You conquered Hong Kong?
That was an real surprise.
But so was the rock. :rofl:
Matilda must die, I assume.
That was an real surprise.
But so was the rock. :rofl:
Matilda must die, I assume.
-
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BFF's!
Gunnar III has pretty awesome stats for a retard
Kind of an idiot savant? Maybe that's Kennet's stats.
Well, well... We've had (and grown accustomed to) wanton violence, all the poop jokes a sane person could handle and the occasional bit of cruelty, but I don't think we've ever before plumbed the depths of smut quite as comprehensively as Foppington does.
Sadly, the homage is lost on me. It must have been pretty darn good, if it served as the foundation for this epic.
I liked the footnotes: they're both informative and entertaining!
And speaking of entertaining, Gunnar the Coprophage is shaping up nicely. Stoning his little five-year-old brother! In a church! During his father's funeral! And thinking it's funny!
I'm hoping for a short reign for Gunny (because I'm looking forward to Dagmar), but it will be entertaining in its sheer idiocy.
Indeed, idiocy is the operative word here. And thanks, I wanted Foppington to break some new ground, and boy does he!
I'm also lost as to the source of the "homage" myself. Maybe you could set us up w/ a link?
Too bad the Crovans didn't keep Byzantium; Gunnar Koprophagos would have made an epic-sounding (if somewhat disgusting) title.
Furthermore, why does something tell me that during Gunnar's reign, the new Designated Royal Pastime will be "banging two bricks together"?
At any rate, here's to a short-yet-highly-amusing reign for Gunnar!
General_BT already provided the link...I've quoted him in this reply so hop on oer from there! RGB's Russian MegaCampaign has the most detailed conversion I think I've ever seen and his attention to detail and careful work are first rate. I highly recommend both parts of his epic.
I shudder to think what will befall little Bard!
That's the one! (and thanks!)
Ha! Glad you liked it!
Kind of a surprise to me too!
A poem worthy of the Iliad no less...
Indeed. Homer is sooo jealous!
1623-1627: DFACS would like to have a word with Mr. Gunnar Crovan, no doubt.
Huh. Not much said about the disappearance of wife number 1. I wonder how the medical miracle that is wife 2 will fare? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
Gunnar III Eriksson Crovan
Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the East and West Vikings and of the Skraelings, Lord of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful King of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.
In Which Gunnar Scales A Tree
(10 September 1623 – 12 July 1627)
Emperor Gunnar III, Imperial Chancellor Kennet Haraldson and General Erik Amundsen were sitting in a large tree.
“Sire, I do wish you’d listen to me. Skraelingia has been without a Vice-Roy for several years now and that most profitable land could be made even more so if we just had the right…”
Gunnar hissed at his Chancellor. “Damnit Kennet, if you can’t talk quieter I swear I’ll push you right out of this tree. I don’t know why I even let you come along!”
Kennet sighed. “Sorry sire,” he whispered, “it’s just that General Amundsen here would be perfect for the job. He rose to command of the Army of Scotland on Merit alone! Having started out as a lowly commoner and musketeer in the pathetic Skraeling Militia. I think a man of his determination…”
“Tsst. Quiet! This is it!” Gunnar cut off his Chancellor.
Below, a boy was walking alone in the Imperial Gardens. Occasionally, he stopped, studying the insects he saw along the way. Finally, he sat down beneath his favorite tree, producing a book (The Saintly Life And Deeds Of Emperor Gunnar I) and began to read.
“Sire, what are you doing?” Kennet almost mouthed the words.
“Ha! Rock to the Head!” Shouted Gunnar, throwing a rock at his half-brother.
“Ow!”
The boy cried out in pain before passing out.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Oh God! That was AWESOME! AHAHAHAHA!”
“Yes. It’s as funny as the last 27 times you did that, sire. I’ll go fetch the Imperial Doctors”
Erik had been watching and listening carefully. Now, he felt he understood the monarch.
“You know what would be even funnier sire?”
“If you peed on him.”
Gunnar froze mid-laugh. This thought had never occurred to him. But its brilliant simplicity was mind-boggling.
“By Olaf, sir, that is genius! Kennet! Weren’t you babbling about a job vacancy or something? Give to this guy!”
Erik nodded his head. He’d called that right. “Your Imperial Majesty, I am eternally grateful.”
“Oh man! This is going to be great!”
The three men climbed from the tree. As Gunnar pulled down his pants, a matronly shout was heard from across the gardens.
“Gun-Ner! What are you doing to that poor boy! You come here this instant!”
“Great Aslak’s Ghost! Is that your new wife?”
Gunnar shrugged. “Yeah, the other one died and Dagmar insisted on picking her replacement. I was pretty surprised when this new one got pregnant.”
“Really? You consummated the marriage?”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing sire. I beg your leave to prepare for my new assignment.”
“Yeah whatever.” Gunnar was rushing. He wanted to finish before his new wife could stop him. She was so not fun.
Meanwhile, in Crown Princess Dagmar’s apartments
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Olaf preserve me. Who knew securing my succession would be so annoying.”
“By Olaf’s Boils, that child is loud!”
“Well, tomorrow the nannies come for him, Peder. I don’t have to see him again ‘til he’s 16, so try to ignore it.”
“I’ll do my best.” Marshal Torsson winced. “So, why did you want to see me?”
“Well, this kid needs a father and, since no one believes he’s a devil’s son and no one believes that Foppington could be the real father, I need noble parentage for him. There is an Imperial Consort title for you if you agree.
Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the East and West Vikings and of the Skraelings, Lord of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful King of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.
In Which Gunnar Scales A Tree
(10 September 1623 – 12 July 1627)
Emperor Gunnar III, Imperial Chancellor Kennet Haraldson and General Erik Amundsen were sitting in a large tree.
“Sire, I do wish you’d listen to me. Skraelingia has been without a Vice-Roy for several years now and that most profitable land could be made even more so if we just had the right…”
Gunnar hissed at his Chancellor. “Damnit Kennet, if you can’t talk quieter I swear I’ll push you right out of this tree. I don’t know why I even let you come along!”
Kennet sighed. “Sorry sire,” he whispered, “it’s just that General Amundsen here would be perfect for the job. He rose to command of the Army of Scotland on Merit alone! Having started out as a lowly commoner and musketeer in the pathetic Skraeling Militia. I think a man of his determination…”
“Tsst. Quiet! This is it!” Gunnar cut off his Chancellor.
Below, a boy was walking alone in the Imperial Gardens. Occasionally, he stopped, studying the insects he saw along the way. Finally, he sat down beneath his favorite tree, producing a book (The Saintly Life And Deeds Of Emperor Gunnar I) and began to read.
“Sire, what are you doing?” Kennet almost mouthed the words.
“Ha! Rock to the Head!” Shouted Gunnar, throwing a rock at his half-brother.
“Ow!”
The boy cried out in pain before passing out.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Oh God! That was AWESOME! AHAHAHAHA!”
“Yes. It’s as funny as the last 27 times you did that, sire. I’ll go fetch the Imperial Doctors”
Erik had been watching and listening carefully. Now, he felt he understood the monarch.
“You know what would be even funnier sire?”
“If you peed on him.”
Gunnar froze mid-laugh. This thought had never occurred to him. But its brilliant simplicity was mind-boggling.
“By Olaf, sir, that is genius! Kennet! Weren’t you babbling about a job vacancy or something? Give to this guy!”
Erik nodded his head. He’d called that right. “Your Imperial Majesty, I am eternally grateful.”
“Oh man! This is going to be great!”
The three men climbed from the tree. As Gunnar pulled down his pants, a matronly shout was heard from across the gardens.
“Gun-Ner! What are you doing to that poor boy! You come here this instant!”
“Great Aslak’s Ghost! Is that your new wife?”
Gunnar shrugged. “Yeah, the other one died and Dagmar insisted on picking her replacement. I was pretty surprised when this new one got pregnant.”
“Really? You consummated the marriage?”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing sire. I beg your leave to prepare for my new assignment.”
“Yeah whatever.” Gunnar was rushing. He wanted to finish before his new wife could stop him. She was so not fun.
Meanwhile, in Crown Princess Dagmar’s apartments
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
“Olaf preserve me. Who knew securing my succession would be so annoying.”
“By Olaf’s Boils, that child is loud!”
“Well, tomorrow the nannies come for him, Peder. I don’t have to see him again ‘til he’s 16, so try to ignore it.”
“I’ll do my best.” Marshal Torsson winced. “So, why did you want to see me?”
“Well, this kid needs a father and, since no one believes he’s a devil’s son and no one believes that Foppington could be the real father, I need noble parentage for him. There is an Imperial Consort title for you if you agree.
Huh. Not much said about the disappearance of wife number 1. I wonder how the medical miracle that is wife 2 will fare? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
- 1
That's a great promotion, based on the highest qualifications.
Gunnar's wisdom will in time be legendary.
Gunnar's wisdom will in time be legendary.
Amundsen shows an impressive ability to observe, learn and implement. He should do well as the next Viceroy of Skraelingia, especially considering that he'll be left alone to get on with it. He'll never be another Birger, but he should be competent.
That said, his lack of morals is a bit tut-worthy. Climbing the ranks over the back of an unconscious 5-year-old? Oh well, what can one expect from anyone who rises to high office in Crovania? It takes a special kind of person, after all...
So Dagmar and Foppington... and offspring?!? Mindboggling to the extreme. I just never thought they were each other's type - love conquers all, it seems.
Waiting to see how Dagmar's scheming reaches fruition. I can't figure out why Dagmar would saddle Gunnar with a new (previously impregnated) wife, unless it's a subtle ploy to pre-emptively illegitimize any future offspring from this union. Not that it sounds as if Dagmar has much to worry about any offspring from Gunnar...
That said, his lack of morals is a bit tut-worthy. Climbing the ranks over the back of an unconscious 5-year-old? Oh well, what can one expect from anyone who rises to high office in Crovania? It takes a special kind of person, after all...
So Dagmar and Foppington... and offspring?!? Mindboggling to the extreme.
I just never thought they were each other's type - love conquers all, it seems.Waiting to see how Dagmar's scheming reaches fruition. I can't figure out why Dagmar would saddle Gunnar with a new (previously impregnated) wife, unless it's a subtle ploy to pre-emptively illegitimize any future offspring from this union. Not that it sounds as if Dagmar has much to worry about any offspring from Gunnar...
As good as always, although I'd love to see more of the wonderful character that is Foppington.
[Disappears back into Lurker's shadows]
[Disappears back into Lurker's shadows]
Laughed out loud at the peeing bit. Top quality as always
ThanksAll in good time!
Better watch that Amundsen... I don't trust him at all...
He is, indeed, a crafty one.
Indeed it shall. He's quite progressive you know.
Amundsen shows an impressive ability to observe, learn and implement. He should do well as the next Viceroy of Skraelingia, especially considering that he'll be left alone to get on with it. He'll never be another Birger, but he should be competent.
That said, his lack of morals is a bit tut-worthy. Climbing the ranks over the back of an unconscious 5-year-old? Oh well, what can one expect from anyone who rises to high office in Crovania? It takes a special kind of person, after all...
So Dagmar and Foppington... and offspring?!? Mindboggling to the extreme.
Waiting to see how Dagmar's scheming reaches fruition. I can't figure out why Dagmar would saddle Gunnar with a new (previously impregnated) wife, unless it's a subtle ploy to pre-emptively illegitimize any future offspring from this union. Not that it sounds as if Dagmar has much to worry about any offspring from Gunnar...
Yeah, guess that would qualify as a mis-directing cliff-hanger wouldn't it? (The Dags/Fop union, that is)
Me too...unless he dies. Then I'd like to see less, as he will get to smelling.
1627-1630: Charles I could learn from Gunnar's bold action
Aannnd…that’s 3 wives down, for those of you counting a home. Who takes the fall? Will Gunnar marry and impregnate another doomed lady? What about Amundson? Was he introduced solely for the pee joke? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
Gunnar III Eriksson Crovan
Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the East and West Vikings and of the Skraelings, Lord of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful King of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.
In Which Parliament Is Called
(12 July 1627 – 17 February 1630)
Marshal Peder Torsson and Crown Princess Dagmar were talking over some wine.
“So wait. Foppington isn’t the father?”
“Oh he talks a good game, but when I disrobed before him, he got all flustered, his face turned red and he passed out. Else he would have been.”
“Well then who is?”
“One of the grooms. Do you remember Torgill?”
“Oh yeah! He died didn’t he? Fell down a well I think.”
“He did. Anyway, I need a suitable father for my child. You would like a boost to your career. Marry me, claim the child for your own, and rule an Empire!”
“Well, what about Foppington? I can’t have some dandy hitting on my wife all the time?”
“Do with him as you like. Do we have a deal?”
“You know…I think we do.”
At that moment, an excited knock on the door!
In burst Empress Margaret, radient.
“Oh Dags! Have you heard! I am with child!”
Dagmar was shocked. “What? I thought you were barren? Isn’t that why King Fernando of Sicily divorced you?”
Under her breath she muttered. "Olaf be damned, my brother is a rabbit."
“Well, I thought I was, but here! The Lord has blessed me!”
“Does Gunnar know yet?”
“Why no! Dags is my closest friend here, so I thought I’d share it with her first!”
Peder nodded, grabbing the Empress in a hug. “Congratulations,” he enthused as he hurled her bodily out the window.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH*”
…
“You’re good.”
Peder just shrugged.
Having noticed all the “cool Kings” instituting Parliaments, and not fully understanding their meaning, Gunnar has decided to hold one of his own, calling together an August Body of the greatest landed Lords, the most powerful Burghers and Merchant-Bankers, and several of the most influential Artists, Philosophers and Religious Figures. It was the first Parliament in the whole history of the Crovan Empire…
Later
“Wow! That did not go well at all! Thank you for your help Marshal Torsson. Now then, I can’t take the blame for that. We’ll need a good scape-goat.”
“I know just the man, sire.”
Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the East and West Vikings and of the Skraelings, Lord of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful King of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.
In Which Parliament Is Called
(12 July 1627 – 17 February 1630)
Marshal Peder Torsson and Crown Princess Dagmar were talking over some wine.
“So wait. Foppington isn’t the father?”
“Oh he talks a good game, but when I disrobed before him, he got all flustered, his face turned red and he passed out. Else he would have been.”
“Well then who is?”
“One of the grooms. Do you remember Torgill?”
“Oh yeah! He died didn’t he? Fell down a well I think.”
“He did. Anyway, I need a suitable father for my child. You would like a boost to your career. Marry me, claim the child for your own, and rule an Empire!”
“Well, what about Foppington? I can’t have some dandy hitting on my wife all the time?”
“Do with him as you like. Do we have a deal?”
“You know…I think we do.”
At that moment, an excited knock on the door!
In burst Empress Margaret, radient.
“Oh Dags! Have you heard! I am with child!”
Dagmar was shocked. “What? I thought you were barren? Isn’t that why King Fernando of Sicily divorced you?”
Under her breath she muttered. "Olaf be damned, my brother is a rabbit."
“Well, I thought I was, but here! The Lord has blessed me!”
“Does Gunnar know yet?”
“Why no! Dags is my closest friend here, so I thought I’d share it with her first!”
Peder nodded, grabbing the Empress in a hug. “Congratulations,” he enthused as he hurled her bodily out the window.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH*”
…
“You’re good.”
Peder just shrugged.
Having noticed all the “cool Kings” instituting Parliaments, and not fully understanding their meaning, Gunnar has decided to hold one of his own, calling together an August Body of the greatest landed Lords, the most powerful Burghers and Merchant-Bankers, and several of the most influential Artists, Philosophers and Religious Figures. It was the first Parliament in the whole history of the Crovan Empire…
Later
“Wow! That did not go well at all! Thank you for your help Marshal Torsson. Now then, I can’t take the blame for that. We’ll need a good scape-goat.”
“I know just the man, sire.”
Aannnd…that’s 3 wives down, for those of you counting a home. Who takes the fall? Will Gunnar marry and impregnate another doomed lady? What about Amundson? Was he introduced solely for the pee joke? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
- 1
Another one down, literally...
Good that the castle of Viken has many windows.
Hmm, that Parliament might have worked, but would not really have altered the functions of Crovan Empire.
Good that the castle of Viken has many windows.
Hmm, that Parliament might have worked, but would not really have altered the functions of Crovan Empire.
The whole sequence with the parliament was really well done. From august beginnings to utter chaos to summary mass executions in under two minutes!
Marshal Torsson is showing the kind of quick homicidal thinking that is the hallmark of the truly great rulers of Crovania. If he and Dagmar actually make it to the throne, there'll be a global reign of terror. Either hope your gameplaying skills are up to the challenge, or see that it never comes to pass.
So Gunnar's second wife (AKA the Battleaxe) was dead before she could even make a second appearance? Dagmar doesn't waste any time, does she?
*As I was typing her name, I hit the wrong key and instead of 'Dagmar' wrote 'Dahmar'... Freudian slip?
Yes, that sounds much more in character... Shame, the Foppington/Dagmar* angle could've offered some really surreal comedy. As it stands, it sounds like Dagmar just signed a death warrant for poor Foppo. He wil be missed....
Marshal Torsson is showing the kind of quick homicidal thinking that is the hallmark of the truly great rulers of Crovania. If he and Dagmar actually make it to the throne, there'll be a global reign of terror. Either hope your gameplaying skills are up to the challenge, or see that it never comes to pass.
So Gunnar's second wife (AKA the Battleaxe) was dead before she could even make a second appearance? Dagmar doesn't waste any time, does she?
*As I was typing her name, I hit the wrong key and instead of 'Dagmar' wrote 'Dahmar'... Freudian slip?
Foppington, clearly, is about to be given reasons to pass out another time.
That's no way to treat a poet you know. It's madness.
That's no way to treat a poet you know. It's madness.
Heh, a parliament? Knowing the Crovans, if I were invited, I would have just seconded the Gunnar's motion, just to avoid death by torture.
That definitively was one of the greatest defenestrations yet. And the parliament was a great idea, very funny.
I've caught up, and wow! This was HILARIOUS! I especially loved the most recent one...
I kept on clicking "skip into movie" and nothing happened :-/
I was hoping to get to the executions...
I was hoping to get to the executions...