Speaking of rebellion....
The chief was observing the “imperial” army, a group of 1500 men marching in front of the other allied armies. The Albanians were happy because they’ve lost so few man, and got control of every Portuguese provinces; the allies were pissed off, but there was nothing they could do. The soldiers were singing the new hit song that has became popular in the recent years.
--- (Status Quo: In The Army Now) ---
A vacation in the foreign land
Uncle Chief does the best he can
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
Now you remember what the draft man said
Nothing to do all day but stay in bed
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
You'll be a hero of the local tribe
Nobody knows that you did not fight
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
Smiling faces on the Albanians
They managed to screw the alliance
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
Arrows flyin' over your head
If you wanna free meal get out of bed
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
Shots ring out in the dead of night
The sergeant drunk again and calls: "Stand up and fight!"
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
You've got your orders to loot the villages
And if there’s trouble just call the Castilians
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
You're on holiday now
Oh oh you're on holiday now
Night is falling and you just can't see
Is this illusion or reality
You're very drunk now
Oh oh you're very drunk, very drunk now
You're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army now
Oh oh you're in the army, in the Albanian army now
“That is so beautiful”, said the chief as he shed a drop of tear from his eyes, and turned to Schulz, “Did you hear that? They called me uncle Chief?”
“Great”
“You’re not thrilled?”
“Chief, it was you and I who wrote that song two years ago, and you insisted the ‘uncle’ part to be in it!”
“Well I’m sorry if I can’t remember anything!”
“Speaking of which: how old are you anyway, chief?”
Their conversation was interrupted by a messenger, galloping in on his horse.
“Chief! The heathens in Granada have revolted!”
Schulz immediately commented: “I told you your propaganda message sucked”
“No it didn’t suck! The people of Granada are just too spoiled and can’t handle a few years of looting and terror!”
“Well the other provinces did not revolt!”
“Yeah, they’re real men”
“Half of which are women”
“Whatever. Let’s deal with the situation first. You, messenger, my solution to the problem is: let’s do nothing about it, and leave it to the allies to solve it! Haha, after saying something this smart I have to get a drink!”, said the chief and left for the bar. The messenger asked Schulz what was the message the chief sent to the people of Granada.
“Prepare for extermination”
“Why would anyone say something like that?! He outha’ knew that it would upset the locals!”
“Yeah, but the chief is currently in this ‘I’m a dark overlord’ kind of phase, and he thinks it’s funny to scare people around...”
“Gees...”
“Yeah”
“So, you think I should tell him about this noble requesting aid?”
“Some noble is in trouble and requests the aide of the king?”
“Yeah, do you want to hear the story?”
“Tell me. As for the decision, I think it’s better if you just tell the guy he’s denied help. It’s a lot better than being lanced, which I think the chief would do now that he’s in his phase”
The story faded into the past as the chief traveled into the future. In the future, he was sitting at a table, with Polly on his shoulders, and Schulz next to him. The rest of the folks were unknown to the chief, so he had to wait until his memory returned. In the meantime, a tall man was standing on the opposite side, and speaking some unknown language.
“Well, this is obviously a peace negotiation with Portugal”, thought the chief, and he was right. When the tall man finished his speech, the man next to him, a translator, started speaking. Most of the speech was the usual rubbish about the need for eternal peace and complaints about the gardens ruined while looting the capital. Then the story got a little bit boring, as the translator started quoting the Bible, Thomas Aquinas, Aristotle, Julius Caesar, Santa Claus and the rest of the circus. The chief remembered what he was doing in the past few years, then he played a bit with his pocket knife, then quit because Schulz pushed him to keep attention, then he looked jealously at Polly who was sound asleep, and finally, when he couldn’t hold it, he farted large.
This happened just when the translator was explaining the idea of Thomas Aquinas why philosophy was the servant of theology, and caused the Portuguese to think their counterparts don’t respect the philosophy of the Catholic Church.
“My God, senhor! Is that what you think of a saint?”
“What saint?”
“Disgusting! You, senhor, are an undereducated ignoramus, a declassified bipedal, an audacious listener!”
“Huh?”
“I’d spit in your countenance if it was not below my dignity!”
The chief turned to Schulz, asking “What the hell is he talking about?” When Schulz showed he has no clue, the chief stood up.
“Look, moron! I want Oporto and Algarve! Now give it to me or I’ll tell Isabel y Fernando of Spain that you treated me bad!”
The peace deal was signed after that, and the war finally ended in 1479. During this time Albania gathered a lot of money from looting and trade tariffs taken from Portugal. Seeing that everything was going perfect, the king ordered a new army to be built to recover Smyrna and Antalya from rebel control.
“Ah yes, now I can go on a vacation”
“Qraa! Chief, you already spent ten years on the shores of Portugal”, Polly objected.
“Yeah, and I became so tired from watching the waves I need another ten years in the mountains”
“Qraa! You should better concentrate on world conquest!”
“Tell you what: YOU concentrate on world conquest, and I’m going to keep some sheep, just like my ancestors did!”
“Now you remembered your ancestors! And you haven’t been watching sheep for 60 years!”
“Doesn’t mean I forgot how it’s done”
And the king stepped outside his palace, and headed towards the hills. Somewhere in those wild forests live the members of his clan, and they should probably accept him back.
Word of the king abdicating quickly spread, and soon legends were being made.
“You know, Cathie, I heard he went to marry a nice girl and live his life in peace”
“Now where did you hear such nonsense, Marry? That man would never marry a common girl! He’s nobility, he needs someone with noble blood”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Cathie! Even nobles can fall in love”
“You’re not thinking again about that nutcase Qeku, aren’t you?”
“He’s not a nutcase!”
“Well he was eating with his legs!”
“It didn’t stop that beautiful girl falling in love with him”
“Marry, I think it was obvious she married him for his money!”
“Did not!”
“Girls, what are you fighting about?”, the priest interrupted.
“Hello father! We heard that the king is abdicating”
“Ah, yes! I bet he’s going to live a holy life in some monastery...”
The legends that surrounded the chief’s brief abdication fascinated the people of Hellas so much they decided to convert to Catholicism. This was good news for Polly, now running the country, because he had to face some Unhappy peasants.
“Boooo!”
“Captain, ask them what they want”
“People, what is it you want?”
“We want to know if there is a ruler of the country”
“Sure there is!”, the captain answered.
“Well we want to see him then, or we’ll go and start fires everywhere”
“This castle is made out of stone, friend”
“Then we’ll put the gates on fire!”
“Yeah! Booo!”, the crowd cheered. The captain turned to Polly: “Maybe you should talk to the people?”
Polly stepped out on the side of the wall.
“Qraa! My people, I am your current ruler!”
“Aaaah! A talking monster! We’re ruled by monsters”
The parrot turned to the captain: “They figured it out only now? What did they think the chief was?”
“Emperor of the world, Polly”
“Hah! My former master, senator Casius was a bigger hot shot than the chief will ever be!”
In the meantime, the crowd assembled again, and started throwing rocks.
“We want the chief back!”
“Captain, get rid of these people. We need colonists in Fernando Po anyway”
The bloodshead that followed scared the people of Anatolia, a province part of the Ottoman Empire.
“Oh no, they’re gonna kill us all!”
“What can we do about it?”
“Let’s join their realm before it’s too late!”
And so they did. And just like the people of Antalya, the people of Anatolia did not realize either that it’s not good being Muslim in Albania, but when they realized it was too late. Polly, on the other hand, was impressed by the amount of people willing to die in that province, as 8000 new men could be recruited from Anatolia alone. This increased the total manpower to 12.000. The scribes wrote down what Polly said when he heard the news: “I’m impressed! Qraa!”
The End of Summer Vacation
“We don’t want amenity, we want war” - Mao Ce-tung
Years have passed. Polly finished a lot of economic programs, lowered the inflation, built up the army, supressed a dozens of revolts in Anatolia, Antalya, Oporto and Ivoria. Schulz planted the seed of revolt in Bulgaria, which soon after declared its independence from Ragusa. He was very unhappy, however, when he saw Spain annex Aragon in 1490, and he decided to go back to Hannover. He desired peace, just like the chief did.
Speaking of which, nobody knew where the chief went 20 years ago. Some thought he died of old age, while other told stories about seeing him, walking in disguise among the common folk. The women thought it was romantic, the men thought it was wise, while the old folks remembered seeing the chief walking the streets even before he abdicated. More precisely, he was walking towards the bordels when he was drunk, but that is besides the point.
And because noone was expecting him, it was totally unexpected when he showed up at the castle one afternoon in 1492. The chief ignored the crowd, and went straight for the throne room, where he found Polly.
“Qraa! Chief, you’re back! How was your holliday!”
“It was crap! I skipped most of the time because of time traveling, and I want to speak to the old man from my dreams!”
“What am I, a walky-talky? Qraa!”
“The old man from the future told me I can communicate with him through you! I want to tell him I had enough of this nonsense, and that I want to live a normal life!”
...
“Qraa! Nothing happenned”
“Well can’t you make something happen?”
“I’m not a walky-talky, chief!”
“Damn it!”
It was not clear what had to be done. The chief could not return to his normal life, so perhaps it would be better if he did conquer the world. Maybe the people from the future will then leave him alone. While he was thinking at his table, a crowd came in his room.
“Whow! Look at him, he IS alive!”
“Yeah I am alive, what’s so funny about that?”
“Nothing chief, oh, may I call you chief?”
“That’s my name”
“Actually it’s your title, chief”
“Whatever. What do you want?”
“We are Muslims from Anatolia and we came here to see if it’s true what they say about you. That you are eternal”
“Yes I am, so what?”
“Then it means all our beliefs are wrong!”, the man shouted, and then started to cry. “My world is falling appart!”
“Of course they are wrong, stupid! There is only one Church, and that is the Catholic Church!”
“I though they were saying that only to repress us Muslims”, the man was wiping his tears, “But now I see it better! Thank you, chief”
And the people of Anatolia converted to the One True Faith.