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He really is a ruler of nothing, he can't even make his own decisions: off with his head!
It's all about the branding!
Just came across this AAR and I really enjoyed it. Humorous AARs are always a fun read. Looking forward to the next update.
Hard to explain, I just found it really funny
Okay then
Great update! Not crazy conquerors indeed! I hope they believe that one
Well one can at least try
I'm going to conquer some coffee provinces to make up for that loss
To be honest I didn't try to make Orlando look bad in the last chapter... but after reading your comment, I decided to make him look somewhat bad in the next chapter.
Thanks! Next update is incoming
Chapter 10: They call him Columbus
Advisor: "My Doge..."
Marco Orlando (The Doge): "Yes?"
Advisor: "Are you really sure that was the correct decision..."
Orlando: "Of course I am."
Advisor: "Columbus is regarded as a very skilled explorer..."
Orlando: "And here is the problem. I need someone to lead our troops further into the desert. I don't need a sailor. After the death of Alighieri..."
Orlando: "After the death of Alighieri, I gladly accepted Columbus' offer to serve the 'Sienese Crown' as an explorer..."
Orlando: "... I didn't tell him there is no Sienese Crown though... anyway. Columbus turned out to be a sailor who wants to pass the big ocean in order to find a new sea route to the Orient... but that's not what we need right now. We need someone to lead our troops. We just cannot afford to spend our resources on overseas exploration right now... so I decided to send Columbus back home to Genoa."
Advisor: "My Doge, this incident has not helped our reputation..."
Orlando: "I don't understand why it would be a problem. The Portuguese refused Columbus too... they think he could never possibly reach India by sailing to the West because even though the earth is of course round, the distance would be much too large... I think they are probably correct. Anyway, if Portugal can refuse him... then we can refuse him too."
Advisor: "My Doge, it has been reported that the newly created Castilian Exploration Assembly has talked badly about you... they compared you to Enrique de Trastamara. Let me quote their statement 'By dismissing Señor Colón, Doge Marco Orlando has displayed ignorance on a scale that can only be described as Enriquean'."
Orlando: "So what does that fancy new word mean... is it bad?"
Advisor: "Yes, my Doge. Let me describe it like this... on a scale from 'triple zero' to 'triple six', Enriquean would be a 'triple zero'."
Orlando: "I'm sure I'm not a 'triple zero' though."
Advisor: "That's technically correct, but it's already bad for us if people just think that way..."
Orlando: "Those Castilians should better be quiet... if they value Columbus so much why don't they employ him? He might discover them some nice lands or something! But they shouldn't tell me what to do and what not to do... aren't there any more important matters to talk about?"
Messenger [entering the room]: "My Doge, news from Sweden."
Orlando: "Ehm... Sweden? How is Sweden in any way relevant?"
Messenger: "Oh they are completely irrelevant of course... but you know, they have way too much copper up there... seems like nobody wanted to buy their copper... so in order to create some demand, they invented the so-called 'bronze cannons'. Now everyone wants to build those cannons and as a consequence the Swedes are getting rich from their exports... it's not clear at the moment whether those new weapons are going to have a big impact on the battlefield or not, but if they do then we should better be prepared..."
Orlando: "Okay... that is relevant."
Advisor: "My Doge..."
Marco Orlando (The Doge): "Yes?"
Advisor: "Are you really sure that was the correct decision..."
Orlando: "Of course I am."
Advisor: "Columbus is regarded as a very skilled explorer..."
Orlando: "And here is the problem. I need someone to lead our troops further into the desert. I don't need a sailor. After the death of Alighieri..."
Orlando: "After the death of Alighieri, I gladly accepted Columbus' offer to serve the 'Sienese Crown' as an explorer..."
Orlando: "... I didn't tell him there is no Sienese Crown though... anyway. Columbus turned out to be a sailor who wants to pass the big ocean in order to find a new sea route to the Orient... but that's not what we need right now. We need someone to lead our troops. We just cannot afford to spend our resources on overseas exploration right now... so I decided to send Columbus back home to Genoa."
Advisor: "My Doge, this incident has not helped our reputation..."
Orlando: "I don't understand why it would be a problem. The Portuguese refused Columbus too... they think he could never possibly reach India by sailing to the West because even though the earth is of course round, the distance would be much too large... I think they are probably correct. Anyway, if Portugal can refuse him... then we can refuse him too."
Advisor: "My Doge, it has been reported that the newly created Castilian Exploration Assembly has talked badly about you... they compared you to Enrique de Trastamara. Let me quote their statement 'By dismissing Señor Colón, Doge Marco Orlando has displayed ignorance on a scale that can only be described as Enriquean'."
Orlando: "So what does that fancy new word mean... is it bad?"
Advisor: "Yes, my Doge. Let me describe it like this... on a scale from 'triple zero' to 'triple six', Enriquean would be a 'triple zero'."
Orlando: "I'm sure I'm not a 'triple zero' though."
Advisor: "That's technically correct, but it's already bad for us if people just think that way..."
Orlando: "Those Castilians should better be quiet... if they value Columbus so much why don't they employ him? He might discover them some nice lands or something! But they shouldn't tell me what to do and what not to do... aren't there any more important matters to talk about?"
Messenger [entering the room]: "My Doge, news from Sweden."
Orlando: "Ehm... Sweden? How is Sweden in any way relevant?"
Messenger: "Oh they are completely irrelevant of course... but you know, they have way too much copper up there... seems like nobody wanted to buy their copper... so in order to create some demand, they invented the so-called 'bronze cannons'. Now everyone wants to build those cannons and as a consequence the Swedes are getting rich from their exports... it's not clear at the moment whether those new weapons are going to have a big impact on the battlefield or not, but if they do then we should better be prepared..."
Orlando: "Okay... that is relevant."
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Chapter 11: The stage is set
"Dear reader! I am Marco Orlando and this is my new report. A lot of things happened in the meantime... where to start? Well... first I'm going to tell you how I lost my position as Doge...
So in 1481, I recieved a message from the Syndicate... they told me they would back Evangelista Vagliagli to become the new Doge... who is Vagliagli you might ask? Well, he is a fairly insignificant person in my opinion... which also explains why he only stayed for one term and then got replaced by Constantino Salimbeni. But he is quite good in military matters and that's also the reason why the Syndicate wanted him so badly. Yes, the reform of the military got neglected a bit during my rule... we had other priorities... now with the Swedish inventions it suddenly became important. Oh, and also because we planned to invade people, I guess.
Anyway, Vagliagli did have some success extending and improving the use of gunpowder weapons in our army... even though we did not manage to catch up with most of the other countries and we actually did not produce any cannons during his term. But I digress...
Some months after taking charge, Vagliagli collected the troops and prepared to start a glorious crusade in order to spread the true faith in the lands of Aïr. To be fair, there had already been a very crusader-ish mood in the country during my last term... which is why 'Deus Vult' had been the word of the year in 1479. Deus Vult!
As far as Aïr is concerned... we knew that they were already at war with some other state called the 'Songhai Empire' and we knew that their troops were somewhere, but definitely not guarding their northern border. Well, Vagliagli did what was asked of him and took the opportunity to attack.
Our troops entered their territory without any real resistance... but then we encountered the fortifications of Aïr. Yes, we found their capital... located near a small mountain range and actually fortified quite well.
In the meantime, our city in Djado Valley got established officially, making it possible to connect our northern lands to possible acquisitions in the south!
The orange troops of Djerid soon assisted us in our conquest... then we marched to the south-west and met some troops from Songhai. They had indeed beaten Aïr in battle and were now occupying their western lands. We didn't know where exactly Songhai was located... probably further west.
So it became clear that the situation we were in was some kind of standoff... our troops occupying some lands, Songhai occupying some lands, and the army of Aïr maybe lurking around somewhere. We used this opportunity to explore... and we found a place producing indigo dyes. Now we know where exactly these flowers grow...
In general, the further south we went the more surprising things we found...
... an interesting vegetation and strange animals.
Anyway, I'm going to stop here... there were many more things that happened during our campaign. You'll certainly read it in the next chapter... or report. Until next time!"
"Dear reader! I am Marco Orlando and this is my new report. A lot of things happened in the meantime... where to start? Well... first I'm going to tell you how I lost my position as Doge...
So in 1481, I recieved a message from the Syndicate... they told me they would back Evangelista Vagliagli to become the new Doge... who is Vagliagli you might ask? Well, he is a fairly insignificant person in my opinion... which also explains why he only stayed for one term and then got replaced by Constantino Salimbeni. But he is quite good in military matters and that's also the reason why the Syndicate wanted him so badly. Yes, the reform of the military got neglected a bit during my rule... we had other priorities... now with the Swedish inventions it suddenly became important. Oh, and also because we planned to invade people, I guess.
Anyway, Vagliagli did have some success extending and improving the use of gunpowder weapons in our army... even though we did not manage to catch up with most of the other countries and we actually did not produce any cannons during his term. But I digress...
Some months after taking charge, Vagliagli collected the troops and prepared to start a glorious crusade in order to spread the true faith in the lands of Aïr. To be fair, there had already been a very crusader-ish mood in the country during my last term... which is why 'Deus Vult' had been the word of the year in 1479. Deus Vult!
As far as Aïr is concerned... we knew that they were already at war with some other state called the 'Songhai Empire' and we knew that their troops were somewhere, but definitely not guarding their northern border. Well, Vagliagli did what was asked of him and took the opportunity to attack.
Our troops entered their territory without any real resistance... but then we encountered the fortifications of Aïr. Yes, we found their capital... located near a small mountain range and actually fortified quite well.
In the meantime, our city in Djado Valley got established officially, making it possible to connect our northern lands to possible acquisitions in the south!
The orange troops of Djerid soon assisted us in our conquest... then we marched to the south-west and met some troops from Songhai. They had indeed beaten Aïr in battle and were now occupying their western lands. We didn't know where exactly Songhai was located... probably further west.
So it became clear that the situation we were in was some kind of standoff... our troops occupying some lands, Songhai occupying some lands, and the army of Aïr maybe lurking around somewhere. We used this opportunity to explore... and we found a place producing indigo dyes. Now we know where exactly these flowers grow...
In general, the further south we went the more surprising things we found...
... an interesting vegetation and strange animals.
Anyway, I'm going to stop here... there were many more things that happened during our campaign. You'll certainly read it in the next chapter... or report. Until next time!"
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Ignoring the talent of Columbus and the might of Sweden. Dear god, what a badass Doge you created
!I don't want to nitpick, but what connection is there between dyes and flowers? Is it fertility of the ground or some sort? I know I can ask strange questions, that's who I am apparently
...
Glory to the Sienese crown! Even if there isn't one Great updates as always, my doge.
Great updates as always, my doge.- 1
Well I don't really plan ahead and I'm writing and posting whenever I feel like it. That's why there can be two updates at the same day or no update at all. Maybe later on, I'm going to follow a schedule or something. Maybe
Hmm... Trojan Horse reloaded?
Ignoring the talent of Columbus and the might of Sweden. Dear god, what a badass Doge you created
I don't want to nitpick, but what connection is there between dyes and flowers? Is it fertility of the ground or some sort? I know I can ask strange questions, that's who I am apparently
Well Sweden is not that important.
Anyway, when I write 'flowers' I'm referring to the indigo plants which were traditionally used to produce the dyes
Well as a republic, being Enriquean is not even mathematically possible
Glory to the Sienese crown! Even if there isn't one
Thank you!
Chapter 12: Deus ... Vult?
Evangelista Vagliagli (The Doge/Commander): "So many discoveries."
Butrus Hakimi (Agent/Diplomat/Advisor): "Indeed, Signore Vagliagli... first we acquired those maps about Portuguese discoveries in the ocean... they found an archipelago several hundred kilometers south of the Canary Islands. We are sure that they continued their exploration efforts in the meantime... they might have sent another expedition further south or who knows where..."
Vagliagli: "If that's the case, I hope you can 'acquire' another map showing their new discoveries. Hehe."
Hakimi: "Oh I'm certainly going to try. Anyway, Portugal is now also at war with Morocco... they are trying to increase their control over North-West Africa. Ambitious indeed..."
Vagliagi: "Just like us. If the Portuguese increase their power in Africa they might be able to help us in further conquests... nothing to worry about. Anyway, what about that lake?"
Hakimi: "Which lake?"
Vagliagli: "Well that... thing we found. In the south-east."
Hakimi: "Oh that one, well the locals call it 'Lake Chad'. And that's all we know about it. Our troops are currently busy sieging the local fortifications and we cannot afford to send anybody to explore."
[Three persons enter the room. One is a messenger with a letter. The other one is easily identified as the former Doge, Marco Orlando. The third person is an agent wearing a mask.]
Messenger: "My Doge! Breaking news! The Florentines... Pope... we..."
Messenger: "The Florentines want to drag us into a war against the Pope!"
Orlando: "Signore Vagliagli... I recommend to honour their call to arms."
Vagliagli: "Signore Orlando! What are you doing here? Haven't you... retired? Aren't you a story writer right now? Or something?"
Agent [removing his mask]: "Signore Vagliagli. I am carrying direct instructions from the Syndicate's Chief Strategist. This is of the utmost importance which is also the reason why Signore Orlando is here. We must accept the call to arms..."
Vagliagli: "I mean, I'm not really focused on what's happening in Italy, but to attack the POPE? I cannot possibly agree! Okay, I admit I'm not an expert in diplomacy, but what I know is that attacking the pope is always a mistake! It makes you the antichrist!"
Agent: "That's why we are not going to send any troops. Listen. The pretext for this war is the following... the Florentines have 'found' some documents 'proving' that the city of Modena is theirs by right... Modena is currently owned by the Lord of Ferrara... who is in turn allied to the Pope. Now we are just going to declare that we believe the Florentine documents are true so we are obliged to accept the call to arms according to our treaty. The Pope won't like that but he won't regard us as antichrists... maybe as fools... the Florentines will win the war easily and they will regard us as a valuable ally because we supported them. At the same time, we will explain to the Pope how we did not actually support them. Okay?"
Orlando: "However I must add that the traders of the Papal State will certainly use this opportunity to seize... or sink... some of our ships... well it's a sacrifice that must be made..."
Vagliagli: "Whatever. If you think that's the correct decision then it's fine with me... can I go back to reforming the army now?"
Evangelista Vagliagli (The Doge/Commander): "So many discoveries."
Butrus Hakimi (Agent/Diplomat/Advisor): "Indeed, Signore Vagliagli... first we acquired those maps about Portuguese discoveries in the ocean... they found an archipelago several hundred kilometers south of the Canary Islands. We are sure that they continued their exploration efforts in the meantime... they might have sent another expedition further south or who knows where..."
Vagliagli: "If that's the case, I hope you can 'acquire' another map showing their new discoveries. Hehe."
Hakimi: "Oh I'm certainly going to try. Anyway, Portugal is now also at war with Morocco... they are trying to increase their control over North-West Africa. Ambitious indeed..."
Vagliagi: "Just like us. If the Portuguese increase their power in Africa they might be able to help us in further conquests... nothing to worry about. Anyway, what about that lake?"
Hakimi: "Which lake?"
Vagliagli: "Well that... thing we found. In the south-east."
Hakimi: "Oh that one, well the locals call it 'Lake Chad'. And that's all we know about it. Our troops are currently busy sieging the local fortifications and we cannot afford to send anybody to explore."
[Three persons enter the room. One is a messenger with a letter. The other one is easily identified as the former Doge, Marco Orlando. The third person is an agent wearing a mask.]
Messenger: "My Doge! Breaking news! The Florentines... Pope... we..."
Messenger: "The Florentines want to drag us into a war against the Pope!"
Orlando: "Signore Vagliagli... I recommend to honour their call to arms."
Vagliagli: "Signore Orlando! What are you doing here? Haven't you... retired? Aren't you a story writer right now? Or something?"
Agent [removing his mask]: "Signore Vagliagli. I am carrying direct instructions from the Syndicate's Chief Strategist. This is of the utmost importance which is also the reason why Signore Orlando is here. We must accept the call to arms..."
Vagliagli: "I mean, I'm not really focused on what's happening in Italy, but to attack the POPE? I cannot possibly agree! Okay, I admit I'm not an expert in diplomacy, but what I know is that attacking the pope is always a mistake! It makes you the antichrist!"
Agent: "That's why we are not going to send any troops. Listen. The pretext for this war is the following... the Florentines have 'found' some documents 'proving' that the city of Modena is theirs by right... Modena is currently owned by the Lord of Ferrara... who is in turn allied to the Pope. Now we are just going to declare that we believe the Florentine documents are true so we are obliged to accept the call to arms according to our treaty. The Pope won't like that but he won't regard us as antichrists... maybe as fools... the Florentines will win the war easily and they will regard us as a valuable ally because we supported them. At the same time, we will explain to the Pope how we did not actually support them. Okay?"
Orlando: "However I must add that the traders of the Papal State will certainly use this opportunity to seize... or sink... some of our ships... well it's a sacrifice that must be made..."
Vagliagli: "Whatever. If you think that's the correct decision then it's fine with me... can I go back to reforming the army now?"
Chapter 13: The spawn of the devil
"The end is nigh! The end is nigh! Rome has colllllllllapsed! Evil has triumphed! The 1st Unfaithful Army...
The 1st Unfaithful Army has desecrated the most holy places! Oh... the forces of darkness always strike when nobody expects... His Holiness the Pope has sent the army to fight in some minor worldly conflict... then the antichristian monsters spawned and spread their heresy throughout the land! The minor conflict ended... the forces of evil are still there!
The end is nigh!"
[Meanwhile in Africa]
Rafaello Labriola (Commander): "Let's start! [starts to sing] We are so narrow-minded..."
Soldiers [singing]: "We are so narrow-minded."
Labriola: "We feel safe and secure..."
Soldiers: "We feel safe and secure."
Labriola: "We have found the flower zone..."
Soldiers. "We have found the flower zone."
Labriola: "The forces of Songhai have retreated before our very eyes!"
Soldiers: "... retreated before our very eyes."
Labriola: "Meanwhile Portugal got their share."
Soldiers: "Portugal... share..."
Labriola: "Come on... that's not how you do it!"
Labriola: "We have beaten Aïr in the battle of Daura!"
Soldiers: "We have beaten Aïr in the battle of Daura."
Labriola: "There can only be one consequence."
Soldiers: "There can only be one consequence."
Labriola: "Annex, annex, annex!"
Soldiers [cheering]: "Annex!"
"The end is nigh! The end is nigh! Rome has colllllllllapsed! Evil has triumphed! The 1st Unfaithful Army...
The 1st Unfaithful Army has desecrated the most holy places! Oh... the forces of darkness always strike when nobody expects... His Holiness the Pope has sent the army to fight in some minor worldly conflict... then the antichristian monsters spawned and spread their heresy throughout the land! The minor conflict ended... the forces of evil are still there!
The end is nigh!"
[Meanwhile in Africa]
Rafaello Labriola (Commander): "Let's start! [starts to sing] We are so narrow-minded..."
Soldiers [singing]: "We are so narrow-minded."
Labriola: "We feel safe and secure..."
Soldiers: "We feel safe and secure."
Labriola: "We have found the flower zone..."
Soldiers. "We have found the flower zone."
Labriola: "The forces of Songhai have retreated before our very eyes!"
Soldiers: "... retreated before our very eyes."
Labriola: "Meanwhile Portugal got their share."
Soldiers: "Portugal... share..."
Labriola: "Come on... that's not how you do it!"
Labriola: "We have beaten Aïr in the battle of Daura!"
Soldiers: "We have beaten Aïr in the battle of Daura."
Labriola: "There can only be one consequence."
Soldiers: "There can only be one consequence."
Labriola: "Annex, annex, annex!"
Soldiers [cheering]: "Annex!"
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Siena commander Rafaello calls: "I don't know but I've been TOLD"
Siena marines respond: "I don't know but I've been TOLD"
Sienna commander calls: "AIR in the desert is now mighty COLD!"
Siena marines respond: "AIR in the desert is now mighty COLD!"
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Thank you! Actually I'm not so sure about the morale of the army, but at least they feel safe and secure.
That contrast between the end is nigh and then - people feel safe...
That was completely unintended
(Seriously)
I don't think the Sienese soldiers are wise enough to make use of advanced things such as rhymes or Air jokes.