IN THE LIGHT OF CERTAIN, PAINLESS VICTORY: A HEARTS OF IRON 3 AAR
An Ethiopian ChaptAAR
1600 hours EAT, 10 January 1936, The Royal Imperial Palace of Light and Victory, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
Pictured: The Glorious Holy Ethiopian Royal Empire. Also, outlying lands occupied by other, less victorious, empires. Not for long, of course.
Tekle Harawiat stepped up to the doors leading into the Holy Royal Imperial Throne Room of Gloriously High Ceilings and a Thousand Windows, but paused before opening them. Beside him, the foreign minister of Ethiopia, Heruy Wolde Selassie, nodded in understanding. Both men stood silently before the magnificent archway, dreading the moment when they would walk through it.
Heruy was the first to speak. “I don’t look forward to these meetings any more than you do, Minister, but it will do us no good to delay the inevitable any longer.”
Tekle nodded sadly. “The Emperor has always been somewhat…unstable. But ever since the Italians attacked, he has been even madder than usual.”
Heruy certainly couldn’t disagree with this assessment. “Even so,” he added, “He is still the emperor, so we must answer his summons.” He tilted his head at the door to emphasize this point. Tekle shrugged his shoulders, knowing he could not argue with that, then reluctantly opened the gilded door and strode through the entryway.
“Tiki! Hero! It is so good to see you!” Emperor Haile Selassie’s voice boomed out from the other side of the Holy Imperial Royal Throne Room of Gloriously High Ceilings and a Thousand Windows. The Emperor rose from his throne and strode briskly across the room to greet his ministers, who in turn trudged towards the throne with notably less briskness. Heruy glanced back and forth, taking in the view through the many windows to take his mind off of matters for a moment. There were really only 468 windows in the room – he had counted to be sure. Of course, the Holy Imperial Royal Throne Room had originally been planned to have a full 1,000 windows, in the original design by Emperor Selassie (who had insisted on being the chief architect for the project). The Gloriously Omnipotent Emperor had, however, neglected to consider the extent of support structure necessary to support a Throne Room of Gloriously High Ceilings extending outward from a steep mountainside. As far as Heruy knew, the other 532 windows were still scattered about somewhere at the foot of Mount Entoto.
After an excessively long walk down the Blessed Red Carpet Stained With the Blood of Ten Thousand Heretic Foes, the three men met at last and Selassie gave Tekle a heartfelt hug. “Tiki, my friend, I have missed you!”
Tekle awkwardly tried to break off the embrace. “Your Holy Royal Imperialness, Sir, I’ve asked you not to call me that. With the utmost respect, of course.”
Selassie pulled back and looked at Tekle, concerned. “But it’s a wonderful name, Tiki. You need to own it!” The Holy Royal Emperor flashed a huge grin and two thumbs up at Tekle.
“It doesn’t make me feel wonderful, your Royal Imperial Highness, my Lord.” Tekle interjected softly, staring at the Blessed Red Carpet beneath his feet. “It makes me feel like, I don’t know, some cheap party favor people place in their gardens and light on fire to make people think they’re ‘exotic’.”
“Lit on fire? Yes!” Selassie exclaimed, “A glorious holy light on a mountain, shining for the whole world to see! Surely our inferiors in Europe are in awe of your luminosity, Tiki!” He nodded emphatically at this, quite pleased with himself.
Tekle sighed. He knew better than to try and press the issue. “Well, your Imperial Royal Holiness of Shining, let us get down to business. What matter of glory and, um, magnification brings us here today?” Tekle cringed inwardly, having run out of on-the-spot honorifics with which to complete his Glorious Sentence of Elucidation and Meta-Semantics.
Fortunately, Selassie had apparently not noticed this verbal stumble. “Glorious Gentlemen of Honorable Servility, I have decided in my Divine Wisdom of Glorious Hegemony that we should ally ourselves with the European faction soon to be known as the ‘Axis Powers’. It is a good name, no? Ominous, to herald the certain and painful doom of our heathen foes, yet also suitably grandiose for our highly exalted tastes – after all, what axis does the world rotate about if not the Glorious Holy Ethiopian Royal Empire?”
Tekle and Heruy glanced at each other, confused. Finally, Tekle spoke: “My Lord…of, uh, Great and Awesome Holistic Imperiousness, the
Who Powers??”
Selassie stopped making…whatever ridiculous-looking pose he had been trying to strike, and stared at Tekle. “The Axis Powers. You know…Germany, Japan, um…what’s-their-face…Italy!” A silly smile filled Selassie’s face, so pleased he was with himself for remembering
three things at once!
The faces of Tekle and Heruy, on the other hand, were instantly filled with shock and horror. “My Lord…” Tekle began shakily.
Selassie glared sharply at his First Minister. “Your
what now?!”
Tekle had forgotten his honorifics entirely! “My, uh, Haberdashed and Vast Lord of Hirsute Promiscuity,” he tried again, hoping that the important-sounding words would be enough to deter the Holy Royal Emperor’s wrath. A satisfied grin on Selassie’s face informed Tekle that this approach had been successful. “Are you certain it would be wise to ally ourselves with Italy?”
Selassie was taken aback by the question. “Of course, Tiki! After all, we have very similar philosophies of government. Of course, I realize that the Italians are quite inferior to our Glorious Royal Federation of Democratic Republican Abyssinians, but in my Holy Imperial Wisdom of the Divine King, I foresee them being of great use to us nevertheless.”
Tekle and Heruy shared another furtive glance. When the latter had first informed the Holy Imperial Sovereign of the Italian declaration of war, Selassie had immediately collapsed in a fainting fit. Since then, neither minister was certain whether their boss was in denial, or truly ignorant of reality. At any rate, only one response was possible at this point.
“Of course, my Somnambulant Supremacist Emperor of Redundant Ocular Oscillation,” Tekle bowed, fully committed to his deceptive abuse of the dictionary, “It shall be done as you have commanded.” Heruy bowed as well, and the two men practically scampered along the Blessed Red Carpet Stained With the Blood of Ten Thousand Heretic Foes, all too eager to take their leave of the Holy Royal Emperor of Insane Psychotic Breaks.
Once they were out of the Holy Royal Imperial Throne Room of Gloriously High Ceilings and a Thousand Windows, Heruy whispered to Tekle, “First Minister, what shall I do? Clearly, we cannot engage the Italians in diplomacy while they encroach upon our lands!”
Tekle thought for a moment before answering. “Start by going to the Germans. They are friendly towards the Italians, perhaps they can convince them to cease their aggressive actions in exchange for some favor or other.”
“It shall be done, First Minister.”
This actually happened. In-game, anyways.
Heruy saluted his superior, about to take his leave. “By the way, have you ever heard of this ‘Axis’ the Emperor speaks of?”
“Not even once, my friend.”
* * * * *
Notes
Emperor Haile Selassie I, formerly
Ras Tafari, is indeed the famous founding figure of Rastafarianism, but is only slightly less well-known as the Emperor of Abyssinia from 1930 through 1974, excepting a short vacation which happens to coincide with the time period of
Hearts of Iron. On one hand, he was noted for his internationalist views, multilateralism, and collective security promotion. However, also noted for his suppression of rebellions and failure to modernize Ethiopia quickly enough, in addition to a number of human rights criticisms. His portrayal in this AAR, of course, is inspired by his role as a Messianic figure in the Rastafarian religion, estimated to have as many as a million followers in the present day, and the likelihood that such a role just might, possibly, have gone to the man’s head.
Tekle Hawariat Tekle Mariyam (Bedjironde Tekle Hawariate in-game; I have no idea where “Bedjironde” comes from, so I blame Paradox as usual) is listed as the Head of Government, but seems to have served in various ministerial posts leading up to the game time frame with no clear “First Minister” role among them (although I’ve assumed this for the sake of gameplay and narrative). He is perhaps best-known as one of the principal authors of the 1931 Ethiopian Constitution, and thereafter served in numerous positions. In OTL, his personality and political conflicts with Haile Selassie were well-known, and thus most of his ministerial roles were abroad, including postings in London, Paris, and Geneva.
Heruy Wolde Selassie (“Herouy” in-game) served as Foreign Minister of Ethiopia during the 1930s, but is also well-known as an intellectual and an author, having published 28 books during his lifetime. He was a major advocate of close relations with Japan (the “Japanizer” school in Ethiopian intellectual thought), due to the similarities between the two countries. Needless to say, the Japanese support of the Italian invasion came as something of a shock.
For those who do not know: the "Axis", despite being represented in-game from the start, did not come into existence in OTL until, at the earliest, on 25 October 1936, with the informal "Rome-Berlin Axis" treaties between Italy and Germany. Hence why no one has heard of any "Axis" just yet!
* * * * *
This was originally supposed to be only a much shorter part of a single update…but your humble authAAR had a little too much fun at the Holy Royal Emperor of Verbosity and Insipidity’s expense. So, in the next update, we shall return to Ethiopia to see what other hijinks Haile Selassie has gotten his poor ministers into!
Never fear, of course, we shall return to Roosevelt and his inept Cabinet soon enough...
