Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)
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Of bastards and black magic.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1088 - 1089
I'm Valdemar Knýtling, son of Knud. I'm not as funny as he was and my adventures are tales of conquest, triumph, and sex.
I'm a devious, shifty-looking bastard, aren't I?
Considering I was the former spymaster, this gentleman has a point. I appoint him to my former job immediately.
Oh. He's my wife.
This is the turd who took over Rügen when Knud inconveniently died.
I'm worried about what might happen with him being my vassal while I'm still a count.
I do not tolerate sin in my court, but I do try to be fair.
Very fair.
I hope my failure to become duke of Skåne and my ability to sire hordes of bastards doesn't meant I'm following in Knud's footsteps.
I do hope my hideous cow of a wife doesn't mean I'm following in Knud's footsteps.
Maybe she's really Dal of Helena, a strapping Swede in a dress.
Now that I have a vassal, I'm changing the laws to something more useful.
Knud sent all his problems to church. I send mine to England.
That man has a very suspicious haircut. So. . . Prybyzslawian.
So many legitimate daughters. So few legitimate sons. Time to make sure I don't lose it all.
Now then. Where to find 100 ducats. . .
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1088 - 1089
I'm Valdemar Knýtling, son of Knud. I'm not as funny as he was and my adventures are tales of conquest, triumph, and sex.
I'm a devious, shifty-looking bastard, aren't I?
Considering I was the former spymaster, this gentleman has a point. I appoint him to my former job immediately.
Oh. He's my wife.
This is the turd who took over Rügen when Knud inconveniently died.
I'm worried about what might happen with him being my vassal while I'm still a count.
I do not tolerate sin in my court, but I do try to be fair.
Very fair.
I hope my failure to become duke of Skåne and my ability to sire hordes of bastards doesn't meant I'm following in Knud's footsteps.
I do hope my hideous cow of a wife doesn't mean I'm following in Knud's footsteps.
Maybe she's really Dal of Helena, a strapping Swede in a dress.
Now that I have a vassal, I'm changing the laws to something more useful.
Knud sent all his problems to church. I send mine to England.
That man has a very suspicious haircut. So. . . Prybyzslawian.
So many legitimate daughters. So few legitimate sons. Time to make sure I don't lose it all.
Now then. Where to find 100 ducats. . .
Can Valdemar avoid a fate worse than Knud? Will he become duke of Skåne, or will glory slip through his slimy fingers? And what will become of his mannish wife? Don't go away, true believer, as Valdemar takes his first step on the path to greatness!
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Good to see you back in business.I see you changed your humor,thats very refreshing.Through I admit I liked more the Knuds habit of sending his problems to church than sending them to England.Poor kids...
And so begings the adventures of Valdemar, bastard son of Knud the bastard and the father of bastards. 
The duke of Skåne.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1089 - 1091
I finally restore my finances. Knud must've spent the entire treasury.
As you can see, Christendom in the east has been destroyed by pagan Cumans and Muslim Turks.
This Benedikt guy pisses me off since he won't give me Rügen.
I find him fathering bastards to be very suspicious.
Apparently, so does everyone else.
Wait a minute . . . that's my bastard. Aren't all Knýtling bastards supposed to be named Torben?
I think I saw a law like that somewhere.
Such a depressed little bastard. Such a creepy picture.
His problem is drugs, not his father's infidelity. It's like he's tripping on acid.
Hardeknut. Man, that name never gets old. Well, it's off to the army with this one.
. . . why is everyone staring at me? Where did you expect me to send him?
For some reason, Prince Knud had a lot of priests around here.
I'm pretty sure this is Torben, his illegitimate son. Well, screw the bastard.
Damn!
I marry Malmfrid to a nun named Helge.
. . . what? Oh. Oh. My goodness.
Malmfrid Stensëxkitten. Rawr.
100 ducats well-spent, I should say! I think I'll celebrate by knocking up Malmfrid.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1089 - 1091
I finally restore my finances. Knud must've spent the entire treasury.
As you can see, Christendom in the east has been destroyed by pagan Cumans and Muslim Turks.
This Benedikt guy pisses me off since he won't give me Rügen.
I find him fathering bastards to be very suspicious.
Apparently, so does everyone else.
Wait a minute . . . that's my bastard. Aren't all Knýtling bastards supposed to be named Torben?
I think I saw a law like that somewhere.
Such a depressed little bastard. Such a creepy picture.
His problem is drugs, not his father's infidelity. It's like he's tripping on acid.
Hardeknut. Man, that name never gets old. Well, it's off to the army with this one.
. . . why is everyone staring at me? Where did you expect me to send him?
For some reason, Prince Knud had a lot of priests around here.
I'm pretty sure this is Torben, his illegitimate son. Well, screw the bastard.
Damn!
I marry Malmfrid to a nun named Helge.
. . . what? Oh. Oh. My goodness.
Malmfrid Stensëxkitten. Rawr.
100 ducats well-spent, I should say! I think I'll celebrate by knocking up Malmfrid.
All hail Valdemar, duke of Skåne! But what will he do with his new-found power? Will Valdemar prevail or will he fall? Watch in amazement as the thrilling and disturbing antics of Valdemar Knýtling continue!
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A military bastard? Unheard of!
Atleast your vassals will love you with Stensëxkitten as channchelor. All one of them.
Atleast your vassals will love you with Stensëxkitten as channchelor. All one of them.
The pagan wars.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1091 - 1092
That moron Benedikt goes to war.
This is the first test of my power as duke of Skåne.
Getting rid of Benedikt, that is. Conquering pagans is my second test. . .
The pagan lands are cut in half by the king, but my men get to Sambia first.
o/~ É ela menina que vem e que passa nun doce balanço, caminho do mar. . .o/~
Then they get to fight.
My son, Mikkel Knýtling. When he grows up, I'll give him a black horse named 'Kitt'.
The kingdom of Denmark. By now, I've managed to get Benedikt to give me Rügen.
What good is conquering pagan lands if you can't persecute them for their beliefs?
Although, I did learn a pagan trick or two I'd like to try out with Malmfrid sometime. Rawr!
Vetseke of Memel is conquering parts of Sweden that border my realm.
Finally - an enemy with a decent haircut.
Sweden must be "saved".
I lead an army to "liberate" Västergötland from the pagans.
It doesn't take much to make the pope happy these days, does it?
With Västergötland "liberated", I march off to plain old Gotland.
I'm taking the fight to the enemy.
Meanwhile, some bastard kills himself. Problem solved.
It's a shame, really. He was such a snappy dresser.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1091 - 1092
That moron Benedikt goes to war.
This is the first test of my power as duke of Skåne.
Getting rid of Benedikt, that is. Conquering pagans is my second test. . .
The pagan lands are cut in half by the king, but my men get to Sambia first.
o/~ É ela menina que vem e que passa nun doce balanço, caminho do mar. . .o/~
Then they get to fight.
My son, Mikkel Knýtling. When he grows up, I'll give him a black horse named 'Kitt'.
The kingdom of Denmark. By now, I've managed to get Benedikt to give me Rügen.
What good is conquering pagan lands if you can't persecute them for their beliefs?
Although, I did learn a pagan trick or two I'd like to try out with Malmfrid sometime. Rawr!
Vetseke of Memel is conquering parts of Sweden that border my realm.
Finally - an enemy with a decent haircut.
Sweden must be "saved".
I lead an army to "liberate" Västergötland from the pagans.
It doesn't take much to make the pope happy these days, does it?
With Västergötland "liberated", I march off to plain old Gotland.
I'm taking the fight to the enemy.
Meanwhile, some bastard kills himself. Problem solved.
It's a shame, really. He was such a snappy dresser.
Valdemar has conquered, but can he hold it together? Will the armies of Skåne prevail against the island fortress of Gotland? How long can Valdemar despise bastards and mercilessly slaughter people whose lack of faith in God rivals his own? The only way you can know, dear reader, is to read what comes next!
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Ahh well, plenty of bastards called Torben left, if I remember correctly. Valdemar looks a paragon of virtue when compared - well, almost a paragon of virtue
Nnnngggggg.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1092 - 1094
I already spent dozens of ducats to ship these guys across the sea, but I have to take a detour to kill some pagans first.
. . . is that my neck? Look at those lines. Christ, I'm not even thirty yet.
I really need to try to relax a bit.
With the enemy routed, we spend the money again. And sail for Gotland. Again.
Nnnnggggg.
Considering how much in debt I've become, this offer is pathetically tempting.
The last pagans are driven across the Baltic sea. Now. . . how to celebrate. . .
I install Helge as bishop of Sambia, which conveniently leaves Malmfrid alone here.
Rawr.
Hmm, it occurs to me that all this warmongering and sex has made my tale less amusing.
Problem solved.
A look at the wider world.
As you can see, Poland has been crushed by the Cuman pagans and is now two small duchies opposed to one another.
In further news, I'm 200 ducats in debt. I hope that doesn't start to get to me.
Nnnnnggggg.
Yeah, a bishop. Because spending money on yet another priest is sure to pay down my debt.
Listen, pope - I kill some pagans, you leave me alone. That's the deal.
I install Sigfred, the guy who would've inherited if Knud hadn't recognized me as legitimate, as count of Rügen.
I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1092 - 1094
I already spent dozens of ducats to ship these guys across the sea, but I have to take a detour to kill some pagans first.
. . . is that my neck? Look at those lines. Christ, I'm not even thirty yet.
I really need to try to relax a bit.
With the enemy routed, we spend the money again. And sail for Gotland. Again.
Nnnnggggg.
Considering how much in debt I've become, this offer is pathetically tempting.
The last pagans are driven across the Baltic sea. Now. . . how to celebrate. . .
I install Helge as bishop of Sambia, which conveniently leaves Malmfrid alone here.
Rawr.
Hmm, it occurs to me that all this warmongering and sex has made my tale less amusing.
Problem solved.
A look at the wider world.
As you can see, Poland has been crushed by the Cuman pagans and is now two small duchies opposed to one another.
In further news, I'm 200 ducats in debt. I hope that doesn't start to get to me.
Nnnnnggggg.
Yeah, a bishop. Because spending money on yet another priest is sure to pay down my debt.
Listen, pope - I kill some pagans, you leave me alone. That's the deal.
I install Sigfred, the guy who would've inherited if Knud hadn't recognized me as legitimate, as count of Rügen.
I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
With the pagans defeated, what will Valdemar do next? Can his realm ever prosper financially? Will he always be so ill-tempered? Will his story ever be funny? Tune in next time and see Valdemar at his most devious yet in Valdemar Knýtling and the Tale of the Heretic King!
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Nah - he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he became too financially stable. The black is for cowards - be in the red!
Looks like you are soon strong enough to take on the king on your own. If you only had a claim.
And a legimate son? What's up with that?
And a legimate son? What's up with that?
GrimPagan said:
Valdemar's loyalty to the king - against whom he does have a claim, since he's the son of a prince of Denmark - will be determined next update.
This story of the "less prestigious" family members of the Danish court must be one of the most peculiar CK AARs I've managed to read.
It was due time for an AAR that really makes you hold your sides while reading.
The laconic presentation sets it apart from the rest and definitely has an addictive quality to it.
Excellent entertainment altogether, keep up the good work.
It was due time for an AAR that really makes you hold your sides while reading.
The laconic presentation sets it apart from the rest and definitely has an addictive quality to it.
Excellent entertainment altogether, keep up the good work.
I want your civil war.
The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1094 - 1098
There's no reason to betray the king when there's still plenty of pagans and Swedes to beat up.
It has been six years, but I am once again in the black. Time to spend my hard-earned wealth.
I randomly pick one of the three Gotlands (they come in west, east, and original flavors) and make myself duke of it.
Dorothea. I had to try three dozen different men before I found someone to marry her.
Other than her eventual suitor being a willing local, I'd say she's definately one of Knud's children.
Dorpat, my ass. Estrid is too fine a stewardess to be married to this Irishman.
My king is at war with this girl. Roughing up children and taking their land must be in the Knýtlings' blood.
On the backs of toddlers, we will build an empire.
Here's the realm of Denmark. The important thing to see is that southern Sweden is in revolt.
They have mixed feelings about joining my realm.
I wonder why.
Finnveden. For some reason, I feel a sense of doom when contemplating this land.
The impossible Dorothea is wife to the count. Perhaps she can be of some use to me. . .
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1094 - 1098
There's no reason to betray the king when there's still plenty of pagans and Swedes to beat up.
It has been six years, but I am once again in the black. Time to spend my hard-earned wealth.
I randomly pick one of the three Gotlands (they come in west, east, and original flavors) and make myself duke of it.
Dorothea. I had to try three dozen different men before I found someone to marry her.
Other than her eventual suitor being a willing local, I'd say she's definately one of Knud's children.
Dorpat, my ass. Estrid is too fine a stewardess to be married to this Irishman.
My king is at war with this girl. Roughing up children and taking their land must be in the Knýtlings' blood.
On the backs of toddlers, we will build an empire.
Here's the realm of Denmark. The important thing to see is that southern Sweden is in revolt.
They have mixed feelings about joining my realm.
I wonder why.
Finnveden. For some reason, I feel a sense of doom when contemplating this land.
The impossible Dorothea is wife to the count. Perhaps she can be of some use to me. . .
He has money. He has power. He has land. . . and more of all three than ever before. Could it be that Valdemar's scheming is bearing fruit? Can one man build an empire out of nothing more than his hatred of pagans and Swedes? The answer will be revealed in the next episode of the adventures of Valdemar Knýtling!
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