Note: I know Skanderbeg is an Albanian national hero, so once again I apologize to anyone I might offend. This story has nothing to do with historical truth, and is all the product of my sick mind
The Institution of Skanderbeg
The brilliant general, known by later generations as “uncle Skanderbeg”, was a serious man. He was so serious he actually lacked any sense of humor, and rumors told that nobody ever saw him smile. Because of his inability to find any joke funny, he was actually laughed at and ridiculed. The sort of “look at the idiot” type of ridicule. To avoid this, Skanderbeg joined the army, and after his superiors died off in blood-feuds, he took the leashes of command in his own hands, and led the Albanian army to many glorious victories.
The first one of those victories happened during the war with the Ottomans.
Skanderbeg walked through the muddy path to the entrance of the “royal” palace. The chief was sitting in front of the gates, drinking along with a few of his buddies. The soldier saluted:
“General Skanderbeg reporting for duty, sir!”
“Ah, Skanderbeg, you old scoundrel, where have you been?”
“I was sailing the Mediterranean for months, trying desperately to reach the Motherland, while my men were dying of starvation and disease. It was horrible! First we were left without salt. Then without food. Then cholera broke out amongst the youngest. Finally, a guy invented how to extract salt from the water, but he starved to death before he could tell us the secret. Seeing how all hope is lost, we decided to draw straws, and the one that pulled out the longest was going to be eaten”
“All right, all right man, I wasn’t asking for your life story! Gees, go and conquer something”
“At once, sir!”
And Skanderbeg took his 12.000 surviving men, and liberated Thrace and Smyrna, and took Bulgaria from the Ottomans in the following year. In the meantime, the king traveled a little bit more through time. He showed up at the walls of his capital city, Duress. Down in front of him was a large crowd of peasants, booing and shouting. “Well, this is obviously a protest. I’ll just order the guards to…”
“Chief!”, he was interrupted by a gasping servant, “a few of the peasants started climbing the walls! What should we do?”
“Well wipe them off the face of the Earth, what do you think you should do?”. Then he turned to the soldier next to him: “Where is my Italian advisor?”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“Tell my Italian advisor to show up immediately, I have something important to ask him”
“Um, chief, your advisor ran away last year in that corruption scandal”
“Huh?”
Luckily, he was hit by his memories then, and he remembered the whole thing. The chief was tired of ruling a country that was at constant warfare, so he hatched a scheme with his advisor to rob the treasury and flee to Naples. Everything worked perfectly, except that his advisor knocked him in the head after they escaped from the palace, and he ran away with the loot himself. The following morning, the king had to face some serious corruption charges, which in turn he had to bribe everyone in the room, with the money left in the treasury. There wasn’t enough, however, and some were dissatisfied and swore on blood-feud, that is, stability suffered.
Back to the present, the couple of hundred soldiers present at the fort gathered in front of the gates. The king decided to hold an inspiring speech:
“My fellow Albanians, seeing the raw strength of you inspires me with great hopes about our future. Let’s show those dirty peasants that we are not meek, but instead brave and courageous! Let them learn a lesson they’ll never forget! I have my deepest trust in each and every one of you that you’ll succeed. Now go out there and kick some rebel butt!”
The soldiers cheered and roared, the gates were open, and the few hundred brave soldiers rushed out, only to meet 15.000 armed peasants. They were quickly surrounded.
As the Unhappy peasants approached, something happened. One of the soldiers recognized someone among the crowd.
“Mum?”
“Billy?”
“What are you doing amongst angry peasants?”
“And what are you doing in the Albanian army? You said you were going to France!”
“I’m sorry, I… I lied…”, said the soldier with tears in his eyes.
After this emotional moment the soldiers and the peasants hugged, and together they sacked the capital city. The king escaped only through time traveling. He showed up at a large wooden table, surrounded by dirty men mumbling something he couldn’t understand.
“Oh no! It finally happened! I finally traveled to somewhere where people speak a different tongue!”
“What are you talking about?”, a guy next to him pushed him with his elbow. He was speaking Albanian!
“Oh nothing. I was just thinking aloud”
“How can you think about people speaking different languages at this time?”
“Hey, do I ask you what’s going on around you’re brain?”
“Yes!”
Strange. Well, he’ll just wait for a while until his memory comes back. In the meantime, the guy at the other side of the table, a large bearded man, stood up and started shouting at him. He was pointing at a short, thin man, and shouted even though the chief couldn’t understand him. This continued for another half hour, during which the chief recovered his memory. The large man was the ambassador of Hungary. The Hungarians captured Rumelia in the current war. The war was initiated by Siebenburgen, which was represented by the short man. They were discussing peace.
When the large man finished his shouting, the guy next to him – his new advisor – leaned to him and said, “the ambassador says he accepts our peace deal. We give them our total treasury, and they give us Rumelia back”
“Total treasury!”
“0$, that is.”
“Oh”
The meeting has ended, and the king and his new advisor left the meeting-palace. The king had a worried face, so the advisor asked him what’s wrong.
“I had a strange dream last night [if you may call that last night]”
“What was it like?”
“Well, it was… did you ever dream about old men?”
“Not really….”
“Or about people flying in the air?”
“Well, once, but…”
“All right then! Then it’s probably nothing”
“What did you dream about, chief?”
“Well, basically I was walking the streets of Durres”
“The one held by the rebels right now”
“Right. I was walking, and suddenly an old man was hovering in the air in front of me. The strange thing is I already dreamed about him”
“That isn’t so strange…”
“You think so? Anyway, the old man was hovering in the air, and he was repeatedly saying “No conquest - no cookies, chief! No conquest – no cookies, chief!” It was horrible! What do you think it means?”
“Well, most of the time dreams mean nothing, but I think the old man was telling you it’s time to conquer some territory”
“Wow, that was incredible! You’re a very smart man!”
“Yes, well, sometimes nature makes us incredible, super-smart”
“And modest too!”
“Yes, modesty is a way of life for me”
“So tell me, what should I do now?”
“We should go home…”
“I meant what should I do with the Ottomans? Skanderbeg captured all their provinces, but they are all Muslim”
“Can’t we just wipe those infidels off?”
“Hardly”
“Then you should vassalize the Ottomans”
And so peace has come to the lands of Albania once more. Three provinces, including Albania was in rebel hands, however, and the army was downgraded to only 20.000 men. Something had to be done!
Skanderbeg was walking on the muddy road to the “imperial” palace. When he arrived to the gates, he noticed the king sitting on a bench with his new advisor, drinking beer.
“Mission accomplished, my king! I conquered Turkey and defended the Empire just as you’ve told me!”
“I told you when?”
“Five years ago, chief”
“I meant you should conquer some chick and get laid, you idiot!”
“Apologies, sir”
“Go to Thrace now and liberate it from the rebels! You should rape some peasant girl in the meantime – you look a bit stressed”
“As you wish”
And Skanderbeg left with 2000 men and defeated the huge rebel army in Trace, and after siege engines arrived he left to rebel held Morea. Soon the peasants forgot why they were unhappy about, and the situation calmed. All lands were in the hands of the chieftain again. However, some of the nobles disliked this.
“This state is too centralized!”, the leader of the noble’s delegation complained.
“What do you mean it’s centralized?”
“Well you have too much power!”
“I am the king after all, aren’t I?”
“Anyways, we would like more decentralization”
“OK, whatever…”, said the chief, and got into time shifting. “Hehe, no need to deal with those idiots”, he thought, when suddenly he showed up at a sea shore. The soldiers were marching into the large transport ships. And Skanderbeg was standing in front of the chief, looking at him with a dumb look. The chief got annoyed right away.
“What?”
“Chief, you need to give him some words of encouragement”, his advisor whispered.
“OK, wait for a minute”
Finally, he remembered everything. For the last few years all the country’s resources were spent on bribing the Castilian king to allow military access. It was very expensive, but after the total of 300$ they caved in. The soldiers that were entering the transport ships were that 20.000 cavalry army led by Skanderbeg. Their plan was to conquer Portugal. Why? No reason especially, only the chief was afraid from the old man in his dreams, and he felt he had to conquer something.
Back to Skanderbeg.
“So, you are going to Portugal, huh Skanderbeg?”
“Yes sir”
“And what are you going to do there?”
“I will be conquering lands for the glory of the Empire, my king”
“And…?”
“I will be looting and pillaging for the enrichment of the Empire, my king”
“What else…?”
“Um…”
“You are going to rape some Portuguese girls! That is an order! I can’t stand seeing you like this! You’re alive as a tree is”
“The tree is alive, sir”
“And I don’t see anyone caring, now do I?”
“No , sir”
“Get lost, idiot!”
After those encouraging words, Skanderbeg led the “imperial” fleet to Castile, split his army to attack Portugal from the north and the south, and then war was declared. The Portuguese were quickly annihilated, and the boring sieges had begun.
In the meantime, the chief had a great idea.
“I am moving my capital to Constantinople!”
“Huh?”
“I will rename the city to – Chiefnople”
“But why do you want to leave the peaceful sights of Albania, chief?”
“Peaceful!? You mean boring! All day I’m sitting on this bench with you, my loyal advisor, and drink beer, talking about bullshit. In Thrace I could hold such grand parties, and have the finest imperial daughters around me.”
“But consider the costs…”
“Don’t oppose me, advisor!”
“Yes sir”
So preparations were being made, but some heretic uprising in Thessaloniki delayed them. After the heretics were crushed, the king decided to go to Thrace and personally oversee the workings. He was halted by a messenger boy shouting.
“Chief! The Ottomans declared war!”
“On us?”
“Errr….”
And the plans had to be halted for a while. It turned out, however, that it would be quite some time, because the Ottomans captured the province, and demanded it as part of a peace deal. Since the 10.000 defending army was annihilated in the first months of the war, the chief had nothing to do but accept. This meant that Smyrna would be cut off from Albania. The biggest surprise for all was when the Ottomans moved their capital to Thrace, renaming the city to Istanbul.
“Basterds! They are stealing my ideas!”
“Maybe we shouldn’t have agreed on giving them Thrace, chief”
“Well, if that Skanderbeg was here we would have had some hope, but nooo! He had to go and see the world!”
“Chief, you were the one to…”
“Shut up!”
The chief went back to his room and cried. Suddenly he got into time traveling. “Well, I hope the future will turn out better” And Skanderbeg showed up in front of him again. “Oh no!”
“Portugal defeated, my king. We’ve acquired the colonies of Salvador, Tiracambu, Lobito, Para, Diamentina, Uruguay, Casamance… * breath * …Curitiba, Kribi and Itaimas”
“Huh?”
“We’ve also acquired new world maps. It seems the world is round, and that there’s another continent, full of weak nations just waiting to get conquered”
“Weak you say? All right, prepare for war!”
"Yes, sir"
"Skanderbeg"
"Yes, sir?"
"Did you rape some Portuguese girls?"
"It somehow slipped my mind, sir. I had all those millitary actions to lead, and..."
"Ah, just shut up...!"
And the present crashed down as the chief got into time traveling again.
