That was a rather unexpected twist. Good update though, and an interesting view all in all. And thank you for the clarification.
And no, I wasn't yesterday.
And no, I wasn't yesterday.
de Forez
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"Sir?"
"Sir?!"
"SIR!"
"What?"
"Sir, I need to talk to you."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm the advisor."
"The advisor?"
"The advisor."
"And what do you do?"
"I give you advices."
"So do you have a name?"
"Not that I remember, but you can call me Ad."
"Ad is an english name."
"And?"
"The English are evil."
"We're in hell, being evil is good."
"Than the English are not evil."
"Than call me Àdes."
"That's ok Àdes. So, why are you here?"
"The narrator has sent me."
"Why?"
"You need help."
"And you, Àdes, can help me?"
"Yes, I'm in direct contact to the narrator, and he told me writing Àdes sucks, and we'll keep Ad from now on."
"Ok. And why has he sent you?"
"Fanpost."
"Fanpost?"
"Are you an echo or what? I already told you. Here they are." He reads the letters to Guillaume.
"The first one is from Veldmaarschalk, he says the AAR is strange but funny."
"What is an AAR?"
"That's how the readers in 21st century call your writings."
"I have readers in 21st century? Cool."
"It goes on, he also says you should change the date in the beginning of your writing."
"Why?"
"It says 1095-1005."
"And?"
"The time doesn't flow backwards. And you weren't even born in 1005."
"I've always been bad with dates, I was even late to my own marriage. Tell him it will be corrected."
"The next one is by stynlan. He says the update was good but unexpected."
"Thanks, but what does he mean with unexpected."
"That wasn't meant to you but to the narrator. And he told me he didn't expect it himself but thought about the AAR and just had to write it when he had this idea."
"But I write this 'AAR'."
"No you don't, he writes that you write it."
"I don't get it."
"I already thought you wouldn't."
"Oh, and he wants to give you his gratulation, stynlan."
"Specialist290, Personguyfellow, welcome on board. Hope you'll like it."
"And now let me some time for the next part, answering fanpost takes a lot of time."
"One thing I don't understand Ad, who is this narrator guy, how's his name and why does he have that much power?"
"He's the devil, or at least he has allmighty powers in this AAR and there's not much of a difference anyway."
"And how's his name?"
"I don't know, but he calls himself CSK."
"Wow, this name sucks!"
"Sir?!"
"SIR!"
"What?"
"Sir, I need to talk to you."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm the advisor."
"The advisor?"
"The advisor."
"And what do you do?"
"I give you advices."
"So do you have a name?"
"Not that I remember, but you can call me Ad."
"Ad is an english name."
"And?"
"The English are evil."
"We're in hell, being evil is good."
"Than the English are not evil."
"Than call me Àdes."
"That's ok Àdes. So, why are you here?"
"The narrator has sent me."
"Why?"
"You need help."
"And you, Àdes, can help me?"
"Yes, I'm in direct contact to the narrator, and he told me writing Àdes sucks, and we'll keep Ad from now on."
"Ok. And why has he sent you?"
"Fanpost."
"Fanpost?"
"Are you an echo or what? I already told you. Here they are." He reads the letters to Guillaume.
"The first one is from Veldmaarschalk, he says the AAR is strange but funny."
"What is an AAR?"
"That's how the readers in 21st century call your writings."
"I have readers in 21st century? Cool."
"It goes on, he also says you should change the date in the beginning of your writing."
"Why?"
"It says 1095-1005."
"And?"
"The time doesn't flow backwards. And you weren't even born in 1005."
"I've always been bad with dates, I was even late to my own marriage. Tell him it will be corrected."
"The next one is by stynlan. He says the update was good but unexpected."
"Thanks, but what does he mean with unexpected."
"That wasn't meant to you but to the narrator. And he told me he didn't expect it himself but thought about the AAR and just had to write it when he had this idea."
"But I write this 'AAR'."
"No you don't, he writes that you write it."
"I don't get it."
"I already thought you wouldn't."
"Oh, and he wants to give you his gratulation, stynlan."
"Specialist290, Personguyfellow, welcome on board. Hope you'll like it."
"And now let me some time for the next part, answering fanpost takes a lot of time."
"One thing I don't understand Ad, who is this narrator guy, how's his name and why does he have that much power?"
"He's the devil, or at least he has allmighty powers in this AAR and there's not much of a difference anyway."
"And how's his name?"
"I don't know, but he calls himself CSK."
"Wow, this name sucks!"
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Part V: 1105-1115
"Sir, if I may give you an advice, you shouldn't waste your time on your son."
"What do you mean?"
"You need to kill Tierri this year, and Geneve is dirt poor."
"I don't understand what this has to do with killing Tierri."
"He needs 59 Ducats for it."
"I told him he shall do it himself."
"Yes, but he wants to be paid for it."
"It's his own money."
"He knows that, but he said he won't do it for less than 59 bucks."
"Wow, my son is an idiot."
"What did you expect, he has been brought up by you."
"Ad, sometimes I want to kill you."
"We're already dead, you can't kill me anymore."
"So what is your advice?"
"You have a grandson in Gedauvan. He can do it, he has money."
"My son is a poor idiot and my grandson swims in money? Something's really wrong in this story."
"Yes, you are the main character." Ad mumbled, but Guillaume heard it anyway and kicked him into the nearby lake of fire.
"Man, that hurts!"
"No it doesn't, you just believe it does."
"So Lenin got you? He tells that joke every newcomer, tell me does this hurt?" Ad slaps Guillaume's face.
"Yes."
"Then you can't just believe it does."
"You're right, Lenin lied to me!" Ad now broke off laughing and fell into the lake again. As he came out of it again he said, still laughing
"You believe everything one tells you, right? Of course you don't. Your brain just needs some time to learn it. Intelligent people need just some days, but others need years. How long are you here, five years?" Ad again fell off laughing.
"If I'm so stupid, why do you need me then?"
"For some undefined reason even the narrator doesn't know you're the only person in hell to go back to earth. And now go to your grandson and tell him to kill Tierri."
Alberic ran faster. He had to get to the place. It called him. He actually only wanted to find some mushrooms in front of his castle walls, but he shouldn't have eaten those red ones. Now he felt this strange calling. Suddenly it stopped. In front of him stood a man.
"Are you an angel?"
"Do angels have horns? And do these wings look like angel-wings?"
"Father, is that you? Are you a demon?"
"I'm a demon, but why do you think I'm your father?"
"You look like him and have his voice. And I expected my father to go to hell."
"Wow, be happy I won't tell your father. But you were close, I'm your grandfather Guillaume."
"Must lie in the family then. What do you want?"
"You don't scare the hell out of you?"
"No, should I?"
"Yes dammit, you should!"
"But I don't. So, what do you want?"
"I want you to kill your relative Tierri. He's your neighbour, you must know him."
"I was sure you'd say this."
"Why?"
"Arnaud was here, he told me you'd come and tell me to do this."
"And now you're on his side and want to fight us."
"What? No. I told him angels are loser and he should fuck off. I'm on your side."
"You mean I shall kill him like that?"
"Yes. Just write your name under this one and our spymaster will make the work."
"Why don't you do it?"
"I'm too lazy."
"It worked. But we were discovered, is that a bad thing?"
"No, it just means we lose prestige and piety. You can use prestige for claims, but we don't need claims since for some strange reason the narrator made a rule not to make war. And you ask a demon if you need piety? You go to hell anyway, so why need piety?"
"So being excommunicated is nothing bad?"
"Of course it is, we still need the power of having land. If you are excommunicated everybody attacks you."
"Why?"
"Game mechanics."
"But this is real life!"
"Yeah, sure."
Meanwhile Tierri came to heaven.
"Hello son."
"Yeah, hello. We've seen each other anyway yesterday. I have to kill this little bastard, then I come back."
"You can't come back if you kill him, then you will go to hell."
"That is worth it."
"There's another problem."
"Yeah?"
"As long as the kid is younger than fourteen, it's the parents fault."
"So it wouldn't even be revenge if I'd kill him?"
"Yes. You see, it's best you stay here in heaven with me."
"Than it would be revenge if I'd kill Pons instead?"
"Yes it would, why?" But Tierri already wasn't there anymore.
"Pons, so we see again. Die you bastardson of a bastard with a bastardchild that killed me!"
"Wow, bad last words."
"Uh..."
"What is it?"
"My father, he is dead. I can feel it. Tierri has killed him. It's all my fault." Alberic broke off crying.
"No it's not my boy. It's mine."
"Hello boys."
"Father?"
"Uncle?"
"Where are we?" Pons asked.
"You've always been slow Pons, this is hell."
"Hell? But father, aren't you an angel?"
"I never said I was. I just never said I wasn't either. But too be clear this is only 12th century hell."
"12th century? You mean there are more than one?"
"Of course. Hell is a catholic institution. You know how many people go to hell? Every non-catholic, plus every person that ever had sex outside of marriage, that killed someone, used a condom etc. The terms are so hard, only the absolute losers go to heaven. Even Jesus is in hell."
"Now you lie, Jesus can't be in hell."
"He is, the later conservatives thought he was too much of a hippy and banned him to hell. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. So there were so many people, we just had to create some more hells than one to let them all in. And that although hell is an infinite space."
"That makes no sense."
"You're absolutly right, but it sounds cooler than to say it's one hell separated by century only by space. You could walk all the way to the creation of mankind, but it would take long and in the end you only see what you already had known. And now, please come with me."
So they went for hours. Tierri and Pons had a dispute all the time while Guillaume was singing.
"Where do bad folks go when they die? They don't go to heaven where the angels fly They go to the lake of fire and fry. Won't see them again 'till the fourth of July." And so on and so on.
"It's all your fault Pons. If your stupid bastard wouldn't have killed me the world would be perfect by now."
"No, it's your fault, you killed me. And you wanted to make the world even more boring than your stories about how great it was to read the bible."
"I never said it was great to read the bible, I said the bible was great!"
"There's no difference."
"There is!"
"No there isn't!"
"There is!"
"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU OR I'LL SEND YOU TO THE KZ!"
"What is a KZ?"
"You'll see if you're there."
"Sir, if I may give you an advice, that's only in 20th century hell."
"Ad, where are you coming from? Kids, this is Ad. He's my advisor."
"What is an advisor?"
"Not again..."
"Nothing you have to know. Now Ad, I never told you I have good relations to Lenin. And you know they always need new volunteers for the KZ. It's hard to get those."
"Even then it will be hard."
"Not if we say they are kids of a french peace activist and a polish partisan."
"
, sir, you can't do that. This would mean infinite pain for endless times.""I know. So guys, just shut up. We're going to Dshingis."
"That's all your fault, Pons."
"No, it's yours, Tierri!"
"Yours!"
"Yours!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH. UP TO KZ YOU GUYS GO!"
"Wasn't that a bit harsh sir?"
"It was, but I had to do that. This youth just annoys me. And they deserve it."
"Nothing can stop us now. Arnaud has lost and I have won. Now we can go back to normal things."
"No, we can't Alberic. Tierri's daughters still live and will marry in some years. They know about us and tell their kids."
"But they're on my court. I could kill them or just not marry them away."
"No you can't. Etiquette wouldn't let you."
"And? I go to hell anyway!"
"There's another reason. If you kill them the narrator has to think of other enemies for us."
"And that's bad?"
"That's very bad. It could mean he bans you from this story. Then you will cease to be. You will not exist anymore and we will forget you."
"So what do I have to do?"
"Let them marry if somebody asks for them and then start to fight and kill their kids until the narrator has some other evil, oh sorry, I meant good, family to fight."
"Nothing more than that? Ok."
"Sir, the narrator called me. He said he wants us to stop here until tommorow and write the rest on monday."
"Ok, but why?"
Meanwhile in Graz. "Hey Aaron, first not drunk day since Friday, we should drink on that."
"Yeah, you're right."
"So, what's the most evil thing we can do Ad?"
"I have to search the checklist before I can really say this, but I guess the best thing is to do nothing."
"Why is doing nothing the most evil thing we can do?"
"The world screws up itself, even if we do nothing."
"That would be too easy."
"And you couldn't write about that."
"Right. So now get the checklist."
"That's the checklist?"
"Yes."
"Why is it written in this old style letters?"
"Looks cooler and fits the story more."
"And this on a perfectly white paper?"
"You know how hard it is to get pergament in 21st century?"
"No."
"It isn't, but that's just an excuse for the narrator being lazy, but he'd never admit that."
"If he's the one who writes, and he writes that, doesn't he admit to be lazy?"
"Uhmm.... no?"
"One thing I don't get, why is it evil to create Burgundy?"
"Ah, the twelvers, no knowledge of history. If you create Burgundy, Austria will get it. Everybody knows that the Austrian are the most evil people in the whole world. And they'll get Spain later on, which leads to America and later to the creation of the Netherlands in what is today called Lower Lorraine."
"And what has Burgundy to do with that?"
"Nothing. But we'd never admit it, and just pretend we're the reason for all world wars. Also this would weaken the Germans."
"And that's a good thing?"
"Of course. Otherwise Dshinghis will lose in the Russian plains."
"What does Germany have to do with Russia?"
"They're a tad bit early."
"You mean..."
"Yep, they're invading Poland!"
"Am I the only one to think they somehow have a Poland fetish?"
"Nah, that's been proofed by scientists."
"There's only one problem with your plan. Alberic won't be able to marry for the next four years. This means I have nothing to write about!"
"You're in hell, you can't say here's no action going on. And you have some special powers to just go to earth everytime you want. You could just go to other countries meanwhile."
"What should I do? I can't cheat my wife, can I? Grandfather!"
"Yes?"
"What's the most evil thing I can do in such a situation?"
"Get a bastard and tell your wife it's her child."
"But she won't be pregnant. She will know it can't be her child if she doesn't give birth to it herself."
"Then tell her the child somehow came into the body of the woman on your court."
"And you think she'll believe that?"
"If the 'virgin' Mary could trick her husband and tell him god had made her pregnant without even having sex with her, you can do this too."
"You're right, that's what I do. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Of course she didn't believe him. Those 12th century girls are not as stupid as a peasant in some village. I knew that when I told him to do it, but I wanted to know if he'd really do it. His wife nearly killed him. But that was worth it.
Our neighbours break free. They feel strong enough to survive between France and uber-Germany. Days later they find out they aren't and run back to France. That was so clear.
You want to know what I did in this time? I was on the British Isles. I saw how Ireland was created and united in 1105. I saw how England didn't manage to take Scotland for more than twenty years, only because they had land somewhere near Jerusalem. I saw how Wales managed to lose land to some sheikdom and never took it back although they were independent and had no allies. And the Irish took their first Scottish provinces. This all happened while my grandson got only kids over kids.
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"So, let's see, fanpost huh?"
"First one without only smiley is by Veldmaarschalk, he added a 'great stuff' to it."
"Wait, he's dutch, and he calls this 'AAR' great stuff? May I ask on what the narrator is writing this story? Let me see the next one. I seem to be allmighty? Don't think so, I try to, but I'm not."
"Sir, that was not said to you but the narrator."
"How am I supposed to know that?"
"You could let me read them."
"Never. Ok, next one is by St... St... St..."
"Stynlan sir."
"I'm french! How should I be able to pronounce a word without an accent and at least two useless letters? Ok, Stýnláunes means this is called breaking down the fourth wall. You mean like that Stýnláunes?" Guillaume runs around three walls, fourth he runs directly into and falls on the ground.
"It's ok, nothing happened. But it didn't work."
Ad slappes his hand against his head. "I'm surrounded by idiots. No sir, that was a metaphor. It means the narrator says you're not real."
"Oh, yeah? Well maybe my readers are not real!"
"There's only one problem, you are a french from 12th century. You can't know stereotypes of dutch smoking 'stuff' all the time. There was no such thing in 12th century. And even if there was some you couldn't know about that, in fact you will probably never have heard about any dutch before you came to hell."
"But...but...but maybe we're just in an alternative reality with the narrator as godlike creature!"
"Nope, just characters of a story. Sorry to say that, but we're both not real."
"If we're both not real, how can we talk to each other?"
"The narrator is writing us to talk to each other."
"Where's the difference to an alternate reality he is godlike?"
"I don't know. But anyway, update's coming!"
"First one without only smiley is by Veldmaarschalk, he added a 'great stuff' to it."
"Wait, he's dutch, and he calls this 'AAR' great stuff? May I ask on what the narrator is writing this story? Let me see the next one. I seem to be allmighty? Don't think so, I try to, but I'm not."
"Sir, that was not said to you but the narrator."
"How am I supposed to know that?"
"You could let me read them."
"Never. Ok, next one is by St... St... St..."
"Stynlan sir."
"I'm french! How should I be able to pronounce a word without an accent and at least two useless letters? Ok, Stýnláunes means this is called breaking down the fourth wall. You mean like that Stýnláunes?" Guillaume runs around three walls, fourth he runs directly into and falls on the ground.
"It's ok, nothing happened. But it didn't work."
Ad slappes his hand against his head. "I'm surrounded by idiots. No sir, that was a metaphor. It means the narrator says you're not real."
"Oh, yeah? Well maybe my readers are not real!"
"There's only one problem, you are a french from 12th century. You can't know stereotypes of dutch smoking 'stuff' all the time. There was no such thing in 12th century. And even if there was some you couldn't know about that, in fact you will probably never have heard about any dutch before you came to hell."
"But...but...but maybe we're just in an alternative reality with the narrator as godlike creature!"
"Nope, just characters of a story. Sorry to say that, but we're both not real."
"If we're both not real, how can we talk to each other?"
"The narrator is writing us to talk to each other."
"Where's the difference to an alternate reality he is godlike?"
"I don't know. But anyway, update's coming!"
Part VI
Ah, screw the one update all ten years. You want to know what happened from 1115-1125? Nothing. Absolutly nothing. Even less than that, the children got older, that's it. Not much to talk about, right? Ok, so let's continue to 1126, when the little Ives, you maybe remember, he's the bastard Alberic wanted his wife to think he was her child born in another womens body nobody strangely remembers, yeah, think you know who he is. He asked if he'd rule some day. His father did what all loving good caring fathers would do, he told him to shut up or else he'd sent him to a KZ. As there was none he told his son bastards would never rule, except maybe in England, all is possible there.
One year later Alberic died on the pneunomia he caught somewhere in late 1125. Again a twelve year old child was on the throne. I say again as he was the third in line of this family, getting to rule with twelve.
You might want to know what happened to Alberic meanwhile. I haven't seen him since he came here, but he has written me a letter. You know, the 20th, 12th century problem. He's Lenin's advisor now. They grow old so fast, one week ago only minor noble of some land nobody knows, and now advisor of the Devil of the 20th century hell. Hey, why am I no advisor of some Devil?
"Because you have better things to do, also I am your advisor already."
"You mean I'm a Devil?"
"No, but you could get one."
"Really?"
"No."
"Awww."
So you ask what I was doing while that all? First I had a discussion with Dshinghis if we should build KZ' in our hell so we don't need to send all annoying sons to 20th century one. Yeah, that really took twenty years. Really, you can believe me. As we got drunk every second day we forgot all we were talking about and discussed it again and again. Not really much done while these years, huh?
Well, ok, after twenty years it got boring and I looked after my great grandson how he was doing. Didn't look that interesting, so I went to see how Ireland was doing. And it was taken by heathens! Poor Ireland, but what could I possibly do? Well, I could do something, first I had a look on the map.
"The dark blue down there in Ireland is all what's left of it. The other colours are all bad heathen oppressors. The white is the even more heathen even worse oppressor of Damascus, who destroyed all Ireland and even took southern Scottish lands. And the orange are even worse even more heathen lands of..."
"Sir, that are the English."
"Yeah, you're right. The orange are the worst most heathen lands of the Arnaud-loving English!"
"So what was your plan?"
"My plan? Oh, that's easy. I took over the King of Scotland and attacked the heathens."
"That's against the rules of this AAR."
"No, it's against the rules as de Forez, but I was a gaelic King of Scotland. They may do that. So I went for Damascus first. Plundered, raped, and in the end we had taken half of Ireland and southern Scottish lands after two years."
"Then in April 1138, three years after starting the war I had liberated all of Ireland, it was now again in gaelic hands and the King made himself King of Ireland too. Now I went home again as this ruler guy in our homeland had given away our lands. A bloodbath later this was cleared again."
"That's called cheating sir!"
"If a uber-demon with super powers kills of half of his family, this is called cheating?"
"Yes."
"And I may not cheat?"
"No."
"Well, I'll do it anyway. Oh, and before I forget, here are the British Isles after I left this Scottish guy."
"You don't even know his name?"
"No, should I. Anyway, he couldn't remember what he did the last years, but when they called them a hero and Emperor of all Celts, he played the game with them."
"But these weren't all the lands of the Celts."
"I know, but they thought he'd take the rest too some time in the near future."
"Guillaume, could you please kill all Savoian males in front of me so I can create the Duchy of Savoy and later on get Burgundy?"
"You mean by 'cheating' Baudoin? No, I can't do that, that would be against the rules."
"You'll get a cookie for it."
"Morale... cookie... morale... cookie. Hard decision, really. But screw morale, I'm a demon, who cares about morale there. Let's kill them all, the cookie is worth it!"
"Yay!"
"Sir, what you did was wrong."
"Ad, how did you come here? I thought only I could do that."
"I come from the narrator, he told me you still cheat. He gave me the powers to stop you."
"I've down nothing, I swear!"
"Lying won't help you, he knows everything happening in this story. You still have a chance. You must make Felisa a boy and get her to be count of Neuchatel. Then maybe he will forgive you."
"But I broke no rule!"
"You broke rule one about twenty times."
"No I didn't, there is no rule that I may not cheat!"
"Now there is:
"
"Damn."
"And now do what I told you or you'll be forgotten forever in this story!"
"So my girl, you'll be a boy now."
"But I don't want to be a boy. I'm a girl!"
"Not much longer."
"I told you I want to be a girl. A GIRL. A G-I-R-L! Got it?"
"Guess what, you have no choice in that anyway."
"Ah, the wonders of plastic surgery, I think I'll call him Felix, that's not much of a difference."
"Hahaha. Now I stay in this story!"
"Sir, how was that with no cheating?"
"I had no choice! Baudoin couldn't kill himself with a spymaster. And you only said I had to make Felix get this land, now I'm free!"
"Guess what, I lied. You'll be cut out of this story, as well as this Baudoin."
"Move on, nothing to see here. No, that's not Guillaume's and Baudion's lying on the ground dying. No, really, forget about Guillaume. He will never be in this story again. Yes, no Guillaume anymore."
"Ad?"
"Yes my boy?"
"I'm a girl!"
"Not anymore."
"If you keep on mentioning his name in this AAR, how can we forget him?"
"Ok, just forget about all that and go back to sleep. Tomorrow we have to make you Duke and keep on with our evil plan."
"You mean Duchess!"
"I mean it like I said!"
"I'll never be a Duke! I'm a woman!"
"We'll talk about that later."
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A productive little crusade. One almost wonders if taking such shameless advantage of the poor heathens isn't cheating as well
Chapter II
Part I
"Mylord, I checked it all, you're now Duke of Savoy."
"You mean mylady and Duchess, Ad."
"No, the document definatly says Duke."
"Then you got a wrong one!"
"No I didn't! The narrator says you're a boy, so you are!"
"I am not."
"Well, then what's that?"
"That's a... bastards, I'll kill you for that!"
"That was not me but Guillaume, and even if I'd have been it, I'm already dead, you can't harm me anymore."
"So Ad, you call yourself advisor, where are your advices?"
"First we should go Salic Gavelkind."
"But Gavelkind is just bad and brings us nothing, why should I do that?"
"The rules tell us to. If you are a Duke, you have to go Salic Gavelkind."
"Ha, but I'm not!"
"Yes you are, your title says Duke of Savoy."
"And now?"
"Give all titles of Savoy to useless family members and bishops."
"You mean like my uncle?"
"Yes, exactly, you learn fast boy." 'Her' look could have killed him now, hadn't he been already dead.
"And aren't we evil and go to hell? Why should I give land to bishoprics then?"
"Because most bishops just produce bastards and take taxes for things they never do. Plus they get church taxes, which means 5% more income."
"Wow, so giving land to the good guys is evil?"
"Exactly."
"Now as you can see, Felix, the light green blueish colour, we are part of Germany. That's even worse than being part of France."
"I'm Felisa, though I don't feel very lucky right now, but why is that worse?"
"Everybody knows Germans are either idiots or warmongers, most are both though, and try to use your troops."
"What did I tell you?"
"And now, what shall we do?"
"Do it like every ruler in your family did before."
"You mean like saying no long enough to run to the French crying for help so they take us as vassals?"
"I see you did your history homework, boy."
Sometime in the night, 1141, Felisa had taken over Savoy since now two years.
"Felisa..." A soft male voice somewhere in the room, Felisa didn't wake up but still continued to sleep.
"Felisa..." Still nothing. Only the constant noise of her breath in a cold night.
"Felisa!" Her breath got faster and faster, suddenly she awoke with a scream. An endless echo, as it seemed, continued her scream in the cold large castle that was called her home. Shadows were coming and going, growing and shrinking. She hadn't been that afraid since years. Since 28th April of 1138 to be exact. The day it all changed. Why should she be afraid of death, now that it would only free her from what she was?
"Felisa." Again this voice. She now recognised it was not all male, not fully grown out, like she was herself.
"Who are you?" Nothing. She waited for a minute, but it seemed more like hours to her.
"Where are you?" Again nothing, just her fast constant breathing.
"Shall I make light?"
"No!" At least, now she was sure there was someone in the room.
"Why not?" She could nearly feel it smile. No, him. The person definatly was male.
"It wouldn't make any difference. I'm in your head."
"You're in my head? Who are you?"
"I'm ther male part of personality."
"No you're not! There is no such thing as a male part of my personality. I'm absolutly and totally FEMALE!"
"You don't have to shout. You don't even have to speak. I hear what you think. And believe me, I'm your male part."
"No you are not. You are some evil demon trying to take me over! I know my ancestor could do that. And now GO AWAY!"
"I will come back, you'll see."
So years passed by and Felisa thought it all was only a strange kind of nightmare. Felisa even grew a beard, thanks to synthetic hormons. Not that hard to get them, as the whole eastern block commie doctors lived in 20th century hell, and as Ad was a friend of Alberic, who was himself friend of Lenin, it was no problem to get their drugs to the 1140's (as you might know, only Ad and G-you-know-who-I-am-talking-about can get out of hell into 'real' world.) So it was no problem to make her look as a man.
But still she didn't feel as one. She wanted to be a woman so she was, at least she said that. Nobody of course ever cared about that, as Ad now had the real control over the country. And it didn't seem as anybody would care that this guy didn't grow older over the years but still looked like a mid-thirty. As well as the fact she had killed him around hundret times by now, mostly by throwing him from the highest tower of the castle.
"Sir, I have good news for you, I have found a wife for you."
"I am not lesbian, and don't call me 'sir'."
"Of course you are not, a man can't be lesbian."
"I am a woman and you know that." With this words she slapped the door of her room and started to cry. She cried herself to sleep that night.
"Felisa..."
"Felisa..." Somewhere she had heard this voice before, but where? Something like a dejá vue happened to her.
"Felisa! Damn it, I know you can hear me!"
"You?"
"I told you I'd come back, and here I am."
"Not again. I have no schizophrenia."
"No? And what am I then?"
"I said: I HAVE NO SCHIZOPHRENIA!"
"Of course you do, silly girl."
"No I have not, I don't even have the trait!"
"Fourth wall again? Anyway, having the trait only means others know you have. I'm sure nobody does, well, maybe Ad."
"I have no schizophrenia! And now GO AWAY!"
"I won't go only because you want me to!" Felisa now slapped her head against the table and fell of the chair. Ah, the merciful darkness of death. But she wasn't dead, she still lived when she awoke, with a headache, yes, but without voice in her head. She had to be fast now, she knew what she had to do. She walked out of her room, still with not much more light than the moon, though it couldn't be that far from morning, as dawn was starting soon. Still there was some minor chance Ad could see her, so being as quiet and fast as possible was the only way to get out, to, yes, you thought so, the family chapell. Dust from two decades got into her eyes and nose, as she went into the darkness. Even less light than in her room was seen, as the only window was covered with spiderwebs. She lighted one of the old candles in front of a statue, jesus, obvioulsy, and began to pray. Suddenly she had a feeling of warmth, as a person was now in the room. The man looked older than Ad, but in it with a great kind of beauty and sympathy she couldn't describe. Somehow, she was sure this was no demon, although he looked like of her own family.
"You called me?"
"Are you an Angel?"
"Yes, my son."
"I'm a girl dammit!"
"But you look like..."
"That's all they say, you look like a boy, so you must be one. I tell you, for more than half of my life I was a girl! Until this Guillaume did this to me!"
"My brother? Where is he?"
"He's out of the story, but if you are his brother, you are Arnaud?"
"Yes my dear. Be not afraid, nothing happened that can't be changed. But this needs time we don't have, hurry up we have to go now."
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Part II
As you may have recognised, the narrator likes to change the character he's writing the story in. So now this is my story, Ad's story. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it. Remember when I told Guillaume I wouldn't remember my name? That was a lie. Of course I do, it's Ad. Better known short form is Adi. And I was born in Austria. No, not that Adi! You know how many people were called Adolf in Austria 1938-1945? Quite a lot. And you know how many of them are Nazis? Also quite a lot, otherwise the fascists wouldn't have got 25% in 1999, but anyway, I'm not, so stay cool. I'm one of this pro-monarchists. No, not the Habsburger, but any royal family I have influence on. As a matter of fact, this means pro de Forez right now.
Now that Felix was lost, I had to go with another de Forez instead. How I know Arnaud has him? We Demons smell our enemies. It's like Vampires smelling the garlic on their enemies. So now I'm searching some de Forez that is worth being my puppet, oh, I mean my friend of course. So, okay, first one to see is Rogier Raimond, we'll call him RR from now on.
As you see, he is absolutly useless for what I need. Not worth making him a friend first, bring him to kill his liege and so on, that's just a waste of time. So let's go on to the next.
That's Joan, he is RR's son. He is four, so let's just go to the next, no need to use a child for that if we still have others left.
Okay, so much to the others left, that's the last one, Bertrand, Alberic's brother. Yeah, I know he is Felix' granduncle and has not even a wife! Oh, and he has no land, so for some stupid rule, called 'game mechanics' I can't have an influence on him!
So we have a loser, a son of a loser and a 41 year old granduncle without wife. Great! But we still have a chance. We still have Felisa's second personality Felix. How I know, you ask? I was the one to give her that stuff! Do you think I didn't read the warning?
Of course I did. And I also know Felix is all her evil part while Felisa is the good one now. So all we have to do is get her and let her evil part take over. Not too hard I guess, but for some undefined reason the narrator decided I needed help from a de Forez, and as there is no good one living left, I need a dead one.
Somehow I think the narrator likes this script. Anyway, great to get free information that tells you what to do, I feel mighty now. So, Alberic it is.
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I must say that, while I'm having one heck of a time keeping up w/ the story, I'm still being amused at every turn :lol:
Nobody else here, so I, Ad, will have to answer the fanpost once again. First, Stynlan, doing crusades for other countries can't be much of a cheat, as I get nothing out of it in the end. If I hadn't done we either still had a Muslim Ireland, or, what's even worse in the eyes of a French, an English one.
Veldmaarschalk, that's exactly what I mean. We're in the medieval times! I say if a person looks like a boy, it must be a boy!
East_emnet, those "to do" lists are the best way of cheating in a story, as the narrator already knows the plot, I think. And I'm not poor, working for this family now since fourty years, and all I get is a little sissy complaining she doesn't want to be a boy! That would not have happened if women could inherit. But so, if you got no male heir, produce one. And then s/he runs away crying to your Archenemy! You know how that feels? Good. But only because I like screwing up their lives.
Specialist290, you know the combination Summerholydays + no friends in town + family currently too poor to go on holydays somewhere else than home = a hell lot of time. But I'm glad you still find it amusing.
You know, in some hours you'll get another part of the story.
Veldmaarschalk, that's exactly what I mean. We're in the medieval times! I say if a person looks like a boy, it must be a boy!
East_emnet, those "to do" lists are the best way of cheating in a story, as the narrator already knows the plot, I think. And I'm not poor, working for this family now since fourty years, and all I get is a little sissy complaining she doesn't want to be a boy! That would not have happened if women could inherit. But so, if you got no male heir, produce one. And then s/he runs away crying to your Archenemy! You know how that feels? Good. But only because I like screwing up their lives.
Specialist290, you know the combination Summerholydays + no friends in town + family currently too poor to go on holydays somewhere else than home = a hell lot of time. But I'm glad you still find it amusing.
You know, in some hours you'll get another part of the story.
Part III
"I knew you would come Ad."
"You did?"
"Yes, the KGB told me."
"When Lenin lived there was no KGB."
"But later on there was, and of course they all went to hell. Now they work for us."
"So when they told you I'd come, you know why I do?"
"No. Usually they just shoot any non member of the party, even if that doesn't work too well in hell. But they don't tell us the reasons you come here, as we don't really have to know that. So, what is your problem?"
"How do you know I have a problem?"
"People only come to me if they have problems. You know, like 'Hitler tries to conquer Hell! Again.' Or, 'Stalin was shot by the KGB, they thought he was no member.' Or 'the Polish revolt! Again.' Good news never come to me, only the really bad ones do."
"Long story short, Guillaume went on a killing spree together with your son and as you had no grandson we had to make your eldest granddaughter one. Now we need you as she went to Arnaud. You are our only chance to get her second personality to take over and go on with the story."
"Good let's go!"
Somewhere on the end of Hell.
"You know Ad, I already have a plan."
"You do?"
"Yes. We go to the Swiss border."
"Yes."
"Take a train..."
"There are no trains yet."
"No trains?"
"No trains."
"What can we use then?"
"How about a carriage?"
"Ok, take the carriage and go to St. Petersburg..."
"No St. Petersburg yet. Not in the next hundret years."
"Damn. Then what's the Russian capital?"
"Vyazma, near Moskva."
"Ok, then take a carriage to Vyazma..."
"Yes?"
"Start a revolution and create the USSR!"
"Erm, we're talking about problems in France."
"Wait a minute... yeah, this is it!"
"What?"
"We go to the Swiss border..."
"Yes?"
"Take a carriage to Paris..."
"And?"
"Start a revolution and create the PRF!"
"PRF?"
"People's Republic of France."
"So much to the sanity." What did I expect? Being Lenin's advisor for twenty years can't be good for your mental health.
"What did you say?"
"Uhm... nothing. Just let me do the part with the planning.
"Ok, where would a extremly religious girl in a male's body go?"
"What about a nun's monastery? Is there one near us?"
"Yes, the Bishoprics of Geneve, Neuchatel and Valais."
"And in which of them is she gone?"
"As the Bishoprics of Geneve and Neuchatel are installed by me, she won't go there."
"Why? Satanists?"
"Worse. They believe in the narrator."
"Now that is really egomaniacal."
"Why?"
"The narrator has his own cult in his story?"
"What's so special about that? He has godlike powers in this story. If I had, I'd had my own cult myself."
"Cows, don't count Ad."
Hours later, in Valais.
"Is this the nuns monastery?"
"Do I look like a man? Yes it is."
In a very low voice, so only Ad could hear it, Alberic said "Yes she does."
Ad tried not to giggle, but it didn't really work.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, I just remembered... uhm... yeah... good question. Alberic, what was the reason I was laughing?"
"You know, last time we went to a monastery, and the monk asked us if he looked like... like... like a woman." Breaks of laughing.
"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT?"
"Nothing."
"Didn't sound like nothing."
"Ok, we were laughing about 'manly' monks."
"But that's not the reason we are here." Ad still had tears in his eyes from laughing. "We search a man who thinks he is a woman."
"That's gonna be a long search." Alberic said, again in a very low voice. Ad again fell on the ground laughing.
"What is with your friend? Does he need help?"
"No. But I want you to see this picture."
"Yes I have seen him. He came here some weeks ago and told us he was a woman."
"And what did you do?"
"We took him."
"So he is still here?" Ad now again was standing.
"No. You see, we had him here for weeks, but I think you know how hard it is for nuns to stay in celebacy with such a great looking young man?"
Alberic said, after he had a look on the picture, again in a low voice.
"These nuns need glasses." Ad now also saw the picture and broke off laughing. He was no real help there it seemed.
"And where is he now?"
"I told him a strong young man like him shouldn't waste his time in a nuns monastery and rather go to Jerusalem to save it from the heathens.
Will our heroes arive in Jerusalem early enough? Will we ever see a picture of that nun? Do we even want to? And why do I ask you all that?
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