Tales of the Rus: Chapter V, "The Time of Troubles"
- The Reign of Too Many Tsars To Accurately Count (-1612) -
- the Rise of Mikhael, First of the Romanovs (1612-1645) -
Summary:
A Tsar dies. People are ecstatic and kill each other. Another Tsar dies. People kill each other. Polacks help to restore order. A third Tsar dies. A metropolitan has just about had enough with all those crownings. People kill even more of each other. The first Romanov takes the throne. Sweden is attacked by Russia, Poland sides with Russia! Poland wins big while Russia takes a beating. The Tsar is not amused. The Swede is philosophical. Colonisation continues. Sweden attacks Poland, Russia sides with Poland. Russian cossacks save Polish capital. Fall of Gustav "Fucking Unreal Leader" II Adolf. Sweden takes a beating. Russia wins big. The Swede is not amused. The Tsar is philosophical. The Tsar rebuilds Russia. The Tsar beats the Persians. The Tsar signs a treaty with Poland. The Tsar receives a report delayed. The Tsar is astonished by what the report reveals. The Tsar is forced to reevalutate the trustworthiness of his chief Ally.
"...And it came to pass that the head guy, Boris, was sort of loosing control of the country, which was bad, so he asked his neighbour, a real bruiser of a Polack, to help him retain control, but things just went worse with, well, you know, people partying and killing officials all over the place, and then the Swedish ruler, a bastard like all their rulers, began threatening, like, havoc and war, you know, but Boris did not list, 'cuz he was sort of dead despite the Polish troops guarding Moscow, his main city, and many people blamed the Swede - those that were not partying in the streets, that is.
So the chief religious dude, the metropolitan, said that now Dmitry got to be Tsar of all the Russians, but he turned out to be a false Dmitry, and got killed rather violently. So the religious dude said that now some guy Vasily should rule, but all could see that he was just a fucking Swedish stooge, so he soon died of natural causes, as they said in those days, and there was more rioting all over the country. So the metropolitan said, like, right, I'm too old for this shit, so he appointed a guy Vladislav, who just happened to be in town and supported by the entire Polish Army, Tsar instead of the Tsar, don't you know? And then the country was sort of mostly quiet.
And that was in 1610.
So this guy Vladislav, Tsar of all the Russians, with a broken country needing healing, you know what he does? He invades Sweden and asks the Poles to come along. Now, given that he was a North-Pole until just two months earlier, it comes as no surprise that he knows what's moving and shaking in Poland, does it? No, indeed, and the Poles do come along.
Just so happens that the Swedes have a real motherfucker leading their armies, Gustaf Fuckin' A himself, and as the Russians weapons are
really inferior as well, the Swedes kill an awful lot of Russians. Just so happens that there are many more Russians than Swedes, and Vladislav is really a Pole, so why should he care? Anyway, lots of battles and blood and stuff like that, and then Poland makes peace with Sweden gaining the Baltic states free of charge, and leaves Russia alone facing Denmark and Sweden with super-leaders, and suddenly Sweden does not really want to make peace with Russia anymore, and many Russians are pretty bloody angry at Vladislav the North-Pole, I kid thee not. So Vladislav sort of falls on his own dagger by accident, and the chief religious dude has to find another Tsar, and this in the middle of the bleeding war!
So he has, like, a vision from the lord himself, and appoints one of the most peaceful lords of the country - well, relatively peaceful, quite bloodthirsty by most non-Russian yardsticks - Mikhael I Romanov. And Mikhael is sort of like, what the fuck is going on here, and he would sort of like peace. He fights on for, oh, two years, but the Swedes just keep on coming and going from their boats in the harbour, and in the end, it is just too expensive really, so he sort of agrees to peace and has to give up Kexholm to the Swedes, and he is one mean and angry dude, I tell you.
But Mikhael, he is one good king, and that is a good thing, so he mops up leftover rebels and begin to heal the country. A healer, not a divider, that's Mikhael.
Not that he gets peace for long, though. No, his armies are still completely overmatched when the Swede attacks Poland in, oh, 1618 or so. Now, Mikhael, he is not sure that he wants to aid the Poles, to be honest. That separate peace during the last Swedish war sure looks like a complete betrayal, but the Polish chief claims that no, it was meant to aid Russia, really, such that Russia could overrun the remnants of Sweden alone, a claim that good ol' Mikhael finds dubious at best. This is what we call intrigue, in case you were wondering. Nevertheless, Mikhael is willing to trust the Pole just this one time, but vows the utter obliteration of Poland should he be doublecrossed, something the Pole avows will never happen, so he sends cavalry, some forty or fifty thousand, just what he can spare from the Polish border, really, south into Poland to stop Gustav Fuckin' A who is running roughshod over the Poles, and a hundred thousand men or so into Finland.
And it happens that the Russian cavalry arrives in the nick of time to save Warsaw from falling to the Swede, and the Swedish invasion army is sort of crushed, and the remnants that try to escape are hunted down and killed rather messily, including just about all the Swedish leaders of note, and Mikhael is sort of happy with the result, really.
So, to make a long story short, though that is likely too late, the Swede gets really badly beaten and though he tries making separate peace with Mikhael several times, Mikhael will only agree when the Pole is in acceptance, for he is a true and good man. Finally, an offer arrives with which the Pole can agree, and Mikhael has Kexholm returned, and just a teeny weenie bit more of Finland. He promises all and sundry that one day, all of Finland will be Russian, but then, that's what victors are supposed to say, really.
So now that it is peace, and 1622, he says screw this inflation, and appoints governors all over the place, really, what with his new high-tech infrastructure, and then he begins a crash course of weapons improvement, seing as his armies are real pussies compared to the opposition.
And for many years Russia is at peace under Mikhael, the Restorer, and the flowers blossom and the realm flourishes and stuff like that. BOOOORING! So ol' Mikhael notices that the Ottomans, infidels from the south, you know, have recently acquired some real estate in Persia: Iraq, Kirkuk, and Azerbaijan, and Mikhael notices that, hey, that gives him a good opportunity for a nice aesthetically pleasing southern border, so he invades Persia and crush them utterly, despite the Persians being, as the military folks say, a CRT ahead and with superior morale. Sure, he may have lost some 70,000 peasants doing so, but peasants are in good supply: The breed like bunnies in peacetime, so no one is really hurt by it. That way ol' Mikhael gains Daghestan, Khiva, and Bukhara, and he has got a really nice Southern border.
Now, ol' Mikhael is getting
really old, so he wants to secure Russia peace for his son, Aleksey, so he grabs his Chief Minion for Foreign Affairs, and start making treaties. The first treaty, he makes with Poland.
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Treaty of Poltava
Primus, as Geography has always been the best guarantor of the stability of borders between sovereign nations with rivers and mountains being the natural peaceful dividers ordained by the Lord, and secundus, as the Tsar's gratitude for Polish support during the messy years of the Time of Troubles knows no bounds, and, tertius, as the Crown of the Commonwealth of Poland-Lithuania has wisely settled two border issues around Smolensk by peaceful means during the last decade,
The most imperious and terrible Tsar of Russia, Mikhael I Romanov, overlord of the Russians, the Ugrics, the Altai, the Georgians, and the Steppe Dummies, restorer of the true might of the Eastern Empire, shield of the faithful, humbler of Persia, after long deliberations with the Crown of the Commonwealth of Poland-Lithuania, proclaim the Treaty of Polatava, to be carried out immediately upon the signature of the two Crowns:
- That the Southern provinces of Poltava and Donesk be ceded from Russia to Poland-Lithuania, to be under the direct administration of the Crown of the Commonwealth of Poland-Lithuania in Perpetuity
- That the Baltic provinces of Estland and Livland, and the province of Welikia-over-the-river be ceded from Poland-Lithuania to Russia, to be personal fiefs of the Tsar of all the Russians in Perpetuity
- That the Northern Polish-Lithuanian province of Polotsk-over-the-river is recognized by the Crown of the Commonwealth of Poland-Lithuania and the Tsar of Russia as Polish-Lithuanian in perpetuity, and that it is granted special status as the entrypoint of Polish trade into Russia. To this end the Tsar of Russia will personally donate 100d to the Crown of Poland-Lithuania.
By his hand,
Tsar Mikhael I Romanov, the Restorer.
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The Tsar also tries to negotiate a peaceful settlement with Sweden, but nobody seems to be answering. He really hopes to see the Swedish-Russian border negotiated before his death, for one thing is sure, knowing Aleksey, Finland WILL be Russian within his lifetime, one way or the other. The details of the suggested treaty are as follows.
The Tsar offers 3,000d paid over five years for the rest of Finland, that is, the provinces of Nyland, Finland, and Österbotten, and an end to the enmity between the two nations. Peace will be assured once this basic principle is adhered to: Swedes in Sweden, Russians in Finland. It is the Tsar's hope that this gesture of reconciliation will avert a continuation of the bloodshed of decades past, and will allow Sweden to focus west, as is its destiny.
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Now, the good Tsar Mikhael I Romanov, founder of the Romanov dynasty, has good cause to be pissed with the speed of the Russian bureaucracy, but one thing is certain: When he orders something done, it is. Eventually. From various public sources, his servants have created the "Best of Friends" lists, showing national relations in 1622 and now in 1645. As he sits down and read them, he becomes convinced of one thing:
Best of Friends, 1622
Code:
[font=courier new][color=white]
[color=yellow][u]Country Best Friend! Nearly BF Very nearly BF [/u][/color]
[color=skyblue]Austria [/color]Spain +175 Portugal +85 Venice +10
[color=skyblue]Brandenburg [/color]France +175 England +59 Denmark +38
[color=skyblue]Denmark [/color]France +150 England +135 Netherlands +100
[color=skyblue]England [/color]Denmark +135 Sweden +125 Brandenburg +59
[color=skyblue]France [/color]Poland +196 Brandenburg +175 Denmark +150
[color=skyblue]Netherlands [/color]France +84 England +35 Sweden +24
[color=skyblue]Ottoman Empire [/color]Sweden -153 Spain -178 France -199
[color=skyblue]Poland [/color]Spain +198 France +196 Portugal +111
[color=skyblue]Portugal [/color]Austria +138 Poland +111 Venice +102
[color=skyblue]Russia [/color]Denmark -38 Poland -58 France -70
[color=skyblue]Spain [/color]Poland +198 Austria +175 Venice +174
[color=skyblue]Sweden [/color]England +125 Netherlands +24 Brandenburg -30
[color=skyblue]Venice [/color]Spain +174 France +125 Portugal +102
[/color][/font]
Best of Friends, 1645
Code:
[font=courier new][color=white]
[color=yellow][u]Country Best Friend! Nearly BF Very nearly BF [/u][/color]
[color=skyblue]Austria [/color]Portugal +197 Spain +180 France +64
[color=skyblue]Brandenburg [/color]France +176 England +94 Denmark +35
[color=skyblue]Denmark [/color]England +136 Netherlands +135 France +44
[color=skyblue]England [/color]Sweden +200 Denmark +136 Netherlands +125
[color=skyblue]France [/color]Brandenburg +196 Poland +175 Netherlands +107
[color=skyblue]Netherlands [/color]Denmark +135 England +125 France +107
[color=skyblue]Ottoman Empire [/color]Spain -172 Poland -193 N/A -200
[color=skyblue]Poland [/color]Spain +200 France +175 Portugal +35
[color=skyblue]Portugal [/color]Austria +197 France +99 Poland +35
[color=skyblue]Russia [/color]Denmark -23 Poland -178 N/A -200
[color=skyblue]Spain [/color]Poland +200 Austria +180 Venice +85
[color=skyblue]Sweden [/color]England +200 Netherlands +45 Denmark -28
[color=skyblue]Venice [/color]Spain +85 France -58 Poland -67
[/color][/font]
The Polish economic miracle of fortresses and manufactories all over the place has not, as Zygmunt III Wasa and Wladyslaw IV Wasa after him have been informing the Tsar several times, been fueled by the Polish economy minting coin to pay for expenses without outside assistance. Rather, Poland has been the most heavily subsidized country in existence, being subsidized in a major way by ALL major western powers, which leads to one inescapable conclusion:
The Polish kings have been lying through their teeth when talking with the Tsar.
But why would they do that,
unless they sought secret alliance abroad, that they preferred the Tsar to be ignorant of?
That is not what one would expect from one's allies, and as Tsar Mikhael thinks back to previous Polish reassurances of friendship, of support, of how the separate peace of 1612 was certainly not meant to harm Russia, of the Polish-Ottoman mutual military access and non-aggression pact, he cannot help but wonder:
If the Polish kings were willing to lie about such a small matter, when the Tsar inquired out of personal interest, how can they be trusted to have spoken truly on more important matters affecting Russia itself?
He shies from the answer that suggests itself. He is old, and set in his ways. It will be up to Aleksey to deal with Poland in the future and hear Wladyslaw's reassurances, and, if necessary, take the necessary steps, even until a sundering of the Polish alliance.
The Tsars of Russia will not accept being treated as fools by
anyone.
…
