The Vienna-Liège Marathon! (EU3 Demo)

[AmbassadeBelgie]

Welcome to

THE VIENNA-LIÈGE MARATHON!!!​

(briefbriefbrief (two-year) EU3Demo AAR)

Beginning in the growing town of Vienna, one King's army will have to travel from his capital city to the Bishopdom of Liège in less than two yearsss!

By the end of those two years, both Liège and Vienna must belong to the same country, and that country must be at peace for victory to be announced!

So ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO!!!



__________
Game Specs:
VeryEasy levels, and time set on the quickest setting.
Notice this AAR consisted of my first time playing EU3 ever so most details were new to me and I based myself on EUII concepts (except that of BadBoy, since in two years...hey what could happen?)

 

[AmbassadeBelgie]

The setting is a quiet European World on the dawn of 1492, and in his unsurmountable stubbornness, Austrian King Friedrich V would stop at NOTHING to win the race.

Austria, 1492

Immediately King Friedrich trained himself as commander of his armies (5000 men), let his clerks spend all the country's money on land tech and minting, and then set off, in the general direction of Liège.

Lucky for him, most of the path was already traced by his forefathers. Only two obstacles stood before him and glory: SWITZERLAND, and LORRAINE.

Lorraine loved him, of that he was certain. Why, she had even given him flowers on New Year's Eve- oh God that was only yesterday night!; if he could ask her for military access NOW was the time!

Since the poor messenger dude was going to trace so much land, the King thought, he might as well stop by and beg Switzerland the same thing!

But Switzerland saw this opportunity for King Friedrich to glorify himself and his ""Empire"", and was determined to stop it from hapenning.

We shall do everything in our power to ensure you have a safe and comfortable journey, said his dear old girl Lorraine.

NO EFFIN' WAY responded Herr Switzerland, the heir to the throne. Already Switzerland (or Switz for short) had placed his troops defensively in his capital, for he knew of King Friedrich's obstination!

King Friedrich found out too late that Switz had a signed declaration from Austria (it MUST be forged, or they gave him a reefer or something, cos HE didn't remember signing the trash!)...
And had he known sooner he still would have warred, so it made little difference.

The world now hated Austria and Switz felt so goddamn popular.

So King Friedrich (Freddy) sent cavalry up ahead, to hassle the troops of Switz' and himself if fortune obliged...

Suddenly Freddy remembered.... In mid-January he'd singed a posse-declaration with the Bavarians to his North...They'd be useful in cutting the retreat short, and routing Damn Switz and his army of miscreants back onto his cavalry's blades!!

It didn't take long to see, though, that Freddy was on his own: Bavarian scum, they were, and they'd decided for peace instead of war, at the expense of Freddy's get-glory-quick scheme of the race to Liège! Buttheads...

 

[AmbassadeBelgie]

Freddy suddenly remembered. Switz loved making switzy watches that always stay perfectly accurate and planned. So Freddy decided to bugger Switz by occupying the whole of his country while Switz and his little soldiers slept on Breisgau (a stepping-stone of Austrian land between Lorraine and Tirol).

So now he felt so he decided "i gots da upper-hand, now i's gon stay dis ways fo' months and months and months!"
And that's just what he did.

Until one day,

Yay shouted Freddy! He'd forgotten about the regiments he was cooking and buying (one imported and one home-made little gingerbread soldier in Brussels).

Liège went all, like, w00t and when Freddy (who still slept in the Swiss Alps drinking their cheese and eating their milk) drew a picture of the Bishop's face on a scribbled hangman game, with the letters Y O U I S D E D under it...

He wasn't even in Belgium yet but Freddy wanted to get the conquering criterion over with. All he needed to do, in the end, was walk to Liège, remember?

 

[AmbassadeBelgie]

Then he crapped in his pants, cos the Switzy army had caught up with him and was now challenging his right to wear crapped pants!

He was all like WTF but Switzy wanned revenge for Freddy having broken all his Switzy watches (which he wanted to sell as machine parts three-hundred-and-fifty years later in a different game), and so- crappy pants and everything- Switzy killed Freddy.

Suddenly there came Freddy Jr. aka Leopold VIII of Austria. Now this guy, he was smart, and I mean smart like he can count how many beans you gots in your hand before AND after throwing some away! He was, like, da Bomb! So he didn't come down to the battlefields, he just sat in his Royal Carriage spitting at the stinky peasants as he rolled through the countryside.

But EVERYONE (even the peasants) said this guy was way more IN than Freddy, and so Leopold (Freddy J(r.)) went on holiday in Tirol, skiing until his butt was blue.

You can imagine then how Freddy J felt when he heard his troops had made the Switzy troops blue in the butt too!

And so he said "Switzy, u dumb*ss mutha*** yous gots in ma way fo' da las' time. Kneel and suck my 8==. And so he did:

It took Freddy J two more suckings before he'd finished the race his Big Daddy set himself up for:

The Liègeois sucking,

And the Köllner sucking (they were allies nobody knew about)

But because only a few months were left and he needed peace to win, Köln didn't have to do the wax'n'polish verision like Switzy did. Instead he just had to pay 50 bucks for losing the st00p3d bet... (Köln had a piece of inaccessible landlocked land to the East, argh!).





But all in all, the result was fabulous. Freddy had begun the struggle, and the prize was bestowed upon his son Freddy J.

A BEAUUUUTIFUL ROAD NOW EXISTED BETWEEN VIENNA AND LIÈGE, AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER (or at least until the BB Points catch up)!

END

 

[unmerged(59737)]

That was an odd AAR.

 

[AmbassadeBelgie]

Purposely

 

[stnylan]

Worth a few chuckles, at any rate.

 

[Sling Shot]

Eh? :wacko:

 

[AmbassadeBelgie]

:rofl:

 

[Moltke]

Interesting "race" ... :rofl:

 

[Flooper X]

:rofl: fun