Tales from our Faarthers

[morningSIDEr]

Yes but that was a long standing family policy, really Grandfather had the basic idea and so we all just carried on doing it, and, anyway, look how well the children were brought up

Perfect justification as far as I am concerned. Only a fool would dare to argue otherwise. Also very good to see Harry takes interior decoration so seriously!

[loki100]

I love the fact that Harry's got interior decoration problems

So reassuring to find out that even the Prince of Darkness has problems with the builders

Russian bastard for a Finnish gentleman?
Unbelievable!

think this is all the consequences of my switching the primary title to Rus, the next generation are a mix of Russian and Finnish.

Perfect justification as far as I am concerned. Only a fool would dare to argue otherwise. Also very good to see Harry takes interior decoration so seriously!

Aye its a bit like family traditions in terms of opening Christmas presents, except in case the tradition is to go and bash an Estonian or Latvian.

[loki100]

Scene 1: A dark corridor

Psst, Ralphie

The Archangel Raphael to you, Gabriel if you don’t mind

Look, whatever, I mean how long do I have to stay down here?

I presume until you have done your penance and Toikka has recovered from his spear wound

But look it smells down there, and all the banging and dust

Well yes, all those boils, burning pitch, endless torment, one would expect some smell and noise

No, you see Harry reckons he needs to expand the place now he’s back on track and, also, it smells of wet paint. He wants to clean Hell up a bit, he's now convinced that if it looks neater more people will want to go there.

Well we’ll have to see, I’ll raise your concerns ...

Could you I can’t really cope with much more

So does Harry think he will claim Tuokki’s soul?

Oh yes, I’ve been given very firm instructions, he thinks that we, sorry HE, has, oh have, oh whatever, a case in terms of pride, aggression and a lack of piety.

Well lets see shall we.

Scene 2: The Courtroom

Oh hallo Hel, what are you doing here

Well we heard rumours, lack of piety, quite the little warrior, interesting to see how he died. Anyway Odin was complaining at the lack of new faces so we thought we’d see if this was one for us.

Ok, Tuokki, take us through your war with Simeon of Pereyaslavl.

Well it was simple, he was the last Prince with major holdings in Russia who wasn’t my vassal. So I decided he should be, ok he was allied to the Emperor of Byzantium, but I reckoned he already had his hands full with the Turks.



Helped of course that the Emperor had the diplomatic skills of a jelllyfish, so he stayed out of the whole thing. By this stage my coffers were pretty full and the main regiments had recovered their strength so I was able to raise around 100,000 to Simeon's 60,000. Even so if it hadn’t been for my genius we would have lost the war

Right at the start of the war my chaste, depressed Bishop had a wee accident



This increase in the number of Mongols was rather worrying. Well you know how it is, lose one Bishop, you can always find another. Though the new one was a bit concerned to save his own skin



Anyway, someone else got themselves in trouble



And another idiot got himself killed



But despite all this incompetence, I’d won by July, I made Simeon my vassal and took a couple of his more northern provinces off him:



So, heres the realm after those gains:



As you can see I even ended the war with a positive bank balance.

And then this was followed by people joining voluntarily:



Mind you that was confusing too – I never realised we had an archbishop in Moscow

At this stage the immediate royal family was working out ok:



And my 2 surviving siblings were loyal allies



My wife was pretty loyal too:



Not many of my family could say that, I mean I really was something ...

I even got really good at answering complicated diplomatic questions:





So you entered into an alliance with the Turks, who were besieging Constantinople?

Oh yes, oh you mean that New Rome stuff? Pah, fairy stories to keep the peasants in line. I mean I wouldn’t have been able to able to beat Simeon if the Byzantines weren’t busy just surviving.

Am I so glad I came for this one, He looks just our type.

What do you mean Hel?

Oh don’t worry about it Gabi, just go and reassure Harry that everything is going to be fine.

Thanks, he’ll appreciate that, I mean he really is having problems with his demon builders.

Is there a danger that Harry's extensions will be unfilled unless he pays attention? Can Tuokki really continue to be so sure of himself? This good news can't last ... can it? Can Hel make a reasonable bid for Tuokki?

[Enewald]

why is your family full of imbecils?

[morningSIDEr]

No, you see Harry reckons he needs to expand the place now he’s back on track and, also, it smells of wet paint. He wants to clean Hell up a bit, he's now convinced that if it looks neater more people will want to go there.

Harry's quite right too. I'm just waiting for the pink with yellow striped wallpaper to be put up and I'll be right down there. Oh wait, I'm already on the waiting list, comes with this line of profession...

Something is going quite wrong here though. Tuokki has half-way competent children, a loyal wife, is not horribly bankrupt and does not have Marshals accruing shocking injuries (well one has died, but...meh...)...is he a true Rurikovich?!

[FlyingDutchie]

I agree with MorningSIDEr. Tuokki looks too competent and sane to be a true Rurikovich. Therefore he must be devilspawn and belong in hell. Just look at that infernal name of him...

[naggy]

I agree with MorningSIDEr. Tuokki looks too competent and sane to be a true Rurikovich. Therefore he must be devilspawn and belong in hell. Just look at that infernal name of him...

Next, he'll befriend a Mongol.

[Stuyvesant]

Aw, c'mon! He's been at war with Byzantium and then he's betrayed them for a little fling with the heathen Turk! And he calls himself an Orthodox ruler? I mean, Byzantium, the guiding light and undisputed leader of the Orthodox world. If Tuokki had been born a Catholic, it would be akin to meeting the Pope and, rather than kissing the pinky ring, kneeing him vigorously in the balls and subsequently introducing him to his good pal Martin Luther and his friend, Mr. Nailboard.

Based on that mother of all backstabs alone, Tuokki really ought to be a Harry's President's Circle member. Of course, poor Harry will get a fair bit of backstabbing inflicted on himself (again) and Tuokki will end up somewhere else. Blame it on Gabi, I guess. Why Harry would ever trust that shifty dude enough to allow him any kind of autonomy or carry any kind of responsibility is beyond me. I guess that means Harry really is simply getting what's coming to him. Huh.

[loki100]

why is your family full of imbecils?

I think its a sort of CK thing ... no royal family is complete without its fair share of numpties and morons - quite like real life really

Harry's quite right too. I'm just waiting for the pink with yellow striped wallpaper to be put up and I'll be right down there. Oh wait, I'm already on the waiting list, comes with this line of profession...

Something is going quite wrong here though. Tuokki has half-way competent children, a loyal wife, is not horribly bankrupt and does not have Marshals accruing shocking injuries (well one has died, but...meh...)...is he a true Rurikovich?!

I agree with MorningSIDEr. Tuokki looks too competent and sane to be a true Rurikovich. Therefore he must be devilspawn and belong in hell. Just look at that infernal name of him...

I sort of played him as a bit brutal, essentially very competent, somewhat in love with his own genius. Don't worry normal service will be resumed very soon.

In game terms its interesting how much the realm has recovered with the second, relatively long lived, relatively competent, ruler in succession. Too good to last.

Next, he'll befriend a Mongol.

Well he gets very close to some Mongols later on

Aw, c'mon! He's been at war with Byzantium and then he's betrayed them for a little fling with the heathen Turk! And he calls himself an Orthodox ruler? I mean, Byzantium, the guiding light and undisputed leader of the Orthodox world. If Tuokki had been born a Catholic, it would be akin to meeting the Pope and, rather than kissing the pinky ring, kneeing him vigorously in the balls and subsequently introducing him to his good pal Martin Luther and his friend, Mr. Nailboard.

Based on that mother of all backstabs alone, Tuokki really ought to be a Harry's President's Circle member. Of course, poor Harry will get a fair bit of backstabbing inflicted on himself (again) and Tuokki will end up somewhere else. Blame it on Gabi, I guess. Why Harry would ever trust that shifty dude enough to allow him any kind of autonomy or carry any kind of responsibility is beyond me. I guess that means Harry really is simply getting what's coming to him. Huh.

He was prepared to risk a war with Byzantium as they were allied with Simeon but they declined to join in the war. However, Tuokki has a bit of a map fetish and those Byzantine provinces in the Ukraine and Crimea rather offend his sense of order

As above, I reckoned that he was too enthusiastically brutal to really bother much with religion. His wars are sort of mafia hit jobs (nothing personal) compared to Kettu's mass murder and personalised assassinations.

Anyway on with the tale ....

[loki100]

Scene 1: On the borders of Asgard

Hel, over here

Hallo Astarte what …

Ssshh, quick, do you really want Tuokki?

Yes, he seems to fit, pretty irreligious, often at war, essentially quite pleasant, sort of our type really

Good

Why?

Well Harry now thinks the rebellion is over and all is well (more accurately, its as utterly awful as usual down there) and he can concentrate on his renovation plans. If Gabi fails to land Tuokki that will create more chaos. I mean with all these male deities around, us sisters have got to stick together

Not least, you should see the colour scheme he's using - its magnolia and its already showing all the stains.

Scene 2: The courtroom

Raphael leads the questionning

Ok Tuokki, so you beat Simeon but that wasn’t the end of your wars?

Oh no, you see the N Ukraine was still split between independent rulers and an area owned by Byzantium. I decided I’d deal with the Byzantines later, so first was the single county of Pronsk, but the main goal was the ugly grey blob of Ryazan – I mean who wants to live in a country coloured grey?



Anyway the war was pretty easy, the only real event was finding that Ukko’s bastard, sort of my uncle, had gone all weird and pagan:



Could cope with that, but he wasn’t very good either.

And by April 1185 both realms were safely back in the bosom of mother Russia. It did start to all look so much better:



So can we be clear, you waged a war to ‘make the map look nicer’ and ‘grey is such a horrible colour’?

Yes, and to reward my loyal vassals. Anyway I didn’t really want to go any further east, or much further south, so the focus was on the Baltic and Poland.

But the problem of making a nutter like Simeon your vassal became obvious, not that I was unhappy at the chance to bash Hungary, after all this was a chance for revenge for the death of Izyaslavl, Mstislavl’s father a century or so ago:



Of course despite now being at war with 25-30,000 Hungarians, Ilya felt the need for greater challenges, especially as someone had referred to his dubious parentage



And then the war with Hungary sort of drifted to an end, we had little to gain and most of their army was dead, so it was ceasing to be much fun and I settled for:



The place was even infested with typhoid, but my new vassal certainly had a rather dinky coat of arms



He died pretty soon, presumably of typhoid, but my new Hungarian duke, Samuel, came looking for some good Rus blood to improve his lineage



So, just for clarity, 'running out of Hungarians to kill' is a good reason to make peace?

Of course, was becoming a bit hard to sustain the war. Anyway in preparation to more land grabs in the Baltic I made myself eligible to be Prince of Prussia …. Always good to plan ahead

Indeed, so we have one war ‘to make the map nice’ and one ‘to kill some Hungarians’?

Yes, and even whilst I was at war tosh like this turned up



As if anyone from our family could even be so gullible

However, even though I was having none of this nonsense, it seems there was some sort of religious revival amongst the kids



This piety thing even spread to the bishop



Who fairly promptly went and died


Well Ivan might be doing well as a soldier, but one fears for his social graces



However, Paivi continued to give cause for concern, her desire to burn heretics was wrecking her administrative skills



Ivan's unrequited love affair damaged his martial zeal:



And then Boris spent too long listening to his sister



Anyway I wanted a bigger Palace, so:





It also seemed a good idea to produce some more children, after all once that is finished it’ll need filling up.



Especially as Boris was getting worse



Gabi, is there anything you want to add?

No, seems like he's definitely one for Harry, I mean we have pride, lack of respect for religion, wars on dubious grounds.

Hel?

Well he could be ours you know, he's not exactly full of religion, think it'll come down to how he dies.

How will Tuokki deal with the religious revival in his family? Which part of the map needs to be corrected next? Is the demonic revolt just smouldering for the moment?

[Enewald]

Maybe you should start a new religion?
You have enough apostles in thy court.

[FlyingDutchie]

If you wish to correct something, work on that ugly blue to the east.

[Stuyvesant]

One thing's for sure: Tuokki doesn't feel that he has anything to hide or be ashamed of. Everything is just super and perfect. In this day and age, he'd be a successful motivational speaker (albeit one with a closet full of skeletons).

Oh, except that his children seem to be trainwrecks. One wonders why he'd want more, given the overwhelming evidence that his offspring are a bit lacking, one way or another.

Mind you, if any of the heathen bashing munchkins ever make it to the throne, it should make for one merry ride.

Loved the Hungarian war and its reasonings. If "Going to war with X is a good idea because it allows us to kill some inhabitants of X" counts as a proper casus belli, then the rest of the world better start quaking in its boots.

[morningSIDEr]

I've been hugely impressed by Tuokki's justification for war too. In order to sort the map out correctly, paint it the right colour and gain more vassals with dinky coats of arms. The man is clearly a genius.

[Iain Wilson]

Running out of Hungarians to kill is always a valid reason for ending a conflict.

[loki100]

Maybe you should start a new religion?
You have enough apostles in thy court.

The next King is very into religion... but I've been rather disappointed that I've not had the religious madness events so far despite this collection of puritans-in-the-making

If you wish to correct something, work on that ugly blue to the east.

Ah my sane kings have worked out that the money lies in a Baltic orientated expansion, unfortunately Boris, who is up next has a more religious view about ensuring that Russia is completely Orthodox. The problem with wandering East is that we all know whats coming from that direction

One thing's for sure: Tuokki doesn't feel that he has anything to hide or be ashamed of. Everything is just super and perfect. In this day and age, he'd be a successful motivational speaker (albeit one with a closet full of skeletons).

Oh, except that his children seem to be trainwrecks. One wonders why he'd want more, given the overwhelming evidence that his offspring are a bit lacking, one way or another.

Mind you, if any of the heathen bashing munchkins ever make it to the throne, it should make for one merry ride.

Aye, I sort of worked out that his character was pretty brutal but also quite affable in a way. So he's got up to all sorts of stuff, for what he thinks are good reasons, and he's got no particular hang ups about it.

But yes, as above, Boris, shall we say alters things a bit.

Loved the Hungarian war and its reasonings. If "Going to war with X is a good idea because it allows us to kill some inhabitants of X" counts as a proper casus belli, then the rest of the world better start quaking in its boots.

I've been hugely impressed by Tuokki's justification for war too. In order to sort the map out correctly, paint it the right colour and gain more vassals with dinky coats of arms. The man is clearly a genius.

Running out of Hungarians to kill is always a valid reason for ending a conflict.

The Hungarian justification I lifted from a rather bonkers alternative history book called 1066 and all that. It purports to be the only history of Britain that ignores the unmemorable stuff (like dates, it has only 2). There's a section to the end on the various Victorian Imperialist wars and each is given a reason and an outcome. The reasons get shorter to the end so the war against the Zulus is described as being caused by the existence of the Zulus and being ended by their extermination (the book was written in the 1930s when you could still be so honest about the goals and dynamics of empire).

Last bit on Tuokki up soon and then I have a problem. I've had a mass of short term contract work which whilst paying the mortgage has hindered my game play time, and Boris is insisting on living for quite a while. So there may be a gap whilst he rearranges the deck chairs all across Russia and we have more mongol problems.

[loki100]

Scene 1: Outside the main palace in Hell

Harry is inspecting the building site and arguing with some builder-demons as to the location of a hole in the ground

Harry can I speak to you?

Yes of course, Astarte. I wanted your opinion in any case on where to place the new barbecue pit. You know, a women’s insight … that sort of thing.

Well you ignored my advice about the colour scheme so why now, equally, why do you want one in any case?

Well so we can chill out on a sunny evening after a hard day formenting evil and torturing the damned.

But Harry, Hell has no sunshine … it’s a sort of design feature.

Ahh … well that’s ok, we’ll just burn a few of the damned as torches, could be quite romantic really.

Don’t get any ideas, remember the last time you got frisky

Oh sin you mean, yes that was maybe not such a good idea[1]

Anyway, I also want your view on this range of avocado coloured bathroom furniture. I'm going to install it in some areas of level 3 (sins of vanity)

Uggh, (sounds of retching)

So you’re either pregnant or you don’t like it?

I’m not pregnant and I don’t like it. Why?

Oh I’m slowly training up a small squad of demons who will infest major cities about 800 years from now and we’ll lure humans into installing these things in their houses.

Whatever … look have you paid any attention to what Gabi is doing to get hold of Tuokki’s soul.

Not much, these builders need most of my time and in any case what can go wrong? We know that Raphael is imposing some degree of order and on top of everything to date, we have:

He packs his eldest daughter off in marriage to a lusty bishop – on the grounds “that’ll teach her the real meaning of religion”



He found it funny that his brother’s bastard Oleg was all upset about something



Whilst his own bastard, Ivan was wailing about being unlucky in love



And then he married him off to the Byzantines, on the grounds “it’s a sort of family tradition to inflict our bastards on them, after all we take on their crazed women”



After a while he got bored with the family and wandered off to capture Memel. This also allowed him to get into a war with Poland, on the grounds they were Polish and this was a way to end up with less of them





And in the course of this, had himself crowned King of Lithuania



Yes, Harry that’s all very good, but how did he die?

In … oh damn I’d better get up there

Scene 2: The Court

Harry bursts in the door as Raphael’s sonorous tones finish reading out the sentence:

“in particular we note you died in battle, admittedly a needless one, but a battle nonetheless



As a result of this, your general activities, boasting and lack of piety, we sentence you to Valhalla. If you’d like to go with Hel and the ladies with long golden hair and the large, large …, well you can see what is quite large. And, finally, remember to drink responsibly, your liver now has to last eternity”

Oh Harry, good to see you, you seem surprised?

No, that’s ok Ralphie

The Archangel Raphael if you don’t mind

Ok, well if you’ll excuse me, Gabi come on, I need someone to light the barbecue.

1 - check out the end of Book 2 of Paradise Lost

Will Gabi survive Harry's barbecue? So the next King is into Piety, its all got to go so well doesn't it?

[Stuyvesant]

Good luck with the contract work. I think you'll find that there is a (grudging) understanding on these boards that real life commitments do come before forum time.

Harry is really turning into the protagonist of this story, isn't he? I mean, the Rurikovichs are a bunch who vary from somewhat-endearing-yet-idiotic to utterly-psychotic-and-idiotic, but Harry's a reliable constant: always scheming, always failing.

Perhaps he'll get a measure of revenge from dealing with Gabi, but given the way Gabi's outsmarted him in the past, I am more inclined to expect yet more disappointment for Harry from his barbecue shenanigans.

[Enewald]

The first Finn in Walhalla?

Sounds better than heaven.

[KaiserMuffin]

Haha. Yes, perfect.