The reign of Maximillian's father, Frederik III, was seen by some historians of the last century as a Golden Age for Denmark.
Well,Frederik surely was a good ruler.Defeated the Spanish multiple times,PU'ed France,and made his country the Nr.1 Great Power.I think historians will fondly remember Frederik's reign as a golden era!
Although modern history is more sympathetic to to the plight of the common people under Frederik III, all historians, past and present, have come to see the reign of Maximillian the Bastard as a dark era. Ravaged by war and a mad, paranoid king, th...
Maximillian: Who the **** are you?
quicksabre: Uh.... I'm the narrator. I'm telling the history of Denmark... [looks around confused]. Wait, why do I have a name now?
Maximillian: You're doing a terrible job. My reign was the greatest Golden Age that Denmark has ever seen.
quicksabre: You see, given the wars, the human suffering, the paranoia, most historians consider....
Maximillian: Ha! They are all nasty and unfair. The wars were not my fault, but they were glorious wars anyway. We were surrounded by enemies and I fought them all.
quicksabre: But you made those enemies by antagonizing all of your neighbors and subjects!
Maximillian: LIES!! I'll have your HEAD! YOUR HEAD!!!
quicksabre: .......
Maximillian: GUARDS!!
Guard: Your Grace?
Maximillian: This man is sentenced to DEATH! Put his head on a stake!
Guard: ..... Who, your Grace?
Maximillian: HIM!
Guard: I.... There is no one there, your Grace.
Maximillian: Narrator!!
quicksabre: I am here.
Maximillian: Why can't I kill you!?
quicksabre: Killing doesn't solve everything. It's a lesson you never learned, sadly.
Maximillian: I will find a way.
quicksabre: I doubt that.
Maximillian: As always, you underestimate me. I am a clever king. I will show you what a glorious reign I had. You will be so sad you will jump out a window in shame for the lies you told about me.
quicksabre: I suppose a primary source cou......
Maximillian: Behold! My enemies, the Spanish. I know they are my enemies because it says so right here!
quicksabre: Well, actually, what that means is...
Maximillian: And the Polish! They surround my poor vassal Lithuania. They must be my enemies as well. I will take necessary precautions and declare them my rival.
quicksabre: ... *sigh* They wanted to be your friend.
Maximillian: And the French! They are my subjects but they are out to get me.
Maximillian: But they will not get away with it. Let no one ever say that those who oppose me do not get their just desserts.
quicksabre: The historian
@atwix thinks you should have spent your time focusing on trade rather than revenge.
Maximillian: It is probably the Catholics. Every Dane knows you cannot trust the Catholics. Therefore, Catholicism is banned in France. Also they will pay their fair share. Once they give me all of their money they will have nothing left with which to oppose me. It is a win-win solution to the French problem. This is what genius looks like.
quicksabre: Those policies in France are universally recognized as the main source of your problems there, not as a solution!
Maximillian: Why are the peasants so unhappy? Don't they know they live in the greatest kingdom in the world with the greatest leader ever known? They should be more grateful.
quicksabre: Maybe because of all the wars they've been forced to fight with their sons and fund with their labor?
Maximillian: But the English are even worse. So ungrateful. No matter. I will show them. London will know the wrath of Maximillian!
quicksabre: Oh, no....
Maximillian: I don't understand why people are so opposed to me. My rule is fair and just. All of my subjects say so. Everyone says so! Except the French, of course, the French are jerks.
Maximillian: I am so mighty, that even new subjects choose to serve me. The French are fools for resisting.
quicksabre: Well, yes, your dealings with your non-French subjects is widely seen as your greatest personal accomplishment during your reign. It's inspiring to see that you value those relationships as well.
Maximillian: But they are unimportant. What is truly important is that I am SURROUNDED by enemies. The only thing to do is beat them at their own game. Our spies will be the best in the world.
quicksabre: Hmm... not what I'd have done, but that might actually be useful if used right.
Maximillian: DEATH TO THE FRENCH!!!
quicksabre: Or not.
Maximillian: The Dutch are back in Vinland!? My grandmother should have taught them a stronger lesson.
Maximillian: I KNEW Poland was my enemy!
Maximillian: Poland is so dirty, it would be unacceptable to a dung beetle who had lost interest in its career and really let itself go. Hahahaha!
quicksabre: I'm not sure how helpful this explanation you're giving us is to history, honestly.
Maximillian: Et tu, Austria? Then fall House of Habsburg!
quicksabre: That isn't how that line goes. Also that is French. Also do you even know who wrote that?
Maximillian: The French!? Ha! I have showed them a lesson they will never forget. What could they possibly do next?
quicksabre: Next? Well, they could, um... I... Hey look over there it's a, um, a... a....
Maximillian: The FRENCH! THIS WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!!
quicksabre: ....
a squirrel?
quicksabre: Well, even if self-created, this will be a true test of your abilities in a crisis. What will you do?
Maximillian: We are sure to triumph. Our name is larger and more numerous than that of our foe, who shall no longer be named.
quicksabre: Maybe not the best first priority, but sure.
Maximillian: Furthermore, how can the French hope to win with a dynasty as silly as "de Penthierve"
quicksabre: The Dane was too mad so they picked a Britton
Maximillian: **** right I'm mad!
Maximillian: First we will secure the seas, as Danes always have.
Maximillian: .....
quicksabre: Ouch.
Maximillian: No matter, our mighty soldiers will carry us to victory in France
quicksabre: Good start. Do you care that the French are invading Denmark? And that you can't stop them anymore because even Poland has a bigger fleet than you?
Maximillian: The Realm of Cheese will always do the cowardly thing, but Denmark never will. We will win the war quickly and decisively on their soil. We have already them and their despicable Habsburg lackeys in decisive battle near Paris.
Maximillian: I eagerly await news of our glorious victory and France's imminent surrender.
Maximillian: *Twitch*
quicksabre: A phyrric victory for them at least.
Maximillian: Tell me, Mr. Narrator - this will not be a quick war, will it?
quicksabre: No, I am afraid not.
Maximillian: *Deep Breath* Very well. Then we must prepare to defend our realm, press onward until the despicable allies of the RTSNBN are tired of their fight and we have a chance to drive a wedge through the alliance.
quicksabre: That is wise. You could also consider simply letting the French go, if you hate them so much?.
Maximillian: WHAT!!?? TREASON! Get out of my sight! You are as bad as they are!
First we will slip General Skram's army back across the Channel to crush the isolated French forces trying to seize London.
Maximillian: And we will send an army to the East to fight off the Poles.
Maximillian: Well it WOULD have worked had our general not taken an arrow the moment the battle started!
Maximillian: But regardless, we press on. We will assemble the Lords of the realm and have them provide us with necessary manpower to continue to prosecute the war.
Maximillian: Under new leadership, the army of the East will return to Denmark in coordination with the vanguard of our newly constructed fleet to destroy the Austrian army besieging Copenhagen. No enemy Lord will dine in MY palace.
Maximillian: Hire mercenaries and drive back into Jutland! Reform the fleet!
quicksabre: Wow, that was some decent governance for a change. Well done keeping your head and defending your realm.
Have you thought much about the impact this war is having on your subjects?
Maximillian: They are merely crying. We will fight until the last breath of the Wine Realm has been spent.
Maximillian: The war is ours!! WE WILL DESTROY THEM ALL!!
quicksabre: You know what? I should probably go and let you do your thing.
Maximillian: Victory on all fronts!!!
Maximillian: Marshall!!
Magnus Holstein, Marshal of Denmark: Your Grace!
Maximillian: Pursue them until you catch them or they collapse from exhaustion. Then dispose of them. Without mercy.
Holstein: Your Grace! We have not yet won. The French are regrouping, the English are rebelling, and we are out of recruits for our armies!
Maximillian: Never say the name of our enemy in my Royal Presence. They deserve no acknowledgement in their defeat.
Holstein: I.... Yes, your grace. It will be done.
Maximillian: Recruit every man woman, and child into the army! No one is too young, too old, or too feeble to fight for my glory!!
Holstein: Your Grace, we have standards for recruitment.
Maximillian: Are you suggesting some Danes are not brave enough to fight?
Holstein: No, Your Grace.
Maximillian: Did I stutter?
Holstein: Never, Your Grace.
Maximillian: Then get it done or I will have you join the French after you catch them.
Holstein: Yes, Your Grace.
Holstein: Your Grace! Admiral Lingby was forced to withdraw our ships from the Battle of Jutland, but our fleet has sunk the main French battle line. We control the seas once more!
Maximillian: Did you authorize this retreat?
Holstein: Your Grace, we were surrounded and demoralized, with our objective to sink the main French battle fleet fulfilled! Further fighting would have reversed all of the gains our brave sailors had made in the fight! We would have lost more ships!
Maximillian: Are you a tree that you value wood more than victory?!
Holstein: I... no, Your Grace, but victory will not be had for years! We need our fleet intact, and now that we have sunk so many French ships!
Maximillian: Do you not believe in victory!? I have said victory is at hand and yet you do not believe me!? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR, MARSHAL?
Holstein: I, no, Your Grace, you said yourself only months ago that....
Maximillian: *Draws sword*
Holstein: Wait what are you doing Maximilian leave the sword down wait don't kill me
Maximillian: I'm sorry talking tree, I must fell you, I'm so sorry.
Holstein: NOOO! *dies*
Sophie Hvide, Queen Consort of Denmark: What have you done!?
Maximillian: There is no room in this court for cowards and pessimists.
Sophie: He was in charge of prosecuting the war!
Maximillian: I will lead the war myself.
Sophie: You cannot keep making enemies or it will be the end of us!
Maximillian: I keep you safe from our enemies!! I deserve gratitude.
Sophie: You have made every enemy we face. And our kingdom is collapsing because of it. You want to talk about what we deserve, we all deserve a better than you!
Maximillian: SILENCE! Know your place, woman! I rule Denmark, not you!
Maximillian: *smack*
Sophie: *falls*
Neils de Valois, Heir Apparent of Denmark: Mother! *moves to intervene*
Maximillian: Away, Boy! This is not your business!
quicksabre: Ahem. The rest of this scene will not be shown. The outcome is the same, unfortunately, and the Neils Curse continues.
Sophie: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!??
Maximillian: Guards, take her away and keep her away from me!
Guard: *escorts Sophie into house arrest.*
Karl Eka, Steward of Denmark: Your Grace, your heir... The Kingdom cannot afford to the uncertainty of lacking an heir right now.
Maximillian: I have another son. Use him.
Eka: The Bastard, Your Grace? Are you sure that is wise?
Maximillian: Do you suggest Bastards are unfit to rule Denmark?
Eka: *Looks around at bodies* *gulp*. No, Your Grace.
Maximillian: Good. Then make it so.
Eka: Yes, your Grace. *leaves*
Oluf Lunge, Chief Ambassador of Denmark: *enters* Your Grace! We have offers of Peace!
Maximillian: The Kingdom of Cowards has agreed to make peace?
Lunge: Oh, well, yes, Your Grace, but the offer was so bad I rejected it out of hand.
Maximillian: Then why do you disturb the Royal Mind?
Lunge: It's the Austrians Your Grace. They have agreed to go home and cease their support of French Independence.
Maximillian: Let the cowards run. This does not absolve them of their crimes against me, however.
Lunge: As you say, Your Grace.
Messenger: Your Grace, a message from General Sehested. He has driven the Polish out of Finland and Estonia and is pushing into Lithuania.
Maximillian: Who are you?
Messenger: Messenger from general Sehested, Your Grace.
Maximillian: You sound funny. Are you English?
Messenger: No, Your Grace, Frisian.
Maximillian: You sound English. Are you sure?
Messenger: Yes, Your Grace.
Maximillian: Catholic?
Messenger: No, Your Grace, Reformed.
Maximillian: Good. Tell General Sehested to advance faster. We destroy Poland and force them to suffer for their crimes.
Messenger: Your Grace, General Sahested suggests that if General Moltke's army in France moved to Danzig, we could quickly seize the fort there and that would open the road to Warsaw. Besieging the Polish capital would surely encourage the Poles to renounce their support of the Fr.... RTMNBN.
Maximillian: Preposterous! General Sahested should be able to take care of the vile Poles on his own.
Messenger: I....
Maximillian: PUNISH THEM.
Messenger: I... Your Grace, if I may?
Maximillian: *glares* I had better not hear anything cowardly out of you.
Messenger: Of course not, your Grace. I am your most loyal subject, and, while I would not dare suggest that my bravery comes anywhere close to the example set by your Most Noble person, I like to believe that I am a brave servant of Denmark.
Maximillian: Good.
Messenger: What I meant to say, of course, is that General Sehested's forces are pressing into Novgorod, Estonia, and Lithuania. The Polish offer token resistance for the sake of their honor, but obviously they will not defeat us.
Maximillian: As it should be.
Messenger: But even more humiliating, would be to lose their capital without a fight. Without being able to defend it.
Maximillian: Perhaps.
Messenger: All the Polish armies are currently facing General Sehested. There are none in their capital.
Maximillian: Hmmm.... The Poles do deserve the worst we can give them.
Messenger: Your Grace is most wise.
Maximillian: I think seizing their capital without resistance would be a fitting punishment, don't you?
Messenger: The insights offered by Your Grace boggle this simple mind.
Maximillian: Indeed. I know! We will have General Moltke redeploy from the Low Countries to Western Poland. He will seize the fort of Danzig and then march to Warsaw without resistance!
Messenger: A truly cunning plan, your grace.
Maximillian: Indeed. You are truly blessed to have me as your King. Inform General Sehested of my plan. Dismissed!
[one year later]
Lunge: Your Grace! Warsaw has fallen! Poland has renounced their support of Fr... the RTMNBN. We are at peace with the Poles!
Maximillian: Excellent! My plan has worked perfectly. What terms have you extracted from the treacherous Poles.
Lunge: Besides renouncing their support of the Fr... RTMNBN?
Maximillian: Yes of course. How have they been punished? How much gold did you extract from them in apology?
Lunge: Gold, your grace?
Maximillian: Are you deaf man!
Lunge: No, Your Grace. We.... er.... we forced them to give us so much gold. More gold than anyone has seen before!
Maximillian: Excellent! Where is it?
Lunge: I, er... we... um.
Eka: I have it Your Grace! It is being used to pay the army and navy.
Lunge: Yes! Yes we have taken care of it. Nothing to worry about, Your Grace. Ahem.
Eka: Exactly! Nothing to worry about.
Maximillian: Good man! I will make an announcement about how much gold Poland paid us for their betrayal. The world will tremble! *exits*
Eka: *exhale*
Lunge: Oh dear god.....
Eka: Since I saved your butt, you have to tell him our forces have been driven from France and that there are more rebels in England. And that the French have invaded Scotland.
Lunge: Your Grace! Fran.... the RTMNBN is willing to sue for peace acknowledging you as King!
Maximillian: They want me to PAY them? They should pay ME for the privilege of my enlightened rule! Reject it!
Lunge: But Your Grace! Our realm is exhausted! Our subjects no longer want to fight, and people are resisting recruitment.
Maximillian: Bah! I need soldiers, not whiners! DO AS I SAY OR I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD AND YOUR FAMILY'S HEADS!
Lunge: Yes, Your Grace. *Leaves to find Eka*
Eka: There you are, Lord Ambassador. How goes the war?
Lunge: General Moltke has driven the French back from London, but they still hold all of Ireland and Scotland, while the English rebels hold all of the midlands.
Lunge: Admiral Lingby has completely destroyed the French fleet and is supporting General Sehested in his liberation of the Low Countries.
Lunge: We have finally achieved superiority in the war, but it is still a long way from a favorable resolution. Certainly if we define 'favorable' as more punishing to France than status quo ante bellum, which the King certainly does.
Lunge: The French are also facing serious internal problems. Unfortunately many of those problems are local separatist movements. It is likely that if we protract the war for too long, even if we win we will find that France is greatly reduced in size at the end of it.
Lunge: What is the situation internally?
Eka: The situation is grave, the realm is beginning to tear itself apart from the inside. Not just the French separatists and English 'patriots' but from within Denmark itself. I must inform the King.
Lunge: My Lord Steward, I would advise against it. He is in one of his 'moods' I'm afraid.
Eka: Then we should not discuss it with him, I suppose, it will only be counterproductive. We cannot afford to tiptoe around him and trick him into doing the right thing as the country pulls itself apart. I was speaking with the Queen Consort while traveling to oversee grain distributions in Holstein. She is quite perceptive and persuasive. Perhaps she could be a capable proxy for the King. *serious look*
Lunge: A proxy you say? Such a thing would be most helpful to the realm in these times.
Eka: Indeed. Do you think such a thing could be arranged?
Lunge: My Lord Steward, what you suggest will go very badly. If you were to fail, you know the consequences as well as I. If you were to succeed... The heir is very young, and he is not her child.
Eka: I understand. But can the realm wait for Erik to come of age? Survive 12 more years of this?
Lunge: Perhaps not. We should retire and discuss further. *Exit together*
*Flashback Goes Dark*
quicksabre: Oh! Is that it? Ahem. Well then, I'll carry on.
In January and February, 1636, Lunge and Eka built a small conspiracy to overthrow the crown. They recruited the Queen's family in Holstein and readied her to take over as regent. Using the Hvides' personal guard, brought into Copenhagen for this purpose under pretext of escorting their master on a social call, the two councilors secured the council chamber during a meeting with the king, and, in imitation of the toppling of Caesar, stabbed him to death personally. The conspiracy was kept as small as possible to avoid tipping off Maximillian's spies. The Queen Consort, now Queen Regent, took charge immediately, quickly abandoning her house arrest and moving to Copenhagen, bringing a retinue of veteran soldiers with her into the city.
It has been a tumultuous few decades for Denmark. How will Queen Regent Sofie lead the Kingdom forward?
[Note, since I promised to admit to anything that can't be done in an ironman game: I had to tag swap to get the Austrians and Polish to support French independence. I just couldn't imagine the European powers would allow the union to persist without a fight, especially if France was being held against its will. Spain probably should have joined up as well, but we had a truce when the war broke out. And then I definitely would have lost, which wouldn't necessarily have been a bad thing. Also, to the next poster, feel free to describe Sophie's opinion of her dead husband's bastard son for whom she is acting as 'regent'. This isn't CK II, so I will probably have to use more console commands to make things make sense, but I suspect Denmark is not quite out of the woods yet.]