Part XXI: A Chat with Cleese…errr…God
It was a dark and windy winter evening as the King’s and the pretender’s armies stared at each other across the valley. Each army faced each other down, man for man, waiting for the other to make its first move, and begin the fight that would bring the War of the Two Kings and the Queen and the Mercenary Company and Maybe the Union Federation of Communist Cats (Note: there were reports that the legendary and possibly fictional organization had laid siege to Camelot only to find the castle already sacked and infested with mice…or that might just be why they were in the castle…).
Finally the Pretender’s bugler blew his horn and the vanguard advanced. Battle was about to be underway. Inch by inch, foot by foot, yard by yard, the two lines approached, until they were in shouting distance, then speaking distance, and finally, in sword distance.
Thunder and lightning shook the valley as the two lines met, smiting both the King and the Pretender where they stood. The world shook as thunder roared for four full minutes, until finally the lightning subsided, and the valley began to sit in silence once more.
“EDDARD, EDDARD, KING OF THE BRITAINS,” a voice boomed from above, addressing Eddard, the only child of either the smitten King or Pretender (and thus the only one in existence with a claim to the throne). Two massive pillars straddled the valley, resting upon the tallest mountains in the land, pink as flesh.
Pink. Pink as flesh.
Massive pillars….no, not pillars.
Legs.
Everybody in the valley prostrated himself immediately, recognizing that he stood in the presence of the Lord God.
“OH, DON’T GROVEL, IF THERE’S ONE THING I CAN’T STAND, IT’S PEOPLE GROVELING….EDDARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING PISSING AROUND IN THIS VALLEY?”
Eddard looked down. “We were playing the Game of Thrones, my Lord.”
“WHAT?!?!”
The new King gulped. “We were fighting over the throne.”
“OH…(whispering to himself) got to get up to date on what these kids watch on TV…(back in normal voice)…RIGHT. AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?”
“I’m averting my eyes, Lord.”
“WELL DON’T DO THAT!” The King looked up at the heavens. “AND STOP LOOKING UP MY SKIRT!”
The King looked down again.
“RIGHT! EDDARD, KING OF THE BRITONS, YOUR KNIGHTS SHALL HAVE A TASK TO MAKE THEM AN EXAMPLE IN THESE DARK TIMES.”
“Oh, good idea, Lord.”
“OF COURSE IT’S A GOOD IDEA! I’M GOD, YOU STUPID TWIT!”
A soldier to Eddard’s right laughed. Lightning flashed. Suddenly there was no soldier on Eddard’s right.
The sky folded open, revealing an empty void. “EDDARD, THIS IS THE HOLY GRAIL. LOOK WELL, ARTHUR, FOR IT IS YOUR SACRED TASK TO SEEK THIS GRAIL. THAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, EDDARD: THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL.”
An Angel of the Lord played a trumpet in the background.
Then the Lord must have looked at the black void, and something must have supposed to have been there, for he screamed, “I SAID BEHOLD THE BLOODY HOLY GRAIL, YOU STUPID IDIOTS! YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST STAGE CREW IN EXISTENCE! YOU SHOULD ALL BE SENT DOWN TO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL FOR THE LOUSY JOB YOU’VE.” The Lord’s iPhone rings. “HOLD ON A SEC, I GOTTA TAKE THIS CALL, IT’S FROM THE AUTHOR….good evening, sir...oh…ah…budget cuts…ok…I see…yep, no problem…of course…for the benefit of the story…okay…sure…I’ll just show them on my phone I guess…ok…thank you…bye.” God scrolled through some links of Google Images before showing this on his massive phone:
“YESSIR, HERE YOU GO GUYS, HERE’S A PIC OF THE HOLY GRAIL.”
The King asked, “Lord, what shall we do – ”
“JUST FIND THE GRAIL, OK. AND GET ON WITH IT! THESE READAARS DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT!”
Lightning flashed, thunder roared, and suddenly the Lord was gone.
Eddard looked over the two armies that were once enemies. “God be praised, we have a quest!”
A soldier yelled. “TO FIND THE QUAIL!”
Eddard looked at him. “No, no. The Grail. The vessel used at the Last Supper.”
Robin the dead-collector looked at him blankly. “The Lord had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it some sort of dinner cruise.”
Eddard rolled his eyes. “No, a vessel is a cup.”
“You mean, God the all-knowing has misplaced a cup.”
The loud roar went up throughout the audience. “SILENCE!” the king yelled.
…
…
…
“Yes, silence.” A man in a tuxedo walked out of a door in a hollow tree that led to a control room underground. “From now on, silence.” Tuxedoman looked over the crowd of soldiers. “This AAR’s being canceled boys.”
“Cancelled?” the King gasped. Another roar went through the crowd, this time not from the soldiers, but from their actors, concerned that they weren’t going to get paid for the episodes not yet filmed.
Tuxedoman raised his hand, and again silence ripped through the crowd. “Yes, I’m afraid so. You see, advertisements have been low, and we’ve been holding us afloat by cutting corners, bringing back Robin and Lance’s actors to play guys with the same names since the actors and the names were still under contract, not having a beautiful giant floating Holy Grail to use in this scene…but it didn’t work. The only reason we let it get this far was because John Cleese demanded that we get in his voicework as the voice of God.”
“So why did the AAR fail miserably, Mr. Producer Man?” Lance asked.
Robin stepped forward. “I believe I know the answer, sir.”
Eddard asked, “Why?”
Robin looked at the producer and asked for one last song. He nodded, so four minstrels gathered around him.
“In any great adventure that you don’t want to lose, victory depends upon the people that you choose. So listen, for the next AAR, closely to this news –
You won’t succeed in AARland if you don’t have any JEWS.
You may have the most comments,
Fill the tale with Robb Stark’s pets,
You may have the finest Marshalls and best Spies.
You may read the AARlander, but I’m sorry author dear,
You’ll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of BOOS!
There may be
PELFs by the score whom the audience adore,
You may even do an Interactive Vicky 2;
You may write gameplay tales instead,
You may snack on unleavened bread,
But I tell you, you are dead if you don’t have any JEWS!
They won’t care if your
portrait’s pretty,
Or your writing’s witty,
They’ll simply say it’s s***ty and refuse!
Nobody will read, sir – if it’s not kosher, then no show sir!
Even WIngedLion14 won’t be dim enough to choose!
Put on tales that make men stare with pics of girls in underwear,
Your comments may be the finest of reviews!
But the ReadAARs will not care, sir, as long as you don’t dare, sir
To open up in AARland if you don’t have any JEWS!
The Big Blue Blob may come a-fighting,
You may do lots of horrid smiting,
You may even have some OPMs conquer the world.
Your charactAARs may be nice boys, but sadly we’re all goys,
And that continuity error in your AAR you must lose.
So despite your use of mods,
Or naughty girls painted on bombs,
And the most impressive images you use,
There may be
Carnage man v. man-o
You may bring on a piano,
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don’t have any JEWS!
[insert horrendous piano piece here, followed by the bottle dance, followed by a farmer walking by carrying…]
HAY!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI!”
You may fill your tales with gays, have Malian girls on councils,
You may even conquer EU4 with Ryuku!
You haven’t got a clue, if you don’t have a Jew
All the time invested you are going to lose!
There’s a very small percentile who enjoys the tales of Gentiles,
I’m sad to be the one who brings this news.
But nevermind your wordplay, you just won’t succeed in AARland,
You just won’t succeed in AARland if you don’t have any JEWS!
AUTHOR, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!??!?!?!?!
To get along in AARland, to write your tale in AARland, to hit the top in AARland and not lose, I tell you, Author, please, there is one essential thing:
There simply must be, oh, please trust me, there simply must be Jews!”
Robin looked at the producer expectantly.
“Well then,” the Producer said, “I guess we better see if Sons of Abraham is on sale yet…”
So, yes, unfortunately, this is it - I've sort of lost the will to write this, as I lost a lot of screenshots and I played the game so long ago I don't remember everything, and frankly I don't have the time to do this on a regular basis at the moment. Still, no matter what, I felt it deserved a proper send-off.
Thank you to all those who have been with me this whole time, both commenters and lurkers alike. I will be back in AARland, probably next month or so, once school settles down, writing a gameplay AAR probably. And one day, perhaps, you might see the Monty Python AAR return, when I've got more AAR experience under my belt.
Anyways, once again, thank you all so much!
