Hey, you've still got nearly a hundred years left - have you thought of trying to conquer the entire planet? I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult... 
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Farquharson said:Hey, you've still got nearly a hundred years left - have you thought of trying to conquer the entire planet? I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult...
Or, if you want a more modest goal, how about British Persia? Or Japan? Just make sure to give us a good BBC report about it!
Well actually, once I finish converting the Midlands, the last Reformed territory in my realm, I'm planning on taking Sunni provinces in India and Africa (my previous rule was only taking non-Muslim lands), since my slider will be free for anothe religion now. I've sent about 20 missionaries to the Midlands, but those stubborn Englishmen still favour the likes of Martin Luther over a greedy King to rule their church...
BBC News, 1751
"Hello I'm Geoffrey Badgerton, and this is another edition of BBC News," smiled the very-professional newsanchor Geoff. "British revenues jump to four hundred ducats monthly, thanks to the enormous amount of money being poured into colonizing the realms of Great Britain. The East India Company is also to thank for this monumental step in the monetary wealth of the Crown, as their efforts to colonize Indonesia and the recent completion of a refinery in Bandjar- Banana jar- Banjermitten- Baver-"
"Sound it out, Geoff," sweetly said Maddy the newswoman, delighted at Geoff's current fumbling of words.
"I can pronounce the word just fine, thankyou very much Maddy!" said Geoff grouchily. "Band-of-Germans-in! Oh, grumble-fish! I'm still much smarter than you at least, Maddy!"
"It's called Banjarmasin," said Maddy softly. "It's located in the southwestern region of Borneo. The largest city is also called Banjarmasin, with its predominant inhabitants being English Protestant colonists. The primary export of the region is spices, in which Great Britain is the largest worldwide producer of."
Geoff and Recently-Missing-Three-Teeth Oliver stared at Maddy in amazement.
"What? I'm a very well-read woman," said Maddy innocently. "I read a lot of - umm, whatcha-callums... those pieces of paper withs letters on them..."
"Books?" asked the bewildered Geoff.
"Yeah those thingies, books," said Maddy, fixing her hair.
"I'm amazed that she knows more than you do, Geoff-"
"SHE DOES NOT!" yelled Geoff defiantly. "Just get to your news report, Maddy."
"Very good then," Maddy said. "Great Britain's feeling of victory is now slowly fading out of the picture, as the last war almost six years ago against the French is not the hot topic of conversion anymore. The War of Austrian Succession, or the War of the League of Aupsburg left England with the all remaining French colonies in the Carribean and on the Gulf of Mexico. Although it lead to Prussia leaving Britain's alliance and joining with the French, the King and his subjects are glad to be rid of those Germanic warmongers! Even more forgotten is the War of Jenkin's Ear, where England gained nothing is the war against the Spanish behemoth. The war against the Spanish, some figured, was just an excuse for England to sink Spanish ships in the Carribean-"
"Yeah right," snorted Oliver. "That entire war was a hoax to begin with!" he shouted.
"Oh," said Geoff. "So you don't agree with Captain Jenkin's claim of Spanish brutality in the Carribean?"
"What I don't agree with are his lies!" yelled the angered Englishman. "You know that shriveled up ear he carries around with him in a box?"
Geoff and Maddy nodded.
"That was my ear!" yelled Oliver. "He cut it off 'coz he was mad I beat him in Snooker!"
"Snooker?" asked Maddy. "Is he the dog who solves mysteries?"
"No, that's Scooby-Doo," whispered Geoff to Maddy. "Snooker is British for pool."
"What I don't understand is how that was able to happen?" said Maddy loudly. "Your missing both your ears already. All you have is holes in your that are covered up by your shaggy hair so the viewers don't get horribly disgusted. Are you saying you had a third ear?"
"Well, I- I had- my ear was-" studdered Somehow-Missing-His-Third-Ear Oliver. "He cut off my ear and that's that! If I had three ears, then that's the business of Me, God, and Dr. O'Neilstein."
"Doctor O'Neilstein?" asked the puzzled Maddy.
"Well you know what they say about Irish-Jewish doctors, don't you, Maddy?" asked Oliver.
"That they'll get really drunk and do your taxes while they give you a check up," laughed Geoff.
"No, they're very professional. I only take services from London's best," sneered Oliver.
"Anyways finishing off my news report, the province of Ust Urt has defected to the Khazak horde," said Maddy.
"Ugga-Ugga?" said Somehow-Missing-His-Third-Ear Oliver. He sighed. "Are you still on those 'Dutch herbs'?"
"No, really. It's a province owned by Khazak Horde!"
"Did you say Jaja Gabor?" sighed Oliver. "Maddy, that stuff is no good for you. Those 'Dutch herbs' just make you all phsyco."
"I'm not on any 'Dutch herbs'!" shrieked Maddy.
"Of course your not sitting on a Dutch bird!" laughed Oliver. "But seriously, though, you need to get off the 'stuff'."
"I'm not on any 'stuff'. Without your ears you can't hear properly!" she yelled angrily.
"What did you just say about me ol' Mum and the Sultan of Zanj?!?!" said Oliver, as his face turned red. "I oughta wash your mouth out with soap."
"You know what, why don't I just bring out our special guest. He's the Netherlands' ambasador in London. So let me introduce... umm, Hans Van - something or other," said Geoff.
"Geoff, that's very stereotypical of you," scolded Maddy. "Not all Dutch people have names like that." Maddy turned around to shake the ambassador's hand. "I'm sorry for my ignorant friend. Your name is?"
"Hans Van Somethingorother."
"Oh," blushed Maddy in her chair. "Well, very nice to meet you Hans."
"Yeah, yeah," said Hans.
"So tell me, Hans," said Maddy. "Have the Dutch and British mended any fences after fighting the Second Friesland War some decade ago."
"Most certainly not!" shouted Hans. "We can never forgive the British! Or the Prussians! Not until the world is ruled by Dutchman!"
"Your country plans on taking over the world?" asked Geoff.
"Yeah, yeah! Dutchland Uber Alles!" shouted the Ducth ambassador. "Heil Hans!"
"Heil Hans?" asked Maddy.
"Well, we need someone to take over the world for the Dutch. I think I'd make a very good Fuhrer," said Hans in a regular tone. "I've already made plans to invade France."
"France hasn't won a war since the invention of the sword," laughed Geoff. "I figure if you send a cat against the French army, they'd surrender in a matter of seconds."
"Not true, the French are not that weak. They single-handedly defeated Savoy!" said Hans.
"Only because Savoy is inhabited by Frenchman! France can only win wars against fellow Frenchman!" said Geoff laughing.
"I've had enough of your 'logic' and 'facts'!" yelled Hans angrilly. "One day the world will bow to me, the future Fuhrer of Europe! Heil Hans! Dutchland Uber Al-
"Did you just call Queen Bess uglier than the butt of diseased baboon?!?!" asked the hard-of-hearing and furious Oliver, with his fists clenched. "That's it Dutchie, your going down!"
"No, please!" screamed the Dutch as Oliver cahsed him out of the studio. "I'll give you Poland when I conquer it!"
"That's our Ollie," chuckled Geoff. "Anyways, I'm Geoffrey Badgerton and this has been another edition of BBC News. Goodnight."
Schoolteachers throughout Great Britain and its realms cross out the word Prussia on all of their maps and write in 'The Land of Traitorous Germans'.
Mr. Van Wiggletails, a Dutch rabbit who's got just as good a chance as Hans of conquering France.
A French soldier surrenders unconditionally upon seeing the adorably cute, yet possible threatening, Dutch General Van Wiggletails
"Hello I'm Geoffrey Badgerton, and this is another edition of BBC News," smiled the very-professional newsanchor Geoff. "British revenues jump to four hundred ducats monthly, thanks to the enormous amount of money being poured into colonizing the realms of Great Britain. The East India Company is also to thank for this monumental step in the monetary wealth of the Crown, as their efforts to colonize Indonesia and the recent completion of a refinery in Bandjar- Banana jar- Banjermitten- Baver-"
"Sound it out, Geoff," sweetly said Maddy the newswoman, delighted at Geoff's current fumbling of words.
"I can pronounce the word just fine, thankyou very much Maddy!" said Geoff grouchily. "Band-of-Germans-in! Oh, grumble-fish! I'm still much smarter than you at least, Maddy!"
"It's called Banjarmasin," said Maddy softly. "It's located in the southwestern region of Borneo. The largest city is also called Banjarmasin, with its predominant inhabitants being English Protestant colonists. The primary export of the region is spices, in which Great Britain is the largest worldwide producer of."
Geoff and Recently-Missing-Three-Teeth Oliver stared at Maddy in amazement.
"What? I'm a very well-read woman," said Maddy innocently. "I read a lot of - umm, whatcha-callums... those pieces of paper withs letters on them..."
"Books?" asked the bewildered Geoff.
"Yeah those thingies, books," said Maddy, fixing her hair.
"I'm amazed that she knows more than you do, Geoff-"
"SHE DOES NOT!" yelled Geoff defiantly. "Just get to your news report, Maddy."
"Very good then," Maddy said. "Great Britain's feeling of victory is now slowly fading out of the picture, as the last war almost six years ago against the French is not the hot topic of conversion anymore. The War of Austrian Succession, or the War of the League of Aupsburg left England with the all remaining French colonies in the Carribean and on the Gulf of Mexico. Although it lead to Prussia leaving Britain's alliance and joining with the French, the King and his subjects are glad to be rid of those Germanic warmongers! Even more forgotten is the War of Jenkin's Ear, where England gained nothing is the war against the Spanish behemoth. The war against the Spanish, some figured, was just an excuse for England to sink Spanish ships in the Carribean-"
"Yeah right," snorted Oliver. "That entire war was a hoax to begin with!" he shouted.
"Oh," said Geoff. "So you don't agree with Captain Jenkin's claim of Spanish brutality in the Carribean?"
"What I don't agree with are his lies!" yelled the angered Englishman. "You know that shriveled up ear he carries around with him in a box?"
Geoff and Maddy nodded.
"That was my ear!" yelled Oliver. "He cut it off 'coz he was mad I beat him in Snooker!"
"Snooker?" asked Maddy. "Is he the dog who solves mysteries?"
"No, that's Scooby-Doo," whispered Geoff to Maddy. "Snooker is British for pool."
"What I don't understand is how that was able to happen?" said Maddy loudly. "Your missing both your ears already. All you have is holes in your that are covered up by your shaggy hair so the viewers don't get horribly disgusted. Are you saying you had a third ear?"
"Well, I- I had- my ear was-" studdered Somehow-Missing-His-Third-Ear Oliver. "He cut off my ear and that's that! If I had three ears, then that's the business of Me, God, and Dr. O'Neilstein."
"Doctor O'Neilstein?" asked the puzzled Maddy.
"Well you know what they say about Irish-Jewish doctors, don't you, Maddy?" asked Oliver.
"That they'll get really drunk and do your taxes while they give you a check up," laughed Geoff.
"No, they're very professional. I only take services from London's best," sneered Oliver.
"Anyways finishing off my news report, the province of Ust Urt has defected to the Khazak horde," said Maddy.
"Ugga-Ugga?" said Somehow-Missing-His-Third-Ear Oliver. He sighed. "Are you still on those 'Dutch herbs'?"
"No, really. It's a province owned by Khazak Horde!"
"Did you say Jaja Gabor?" sighed Oliver. "Maddy, that stuff is no good for you. Those 'Dutch herbs' just make you all phsyco."
"I'm not on any 'Dutch herbs'!" shrieked Maddy.
"Of course your not sitting on a Dutch bird!" laughed Oliver. "But seriously, though, you need to get off the 'stuff'."
"I'm not on any 'stuff'. Without your ears you can't hear properly!" she yelled angrily.
"What did you just say about me ol' Mum and the Sultan of Zanj?!?!" said Oliver, as his face turned red. "I oughta wash your mouth out with soap."
"You know what, why don't I just bring out our special guest. He's the Netherlands' ambasador in London. So let me introduce... umm, Hans Van - something or other," said Geoff.
"Geoff, that's very stereotypical of you," scolded Maddy. "Not all Dutch people have names like that." Maddy turned around to shake the ambassador's hand. "I'm sorry for my ignorant friend. Your name is?"
"Hans Van Somethingorother."
"Oh," blushed Maddy in her chair. "Well, very nice to meet you Hans."
"Yeah, yeah," said Hans.
"So tell me, Hans," said Maddy. "Have the Dutch and British mended any fences after fighting the Second Friesland War some decade ago."
"Most certainly not!" shouted Hans. "We can never forgive the British! Or the Prussians! Not until the world is ruled by Dutchman!"
"Your country plans on taking over the world?" asked Geoff.
"Yeah, yeah! Dutchland Uber Alles!" shouted the Ducth ambassador. "Heil Hans!"
"Heil Hans?" asked Maddy.
"Well, we need someone to take over the world for the Dutch. I think I'd make a very good Fuhrer," said Hans in a regular tone. "I've already made plans to invade France."
"France hasn't won a war since the invention of the sword," laughed Geoff. "I figure if you send a cat against the French army, they'd surrender in a matter of seconds."
"Not true, the French are not that weak. They single-handedly defeated Savoy!" said Hans.
"Only because Savoy is inhabited by Frenchman! France can only win wars against fellow Frenchman!" said Geoff laughing.
"I've had enough of your 'logic' and 'facts'!" yelled Hans angrilly. "One day the world will bow to me, the future Fuhrer of Europe! Heil Hans! Dutchland Uber Al-
"Did you just call Queen Bess uglier than the butt of diseased baboon?!?!" asked the hard-of-hearing and furious Oliver, with his fists clenched. "That's it Dutchie, your going down!"
"No, please!" screamed the Dutch as Oliver cahsed him out of the studio. "I'll give you Poland when I conquer it!"
"That's our Ollie," chuckled Geoff. "Anyways, I'm Geoffrey Badgerton and this has been another edition of BBC News. Goodnight."
Schoolteachers throughout Great Britain and its realms cross out the word Prussia on all of their maps and write in 'The Land of Traitorous Germans'.
Mr. Van Wiggletails, a Dutch rabbit who's got just as good a chance as Hans of conquering France.
A French soldier surrenders unconditionally upon seeing the adorably cute, yet possible threatening, Dutch General Van Wiggletails
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Wow that ollie is vicious, remind me not to cross his path! Oh well, serves the dutchboy right As for the French, don't go too hard on them after all, when Napoleon comes along the brits will be in for a surprise
As for the French, don't go too hard on them after all, when Napoleon comes along the brits will be in for a surprise
The Dutch guest, Gen. Wiggletails, and of course, Ollie's undying love for Good Queen Bess! Terrific as always. Made sure to put the drink down before reading so as not to spew any over my keyboard.
Grrrrr! I have good news and bad news. The first is that I finished my English game, partictipated in two wars with the Yankees, and one with Napoleon, and took plenty of good screenies. But the bad news is that I saved over the finished game. Not to worry, I will finish this AAR and use my screenies of the big wars and such, but I won't have any screenshots of my final empire. *sniff*
PS. It may take me a while to finish this AAR, due to a multitude of other things I am doing right now. But rest assured, this AAR will have a completed sign beside its name, and I'll try to give it a good ending.
I have good news and bad news. The first is that I finished my English game, partictipated in two wars with the Yankees, and one with Napoleon, and took plenty of good screenies. But the bad news is that I saved over the finished game. Not to worry, I will finish this AAR and use my screenies of the big wars and such, but I won't have any screenshots of my final empire. *sniff*PS. It may take me a while to finish this AAR, due to a multitude of other things I am doing right now. But rest assured, this AAR will have a completed sign beside its name, and I'll try to give it a good ending.
not to worry you keep writing, and i'll keep reading the rest along with the napoleonic wars is sure to be a blast
you keep writing, and i'll keep reading the rest along with the napoleonic wars is sure to be a blast
Happens to the best of us. As long as we get to see what happens to your kingdom and BBC crew, I'll be happy. In fact, I am truly hoping you will think about doing one full AAR of just BBC announcers - I think it would be a winner, to be sure!
Congrats on a very entertaining aar! My all-time fav must have been king Charles the Weed-Puffer beeing called your "highness". I rarely laugh in front of my laptop, alone in my bed in the middle of the night.
thank you
thank you
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