And Now For Something Completely Different

That barely has anything to do with Monty Python. But I just had to make my protest sketch against the source of all evil, the tv-shop commercials. I freaking hate them!

Aww, is simply the cutest smilie ever! Just look at him, how can anyone not smile when one sees

JimboIX: Those graphics are actually taken from the very same sketch I was copying. I think I should have taken the gem that is "alter saddle" but decided to stick with those 3. They do give a more dramatic effect, maybe I should use more non-game pictures to spice this AAR up.

Lützow: Monty Python works with everything. Take "cheese shop" for example. I swear that Microsoft has taken a hint or two from it for their customer service.

Lord E: Good that it worked out. I think Indonesian restaurant worked nicely as the reason of Malayan revolt.

killer50: I haven't actually seen that one before. It was quite funny. Not their best work, though.

And Spanish Inquisition will hopefully give a visit in a form of something.

Grubnessul: When you have seen the sketch 100 times, you kind of know they are coming.

But everytime when I see one of those sketches, I pray that they won't come. 100 times it has failed but I hope someday they will leave the sketch alone.

By the way, I see you have taken my quote to your sig. I am flattered.

Duke of Wellington: Let us hope not. The previous revolt wave was a pain to suppress with the French and all breathing down my neck.

But he has a character with potential to be used again.

*Stadtholder Johan and general Paulus Wirtz discuss about the state of Dutch Army*

Paulus: I am a bit concerned about our military, my Stadtholder.

Johan: Our army is at its height Paulus! We defeated the large coalition of Louis XIV, we suppressed the colonial revolts!

Paulus: Look outside, my Stadtholder.

*A Dutch company is having a training*

Officer: Squad! Camp it up!

Company: *marches forward* Ooh, get her whoops. *Turns left* I’v got your number, ducky. You couldn’t afford me, dear *feminine handmanouver* Two three. I’ll scratch your eyes out. *everybody puts their right arm on the shoulder of the soldier next to and starts sort of a can-can performance* Don’t come the brigadier bit with us dear you we all know where you have been you military fairy *company turns around and marches to starting position in a feminine manner and then turns left* Whoops, dont look now, girls, the major just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant. *Stops* Two, three oooh-ho.



Johan: I think you have a point, Paulus.

Paulus: Oh no, not them, my Stadtholder. They are our elite unit! Look further.

*Another Dutch company is drilling*

Officer: YOU LAZY BASTARDS! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE DUTCH ARMY!!! NOW WHAT WE ARE GOING TO IS TO MARCH UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE! THAT IS, IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER DO THAN BE MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE! WELL?! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN MARCH UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE?! YES, VAN BASTEN, WHAT IS IT?

Johan: Doesn't look that bad, now does it?

Odd Mongolian looking guy: Yes it does.

Van Basten: Well, honestly I would rather be at home with my wife and kids.

Officer: WOULD YOU!?

Van Basten: Yes, sir.

Officer: RIGHT, OFF YOU GO! EVERYONE ELSE IS HAPPY WITH MY LITTLE PLAN? MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE!?

Van Der Sar: Sir, I would have a book I'd like to read.

Officer: Go then. NOW, IS EVERYBODY ELSE CONTENT WITH JOINING MY SCHEME OF MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE!?

Cruiff: Well sir, I am learning to paint.

Officer: LEARNING TO PAINT?!?!?!

Cruiff: Yes, sir.

Officer: AND I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO PRACTISE? MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

Cruiff: No.

Officer: RIGHT, OFF YOU GO! HOW ABOUT THE REST OF YOU? RATHER BEING DRAWING PICTURES, WOULDN'T YOU?

Soldiers: Uhm, yes.

Officer: ALL RIGHT! OFF YOU GO, ALL OF YOU! I SHALL PROCEED TO MARCH UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE MYSELF! ONE TWO THREE! *starts marching alone*

Johan: There, take these 25 ducats and save the Dutch military. I shall go shopping for new clothes with these 500 ducats here.

This is something that just shouts "use me!" But I think that update was a bit shallow.

thrashing mad: I bet you haven't. Atleast it ought to be my own work. But the very fact you considered it was made by Pythons makes me know I succeeded with it.

JimboIX: It is not hard. Get a fabolous six-pack and team up with true hottie and then repeat your product over and over again. That works with tv-shop, atleast.

Duke of Wellington: Sure it is. It has no single flaw and it works to everything. Just like everything else on tv-shop.

I liked that part most, too. It really summed up my frustration against those commercials.

*In Johannes Vermeers atelier, the artist is thinking by his table about his newest masterpiece*

Johannes: Hmmm, by mixing up green paint with orange paint I can create a very interesting colour contrast for autumn colours for this new painting. But then again, it would give the people beneath the trees a very surrealistic look. Hmm, what if I brighten the shadows a little bit so the true of beauty of human body can be seen.

*suddenly room fills with smoke and 3 men charge in shooting their pistols once, grabbing the table and Johannes along with it with them and fleeing from the place*

Johannes: But by highlightning the people beneath the trees they will put the astounding and hypnotizing beauty of the trees to shame. Hmm, what a dilemma. Maybe I should try mixing orange and red with tiny bit of green to create beautiful, yet realistic look for the trees but still not over-shadowing the people?

*at this point the men have reached outdoors*

Johannes: And what colour should I use for the beautiful gothic church? It has to look mighty, yet vulnerable, cruel, but still gentle, impressive but yet modest.

*The men put Johannes and his table on wagon and they start riding towards capital*

Johannes: And the river! What kind of blue should I use for it? I want it to look cold to create perfect balance with the beauty of autumn colours. Hmm, maybe I should mix a bit of brown with the dark blue to create the sense of cold and evil river. It has to symbolize Devil that is being guarded by the gentle and warm but yet so cruel and cold church that symbolises God and christian faith. And the autumn fall symbolises mans last beautiful years before death while watching the children play beneath you. And I need to add few birds to the skies symbolising mans liberty to decide about their own lives. And also showing the value of peace. And as a beacon of hope for the afterlife and eternal joy. Oh, and a waterfall to the end of river to symbolise the other option, eternal damnation.

*Men arrive at the palace of Stadtholder Johan and carry Johannes in*

Johan: Hello there, Johannes. I have heard that you are considered by many as one of the greatest living artists of our time. A number of your works rank among the most famous in existence.

Advisor: (whispers) You stole that speech from that sign over there, didn't you?

Johan: Shhh. Now Johannes, I need your help to decorate our churches in proper fashion. We want to show the world our wealth!

Advisor: (whispers) We belong to reformed church that doesn't believe into decorated churches. Actually, I believe our reformist brothers in Switzerland would get upset and cancel our precious alliance.

Johan: Oh, then we shall not show the world our wealth. But I want more decorations to our churches! Why do you think people would even go to church without something good to look at, other than that beautiful girl next door?

Johannes: So in the end I think the mixture of green, blue and yellow fits best for the colour of Bible shop that symbolises the materialisition of the society and the downfall of christiniaty.

Sorry sir, you were saying?

I think that is my best one to date. I kept quite faithful to actual sketch but still was capable to poke "civilized" people who find all kinds of absurd meanings in paintings. And I really like the way I was able to put that "his efforts will be admired throughout the nation" in with that reformist church thing.

And by the way, my last testweek starts next Wednesday so I believe no more updates for some time.

killer50: Actually I had only seen one of those, this "stolen newsreporter" I just used. Will look into others soon.

JimboIX: With this one picture per update - speed they shall continue for a long while.

Duke of Wellington: It is one of the most absurdily funny sketches I have seen, along with fish-slapping dance. The bottom one from the "The Meaning of Life" is not that funny, though. The whole movie was a disappointment to me.

Velasco: Thank you. Yes, I have all my colonies left. I lost few colonial cities during the French war but due to them being cities they were unable to grab them. Also I beated all rebels so no colonial losses there either. But it was close with the French.

*In the court of Stadtholder*

Johannes: Well, here is one of my new religious works, my Stadtholder.

Johan: I can only see a small child crying. How is that religious?

Johannes: You see, my Stadtholder, that these tears on her face symbolize the downfall of Catholic church in the 15th century and...

Johan: All right, all right. I didn't expect such Dutch mercantilism.

*3 men storm into room*

Chief Merchant: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is fear...

Merchant: He said Dutch mercantilism.

Chief Merchant: Oh right, I am sorry for misunderstanding. Lets come again.

*they go out of room*

Johan: I certainly didn't expect such Dutch mercantilism.

*3 men storm into room*

Chief Merchant: NOBODY expects Dutch mercantilism! Our chief weapons is Jews and ships, ahh two weapons! Our chief weapons are Jews and ships and our charm. Ahh, our THREE weapons are Jews, ships and our charm and almost magical ability to lower trade prices. Ahh, FOUR WEAPONS. Amongst our weaponry are such elements as Jews, ships, charm and our almost magical...Ahh, damn, come again.

*they go out of room*

Johan: *bored* I didn't expect such Dutch mercantilism.

*3 men storm into room*

Chief Merchant: NOBODY expects Dutch mercantilism! Our chief weapons are Jews, ships, charm and our almost magical ability to lower trade prices and our nice fancy uniforms. Oh damn! *whispers* I can't say it, you have to do it.

Merchant: What?

Chief Merchant: You have to say the bit of "our chief weapons are"

Merchant: I couldn't do that!

*they go out of room*

Johan: I am not going to say anything...

*3 men storm into room*

Merchant: Nobody expects the...Dutch mercantilism. Uhhh, our weapons...

Chief Merchant: Chief weapons.

Merchant: Our chief weapons are...uhmm..Jews, ships and uhmmm...

Chief Merchant: Charm.

Merchant: Charm and our uhm...almost magical ability to lower prices.

Chief Merchant: Merchant two, read our offer!

Merchant two: Today on this most holy day we offer our services to you, oh great Stadtholder, to take control of the trade in Asia to provide you, my greatness, a huge boost to income.

Chief Merchant: Hey, that didn't go all that bad. In original sketch it was way worse.

So, how do you answer?

Johan: Uhm, yes!

Merchants: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Chief Merchant: Nobody says "no" to merchants! Nobody and you shall testify it!

Ohh, you said yes?

Take this , Finnish school system! No more oppression for 2 and a half months! I am free!

JimboIX: Just wait until I take my obligatory art courses next year, you get even more professional artistical nonsense.

Duke of Wellington: I am not sure. I believe not. I am not sure if I even have it in this game.

SirruShan: Those are some of my favourites too. I just fancied one of them as you can see.