!" The genie disappeared in a puff of smoke. Aladdin picked up the Magic Lamp and shouted into it,
"You can't escape that easily! I know where you live!"
*The scene returns to Fiftypence, who has finished telling the story.*
"What was the point of that?" said Blaz.
"Dunno really. Just filled in some time, I guess."
"And when is this AAR going to stop being a cheap rip-off of Secrets of th-"
"SHUT up."
Just then, Dorethea Knytling burst through another door into the corridor, fuming angrily at Ioan.
"Some paperclip just told me he wanted to Rama me in the Kosaca!"
Will it be explained how Dorethea appeared? Will we find out the true difference between ordinary butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Will some kind of half-crab make an appearance, giving cryptic warnings about copyright infringements? Find out next time in the Kosaca Chronicles!
*Please don't try and correct my French.
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Fiftypence said:
Methinks I detect a homage to a certain other comedic writAAR here, and a very appropriate one too!
phargle said:Heh.
Okay, that was funny.
Of course it is...
Good going, Fiftypence.
I'm glad that Clippy's evil plan didn't work.
And an update about the actual gameplay.
And an update about the actual gameplay.
How I have been able to miss this marvellouss aar for so long? Excellent humor Fitfy, just excellent!
Thanks for all the comments, guys, but I've encountered a slight problem; I've accidently deleted the savegame I thought I had kept it, but the game I kept was actually a different one I was playing as Croatia a while back, goddamnit.
So, this is, regrettably the final update. For a full understanding of this update some knowledge of MacRaith's The Tower of Fear and anonymous4401's spoof of said AAR in Secret's of the AARk is useful.
"Darling, how did you get here?" said Ioan, with surprise.
"I don't know, last I remember was some paperclip wrecking Crusader Kings on Fiftypence's computer, and...that's it."
"Hang on," said Fiftypence, "what exactly has Clippymagne done?"
"He's...he's deleted the save games, I think," replied Dorethea.
"So we're stranded?" whimpered Blaz.
"That's how it seems. You're world, you're kingdom of Croatia, Ioan...it's gone, lost to the aeons of time."
"But what should we do?"
Fiftypence gazed around the grey corridor. "We should look through all these doors, and see what they hold. You never know..."
"Yeah," said Blaz, "you never know..."
The first door they entered led them into what looked like a theme park, with all kinds of amazing rides and attractions. They went up to the rollercoaster, which a sign showed was called "The Sh*tcoaster."
"The Sh*tcoaster? What kind of a name is that for a rollercoaster?" said Dorethea.
"Look," cried Fiftypence, pointing at another sign. "The Bloody Offensive Theme Park! All the rides here must have incredibly rude names!"
"Urgh, that's sick," said Dorethea, looking at the names of some of the other rides, but then a monster appeared out of nowhere and ate her. The other three stared for a minute, before making a run for it back into the corridor.
"My wife, she got eaten!" cried Ioan.
"You're still thinking about her? Geez, stop living in the past!" said Fiftypence.
With Apologies to...well, everyone really.
They went through another door, and found themselves in a desolate landscape, where in the distance they saw a squat tower looming menacingly over the landscape. They came to the local village, and saw a sign saying:
"Welcome to Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. Now with added fear!"
"What a strange sign," commented Blaz as they came into the centre of the village, where they met an old bloke called Miklos.
"Ayh, more tourists. Those last bunch we had left a horrible mess, the blood of Frenchmen everywhere. From Nubia, or somesuch place."
"I see," said Fiftypence. "That's a nice tower you have there, maybe we could stay in it?"
"We don't talk of the tower here, the peasants are afraid. Anyway, I have to go and do something else now..." Miklos replied robotically, and the tourists watched as he clanked metallically away towards the tower.
"You think he's a robot?" said Ioan.
"Of course," replied Blaz.
That night they stayed with the local ruling family, and Ioan could not help noticing there was a fishbowl on the table.
"I can't help noticing-"
"The fishbowl?" said Ferenc, the local ruler of Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. "Yeah, see that little fish in there, dressed like a priest?"
The visitors nodded.
"Well, that is our priest."
Ioan looked at the fish, which gave him a stern, disapproving look. "Why is your priest a fish?"
Ferenc regarded him coldly. "We do things differently here."
"Ah."
That night, Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence decided to sneak up to the tower, which strangely enough now had a flashing neon sign on it, saying, "welcome to the scary tower, free drinks after nine!" Intrigued, the three went in, and found a disco, with flashing lights and a big ball on the ceiling, you know the sort, all metallic and stuff.
"Ah, I see. It's the Tower of Beer," said Ioan. They made their way upstairs, where they came to a deserted room, home only to a long dead corpse. It was very spooky, the sound of the disco only adding to their fear.
"Look," whispered Ioan, pointing at something scrawled on the wall in blood.
"Ah, pony, of course, that means one thousand years in southslavic," said Ioan.
"No it don't, it's British slang for £25," said Fiftypence.
Actually you're both wrong, it just means pony, plain and simple, written by some drunken reveller a few nights ago. And it's strawberry jam, not blood. But you won't be able to hear me, a voice sighed.
Ioan and Fiftypence appeared not to notice, but Blaz did and replied, "Hey, I can hear you."
You can? Ah, you're a ghost too. Cool. I'm Anonius Aurelius Rectitudinius Kasparius, holder of many secrets.
"So there's no curse then?" said Blaz, with relief.
Oh no, there is a curse, but no one bothered to write about it on the walls. You should leave this place at once, for the curse it about to manifest itself!
"But what does this curse entail?" asked Blaz with alarm. But there was no response. "Oh noes! It is too late. Quick guys, we have better leave!"
Strangely, it was already morning judging by the light streaming in from the windows. They ran down, and when the exited the tower the saw something horrifying.
"Robots! Hundreds and hundreds of robots!"
Which, indeed, there were, all crying out either "exterminate!" or "delete." They tried to run back towards the door, but it was blocked by robots. Then they saw Miklos, whose arms and legs had fallen off.
"Uh, a little help?" he said with a vague smile. Ioan frowned, suspiciously.
"But you're a robot too. Why should we help you?"
"Please, my robot brethren are evil and corrupt, and for the last thousand years I've been binding the seal, stopping them from coming and enslaving Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. But now it is too late, and the curse is fulfilled."
"What caused the curse to fulfil?" asked Ioan.
"I was supposed to do some ritual, but I couldn't because my leg fell off. Then I was attacked, and those evil robots took off my arms and legs, oh so cruel!"
"Okay then, we'll help you," said Fiftypence, who suddenly produced a machine gun, blasting the robot to smithereens.
"What did you do that for?" said Blaz.
"He was a robot," Fiftypence said, as they fired and smashed their way through the mass of robots through the door. As they tumbled back into the grey corridor, something landed on Ioan's shoulder
"What the hell is that?" screamed Ioan.
"It's a half-crab," said Fiftypence. "I wonder if it can speak?" The half-crab regarded him with what Fiftypence was a particularly knowing smirk.
"Well if it can, it ain't saying anything," said Blaz.
The half-crab burped loudly-
"This script is...awful, frankly," said the producer, looking up.
"What do you mean?" asked the director, who was already on the brink of a nervous breakdown, having had both the actors for Clippymagne and Dorethea storming off the set.
"Well, the story is nonsensical, the characters are ridiculous and, to be honest, it will be a flop at the cinema. No one in their right mind would pay to be subjected to this trash.
"But..." mumbled the director.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to put another dime into this rubbish, and all the other backers have withdrawn their support after reading the script. I'm sorry, Scott, truly I am.
The director nodded slowly and miserably. "So the film is closing down production?"
"Yes."
"Okay." And with that he left the set. The Kosaca Chronicles was forced to close production, permanently.
And so, Clippy's plan worked, Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence were exiled from Crusader Kings forever doomed to wander the lonely grey corridor. But all along, Clippymagne knew that through victory, defeat was inevitable, for he too would be destroyed by the all powerful author, who had no choice but to stop writing. And so, the madness that had arose and swirled up from the Kosaca Chronicles like some kind of weird tornado died and faded away, leaving only a memory of happier times.
I thought I had kept it, but the game I kept was actually a different one I was playing as Croatia a while back, goddamnit. So, this is, regrettably the final update.
For a full understanding of this update some knowledge of MacRaith's The Tower of Fear and anonymous4401's spoof of said AAR in Secret's of the AARk is useful.The Kosaca Chronicles
AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Darling, how did you get here?" said Ioan, with surprise.
"I don't know, last I remember was some paperclip wrecking Crusader Kings on Fiftypence's computer, and...that's it."
"Hang on," said Fiftypence, "what exactly has Clippymagne done?"
"He's...he's deleted the save games, I think," replied Dorethea.
"So we're stranded?" whimpered Blaz.
"That's how it seems. You're world, you're kingdom of Croatia, Ioan...it's gone, lost to the aeons of time."
"But what should we do?"
Fiftypence gazed around the grey corridor. "We should look through all these doors, and see what they hold. You never know..."
"Yeah," said Blaz, "you never know..."
The first door they entered led them into what looked like a theme park, with all kinds of amazing rides and attractions. They went up to the rollercoaster, which a sign showed was called "The Sh*tcoaster."
"The Sh*tcoaster? What kind of a name is that for a rollercoaster?" said Dorethea.
"Look," cried Fiftypence, pointing at another sign. "The Bloody Offensive Theme Park! All the rides here must have incredibly rude names!"
"Urgh, that's sick," said Dorethea, looking at the names of some of the other rides, but then a monster appeared out of nowhere and ate her. The other three stared for a minute, before making a run for it back into the corridor.
"My wife, she got eaten!" cried Ioan.
"You're still thinking about her? Geez, stop living in the past!" said Fiftypence.
With Apologies to...well, everyone really.
They went through another door, and found themselves in a desolate landscape, where in the distance they saw a squat tower looming menacingly over the landscape. They came to the local village, and saw a sign saying:
"Welcome to Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. Now with added fear!"
"What a strange sign," commented Blaz as they came into the centre of the village, where they met an old bloke called Miklos.
"Ayh, more tourists. Those last bunch we had left a horrible mess, the blood of Frenchmen everywhere. From Nubia, or somesuch place."
"I see," said Fiftypence. "That's a nice tower you have there, maybe we could stay in it?"
"We don't talk of the tower here, the peasants are afraid. Anyway, I have to go and do something else now..." Miklos replied robotically, and the tourists watched as he clanked metallically away towards the tower.
"You think he's a robot?" said Ioan.
"Of course," replied Blaz.
That night they stayed with the local ruling family, and Ioan could not help noticing there was a fishbowl on the table.
"I can't help noticing-"
"The fishbowl?" said Ferenc, the local ruler of Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. "Yeah, see that little fish in there, dressed like a priest?"
The visitors nodded.
"Well, that is our priest."
Ioan looked at the fish, which gave him a stern, disapproving look. "Why is your priest a fish?"
Ferenc regarded him coldly. "We do things differently here."
"Ah."
That night, Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence decided to sneak up to the tower, which strangely enough now had a flashing neon sign on it, saying, "welcome to the scary tower, free drinks after nine!" Intrigued, the three went in, and found a disco, with flashing lights and a big ball on the ceiling, you know the sort, all metallic and stuff.
"Ah, I see. It's the Tower of Beer," said Ioan. They made their way upstairs, where they came to a deserted room, home only to a long dead corpse. It was very spooky, the sound of the disco only adding to their fear.
"Look," whispered Ioan, pointing at something scrawled on the wall in blood.
PONY
"Ah, pony, of course, that means one thousand years in southslavic," said Ioan.
"No it don't, it's British slang for £25," said Fiftypence.
Actually you're both wrong, it just means pony, plain and simple, written by some drunken reveller a few nights ago. And it's strawberry jam, not blood. But you won't be able to hear me, a voice sighed.
Ioan and Fiftypence appeared not to notice, but Blaz did and replied, "Hey, I can hear you."
You can? Ah, you're a ghost too. Cool. I'm Anonius Aurelius Rectitudinius Kasparius, holder of many secrets.
"So there's no curse then?" said Blaz, with relief.
Oh no, there is a curse, but no one bothered to write about it on the walls. You should leave this place at once, for the curse it about to manifest itself!
"But what does this curse entail?" asked Blaz with alarm. But there was no response. "Oh noes! It is too late. Quick guys, we have better leave!"
Strangely, it was already morning judging by the light streaming in from the windows. They ran down, and when the exited the tower the saw something horrifying.
"Robots! Hundreds and hundreds of robots!"
A typical robot, not to be called a Cyberman for copyright reasons.
Which, indeed, there were, all crying out either "exterminate!" or "delete." They tried to run back towards the door, but it was blocked by robots. Then they saw Miklos, whose arms and legs had fallen off.
"Uh, a little help?" he said with a vague smile. Ioan frowned, suspiciously.
"But you're a robot too. Why should we help you?"
"Please, my robot brethren are evil and corrupt, and for the last thousand years I've been binding the seal, stopping them from coming and enslaving Gyulaskavehervashernevferhyulafeherverfeher. But now it is too late, and the curse is fulfilled."
"What caused the curse to fulfil?" asked Ioan.
"I was supposed to do some ritual, but I couldn't because my leg fell off. Then I was attacked, and those evil robots took off my arms and legs, oh so cruel!"
"Okay then, we'll help you," said Fiftypence, who suddenly produced a machine gun, blasting the robot to smithereens.
"What did you do that for?" said Blaz.
"He was a robot," Fiftypence said, as they fired and smashed their way through the mass of robots through the door. As they tumbled back into the grey corridor, something landed on Ioan's shoulder
"What the hell is that?" screamed Ioan.
"It's a half-crab," said Fiftypence. "I wonder if it can speak?" The half-crab regarded him with what Fiftypence was a particularly knowing smirk.
"Well if it can, it ain't saying anything," said Blaz.
The half-crab burped loudly-
"This script is...awful, frankly," said the producer, looking up.
"What do you mean?" asked the director, who was already on the brink of a nervous breakdown, having had both the actors for Clippymagne and Dorethea storming off the set.
"Well, the story is nonsensical, the characters are ridiculous and, to be honest, it will be a flop at the cinema. No one in their right mind would pay to be subjected to this trash.
"But..." mumbled the director.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to put another dime into this rubbish, and all the other backers have withdrawn their support after reading the script. I'm sorry, Scott, truly I am.
The director nodded slowly and miserably. "So the film is closing down production?"
"Yes."
"Okay." And with that he left the set. The Kosaca Chronicles was forced to close production, permanently.
And so, Clippy's plan worked, Ioan, Blaz and Fiftypence were exiled from Crusader Kings forever doomed to wander the lonely grey corridor. But all along, Clippymagne knew that through victory, defeat was inevitable, for he too would be destroyed by the all powerful author, who had no choice but to stop writing. And so, the madness that had arose and swirled up from the Kosaca Chronicles like some kind of weird tornado died and faded away, leaving only a memory of happier times.
The End
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east_emnet said:
Indeed, it is an allusion to the parody of The Tower of Fear contained within anonymous4401's AAR Secrets of the AARk. (near the end)
It was fun while it lasted, shame about the save game... Thanks for writing, anyway.
That's just great. I have just found your AAR and read through it, and you delete the save files? Thanks a bunch!
But it was great while it lasted. Maybe Clippymagne will appear as the arch enemy of the Empire of Bharatvarsha?
But it was great while it lasted.
Maybe Clippymagne will appear as the arch enemy of the Empire of Bharatvarsha?