Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)
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Clearly I should have admitted to my unsophisticated sense of humour earlier.robou said:
Bohdan must be from the inbred side of the Knytling clan. Not the HAWT side like Queen Judith.
That one has been circulating in my mind since I started reading about Valdemar...phargle said:
More sophisticated comedy for the horse-lover!
The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1430 - 1432
Bohdan offers to stop calling himself Queen of Aragon in return for peace, but I hardly think that's fair.
Quite the opposite, in fact; he may call himself Queen of Aragon as long as he likes!
And I will get a fat prize of prestige for my benevolence!
I said: And I will get a fat prize of prestige for my benevolence!
Well, poo! It didn't work! Why didn't it work? I'm so depressed.
Fortunately, Valdemar's history books have some ideas on how to cure depression.
"I'd like to. . . uh. . . jedrzej his dalarna?"
I don't even know what that means, but it doesn't sound good for the man's dalarna.
"I'd like to meissen his ives?"
Ick.
If anybody meissens in my ives, I'm going to be very cross.
A hundred and thirty seven vassals and eight hundred thousand men, but not one for Queen Judith.
I am so depressed.
We discover a Greek poem. Not like I care. Because. . .
Wait a moment. Did someone say Greek?
If there's one thing that always cheered up Valdemar, it was excommunicating the pants off people!
I feel happier already!
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1430 - 1432
Bohdan offers to stop calling himself Queen of Aragon in return for peace, but I hardly think that's fair.
Quite the opposite, in fact; he may call himself Queen of Aragon as long as he likes!
And I will get a fat prize of prestige for my benevolence!
I said: And I will get a fat prize of prestige for my benevolence!
Well, poo! It didn't work! Why didn't it work? I'm so depressed.
Fortunately, Valdemar's history books have some ideas on how to cure depression.
"I'd like to. . . uh. . . jedrzej his dalarna?"
I don't even know what that means, but it doesn't sound good for the man's dalarna.
"I'd like to meissen his ives?"
Ick.
If anybody meissens in my ives, I'm going to be very cross.
A hundred and thirty seven vassals and eight hundred thousand men, but not one for Queen Judith.
I am so depressed.
We discover a Greek poem. Not like I care. Because. . .
Wait a moment. Did someone say Greek?
If there's one thing that always cheered up Valdemar, it was excommunicating the pants off people!
I feel happier already!
An amazing thing happens to Judith when next we cross her path. An amazing thing involving vassals. Lots and lots of vassals. And also the pope. And also Bergslagen. And Thuringia. It's not that amazing, but it's all I've got to pimp the next update, so pretend to be amazed as the adventures of Judith Knýtling continue!
Feedback! Sweet, sweet feedback.
Snugglie, since you started reading Valdemar, or since you started reading about him? One hopes you read the original yourself. In fact, part of the writing shift in Judith's story is due to me going back and reading the originals and realizing how much simpler the comedy was then. I'm trying to get back to that. Also, I wanted Judith to be a resoundingly successful monarch; it also happened that king after king just fell into her lap.
Bingo Brett, let's be realistic: even Judith is from the inbred side of the Knýtling clan. The jello-wrestling side to be sure, but also the inbred side. It's how she can be hawt and inbred at the same time.
El Pip, no, no, maybe the humor is just nuanced and highbrow. We're all sophisticants here.
robou, I think an earlier reader from a year ago proposed a motto that was similarly awesome, but I like this one better. As for Bohdan, he looks a lot like Bretislav, so I think he's Bretislav's brother or son.
General Jac, I hesitate to ask, but PILF? And Judith is a benevolence queen! She's modest, and temperate, and generous, and has a bunch of other traits generally unfound in Knýtlings. Including a trait or two generally unfound in Knýtling women.
4th Dimension, how is Szczepan pronounced?
EvilSanta, I don't know if you mistakenly entered an erotic novel. I suspect a choose-your-own-adventure erotic Judith novel would have a reader or two, though. And as for the end of the Knýtlings. . . well, we're getting close. Judith's story may conclude today. Or tomorrow. You'll never know.
Sekenr, I <3 that poem and have used it for a Knýtling already. I just finished memorizing it today.
- - - - -
And yes, we're nearing the conclusion of Judith's story. After that, the adventures of Jirí (King George? King Jørgen?) begin, and they're going to be quite entertaining. And then we're really near the end. Can you feel it?
If any of you are lurking out there, please feel free to join us as we ride this AAR to its conclusion, even if it's just to say that you're here and you're having a good time. The time during which you can post and say you were here will soon be passed.
And my dearest thanks for those who are voting for the Knud saga in the AARland Choice Awards! Because of y'all, the Knuds are very close to winning favorite comedy. If you want to vote for the best, most hilarious, most well-written comedy AAR, then please cast your vote for Lordling! Otherwise, vote for me, because I want to win this round! With just a few more votes, it will all soon be over for that vile blackmailer, MechTheDane! And I'll be able to finally show my face around that jerk canonized! He'll never be able to kick sand in my face ever again.
- - - - -
By the way, I'm on Google chat and AIM as phargle all day if y'all are bored or want some writing critique or whatever.
- - - - -
Onward!
Snugglie, since you started reading Valdemar, or since you started reading about him? One hopes you read the original yourself. In fact, part of the writing shift in Judith's story is due to me going back and reading the originals and realizing how much simpler the comedy was then. I'm trying to get back to that. Also, I wanted Judith to be a resoundingly successful monarch; it also happened that king after king just fell into her lap.
Bingo Brett, let's be realistic: even Judith is from the inbred side of the Knýtling clan. The jello-wrestling side to be sure, but also the inbred side. It's how she can be hawt and inbred at the same time.
El Pip, no, no, maybe the humor is just nuanced and highbrow. We're all sophisticants here.
robou, I think an earlier reader from a year ago proposed a motto that was similarly awesome, but I like this one better. As for Bohdan, he looks a lot like Bretislav, so I think he's Bretislav's brother or son.
General Jac, I hesitate to ask, but PILF? And Judith is a benevolence queen! She's modest, and temperate, and generous, and has a bunch of other traits generally unfound in Knýtlings. Including a trait or two generally unfound in Knýtling women.
4th Dimension, how is Szczepan pronounced?
EvilSanta, I don't know if you mistakenly entered an erotic novel. I suspect a choose-your-own-adventure erotic Judith novel would have a reader or two, though. And as for the end of the Knýtlings. . . well, we're getting close. Judith's story may conclude today. Or tomorrow. You'll never know.
Sekenr, I <3 that poem and have used it for a Knýtling already. I just finished memorizing it today.
- - - - -
And yes, we're nearing the conclusion of Judith's story. After that, the adventures of Jirí (King George? King Jørgen?) begin, and they're going to be quite entertaining. And then we're really near the end. Can you feel it?
If any of you are lurking out there, please feel free to join us as we ride this AAR to its conclusion, even if it's just to say that you're here and you're having a good time. The time during which you can post and say you were here will soon be passed.
And my dearest thanks for those who are voting for the Knud saga in the AARland Choice Awards! Because of y'all, the Knuds are very close to winning favorite comedy. If you want to vote for the best, most hilarious, most well-written comedy AAR, then please cast your vote for Lordling! Otherwise, vote for me, because I want to win this round! With just a few more votes, it will all soon be over for that vile blackmailer, MechTheDane! And I'll be able to finally show my face around that jerk canonized! He'll never be able to kick sand in my face ever again.
- - - - -
By the way, I'm on Google chat and AIM as phargle all day if y'all are bored or want some writing critique or whatever.
- - - - -
Onward!
Last edited:
Valdemaresque perversions from the mouth of a gentle woman?
Now I have seen it all.
Until I see the next episode. I am already amazed.
Now I have seen it all.
Until I see the next episode. I am already amazed.
Mech hasn't updated in a while, and you keep on posting pictures of my favourite pair of... er, favourite actress in Hollywood. Getting closer, indeed.
I am almost tempted to start reading this from the beginning again. I am starting to miss Valdemar for real by now.
I am almost tempted to start reading this from the beginning again. I am starting to miss Valdemar for real by now.
Did I put all my readers to sleep?
The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1432 - 1437
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1432 - 1437
"Once upon a time, there was a queen who was forty-something years old, and she ruled a great kingdom. Sometimes her advisors were evil men. Sometimes they were good. For a very long time, the queen was depressed and saddened by her life, and struggled to maintain her chastity and happiness despite all sorts of problems. She also really worried about getting older. And then she realized she was actually okay with her life, and realized that she had been writing to escape, and therefore her writing had actually helped keep her depressed because it opened a window into worlds she felt were denied to her. She also wrote about character she hoped she could be, and they were always more successful or pretty than she thought she was. It's really quite a sad story if you think about it, but the queen didn't feel sorry for herself. That's just life, and she eventually learned to be okay with life. The end. Well, not really the end. It's never really the end."
Actually, you know what, journal? I don't think I need you anymore.
Well, maybe just one more line.
Well, maybe just one more line.
"The queen rode her horse every day because it made her happy, and she named the horse Valdemar, but she never stopped dreaming of unicorns."
If only I had discovered earlier that Valdemar had the secrets to make a girl like me happy.
There's no time for regrets. I've got an empire to rule.
Norrland and Bergen agree to become my vassals.
There's nothing funny about their names, but this success lets me become the Duchess of Bergslagen, if you know what I mean.
A little flexing of some diplomatic muscle gets the pope to excommunicate Harald Knýtling.
Okay, I admit it. Those weren't diplomatic muscles I was flexing.
It's a good thing I wasn't planning to go to war with Västergötland, or this would really suck.
I'm just kidding. This isn't all that bad. I have plenty of courtiers!
Okay, maybe it is that bad.
I was depressed for decades, and all it took for this clown to find happiness was to find a flute and a set of maracas.
Although now that I think about it, that's pretty similar to what Valdemar advised.
o
Michael Knýtling dies, leaving his rather pathetic demesne to the Byzantine kiss-up baby.
I guess this kid is lucky his father wasn't defeated by Poland.
It is a sign. . . a sign that I should invade Västergötland at once. At least, that's what the pope said.
I confess that I might have been wearing the dress that shows off my maracas when I asked.
The plan was simple. . .
. . . so we scrapped it and went with something a bit more complicated.
We come up with the brilliant idea of organizing our regiments, an idea that is promptly implemented as far from the war as possible.
Chaotic, unreasoning charges against our enemies was good enough for my forefathers, and it's good enough for me!
Knýtlings, virtuous women!
There's no time for regrets. I've got an empire to rule.
Norrland and Bergen agree to become my vassals.
There's nothing funny about their names, but this success lets me become the Duchess of Bergslagen, if you know what I mean.
A little flexing of some diplomatic muscle gets the pope to excommunicate Harald Knýtling.
Okay, I admit it. Those weren't diplomatic muscles I was flexing.
It's a good thing I wasn't planning to go to war with Västergötland, or this would really suck.
I'm just kidding. This isn't all that bad. I have plenty of courtiers!
Okay, maybe it is that bad.
I was depressed for decades, and all it took for this clown to find happiness was to find a flute and a set of maracas.
Although now that I think about it, that's pretty similar to what Valdemar advised.
o
Michael Knýtling dies, leaving his rather pathetic demesne to the Byzantine kiss-up baby.
I guess this kid is lucky his father wasn't defeated by Poland.
It is a sign. . . a sign that I should invade Västergötland at once. At least, that's what the pope said.
I confess that I might have been wearing the dress that shows off my maracas when I asked.
The plan was simple. . .
. . . so we scrapped it and went with something a bit more complicated.
We come up with the brilliant idea of organizing our regiments, an idea that is promptly implemented as far from the war as possible.
Chaotic, unreasoning charges against our enemies was good enough for my forefathers, and it's good enough for me!
Knýtlings, virtuous women!
And so we arrive, at long last, at the last hurrah of good Queen Judith. She inherited a kingdom in Spain and turned it into an empire, and managed to shake off a lifetime of depression and self-doubt after the vile and perverse Blazej died. Now her war with the heretics in Sweden has begun, and the Emperor in Byzantium gets involved. Judith quickly brings both wars to a climax in what is to be her swan song as we reach the stunning conclusion of the adventures of Judith Knýtling!
Ah, what suspense! Will, or wil not, the small, lonely, undefended duchy far North be able to withstand the sheer force of an empipre consisting of half of Europe and a little more? Only time will tell, as the stories of Judith Knýtling continue!
I've vote for not. Especially if they see the Queen's macacas! um... I mean maracas. o
o
Clearly she has also learnt from Vlademar how to bring things to a climax. Quick, dirty and ideally with a close relative, that's the Knytling way!phargle said:
She's a killer queen.
When the last eagle flies over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest though she may be old and worn
They will stare unbelieving at the last unicorn
When the first breath of winter through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north and a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying and would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear the laughter of the last unicorn
I'm alive, I'm alive
When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning
And the future has passed without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky where through the clouds a path is torn
Look and see her how she sparkles, it's the last unicorn
I'm alive, I'm alive
fin
The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1437 - 1439
It's a distraction, yes, but there's a certain symmetry to this that I like.
It was the Lower Lorraine that started me on this path by becoming my vassal, and through them I will finish it.
We finish up the war in Sweden first. Harald is spared. You just never know when you'll need a male Danish Knýtling.
(In case of dynastic emergency, break glass. Ride liberally until fire is extinguished.)
Only a tiny bit of green stands between the Knýtlings and our dreams, but it is a dream that must wait.
I must deal with a more pressing concern.
Byzantium.
Step one: find Byzantium.
I'm pretty sure it's around here someplace.
Step two: figure out which of these guys is on my side and congratulate him.
Step three: sing, sing, sing!
She takes titles in tandem
She's a pretty suffragette
'Get me their claims' she says
Judith is her sobriquet
A Blazej tragedy
A princess she'd rather be
And she writes in desperation
She's really fine
Curvy are her silhouettes
She's first in coronets
And all the men she'll entice
She's a Knýtling Queen
None prouder, she's eighteen
Well, all right, more like she's fifty
But if you are so inclined
Judy's lithe
That last step isn't really required, but nothing short of a bedpost can make negotiation as much fun!
That Romanos kid somehow avoids becoming my vassal.
What are the odds that the only person in all of Christendom that I can't get a diplomatic leg up on is my own Knýtling relative?
The final union of the Knýtling lines will have to wait awhile longer.
In the meantime, a lot of people are pleased when I become the Empress of Rome!
The Lesbians seem particularly excited.
My encounter with the Lesbians will have to wait for another day. I go now to my final reward. If God is kind, he'll work the two together somehow.
Farewell, my darlings.
Farewell.
As told with many pictures. And few words.
(the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)
1437 - 1439
It's a distraction, yes, but there's a certain symmetry to this that I like.
It was the Lower Lorraine that started me on this path by becoming my vassal, and through them I will finish it.
We finish up the war in Sweden first. Harald is spared. You just never know when you'll need a male Danish Knýtling.
(In case of dynastic emergency, break glass. Ride liberally until fire is extinguished.)
Only a tiny bit of green stands between the Knýtlings and our dreams, but it is a dream that must wait.
I must deal with a more pressing concern.
Byzantium.
Step one: find Byzantium.
I'm pretty sure it's around here someplace.
Step two: figure out which of these guys is on my side and congratulate him.
Step three: sing, sing, sing!
She takes titles in tandem
She's a pretty suffragette
'Get me their claims' she says
Judith is her sobriquet
A Blazej tragedy
A princess she'd rather be
And she writes in desperation
She's really fine
Curvy are her silhouettes
She's first in coronets
And all the men she'll entice
She's a Knýtling Queen
None prouder, she's eighteen
Well, all right, more like she's fifty
But if you are so inclined
Judy's lithe
That last step isn't really required, but nothing short of a bedpost can make negotiation as much fun!
That Romanos kid somehow avoids becoming my vassal.
What are the odds that the only person in all of Christendom that I can't get a diplomatic leg up on is my own Knýtling relative?
The final union of the Knýtling lines will have to wait awhile longer.
In the meantime, a lot of people are pleased when I become the Empress of Rome!
The Lesbians seem particularly excited.
My encounter with the Lesbians will have to wait for another day. I go now to my final reward. If God is kind, he'll work the two together somehow.
Farewell, my darlings.
Farewell.
"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl. She was blonde and slim, and always wore fine dresses and blank expressions that hid her inner sadness. You see, the girl lived a difficult life beset my many challenges: being a perfect queen; wicked step-uncles pawing at her; age stealing her beauty; hard struggles with chastity; softer struggles with Chastity, an emissary from Lesbos; war; more war; even more war; the burdens of destiny that forced her to do as her crooked forebears wished. For a very long time, she was depressed by her troubles and sought to escape by writing about her life. Her characters were always wonderful and suffered none of her problems, but they never made her happy no matter how perfect she tried to make them. In fact, they just made her more and more sad the more perfect they became, because it reminded her of her own flaws. And so she lived a life of isolation, sadness, and depression. The only bright spot of joy she ever experienced was the news that her wicked step-uncle had died in some sort of accident involving a harness, the Duchess of Bergslagen, and three carrots. It wasn't until the princess took the advice of a long-dead ancestor, advice hidden deep within a history book, that she found true bliss, and the advice was this: every problem can be solved by killing it or having sex with it. Also, there was a unicorn. The end."
When the last eagle flies over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest though she may be old and worn
They will stare unbelieving at the last unicorn
When the first breath of winter through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north and a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying and would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear the laughter of the last unicorn
I'm alive, I'm alive
When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning
And the future has passed without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky where through the clouds a path is torn
Look and see her how she sparkles, it's the last unicorn
I'm alive, I'm alive
fin
Well done. Potentially one more Knytling to go - I am waiting on the edge of your seat.
I have to say Judith is way up their on my list of favourite Knytlings. Clearly God agrees as she's been Beatified, so is saved from Vlademar's attentions....
a most blessed monarch, and despite her depression, at least she did a lot of conquering and vassalising. She did find happiness in the end though
Bah, one swift kick to St. Peter's testicles and Valdemar will be on his way towards getting to know his latest heir on a more personal basis.El Pip said:
Only fourteen more years of gametime, but at least there'll no more pictures of the floozie with the potato-nose.
Murmurandus said:
A Perfect Circle. Great song.
Not at all appropriate; it's about the singer's mom who is in a wheelchair, not subtly bisexual and all with the vassalising.
Good work, phargle.