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Missing That One Final Screw - A Bavarian Pre/Sequel

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Secluar justice strikes again :rofl:

"Do you deny having dealed with the devil or his conhosts?"

"Um, yes!"

"AHA! ALL INFERNAL SEVERANTS LIES!"

"I, I meant no!"

"CONFESSION!"
 
I giggled so much I thought I would wet myself.




Did I just say I giggled?
 
GrimPagan: Seriously. Starting to doubt the fairness of said trials.

rule_brittania: Yep! The Bavarian Empire will at least stretch to Vicky, even HoI2 if I get it in time.

Everybody else: Thanks for the comments! :)
-------------

1200

Jan 12 - We claim the title "Duke of Szekezfeherwar".

Duke: This title was obviously created by the drunken scribblings of a Bavarian, so it's ours.

Aug 21 - Germany attacks Verona, for the horrible crime of being a different color.

1201

1202

Nov 18 - Our smiths believe they can make gold soon.

Ernst: *snort* Should we tell them, sir?

Ludwig: Naw, let 'em dream.

Dec 28 - Hungary dows Austria, Germany dows Hungary, Lower Lorraine dows Hungary, Russia dows Lower Lorraine, Germany dows Russia, and Austria dows Russia.

Ernst: Wow. I think somebody got a little too happy at the Christmas party.

Ludwig: Was it me?

1203

Jan 2 - The Inquisition arrives in Niederbayern.

Ludwig: Oh, hell. There goes any chance at a fair trial.

Mar 26 - We get bored and grab the title "Duke of Meissen". Also, the Byzantines own Mecca and Medina. Their embassy's already been burned in Gadjookistan.

1204

1205

Dec 8 - An ancient document gives us a claim on a Polish duke.

Ernst: Geez, how many claims do we have? *goes to file new claim*

1206

1207

Jan 15 - Ernst finally heals from hundreds of paper cuts.

Ernst: Never expected the file cabinet to explode....

The citizens blamed the Duke.

Oct 17 - We attack the County of Osterreich. Meissen and Germany dow me.

1208

Jan 7 - Meissen and County of Osterreich absorbed.

Feb 1 - We pay off Germany with 500gold.

Duke: A splendid little war, eh?

1209

1210

Aug 21 - Mecklemburg declares independence from us.

Sept 23 - Mecklemburg reconsiders and asks to be our vassal.

Ludwig: Running in circles much?

Oct 21 - Marshal accused of black magic, fair trial, executed.

Duke: Oh, come on!

1211

Feb 14 - Duke is now the Papal Controller. Pope has little prestige. Grr.

Mar 18 - Spy Master goes schizo.

Ludwig: Can't blame the author of picking a bad title...

Aug 29 - Somehow the heir is a vassal of Castille/Spain. That's not good...

Dec 18 - Duke's daughter gets pregnant.

Duke: >_>

Ludwig: What?! That was totally not me. And I've got six or seven witnesses to prove my alibi.

Ernst: ... UGH!

1212

Sept 1 - A quick check shows that Germany has a three-year-old King. Hmm...

1213

1214

Feb 1 - Finally the freakin' Pope gets enough prestige to excom the kid king.

Feb 27 - We claim the title King of Germany.

1215

May 3 - Lubeck leaves Germany.

May 25 - Lubeck asks to join Bavaria.

Ernst: Sir, I think you've actually made a good plan for once.

Ludwig: One of them had to work eventually. :D

1216

1217

Jun 25 - We declare war on Germany, which is preoccupied with fighting its breakaway vassals.

Sept 11 - St. Gallen asks to join us as Germany continues to crumble.

1218

1219

February 9 - 47-year-old Folkhard von Nordheim is crowned King of the Germans.

ALL HAIL.

1220

1221

Jun 27 - Jerusalem suffers under the heathens! They're being all heathenish!

King: I shall finance a Crusade!

Ludwig: Not so loud, sir... little hungover...

King: But that party was two years ago!

Ludwig: *grins* Wasn't it great?

1222

May 1 - 10,000 soldiers land in the Holy Land.

Oct 14 - Jerusalem retaken.

Soldiers: Ooh! Aah!

Ernst: Yeah, 'ooh' 'aah', that's how it always starts. Then there's running and screaming.

Dec 20 - The Bishophoric of Jerusalem created. The King's piety cannot be measured by any insturment known to man.

1223

Jul 17 - The title 'King of Italy' is created, then granted to our oldest loyal Italian vassal. This also rockets our reputation from 'very bad' to 'honorable'.

Jul 18 - Italy attacks Venice.

Ludwig: Geez, how long have you waited to do that?

1224

Mar 10 - The Sejuk Turks attack Jerusalem. Jerusalem's forces are defeated, German troops are raised.

ba484165.jpg

The Kingdom of Germany and surroundings, 1225.

f3beb986.jpg

The King of the Germans. Kneel and hope for his mercy.
 
Rocketman said:
The King of the Germans. Kneel and hope for his mercy..
Click to expand...

Well, with these fair trials, you have to hope for mercy. Justice would leave you very disappointed and tied to a stake.

And I am impressed by your resolute by giving away the Kingdom of Italy.
 
"King: I shall finance a Crusade!

Ludwig: Not so loud, sir... little hungover...

King: But that party was two years ago!

Ludwig: *grins* Wasn't it great?"


Awesome writing,once again.
 
GrimPagan said:
And I am impressed by your resolute by giving away the Kingdom of Italy.
Click to expand...

Heh, thanks. It was seriously helpful for my badboy. Also, since I'm taking this to EUII, I don't want the converter to decide I'm Italy instead of Bavaria/Germany. So, I probably won't be taking any more King titles.
 
Great AAR, gives me a good laugh every time I read it.
I am looking forward the episodes with golden horde and stuff. :D
 
Wonder how many of his grandfathers Ludwig will eventually turn out to be.

Also, the heir being a Castillian vassal shouldn't matter. They're loyal to whichever one offers the higher title, so you'll just get some Spanish land you don't have much use for.
 
Rocketman said:
Heh, thanks. It was seriously helpful for my badboy. Also, since I'm taking this to EUII, I don't want the converter to decide I'm Italy instead of Bavaria/Germany. So, I probably won't be taking any more King titles.
Click to expand...

Well, I think that your highest primary title is the one that counts towards convertion, atleast that what I experienced as Norway and Nubia.
 
Cat Frightener: Yeah, it's not a problem now. On the other note, I ain't telling. :p

Wolfhound: Y'know, I totally forgot about the Hordes until the first one popped up.

Everybody Else: You will read this update. You will laugh. You will send me money. Not Canadian money, either. God help you if I get Canadian money! :mad:
------------

1225

May 3 - The King becomes Just. Hopefully, this will help with those trials. >_>

1226

July 2 - The entire army of Germany, about 200,000 men, is sent to the Holy Land. They decide to walk.

Byz Emperor: *girlie squeak*

July 11 - The County of Istria asks to be our vassal. We accept, but they get annexed a couple days later by an independent Duke.

Sept 4 - The Pope attacks our ally Burgundy. With our entire army somewhere in Turkey, we decline to join.

King: Wait, aren't I Papal Controller? Why is the Pope attacking my ally?

Ludwig: *shrugs* WAD?

1227

Jan 10 - A Heretic Bishop vassal, Swaben, declares independence. We can't do much, since our whole army's in Turkey.

Feb 3 - The Chancellor goes insane, claiming she heard a Bohemian Queen singing.

May 3 - Because the King's a nice guy, we let a claim against a vassal slide.

Vassal: Yay!

Aug 9 - The mighty armies of Germany liberate Jerusalem and force a White Peace with the Sejuks.

King: *looks around* I kinda expected more from the Holy City.

Ludwig: Yeah.... Too much sand.

Ernst: DESERT CRAB! AIYE! *gets mauled*

Aug 15 - The Fatmids dow us. We'd already demobilized.

King: I'm thinking we should just let them have the place. Damn.

Dec 8 - The Crusade ends with Jerusalem in German hands.

1228

May 10 - Peace with the Fatmids.

May 25 - Those damn Polish rat bastards took Slupsk!

GerKing: Do you want me to kick your ass? Is that it?

PolKing: I just wanted you to notice me! *cries*

Ludwig: Oo-kay, I think we should be going now.

Jul 4 - The Duke of Karnten agrees to become our vassal.

Ludwig: Holy hell, that button actually worked?!

Nov 3 - The Chancellor goes uncrazy.

Ernst: Is that even possible?

Chancellor: Yep! All 12 of us are completely sane!

1229

Jul 30 - Kingdom of Jerusalem forms for the third or fourth time.

1230

Mar 7 - Compassion for starving Nurnbergers.

Ludwig: We fed them some Hamburgers.

Ernst: Sir, do you mean... never mind, I don't want to know.

Also, we decide to try to expand diplomatically. AKA, spamming Offer Vassalization.

May 24 - Swaben rejoins.

Jul 15 - The Duke of Pommerania, tired of our spam, finally relents and joins.

DukePom: I surrender....no more, please! I can't punch the monkey, even for 20 gold...

Aug 7 - The Il Khanat arrives near Persia.

DUN DUN DUN....

1231
1232

1233

Apr 15 - The Il Khanat is actually being contained by the AI! :eek:

1234

May 2 - We help our English allies with a Welsh problem.

May 7 - Welsh duke gives us 6892g to turn around and go home.

Ludwig: Good luck, English guys!

1235

Mar 6 - Italy attacks Venice again.

Aug 15 - Italy defeats Venice this time.

1236

Russia is breaking up with severe vassal trouble. So is Byzantium.

Ernst: I have a bad feeling about this...

1237
1238

1239

Mar 29 - We claim an Evil Omen seen is really a good sign!

Sign: YOU SHALL BE PWNT.

King: Totally not talking about us.

1240

1241

May 28 - County of Hainut revolts against France. Since it's technically in Germany, we claim/dow.

Jun 26 - At the last second, the French King steals the seige. And people wonder why Germany keeps invading France.

Sept 28 - Critical Bible Interpretations.

Strip286.gif


1242

Jun 30 - We dow Upper Silestia to take it back. Poland dows us.

Oct 6 - Somehow, we got Chelminskie in the peace deal instead of Upper Silestia.

King: Was the signer drunk?

Ludwig: No I...he... wasn't!

1243

Mar 28 - We white peace with Poland.

Jul 15 - The GOLDEN MOTHER****ING HORDE arrives and starts chewing up little independent Russian dukes/counts.

1244

Jan - King's wife dies. He takes a new wife. He gets his new wife pregnant. The King is 72.

1245

1246

Oct 13 - The King finally gives out and dies at 75. His son Heinrich takes the throne.

ScreenSave9.jpg

Old King, new King.

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c245/MysticRocket/ScreenSave11.jpg
Germany

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c245/MysticRocket/ScreenSave13.jpg
The Il-Khanat

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c245/MysticRocket/ScreenSave12.jpg
THE GOLDEN MOTHER****ING HORDE. Also Sweden.
 
Money? He don't need it, he got over 25k there. And good luck with the golden stream coming from the east.
 
cuchulain: No, not really. And you'll see why. :eek:

Lützow: :mad: ;)

GrimPagan: I ain't into that sorta stuff.
---------------
1246

Oct 18 - The alliance with England is renewed.

1247

Oct 7 - We notice the King has no kids, so he gets married for the first time at age 52.

King: Um, Ludwig?

Ludwig: Yes, Your Highness?

King: Um.... how do I....get an heir?

Ludwig: ... Are you serious?

1248

Feb 28 - The King learns quick, and despite the noodle incident, his wife gets pregnant.

Oct 19 - A vassal of ours attacks Sweden, so we join in.

King: Wait, if we kill King Johan, won't we cease to exist?

Ludwig: Naw, naw.

King: You sure?

Ernst: Trust him, he knows all about causing Paradox.

Dec 3 - The King's wife dies in labor.

Dec 4 - The King marries his dead wife's sister.

Ludwig: 'Cause nothing honors your wife's memory more than making out with her sister on her grave.

1249

Jun 20 - An event occurs. The King and a wench were involved.

Ernst: You've created a monster, sir!

Ludwig: *sniffs and wipes away a tear* They grow up so fast...

1250

Jul 18 - After freezing our meatballs off in Sweden, we finally force a White Peace.

SweKing: At least you jerks get to leave....

1251

Apr 27 - The King dies at 56, his brother Arnulf takes the throne.

Apr 29 - Alliance with England renewed.

May 23 - A heretic vassal, Ulm, declares independence!

King: They shall not pass!

Jul 16 - Ulm is annexed.

1252

Apr 14 - The King. A wench. You do the math.

Jul 25 - The lvl 12 Marshal is accused of using black magic! He is given a fair trial and is not executed!

EngKing: I say, is that a flying pig?

Pig: Oink! *dive-bombs sheep*

Sheep: Bah. *explodes*

1253
1254

1255

Jun 16 - Marienburg is absorbed by Prussia after trying to declare independence.

Oct 30 - Byzanton has fallen, and a Crusade ordered against it.

1256

1257

Jun 27 - The Byzantines, on th verge of complete distruction, retake the City. We would've tried to take it, but I'd prefer not to fight a faraway war with the Mongols coming through Russia.

1258

Apr - THE GOLDEN MOTHER****ING HORDE now controls 99% of the former Kingdom of Rus. Oh hell.

1259
1260
1261
1262

We watch the Mongols slow down, but still expanding.

1263

Jan 4 - THE GOLDEN MOTHER****ING HORDE attacks our vassal in East Prussia. Oh ****...

ScreenSave21.jpg

The King, DoW, and army strengths.

ScreenSave22.jpg

THE GOLDEN MOTHER****ING HORDE. That little red spot is what's left of Russia.
 
Oh, joy. The Mongols. And with only a 1 martial king! :eek:
 
Jun 20 - An event occurs. The King and a wench were involved.

Ernst: You've created a monster, sir!

Ludwig: *sniffs and wipes away a tear* They grow up so fast...
Click to expand...

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Brilliant, just brilliant. Good luck fighting the Horde!

(I say, did someone mention WarCraft?) :D
 
Oh dear.

Just remember that you hurt the ones you love, and that the Horde love you long time.
 
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