Half-Dan “the Man” Gunnarsson Crovan
King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)
Ruminations on the middle years, 1236-1240
I sent my heralds off to all the minor independent lords of Finland with very nice gift baskets and nice cards offering them all the rights and privileges of native Lords of Norway, so long as they bow down and pay homage to King Half-Dan the Man as their new lord and master.
Kajanaborg saw which way the wind was blowing and wisely decided to sign up with Norway before the plundering begins. He, apparently, was the only Finlandian to notice the big Norse army sitting around in Osterbotten with nothing better to do.
Count Eystein of Satakunta was not so far sighted as his neighbor. I guess I could have mentioned this earlier, but I’ve decided to add Finland to my realm.
This is for two critical reasons:
First, if I don’t, Lithuania will and they are strong enough already.
Second, it looks kind of easy.
And boy was it ever easy! I’ll bet Eystein wishes he had paid closer attention to my heralds now.
I’ve decided to give Satakunta away to Mathieu the Ill-Spelled. I could keep it myself, of course, but it would seem the conquests of the last few years have made my vassals jealous, mostly because they only wish they were half as bad as their King.
Nevertheless, I’m going to have to sit in Norway for a while and keep an eye on things.
Great-Grandpa Skofte was right. Vassals suck.
Word has reached us that the IlKhans are making another attempt to invade the Turks, which kind of reminds me: wasn’t I at war with the Mongols? I wonder whatever happened to them? You never hear about those guys anymore.
When you are three and a half feet tall, you take advantage of any offers you get from the ladies. Besides, many excellent vassals, marshals and other courtiers are Bastards of Kings.
Unfortunately, my son Havard the Bastard is not exactly the child prodigy I was hoping for.
Wow. Deja-vu!
I had another daughter as well. Not that it matters. I probably won’t even bother to tell you when she gets shipped off to a nunnery, or nannies, or whatever. You also will probably never hear about her growing up and getting married off to some random 60 year old man at court – maybe a marshal or steward, but possibly to the moron with the 2 intrigue who keeps insisting he deserves a chance to be Spymaster – just because it isn’t worth the effort to go out and hunt down a possible husband who might actually be able to give her the good things in life and maybe even make her happy. You will also probably never learn about her multiple marriages to the aging courtiers, as she bounces around from one dying geezer to another until she is fortunate enough to finally die of a horrible disfiguring disease herself. No, you will never hear about these things because they are awfully depressing to think about, which is why I never think about my daughters and you never hear about them.
The burghers demanded the wretched peasants stop selling their homemade “crafts,” disgusting food, and broken junk masquerading as antiques in the town squares. Frankly, I agree as the smell from my altitude is intolerable. Instead, they are ordered to take their flea-bitten wares back to the miserable countryside. I have commissioned a set of rural “markets” where the flea-bitten savages can sell their crap to one another and leave the rest of us alone.
The Papal Nuncio arrived spreading annoyance and dread as usual. Once again, the Pope has made the request that a Crovan drop everything and declare war on the Turks, the mightiest empire in the world, in order to seize an indefensible scrap of land several thousand miles from home.
I told him I’d think about it.
Hmmm…do Half-Dan’s vassals think he is a Bad Boy? Maybe so…what else could explain the dropping of the conquest of Finland. And how about that Papal Nuncio – another crusade…will Half-Dan be tempted or will he fall back on the old Crovan stratagem of beating up on the local heathens? The fate of Norway (among other places) hangs in the balance on the next exciting episode of