Chapter 6: Liberation, Disaffection, Insurrection
Onwards, you brave men of Korchev! Let us show those blasted Georgians who are the true lords of the Black Sea!
And the first one to say "Greek" will be a head shorter!
Well this is starting off brilliantly...
You imbeciles let yourselves be raided by bandits? You're professional soldiers, you need to stop staring at the enemy walls and watch your back!
No no no no, now you're
all facing the wrong way! Christ, it is hard to find good fodder with brains these days.
Luckily, my secret weapon is ready to be unveiled! *Drumroll*
And what a beard!
Ta-daa! See? I managed to raise the perfect killing machine - his head is completely void of all information and thought apart from how to best obliterate my enemies. No personality, no intellectual activity, no will of his own - and he's blindly loyal, too!
Rurik: Boris, come here. Come here, Boris.
Boris: Uurhh... Boris... smash... enemy... hurrrr....
Rurik: Go on Boris, you are my marshal now, show those Georgians our might. Yes yes, here's a cookie - good boy!
Feodor: Psst! My liege, I have discovered that Vasilko is plotting to murder your son.
Rurik:What? Vasilko? Why would he do such a thing??
Feodor: Something about proving his proficiency in “the trade” to you and wishing "really really much to be the heir." He was really excited about it all, didn’t really get much out of his details for the plan, if he had any.
Rurik: Wait – he told you all this?
Feodor: Of course, he came to me for advice and assistance. Kept blabbering something about me getting old already and probably wishing to retire soon, and needing someone to continue my work from where I have left it. What an insult it was - I’m only 63!
Rurik: Damn that idiot, we need to do something about him.
Feodor: Shall I cut his throat my liege? Like in the good old times, remember?
Rurik: No, not this time, I need him for breeding.
Feodor: Sigh, a pity.
Rurik: Just throw the bastard in jail.
Good. I'm eventually going to have to let him out but let's make sure we can profit at least in some way from this.
Vasilko: Please, please let me out I was just kidding with you all!
Rurik: You should be glad I didn’t impale you or throw into the sea for this.
Vasilko: I never really planned to kill your son! It was all just a bad bad joke!
Rurik: Fine, I’ll let you out on one condition:
Vasilko: Anything!
Rurik: You’ll stop yapping about that spy thing immediately and never mention it again.
Vasilko: I promise, I promise! Oh thank you brother!
Let's hope that'll keep him in check for a while.
Hmm... my wife, who resides over 1000 kilometres to the north, gets pregnant while I am fighting the savage Georgians.
Usually I would get dubious about this, but I trust my wife. It
could be just an ordinary miracle, after all.
Rurik: Boris my dear half-wi... half-brother, how is the war going?
Boris: Hurrggh... Georgia kaput!
Oh come on stop frowning, you're still a King! For a while...
Excellent, thank you King Ratbag. I wonder where you got your nickname from.
Beautiful! Breathtakingly beautiful!
To think that from this day on, I shall not be ruling the smallest of the Black Sea realms any longer! But it is not enough... I still only rule a sandbox while I want a whole beach - no, my very own desert! More... more...
more!
"Daddy - can I live in a tub?"
What's wrong with cynicism? My good girl, it is perfectly fine to realise what a lousy, hopeless and evil place this little world of ours is - that way it is easier to top the charts!
Rurik: So Boris, how do you like your wife, eh?
Boris: Hurr... Boris no like... woman no want shag-shag... urmh...
Rurik: Shag-shag? What do you...?
Rurik: ...Ooooohhhh, so that's why she spends so much time with my mistresses! Wait - what a horrible thought! No - what an exhilarating thought! Just to think if I managed to catch them all in... No, Rurik, what are you thinking! They're cheating on you... but does this really count? Technically speaking if I were to oversee the act it wouldn't be. Hmm, yes, what an apt solution!
A title? You want a title? Really?
Okay.
It's a great honour! Trust me.
Ah another son, excellent. But unlike my wife, I don't want to name him after my imbecile father. He shall go by Ivan - there just happens to be something very terrible about that name, hard to say why.
Oppressive? I'm not oppressive!
Hey what is this! I thought they wanted us there! Ah, you should never trust the peasant rabble. I must send in the tanks- I mean horsemen at once!
Those are some nasty peasants right there!
Christ! They annihilated my whole army! What on earth will I do now? I must...
Where's Feodor?
Feodor?
Feodor?
Feodor...?
Ach not again! Fine, I'll pay you that 10 gold again you sly little Greek devil.
Oh damn you, you little... little... little Greek you! What now? I must find myself a new spymaster. Hmm...
Vasilko: *cough* *cough*
Yes, Vasilko? Did you have something important to tell us?
Vasilko: Oh no, just having a little cough that's all!
I see, but whom should I pick for such a delicate...
Vasilko: Ahem! *cough* *COUGH* *COUGH*
Really Vasilko, you must have caught cold. You should go put on something warmer.
Oh yes but why didn't I think of this earlier! He's perfect for the job and has been aspiring after it for a long time now. I shall of course appoint my dearest and closest of all, my own...
Vasilko: Yes!
...good friend mayor Gagiki of Tshkoumi as my new soymaster! He'll do great, I'm sure of it.