PRIVATE EYE
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OCTOBER 1966 — NINEPENCE
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ARTICLE
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THE LABOUR LEADERSHIP PROCESS
The men gathered in the room. The smell of cheap whisky for the rank and file and imported 1920 Chardonnay for the party elites comingled with the smoke of home-rolled cigarettes and Honduran cigars. The lights, dimmed by the member from Manchester-Poorton who was paid a ten-piece to do so by one of the members from London, gave a sense of import to the ratty place. With the solemn chime of the clock, Deputy Leader Alex Morgan stood to address the gathering.
"Thank you for gathering here in the "Throbbing Rooster Pub" in the Docklands. Today, we choose a new leader for the Labour Party following Comrade Har's unfortunate accident involving a thesaurus and a stomach surgeon. Thus, by the rules laid down to us by the Comrades before us, we must democratically elect a new leader. I now open the floor to nominations."
The irrascible Steven Fartlick, former Shadow Chancellor of the Exchange, stood up. "Men, as the natur...", which was responded by a waves of boos and calls of "Traitor!" Fartlick though, never one to do what is polite, continued to stand and berate the Party until a luckily place ashtray silenced the twat.
Following the unfortunate incident, and after wearily looking around, Morgan stood himself. "Seeing as we have a need for new leadership, I humbly put myself as leader."
This was met with a wave of Ayes, except for the nearly conscious Fartlick, who only raised a vulgar finger.
Alex however narrowed his eyes. "Gentlemen, Gentlewomen, Comrades, this is a democracy. We can't just have this unanimous vote go national. We need some kind of competition."
The MP from Minersville-Green Valley rose his hand cautiously. "But sir, we were told to vote for you."
Alex gave a sigh. "I know, it's not about who wins. We all came here with the knowledge I would win. It's not about democracy, it's about the perception of such."
The MP blinked. Having only a third of an education before becoming a coal miner, he didn't understand words like perception. But he did as he was told. Raising his hand again, he talked again. "So you want us to have a real vote?"
Alex grew a little redfaced. "No, never. I just want someone to stand as a fake candidate and lose with grace."
The MP from Schoolless raised his hand. "You mean run with Grace Hardmock from Unionville?"
Alex stamped his foot. "No no no. You know what? Jim Horndog, you will run against me. Twenty five of you, and only twenty five, will vote for him. Everyone else vote for me."
The MP from Schoolless raised his hand again. "This seems needlessly complicated."
Alex laughed. "Naturally, this is the Labour Party." Which drew a great applause after the man behind Alex raised the applause sign indicating it was, in fact, a joke.
Thus came to pass the 1966 leadership election. Jim Horndog, sacrificial goat, lost the vote twenty five votes to everyone else. Alex Morgan, the MP for ... we don't actually know. We here at Private Eye assumes it's somewhere in England. Anyways, Alex Morgan becomes the new Leader of the Opposition in the tradition of the Labour Party.
