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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Fiftypence

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Okay, for this AAR I'm keeping things simple. If you want fancy dialogues and epic narratives then go read something else. If you want lousy dialogue and snarky comments, then look no further! Although, to be honest, there probably won't be any dialogues at all, but we will see.

I will be playing as the Count of Zachlumia, a one province vassal of King Petar Kresimir of Croatia. My goal is to ultimate place a Kosaca on every throne in the game, while keeping a hold of the crowns of Croatia, Serbia and Bulgaria.

BUT...I can only act within character - thus, if I have an honest, just ruler I will play to these traits, meaning no grabbing claims unless I can justify this in a realistic way. That is why I'm hoping to get a line of vengeful, deceitful, proud, arbitrary tossers. ;)

I will also not use any cheats, exploits yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, on with the show.

Index

The Zachlumia Chronicles
Ragusa
The Peasant Lady
Clippy
The Civil War
The Metallic Chronicles
The Weird Update
The Pictorial Update
Tales of Aladdin's Lamp
The Tower of Beer


The Kosaca Chronicles

3za.jpg

Ah, Zachlumia. A land of so many wonderful...ehrm, wonderful...um, hang on, wonderful...hills. Okay, I'll 'fess up, I don't know much about Zachlumia. But it has an interesting name, so I decided to give it a go.

The starting position is not that great, but it could be worse. The province is reasonably well off, but Zachlumians look over jealously at their neighbouring province of Usora and their comparative wealth. But no, Zachlumians, like hobbits, are simple folk, who just want a quiet life, growing crops and growing old in the Shi...I mean county. But they have a problem - the guy who lives up in the big castle *cough* has plans...

2za.jpg

This guy has pretty good stats, and is very good at making the simple hobbits of Zachlumia make him money. Boris likes money, more than he likes his young wife, who, let's face it, isn't going to win the Miss Zachlumia beauty pageant, even if the only other other contestant was a mutant turnip grown by one of the peasants.

1za.jpg
Boris is only in her for the stats...ehrm, never mind.​

On January 8th 1067 Doreteya gets pregnant, to the joy of all concerned, especially Boris. Things are rather quiet in this opening few months, and I notice that the Chancellor has the same last name as my ruling guy, so I marry her to the Spy Master. She's a bit past it, but Simeon might be able to squeeze a few heirs out of her, more courtiers means more minions.

4za.jpg

5za.jpg

It's love (aaah!). Later on, in September of 1067 the enterprising subjects of Zachlumia develop the stonepit, and on October 14th the wait is over...it's a, oh yes, it's a boy! Boleslav. Boris cackles manically, before realising that all his courtiers are staring at him. But when Boris inspects the baby, he discovers a terrible secret; there is a birthmark on his head, that looks like numbers, dreadful, terrible numbers. Boris shakes with fear, for the numbers are:

4 2 8 8

"NOOOO, only 2 diplomacy! Only 4 martial," shrieks Boris, his face flushed with anguish.

6za.jpg

Aah, he's not that bad I suppose, but the low diplomacy score is troublesome. This is why the next day the laws of the realm were changed, introducing Semisalic Consanguinity (and also Feudal Contract, but that is unrelated). I keep ecclesiastic balance as it is.

11za.jpg

On October 29th a noble warrior appeared at Boris's mighty castle.

"Hi, man. I'm a noble warrior, fleeing from a distant land!"

"Ooh, that's so cool," said Boris. "Which distant land is it- ooh, no, let me guess. Is it Usora?"

"No."

"Ragusa?"

"No."

"Veglia?"

"No!"

"Ooh, ooh, is it Reglisia?"

"N- what? I've never even heard of Reglisia!"

"That 'cos it doesn't exist. So, where are you from?"

The noble warrior shrugged. "Dunno, the event didn't specifiy."

The warrior, called Blaz, was made Marshall, and was joined by his mates Daz, Baz and Gaz, also fleeing from a distant land which turned out to be, of all places, Romford.

8za.jpg
A wise coward. That's just great, for my top fighting guy.

On November 16th, something I did not expect happened; I was made Duke of Croatia by King Petar, who I've always said was an all right sort of guy. Very decent fellow. This also made Bernadin Draskovic, count of Usora my vassal. A province twice as rich as Zachlumia...Vassal? Pfft, who needs vassals?

9za.jpg

The Duchy of Croatia, December 1067
 
Last edited:

unmerged(9046)

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Nice tone to this one. I won't tell you married for her huge .......tracts of land!
 

Specialist290

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I should note, incidentally, that if someone w/ a different last name inherits, then it's Game Over (unless you have another family member w/ other titles somewhere else).

I'm enjoying this AAR thus far, especially the premise of "roleplying" a character's traits. Should be fun to watch :)
 

Veldmaarschalk

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A new Fiftypence AAR, nice start so far

:)
 

Murmurandus

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Great, I always love these kinds of AARs...

Looking forward to the rest... :)
 

Nikolai

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*subscribes*
 

Fiftypence

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Stroph1: I think that one's been done a bit too much... :p

Specialist290: Don't worry, I switched to Consanguinity, not elective. And as for the rules, they are more, um...guidelines. But I will try my best to follow it.

Veldmaarschalk, Murmurandus, Nikolai: Thanks.

The Kosaca Chronicles

We return to our tale with Boris Kosaca now Duke of Croatia, having revoked his new vassal's title immediately and adding it to his own personal demesne. Being granted that title gave him quite a bit of prestige, and of course this means a bit of good old fashioned claim grabbing. Luckily, the choice of target was pretty obvious, what with there being an independent county right next door. Ragusa! The claim is duly grabbed.

However, I don't declare war immediately because my manpower is not as high as it could be. Instead of making war we make love, resulting in Doreteya getting pregnant in April of 1068. Let's just hope it's not stillborn.

Meanwhile, a forestry is started in Usora, and rather oddly Croatia go to war with Gwynedd, a result of an alliance between Petar Kresimir and William the complete and utter Bastard, king of England. Elsewhere:

19za.jpg

Geez, what did I say like two paragraphs above! Anyway, she gets pregnant again a couple of months later. I think it will be a boy with huge stats.

Meanwhile, I have a decision to make. Should I attack Ragusa now or should I wait? The problem is that the king has quite a bit of prestige, and will most likely nick the siege, so there is a chance I won't get my prize. So, I ask myself; what would Jesus do?

I get out my WWJD Magic 8 Ball, and give it a shake. From the inky blackness an answer floats to the surface: "Turn the Other Cheek." Not helpful.

So I ask myself; what would a power hungry medieval noble do? "Crush the bastards!" Aah, that's better.

I declare war on Ragusa , and send in my troops. During the battle, Boris displays great skills on the battlefield.

20za.jpg

But rather sadly Blaz the Waz does not, being the wise coward that he is:

13zaaa.jpg

The siege goes smoothly, although the King wanders over and steals the siege. He for some reason doesn't grab a claim on Ragusa though, so when the wall fall Boris gets the land, as well as 38 gold pieces.

14za.jpg

Meanwhile, in a rather surreal moment, 61 Welshmen begin a siege of Zadar completely unopposed. Boris can only sit and marvel at the stupidity of his liege, whose army just sits in Ragusa doing nothing like feckin' eejits.

15za.jpg

Aaargh! The Welsh are coming!

On December 20th 1069, Doreteya has another stillborn baby, and on the very same day Boleslav is sent off to be raised by the monks. Coincidence, I think not! Anyway, in July 1070 Doreteya gets pregnant again, and Boris can only hope it's third time lucky.

On November 18th, Boris sees a nearly irresistible wench.

"Ooh, ooh, I know this event!" said Boris enthusiastically.

"Event...?"

"Yeah, I can either have you or refuse you, and if I choose the former a bastard child will materialise out of thin air! I think I'll have you!"

"Um, okay...."

...............................PING!

"See?" said Boris, grinning.

"Wow, that was cool!" said the wench, "my very own baby."

"Awesome. But the baby's mine, and as far as the game is concerned you don't exist. Ha ha ha."

The wench watches as Boris strolls away, carrying little bastard Smilec. "The absolute c-"

In April Doreteya gave birth to a legitimate son, named Kasjan.

16za.jpg

The rest of 1070 was fairly uneventful, apart from the appearance of some random dude called Ognen asking to be diocese bishop, which was fine. I also noticed he had the Kosaca name, and so married him to a young lady called Ida von Cham, who was appointed Spy Master.

17za.jpg

Ognen Kosaca, man of mystery

In October, the hobbits of Zachlumia began whispering that Boris was a coward, in a viciously slandering manner, and in March of 1072 the epic struggle between Croatia and Gwynedd finally comes to an end.

18za.jpg

That's just great. Just bloody fantastic. Not much else happened in this update, a apart from the birth of a daughter, Teodora, in August 1072. But that's hardly important.
 

coz1

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Good to see you back doing humor, Fiftypence. And well done so far. I'll try to keep up with this one (and try to catch up on your others soon.)
 

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Very good. As always you have a marvellous turn of phrase.
 

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Good clean fun. The perfect read for a late night coming home from a far too long day at work (i.e. today). Looking forward to some sibling rivalry and bastard bashing, as the apples of Boris' eyes grow up.
 

Murmurandus

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Lovely, just lovely... :D
 

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Thanks for the comments, everybody. :)

The Kosaca Chronicles

The year was 1073, and the Duchy of Croatia grew strong. Upon the hill, in the dark tower in which the evil mastermind Boris Kosaca dwelt with his family, maniacal cackling could be heard, a sound which filled the humble peasants of Zachlumia and beyond with deep, despairing dread...

Geez, imagine what it will be like when someone actually goes insane!

But down in the province of Usora, a woman trod her way to the newly opened court of justice. She was a desolate lady, and looked old for her mere twenty years. She pleaded her case, but the judge had no time for her. Without a word, she left, and begun plotting her revenge, a vengeance that would bring Boris Kosaca to his knees! She headed east, for there was someone she wished to see in Ragusa...

21za.jpg

No, this isn't the peasant, but the new wife of mystery man Ognen. His previous wife died in labour, poor girl, and Clemenza is made chancellor. Doreteya is also pregnant, and in March of 1074 she gives birth to a son, called Ioan, who unlike Boleslav is most definitely not a stupid baby. Hang on just a moment, Ioan? What is he, Welsh??!

22za.jpg

The birthmarks on Ioan's head form the picture of, strangely enough, a dragon, but a local mad witch type lady tells Duke Boris that he had decent stats, and so he is made primary heir. Meanwhile, Boleslav is sent to learn with the monks.

In May 1074:

23za.jpg

In october I begin a tile factory in Zachlumia, and on February the 2nd Clemenza, Ognen's second wife, dies in labour. Just like the first one. Coincidence? I think not! Anyway, Ognen begs Boris to let him marry again, and so ships off for a Greek woman for him.

24za.jpg
If I were her, I would run for my life.

A fishing wharf, Ragusa. There is a strange mist, and from the darkness emerges the peasant lady. The fishing wharf is new, you can tell by the nice shiny paint and the exquisite gleam on the wood. It is like, the most awesome wharf you'll ever see. Seriously, I would totally recommend it. From some other shadows a man appears, and for a couple of minutes they nod at each other, in that subtle, very slight way you see in spy movies. Then he hands over a piece of paper. It is a map, with directions. She nods, the man nods. Unfortunately he cricks his neck, and disappears back into the shadows swearing mildly at the discomfort. Then the lady disappears, snagging her dress on a loose nail. The dress remains for a couple of seconds, before the lady hurries back and grabs it, with an embarrassed glare.

On November 9th Agata got stressed, probably from reading the above paragraph, and on October 19th there is exciting news about the Pope. No, he's not dead, he's ordered a crusade to the Holy Land. Deus Vult!!

"The Holy Land!" exclaimed Boris excitedly. "Sure, I'll mount a crusade! It will be awesome."

"I have spoken to the wharf guy in Ragusa about shipping our troops." said Steward *insertstewardnamehere*.

"Oh yes?"

"It will cost about 500 gold pieces."

There was a pause, while Boris looked thoughtful. The he smiled. "Okay, screw the Holy Land. Hey, let's get ice cream!"

Elsewhere, in April of 1077 Kasjan begun an education among the court of Croatia (poor kid), and in February of 1078 a pretty wench caught Boris's eye. The resultant bastard was named Petar, because he resembled the King in oh so many ways.

25za.jpg

Meanwhile, there was good news from the Pope:

26za.jpg

"Awesome. All I've done recently is father a bastard. Well, I guess it's clear, I must sire more bastards! God wills it!"

And so, Duke Boris set out to add to his growing collection of bastards. But little did he know, a darkness was about to grip his realm. A darkness so dark that it was like completely black and stuff.
 

angryclown

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Another Fiftypence AAR? Alrighty then

So the King just *gave* you the ducal title? I've never seen that happen before
 

coz1

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Who knew crusading was so easy? :D This should be a piece of cake!
 

unmerged(9046)

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Some gems in this update. My favorite is:

"Awesome. All I've done recently is father a bastard. Well, I guess it's clear, I must sire more bastards! God wills it!"

Nicely done!

:)
 

Stuyvesant

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I particularly liked the comment about Boris' wife's latest fashion fad. Ouch! :D

Now what is this gathering darkness that excels in its ominousity? And what is that evil 20-year old woman going to do? And how does it all tie in to the Duke's pledge to do God's work and father tons of bastards?

Questions! More questions! And no answers still! (What? You mean I have to wait more than two minutes for an update? Shock horror!)
 

Murmurandus

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Excellent update. :)