Scene 1: Harry is marching Peresvet through the gates of Hell.
Peresvet is complaining and Harry doesn’t seem too happy either
It wasn’t fair, they would not listen to any of my explanations. Its as if all I ever did was commit suicide.
Look, you’re not happy, well I’m not either. I’m trying to collect the after-life’s best collection of the truly bad, mad and psychotically deranged … let me tell you, I’m losing out badly, even Odin who’s semi-retired has done better than me for the last 200 years … and I end up with you.
Right this is yours
Points to a tree
Peresvet looks at the tree
Look just get in there – that’s your punishment, you are now to be a tree for all eternity.
Scene 2: Peresvet is in his tree, things are not looking good when he hears a tapping sound.
Well done boy
Who’s that
Oh can’t give out names, secrecy, security you know that sort of thing, but I’d be your great great great great grandfather. Anyway we’d noticed you’d managed this really neat killing:
I mean brilliant choice, superb execution, and you got away with it, you’re just the sort we want.
Who are we?
Later boy, first we just need to check you out.
How many more killings did you do?
Just the one
That’s not really enough, any aggressive wars?
No, I was attacked by the Mongols twice
Sounds good, and …
Well they were taking over the lower Volga region
Then they attacked
They attacked you?
Yes
Oh thats not so good
And in the war we won some big battles
And that ended the first war
Well, ok you killed a lot of Mongols, but you let your vassals take all the gains, not good boy, not good enough
And then they attacked again led by
Hah, even Ukko could have beaten him, ok and what else, I mean I know you can only massacre whats put in front of you ...
[1]
well we did kill a lot of Mongols
And come the second peace, they were left with
Well why did you stop, you seem much too keen on peace
Oh lack of money, and I was worried about my wife
Mind you, my brothers really wanted to carry on the war
Ah, ok, I really don’t think you fit in with us
But could you get me out?
Oh yes, easy, but you’re not really the sort of murderous reckless lost soul that we need. See we’re plotting to take over Hell, and then … well can’t tell you any more.
See it would have been a bit more impressive if you'd been like this one, him we'll recruit when he dies:
Bye
So is Kettu also plotting to take over Hell? Does Astarte know? Does Harry care? Are the Mongols ever going to find a decent king?
1 - is, of course, the first football related comment in the AAR