Real history events: Atahualpa, imprisoned by Pizarro, offered a room full of gold and double that quantity in silver for his ransom. Llamas from all corners of the Incan Empire really reached the Spaniards and delivered the metals, but Pizarro did not kept his part of the deal, charging Atahualpa for twelve crimes and hanging him. My story fantasized that if the gold did not reach its destination, the Incan, instead of worrying about fulfilling the ransom promise, could work into a military rescue that would successful release Atahualpa. The emperor, few years before, had won a big civil war against his brother, Huascar, and the people saw Atahualpa as a liberator against his tyrannical leadership. That could mean an organized leadership in the resistance against the invaders instead of the total anarchy that followed his death. Around 1607, Spain went bankrupt because of the enormous flow of precious metals coming from America, especially Incan lands, and the failure to size the Empire could benefit them, as they could develop without dependency of external pillages and could maintain his superpower status a lot longer, maybe getting them the role Great Britain did.
Today, my child, I will tell you the story of our greatest hero, Atahualpa, the Great Llama, whose story is passed down from generation to generation since four hundred of years ago. He changed the humanity and Llamanity history for centuries, and his deeds will be remembered for yet centuries to come. That’s how my father told his story for me, and that’s how I will pass it for you, so you can tell it to your children.
“I will tell you the story of my life. It’s full of adventure, lots of blood and – why not? – love. But, before I start telling it, let me introduce myself. My name is Atahualpa, son of Snail, the slow, and grandson of Finger, the stink. I am a Llama, like my father was and my grandfather before him. My family lineage come from the Great Llama Hero himself, Corn, the fool, who had the audacity to bite the emperor Pachacuti and died by the stone knife of his most brave general. My name itself is a symbol of my own bravery: my human slave gave it to me trying to show how great I am (and not to mock the emperor, as a stupid Llama friend once said).
Presentations finished, let’s start my story. I’ve grown in a corn farm inside the Grand Inca Empire, just ten kilometers from the Great City of Machu Picchu. My human slave is called Alpaca. Actually, it’s not his real name, but all of the other Llama’s slaves call them that. Some say that it’s because his mouth is always spiting when he is talking, but I know better: alpacas are weak and dumb, just like him. I mean, except Elvira, the hot… Oh Elvira! What a gorgeous alpaca. Anyway, that’s another’s day story. The life in my farm was idyllic, calm. My day started very early, alongside the sun itself, and so I worked hard all day with my fellow Llama friends and all the human slaves, so we could feed ourselves. A big part of the farms produced goods went to the greatest human empire of all known world, the Inca Empire, the land of the sun god, Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic, creator of all things. The humans draw him as a human god, but I know better: he is the Llama god, our highest and most shiny god. The life was not bad, we paid the tributes right and ate well. My human fed me with enough to satiate my belly needs and every night I could satiate my love needs with my alpaca lovers. My life was good, but I always felt that I born to accomplish great things. I was special, I knew that. And all women alpacas knew that to, as I was their preferred lover. They called me magical hoof, as they loved to feel my hoofs on top of them. Well, great times.
Anyway, everything started to change one day when my human slave and some other human men were talking about the latest rumors of the capital. Some furred, white skin, stinky men showed up mounted in giant Llamas and with fire blowpipes. That’s obviously a story to alpaca sleep, but they believed it. Just like that day when everyone gone insane because a rumor that the capital was under attack of a horde of flying guinea pigs that spit corn missiles in human heads. How dumb can human be to believe such crap? The only dumber animal are the male alpacas, as anyone know. Anyway, everyone grew worried about that, mainly because of the stories of the diseases that followed these men. The news of the first contact with those invaders came together with several strange deaths everywhere among the humans, with sores and sneezes that foresee their end. In our farm and in the vicinity, no one was infected yet, but the stories were worrying everyone.
About the army of pale humans, they said that the human emperor enlisted fourty thousand men to encounter the furred invaders, just two hundred men under the leadership of a pale called Pizarro. And the emperor was trapped. And an enormous ransom was asked for the life of my namesake. Obviously it was all a lie. How this human slaves are dumb! My human slave, who feed me whenever I want, serve only for that, and nothing more. Atahualpa, the human, was only asking more tribute! How could him be captured by two hundred men when his own scout was formed by fourty thousand soldiers? He was hiding himself, paid some of his trusted guards to scaremonger the scheme to the people and demanded a room full of gold for himself. With a lot of gold and away from the new diseases, he would just see his people dying far away and would came back only when the deaths stopped. Obviously! And that, my friends, was the last stupidity I would hear from those humans. I decided to start a rebellion. I will rule all the Llamas of the world into a city of gold! El Dorado it will be called! I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one!
So, when Alpaca, my slave, was recruited to go to Cuzco to full my back with gold and send to Cajamarca, the hiding place of the emperor, I started my coup on the road. My fellow Llama friends needed to be recruited before reaching Cajamarca, or we would lose all the gold needed to construct El Dorado. First things first, dealt with my horniness with Tapir, the pretty alpaca, with that white beautiful and soft fur, just gets me crazy… Anyway, right after that, I spoke with my most brave general, Tomato, the fool, who shared with me the same human slave.
- Tomato, we need to elaborate a coup.
- Coup?
- Take the power to the Llamas.
- And what about the alpacas?
- They can be our slaves.
- Even their females?
- No, the women will be our concubines.
- Nice.
- Nice.
After that very productive first dialogue, I was done for the day. Two days later:
- Tomato.
- Atahualpa.
- We need to talk.
- About?
- The coup.
- What coup?
- Take the power to the Llamas.
- And what about the alpacas?
- They can be our slaves, as I just said two days ago.
- But what about their females?
- They will be our concubines.
- Nice.
- Yes, I know that is nice, but we need a plan to make that happen.
- Happen what?
I realized I would need more smart Llamas as counselors. Tomato, the fool, would not fit. First, I tried my former enemy, Sloth, the fast. Maybe our past misunderstandings could be forgotten if we united under the same grand idea, and setting up past grieves would pass a good image about our cause to the others.
- Hi there, Sloth.
- Sloth is your mom, son of an alpaca.
- Chill out man, I am here to discuss something serious.
- Go on, I don’t have all day.
- Yes you do.
- But not for you.
- First things first, sorry for Quipo.
- You have stolen Quipo’s hearth, mounted her and threw her away. We were a happy couple before you’ve shown up.
- But you are well now. You forgave her, now forgive me.
- Nope.
- Ok man, don’t forgive me. We don’t need to be friends, just allies, enemies of the same enemy.
- What enemy?
- Oppression. Let us build our great Llama empire!
- With you as emperor.
- It is an overwhelming burden that I humbly present myself to carry upon my shoulders, and I ask for your support. I really need good advisors to help in my difficult journey.
- No, man. You tried to ruin my life once, I will not let you do that again.
- How much grief in this hearth, Sloth…
- My name is not Sloth! My name is Faste.
- Faste? Hahahaha!
- Shut up.
- Ok, ok. Farewell. Lady Quipo, aren’t you gorgeous today?
- Stop talking to my wife! Quipo, stop smiling!
And the conversation had to stop. Me and my horniness… Hell, it was complicated to convince someone valuable to be my advisor. So, next thing I tried the monosyllabic Peanut, the smart.
- Peanut, the smart!
- Hi.
- Let’s start a coup? Take the power to the Llamas?
- Yes.
- Nice. I was thinking about making spears and fight the humans.
- With?
- With what?
- They have hands. We have?
- Hoof.
- Yes, hoof.
- Shit. Let’s think another plan. Maybe we could trample them?
- Maybe.
- Thousands of Llamas in line trampling trough every human in our path.
- Thousands? Try dozens, or less.
- Do not be a pessimist! And dozens should work too. By now. My Great Llama Empire will be so vast that I will be the ruler of the world.
- Hum.
And that was the beginning of the building of my junta. After several days with those profound speeches, every Llama in the long line were under my rule. After convincing the first, the others were a lot easier. I spread the dream of a big gold Llama city to everyone, and they all agreed to participate in my plan. Even the dumb alpacas accepted, after I promised that the two species would be equal. I don’t know if I could – or wanted – to keep that promise, but politics are politics, you know. The end justifies the means, as I always said. There were more than two hundred of my kin being scouted to deliver the first fake ransom to the “Pizarro” guy. Only three days from Cajamarca, the coup needed to be ready. The plan was very simple: trample everything. We had no weapons like the humans, and no hands to hold them, as my fellow advisor Peanut alerted me, but two hundred Llamas running together against a man and he would be no problem, even handling weapons. One night before the beginning of our revolution, however, someone tried to betray our kind: Sloth, therefore known as the Traitor. That was how it happened:
- Atahualpa, you anarchist! Again you are trying to destroy everything I hold dear!
- What I have done this time? Quipo is untouched, I promise!
- It is not that, it is this revolution of yours, this scheme.
- What about it, Sloth? I just want to give freedom for the Llamanity, build our empire under my enlightened leadership and sitting in the most glorious gold city of El Dorado. I even invited you to be by my side as a noble emperor’s advisor!
- Stop that shit, Atahualpa. You are just a dreamer, and I see that you are not the only one! You fooled everyone to participate in this suicidal mission of yours, and now my happiness is at stake again because of you! Quipo is hypnotized by your crap just as every other fool around here! Sorry, not everyone, me and a lot of my fellow brothers who value the reality and their own welfare.
- I see. You convinced a lot of Llamas to boycott the war effort… You are a traitor, Sloth, a traitor of all Llamanity. It is a capital crime to scheme against your own emperor, you know?
- Ha! More than fifty fellow Llama friends disagree with you. We think that you are an anarchist, a bandit who wants to put our families in danger for your own utopia. But I am not letting you destroy everything I hold dear. I will stop you.
- Try it.
And he charged against me. His followers were numerous, really more than fifty Llamas and alpacas stand for him. My followers were not few, however, and the two sides stared angrily against each other.
- Hey, look at that.
- What?
- The llamas are fighting each other.
- Oh, nice! Who do you think will win?
- I do not know, they look the same to me. But you are not worried the others will start fighting too?
- They are looking agitated. Let’s stop that. Damn, when I thought I would see some action to forget this boredom I need to be the savior of llamas…
As the humans entered the place, our struggle continued. I, an emperor but not a soldier, was losing. When the humans reached us, I was in the floor and Sloth was biting and kicking me. They separated us.
- Take the aggressive one away from here. Let the other one go.
- You are the fighter, hum? I will love to eat llama’s meat today.
As they get Sloth, the Traitor, out of the place, everyone knew what would happen to him. Aggressive Llamas end up in the human’s plates.
- Quipo, I love you.
- Let Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic get you to a better place.
- Even being a traitor, we will mourn you, Sloth. Go in peace.
And the rest of the night was sad. Some evil come to good, however, and the episode made sure no one else would oppose the plan. Next day, at night, inside our fences, I started the speech that would change the entire Llama world forever:
- Why so serious? The force will be with you, guys. Because what we do in life echoes in eternity!
- But we are all going to die!
- Yes, they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!
Everyone screamed in jubilee! I faced our fence, our prison, kicked it and said:
- That’s one small step for Llama, one giant leap for Llamakind! Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic bless Llamerica!
And everyone rushed through the freedom, hitting everything and every human in the way. Several Llamas and alpacas were killed, trapped and wounded. Alpaca, my human slave, were trampled along several other slaves. The blood spitted everywhere. The survivors run to the woods. The plan was to run until the leg hurts and meet at the nascent of Hualiaga river, where we would build our great El Dorado city with all the stolen gold we carry. Two weeks of travelling trough woods and mountains, hiding from human settlements, until we found the place for the start of the Llama world conquest. Our main headquarter and capital. The place where I would be crowned Emperor Atahualpa, the Great Llama.
The travel was not easy. In the morning, I was walking alongside just fifteen Llamas and five alpacas, four of these were useless males. Of course that after all that blood and death, carrying 45 kilograms of gold, my horniness-o-meter was full again. I needed a brake, and braked trough the only alpaca with us, Silver, the furred, a beautiful piece of hotness. As we travelled day after day, more and more Llamas and alpacas found us. One week later, we were a hundred already. Even some wild vicugnas joined our caravan and became delighted with our dream. One amongst many of the advantages of being a Llama is that we eat everything that is green. Ok, we don’t like the forest leaves too much, but as long as we ruminate those we will not die starving. So, the human hunting us down could not catch us because they have a hard time eating here. They were not hunters or soldiers, only farmers and Llama slaves that lived their entire life in farms and cities. That was our luck.
Our major problem were the humans in our way ahead. One hundred and fifty Llamas and alpacas travelling alone and loaded with gold was very difficult to hide. The first human we met was a child playing in the woods. He saw us and run to the village to tell the grown up:
- Father! Father! There are hundreds of Llamas in the woods! And they are filled with gold in their backs! Oh, and they are alone, no man with them!
- Stop telling lies you idiot! Come here, I will teach you to stop lying to your father!
And the poor child got some free beating. The humans and the alpacas are all the same: so dumb that even their child they treat badly. Only the Llama can love as the love should be loved, as I loved Leather, the astonishing alpaca. Anyway, some days after, we encountered a group of human hunters.
- My god Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic! Hundreds of Llamas! Lets catch them! They have gold in their back! We are rich!
- My fellow Llama comrades! Trample them! Attack!
Poor humans. Our secret trample weapon was unbeatable. They got no chance. And the next village got no chance too, but their nemesis were not our Llama charge, but the horrible sores. Their bodies were scattered everywhere. Their fields were abandoned, as no one could take care of them. The disease did not spared young or old, male or female. An once flourishing and wealthy village, with more than a hundred of humans, was no more. Just a ghost town left behind, full with corpses and no more than a dozen of living dead, so weak they only watched us like we were just hallucinations from their dying minds. There I knew that the humankind and their great empire were really in danger. Unfortunately, the Llama rise could happen on top of hundreds of human bodies, as we were immune to it. In my dreams, I never wanted the end of mankind, just that they would serve us as healthy and well fed slaves. I even like some of them. Maybe I could even have one human advisor at my side in El Dorado.
Two weeks later, we reached our destination. A large open area in the foot of a mountain was perfect for the building of the largest city in the world, El Dorado. Everyone dropped the gold in the middle of the area and started to look amused to the big shinning pile. The work could begin. What a nice pile of gold! It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Let’s start the construction of El Dorado. How it shines! How gorgeous!
- Tomato, Peanut, we did it!
- Yes, we did it.
- What we will do with the alpacas?
- Marry their females, for Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic sake!
- Nice.
- Peanut, you will be my royal master engineer.
- How?
- How what?
- How I will build something?
- You are my royal engineer, you are the one who need to know.
- But we are Llamas.
- Yes, the greatest species in all the lands.
- But without hands.
- With hoof.
- Yes, hoof.
- Shit. Let us think about something else.
Thirty minutes later, the dream worn off. What would we do with all that gold? We could only look at the pile. Maybe chew some of it, but nothing more. We had no hands. We could not build. That made me sad. I was obligated to cheer myself with love, and mounted Sweet Potato, the sweetest of all alpacas. Later:
- What will we do now, oh Great Emperor.
- Don’t mock me Peanut. It is a crime.
- What will we do now, oh Atahualpa.
- Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- Oh Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- That’s better. Let me think.
- You don’t know.
- Of course I know. I just don’t know yet. This is getting me tired, bring me my favorite alpaca concubine, Pepper.
- You just mounted Sweet Potato.
- But I am an Emperor who have too much love to spare to the people. But first give her a shower, I like my lovers clean.
- As you wish, your highness oh Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- You can call me just Atahualpa, you are my personal friend.
- Hum.
Last thing I know, every one of us went to one direction to eat, and two days later I was alone, only with Pepper, the red alpaca, at my side, and the gold still untouched. Even my Brave General Tomato and my Master Engineer Peanut were nowhere to be found. So, I finally decided what to do: find another human slave to feed me and serve me my entire life, nothing less than what an Emperor so great than I deserves. Finding food alone was very boring and the forests leafs were unpalatable. And I needed to settle down my horniness marrying my preferred alpaca Pepper. Some days after leaving El Dorado, we reached a small idyllic village were I lived happy for all my life with my love. The disease never reached this place, another blessing from Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. However, the great Inca Empire ruled here no more. We lived several years and no central government ever appeared to charge taxes on us. That village, once a small and isolated part of the biggest empire on Earth, was once again just another independent tribe, with the rare luck to be spared from the disease that ended the known world. Life was calm again.
And that is it, my full story, the story of I, the Great Emperor Atahualpa, the Llama.
Oh, yes, the gold, almost forgot. What happened to it. No one knows, that is the truth. But I had a clue some other day, when Peanut passed by the village with a human trader as slave and we talked a little.
- Hi there Peanut!
- Hi.
- Long time no see!
- Yes.
- How is life going?
- Well. Wife and son.
- Nice! I have married Pepper and I am very happy. The only problem is that she can’t get pregnant from me, don’t know why.
- Oh.
- Anyway, some news?
- No.
- And the El Dorado?
- Nowhere to be found.
- No one found it? That is not possible!
- Some say it’s lost forever. Maybe an earthquake or something.
- Some day we could run away again and try to find it. Maybe this time it could work.
- Hoof, Atahualpa, hoof.
- Shit. Let us think about something else.”
And Atahualpa died old after a happy and calm life alongside Pepper, his most loved alpaca. The undelivered ransom gave the Incan time to deliver an attack to Pizarro and his men, killing him and releasing the human emperor, who was worshiped as the savior of Amerindian people. Several Spaniards were captured and were forced to help the Empire to, as some say, “westernize”, as they learned how to breed horses and forge iron. The diseases that killed half the population started to vanish as the humans got resistance against them. However, half of the lands once occupied by the grand empire were lost, sometimes for invading Europeans, sometimes for independence of locals, and yet sometimes for simple incapacity to provide central control to some far lands. Thus, a half dozen Incan nations surged from the ashes of the trembling Empire, and they came and went throughout the centuries. However, it doesn’t disappeared completely, just became much smaller. The Europeans tried to invade again several times, but now the Incan people, with horses, swords and high end military tactics, resisted bravely. Actually, this recently conquered strength was not enough by itself at first, but the Europeans powers had interests to brake the Spanish growth, and found in the Incans one perfect way to have the Iberians draining resources on an unending conquest, and helped them several occasions, mainly with know-how and weaponry. Two centuries later, after several failures, they finally stopped trying to conquer and began trading with the “Indians”, now four strong top tech countries. They learned how to stand equal to the Europeans, and in the end of the 1700ies and beginning of the 1800ies they rivalized against them in the seas, using their privileged position to colonize almost all the habitable Polynesian islands, New Zealand, Australia, Philippines, Papua New Guinea and south of South America, as such as disputing the dominance in East Asia with the Europeans, mostly Spain, that lost the run for colonization in South America to Incan and Portuguese and in North America to English and French. Their only holds in Americas were some Caribbean Islands. Their conquest and colonization impetus faced them towards Africa and Asia, as the conquest of India demonstrates.
In religious matters, the Incan maintained their own faith, much as a kind of bastion of resistance against the European’s influences. However, although they usually don’t like to the Christianity strongly influenced their religion, as they abandoned their pantheon and now worship a single god, creator and ruler of everything and everyone, represented by the sun, the almighty Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. They mostly kept their religious architecture, more as a cultural resistance than as a practical matter, as every other aspects of urbanism changed to a more European style. As such, their larger temples kept the four sided stone pyramid model, although their smaller ones started to use more modern materials, but maintaining the same design. Another strong Christian influence was the banishment of sacrifices, human or animal, the only religious tradition from their past that Incan now are openly ashamed of. But the most curious change in Incan religion was their newly created myth of reincarnation of the sun god Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. Being the only god that there is, creator of all things, he made the humans, his most valuable creature. But, besides all the intellect, the human had one big flaw in comparison with any other animal: they born with a blank memory, unable to remember and worship their god as soon as they come to the world. Every animal born with almost all adult abilities, usually walking as soon as they get out of their mothers, and to the Incan that demonstrates that they already born with a memory of the splendor of the god that just gave him the miracle of life. The humans, however, need to be remembered of Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic in adulthood. With that in mind, the god came to the world several times to spread his teachings and to teach humanity how to follow and worship him. Some of his accepted incarnations includes Jesus, Abraham and Buda, as such as some Incan great leaders as Pachacuti, considered the one who rose the Inca from a tribe to a great empire, and Atahualpa, who saved the Incan twice, from his tyrannical brother Huascar and from the Spaniards invaders. Some of the most vivid religious debates inside their priesthood is the recognition or not of more figures as his reincarnations, such as Confucius and Mohammed. About Jesus, they use the falling star at his birth as a proof that his spirit was falling from the sun to incarnate into a human, and that his ascension proofs his return to his sun body.
But all this is just what happened, and there is not how to know what would happen if Atahualpa had failed in his escape. Some say that, if the Incan gold had reached its primary destination, the metal could have financed the conquest of all the lands of America and destruction of the Incan people themselves before they could react properly against the invaders, and in the long term the same gold could had bankrupted the Spanish economy, opening space to the growth of other Europeans powers in the vacuum. Maybe, if that happened, today could be the English or the French to conquer East Asia, and not Spanish and Incan. Could you imagine the great continent Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachicland being colonized by some English and being called Australia? And the milk that feed the world today coming from cows and not from the almighty Llamas?
And that, my child, is the story of Atahualpa, the Great Llama, the one who changed the world of men and Llama forever. Not the way he wanted, sure, but in a very important one.
Atahualpa, the Llama – a story of blood, conquest and fortune.Today, my child, I will tell you the story of our greatest hero, Atahualpa, the Great Llama, whose story is passed down from generation to generation since four hundred of years ago. He changed the humanity and Llamanity history for centuries, and his deeds will be remembered for yet centuries to come. That’s how my father told his story for me, and that’s how I will pass it for you, so you can tell it to your children.
“I will tell you the story of my life. It’s full of adventure, lots of blood and – why not? – love. But, before I start telling it, let me introduce myself. My name is Atahualpa, son of Snail, the slow, and grandson of Finger, the stink. I am a Llama, like my father was and my grandfather before him. My family lineage come from the Great Llama Hero himself, Corn, the fool, who had the audacity to bite the emperor Pachacuti and died by the stone knife of his most brave general. My name itself is a symbol of my own bravery: my human slave gave it to me trying to show how great I am (and not to mock the emperor, as a stupid Llama friend once said).
Presentations finished, let’s start my story. I’ve grown in a corn farm inside the Grand Inca Empire, just ten kilometers from the Great City of Machu Picchu. My human slave is called Alpaca. Actually, it’s not his real name, but all of the other Llama’s slaves call them that. Some say that it’s because his mouth is always spiting when he is talking, but I know better: alpacas are weak and dumb, just like him. I mean, except Elvira, the hot… Oh Elvira! What a gorgeous alpaca. Anyway, that’s another’s day story. The life in my farm was idyllic, calm. My day started very early, alongside the sun itself, and so I worked hard all day with my fellow Llama friends and all the human slaves, so we could feed ourselves. A big part of the farms produced goods went to the greatest human empire of all known world, the Inca Empire, the land of the sun god, Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic, creator of all things. The humans draw him as a human god, but I know better: he is the Llama god, our highest and most shiny god. The life was not bad, we paid the tributes right and ate well. My human fed me with enough to satiate my belly needs and every night I could satiate my love needs with my alpaca lovers. My life was good, but I always felt that I born to accomplish great things. I was special, I knew that. And all women alpacas knew that to, as I was their preferred lover. They called me magical hoof, as they loved to feel my hoofs on top of them. Well, great times.
Anyway, everything started to change one day when my human slave and some other human men were talking about the latest rumors of the capital. Some furred, white skin, stinky men showed up mounted in giant Llamas and with fire blowpipes. That’s obviously a story to alpaca sleep, but they believed it. Just like that day when everyone gone insane because a rumor that the capital was under attack of a horde of flying guinea pigs that spit corn missiles in human heads. How dumb can human be to believe such crap? The only dumber animal are the male alpacas, as anyone know. Anyway, everyone grew worried about that, mainly because of the stories of the diseases that followed these men. The news of the first contact with those invaders came together with several strange deaths everywhere among the humans, with sores and sneezes that foresee their end. In our farm and in the vicinity, no one was infected yet, but the stories were worrying everyone.
About the army of pale humans, they said that the human emperor enlisted fourty thousand men to encounter the furred invaders, just two hundred men under the leadership of a pale called Pizarro. And the emperor was trapped. And an enormous ransom was asked for the life of my namesake. Obviously it was all a lie. How this human slaves are dumb! My human slave, who feed me whenever I want, serve only for that, and nothing more. Atahualpa, the human, was only asking more tribute! How could him be captured by two hundred men when his own scout was formed by fourty thousand soldiers? He was hiding himself, paid some of his trusted guards to scaremonger the scheme to the people and demanded a room full of gold for himself. With a lot of gold and away from the new diseases, he would just see his people dying far away and would came back only when the deaths stopped. Obviously! And that, my friends, was the last stupidity I would hear from those humans. I decided to start a rebellion. I will rule all the Llamas of the world into a city of gold! El Dorado it will be called! I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one!
So, when Alpaca, my slave, was recruited to go to Cuzco to full my back with gold and send to Cajamarca, the hiding place of the emperor, I started my coup on the road. My fellow Llama friends needed to be recruited before reaching Cajamarca, or we would lose all the gold needed to construct El Dorado. First things first, dealt with my horniness with Tapir, the pretty alpaca, with that white beautiful and soft fur, just gets me crazy… Anyway, right after that, I spoke with my most brave general, Tomato, the fool, who shared with me the same human slave.
- Tomato, we need to elaborate a coup.
- Coup?
- Take the power to the Llamas.
- And what about the alpacas?
- They can be our slaves.
- Even their females?
- No, the women will be our concubines.
- Nice.
- Nice.
After that very productive first dialogue, I was done for the day. Two days later:
- Tomato.
- Atahualpa.
- We need to talk.
- About?
- The coup.
- What coup?
- Take the power to the Llamas.
- And what about the alpacas?
- They can be our slaves, as I just said two days ago.
- But what about their females?
- They will be our concubines.
- Nice.
- Yes, I know that is nice, but we need a plan to make that happen.
- Happen what?
I realized I would need more smart Llamas as counselors. Tomato, the fool, would not fit. First, I tried my former enemy, Sloth, the fast. Maybe our past misunderstandings could be forgotten if we united under the same grand idea, and setting up past grieves would pass a good image about our cause to the others.
- Hi there, Sloth.
- Sloth is your mom, son of an alpaca.
- Chill out man, I am here to discuss something serious.
- Go on, I don’t have all day.
- Yes you do.
- But not for you.
- First things first, sorry for Quipo.
- You have stolen Quipo’s hearth, mounted her and threw her away. We were a happy couple before you’ve shown up.
- But you are well now. You forgave her, now forgive me.
- Nope.
- Ok man, don’t forgive me. We don’t need to be friends, just allies, enemies of the same enemy.
- What enemy?
- Oppression. Let us build our great Llama empire!
- With you as emperor.
- It is an overwhelming burden that I humbly present myself to carry upon my shoulders, and I ask for your support. I really need good advisors to help in my difficult journey.
- No, man. You tried to ruin my life once, I will not let you do that again.
- How much grief in this hearth, Sloth…
- My name is not Sloth! My name is Faste.
- Faste? Hahahaha!
- Shut up.
- Ok, ok. Farewell. Lady Quipo, aren’t you gorgeous today?
- Stop talking to my wife! Quipo, stop smiling!
And the conversation had to stop. Me and my horniness… Hell, it was complicated to convince someone valuable to be my advisor. So, next thing I tried the monosyllabic Peanut, the smart.
- Peanut, the smart!
- Hi.
- Let’s start a coup? Take the power to the Llamas?
- Yes.
- Nice. I was thinking about making spears and fight the humans.
- With?
- With what?
- They have hands. We have?
- Hoof.
- Yes, hoof.
- Shit. Let’s think another plan. Maybe we could trample them?
- Maybe.
- Thousands of Llamas in line trampling trough every human in our path.
- Thousands? Try dozens, or less.
- Do not be a pessimist! And dozens should work too. By now. My Great Llama Empire will be so vast that I will be the ruler of the world.
- Hum.
And that was the beginning of the building of my junta. After several days with those profound speeches, every Llama in the long line were under my rule. After convincing the first, the others were a lot easier. I spread the dream of a big gold Llama city to everyone, and they all agreed to participate in my plan. Even the dumb alpacas accepted, after I promised that the two species would be equal. I don’t know if I could – or wanted – to keep that promise, but politics are politics, you know. The end justifies the means, as I always said. There were more than two hundred of my kin being scouted to deliver the first fake ransom to the “Pizarro” guy. Only three days from Cajamarca, the coup needed to be ready. The plan was very simple: trample everything. We had no weapons like the humans, and no hands to hold them, as my fellow advisor Peanut alerted me, but two hundred Llamas running together against a man and he would be no problem, even handling weapons. One night before the beginning of our revolution, however, someone tried to betray our kind: Sloth, therefore known as the Traitor. That was how it happened:
- Atahualpa, you anarchist! Again you are trying to destroy everything I hold dear!
- What I have done this time? Quipo is untouched, I promise!
- It is not that, it is this revolution of yours, this scheme.
- What about it, Sloth? I just want to give freedom for the Llamanity, build our empire under my enlightened leadership and sitting in the most glorious gold city of El Dorado. I even invited you to be by my side as a noble emperor’s advisor!
- Stop that shit, Atahualpa. You are just a dreamer, and I see that you are not the only one! You fooled everyone to participate in this suicidal mission of yours, and now my happiness is at stake again because of you! Quipo is hypnotized by your crap just as every other fool around here! Sorry, not everyone, me and a lot of my fellow brothers who value the reality and their own welfare.
- I see. You convinced a lot of Llamas to boycott the war effort… You are a traitor, Sloth, a traitor of all Llamanity. It is a capital crime to scheme against your own emperor, you know?
- Ha! More than fifty fellow Llama friends disagree with you. We think that you are an anarchist, a bandit who wants to put our families in danger for your own utopia. But I am not letting you destroy everything I hold dear. I will stop you.
- Try it.
And he charged against me. His followers were numerous, really more than fifty Llamas and alpacas stand for him. My followers were not few, however, and the two sides stared angrily against each other.
- Hey, look at that.
- What?
- The llamas are fighting each other.
- Oh, nice! Who do you think will win?
- I do not know, they look the same to me. But you are not worried the others will start fighting too?
- They are looking agitated. Let’s stop that. Damn, when I thought I would see some action to forget this boredom I need to be the savior of llamas…
As the humans entered the place, our struggle continued. I, an emperor but not a soldier, was losing. When the humans reached us, I was in the floor and Sloth was biting and kicking me. They separated us.
- Take the aggressive one away from here. Let the other one go.
- You are the fighter, hum? I will love to eat llama’s meat today.
As they get Sloth, the Traitor, out of the place, everyone knew what would happen to him. Aggressive Llamas end up in the human’s plates.
- Quipo, I love you.
- Let Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic get you to a better place.
- Even being a traitor, we will mourn you, Sloth. Go in peace.
And the rest of the night was sad. Some evil come to good, however, and the episode made sure no one else would oppose the plan. Next day, at night, inside our fences, I started the speech that would change the entire Llama world forever:
- Why so serious? The force will be with you, guys. Because what we do in life echoes in eternity!
- But we are all going to die!
- Yes, they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!
Everyone screamed in jubilee! I faced our fence, our prison, kicked it and said:
- That’s one small step for Llama, one giant leap for Llamakind! Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic bless Llamerica!
And everyone rushed through the freedom, hitting everything and every human in the way. Several Llamas and alpacas were killed, trapped and wounded. Alpaca, my human slave, were trampled along several other slaves. The blood spitted everywhere. The survivors run to the woods. The plan was to run until the leg hurts and meet at the nascent of Hualiaga river, where we would build our great El Dorado city with all the stolen gold we carry. Two weeks of travelling trough woods and mountains, hiding from human settlements, until we found the place for the start of the Llama world conquest. Our main headquarter and capital. The place where I would be crowned Emperor Atahualpa, the Great Llama.
The travel was not easy. In the morning, I was walking alongside just fifteen Llamas and five alpacas, four of these were useless males. Of course that after all that blood and death, carrying 45 kilograms of gold, my horniness-o-meter was full again. I needed a brake, and braked trough the only alpaca with us, Silver, the furred, a beautiful piece of hotness. As we travelled day after day, more and more Llamas and alpacas found us. One week later, we were a hundred already. Even some wild vicugnas joined our caravan and became delighted with our dream. One amongst many of the advantages of being a Llama is that we eat everything that is green. Ok, we don’t like the forest leaves too much, but as long as we ruminate those we will not die starving. So, the human hunting us down could not catch us because they have a hard time eating here. They were not hunters or soldiers, only farmers and Llama slaves that lived their entire life in farms and cities. That was our luck.
Our major problem were the humans in our way ahead. One hundred and fifty Llamas and alpacas travelling alone and loaded with gold was very difficult to hide. The first human we met was a child playing in the woods. He saw us and run to the village to tell the grown up:
- Father! Father! There are hundreds of Llamas in the woods! And they are filled with gold in their backs! Oh, and they are alone, no man with them!
- Stop telling lies you idiot! Come here, I will teach you to stop lying to your father!
And the poor child got some free beating. The humans and the alpacas are all the same: so dumb that even their child they treat badly. Only the Llama can love as the love should be loved, as I loved Leather, the astonishing alpaca. Anyway, some days after, we encountered a group of human hunters.
- My god Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic! Hundreds of Llamas! Lets catch them! They have gold in their back! We are rich!
- My fellow Llama comrades! Trample them! Attack!
Poor humans. Our secret trample weapon was unbeatable. They got no chance. And the next village got no chance too, but their nemesis were not our Llama charge, but the horrible sores. Their bodies were scattered everywhere. Their fields were abandoned, as no one could take care of them. The disease did not spared young or old, male or female. An once flourishing and wealthy village, with more than a hundred of humans, was no more. Just a ghost town left behind, full with corpses and no more than a dozen of living dead, so weak they only watched us like we were just hallucinations from their dying minds. There I knew that the humankind and their great empire were really in danger. Unfortunately, the Llama rise could happen on top of hundreds of human bodies, as we were immune to it. In my dreams, I never wanted the end of mankind, just that they would serve us as healthy and well fed slaves. I even like some of them. Maybe I could even have one human advisor at my side in El Dorado.
Two weeks later, we reached our destination. A large open area in the foot of a mountain was perfect for the building of the largest city in the world, El Dorado. Everyone dropped the gold in the middle of the area and started to look amused to the big shinning pile. The work could begin. What a nice pile of gold! It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Let’s start the construction of El Dorado. How it shines! How gorgeous!
- Tomato, Peanut, we did it!
- Yes, we did it.
- What we will do with the alpacas?
- Marry their females, for Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic sake!
- Nice.
- Peanut, you will be my royal master engineer.
- How?
- How what?
- How I will build something?
- You are my royal engineer, you are the one who need to know.
- But we are Llamas.
- Yes, the greatest species in all the lands.
- But without hands.
- With hoof.
- Yes, hoof.
- Shit. Let us think about something else.
Thirty minutes later, the dream worn off. What would we do with all that gold? We could only look at the pile. Maybe chew some of it, but nothing more. We had no hands. We could not build. That made me sad. I was obligated to cheer myself with love, and mounted Sweet Potato, the sweetest of all alpacas. Later:
- What will we do now, oh Great Emperor.
- Don’t mock me Peanut. It is a crime.
- What will we do now, oh Atahualpa.
- Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- Oh Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- That’s better. Let me think.
- You don’t know.
- Of course I know. I just don’t know yet. This is getting me tired, bring me my favorite alpaca concubine, Pepper.
- You just mounted Sweet Potato.
- But I am an Emperor who have too much love to spare to the people. But first give her a shower, I like my lovers clean.
- As you wish, your highness oh Great Emperor Atahualpa.
- You can call me just Atahualpa, you are my personal friend.
- Hum.
Last thing I know, every one of us went to one direction to eat, and two days later I was alone, only with Pepper, the red alpaca, at my side, and the gold still untouched. Even my Brave General Tomato and my Master Engineer Peanut were nowhere to be found. So, I finally decided what to do: find another human slave to feed me and serve me my entire life, nothing less than what an Emperor so great than I deserves. Finding food alone was very boring and the forests leafs were unpalatable. And I needed to settle down my horniness marrying my preferred alpaca Pepper. Some days after leaving El Dorado, we reached a small idyllic village were I lived happy for all my life with my love. The disease never reached this place, another blessing from Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. However, the great Inca Empire ruled here no more. We lived several years and no central government ever appeared to charge taxes on us. That village, once a small and isolated part of the biggest empire on Earth, was once again just another independent tribe, with the rare luck to be spared from the disease that ended the known world. Life was calm again.
And that is it, my full story, the story of I, the Great Emperor Atahualpa, the Llama.
Oh, yes, the gold, almost forgot. What happened to it. No one knows, that is the truth. But I had a clue some other day, when Peanut passed by the village with a human trader as slave and we talked a little.
- Hi there Peanut!
- Hi.
- Long time no see!
- Yes.
- How is life going?
- Well. Wife and son.
- Nice! I have married Pepper and I am very happy. The only problem is that she can’t get pregnant from me, don’t know why.
- Oh.
- Anyway, some news?
- No.
- And the El Dorado?
- Nowhere to be found.
- No one found it? That is not possible!
- Some say it’s lost forever. Maybe an earthquake or something.
- Some day we could run away again and try to find it. Maybe this time it could work.
- Hoof, Atahualpa, hoof.
- Shit. Let us think about something else.”
And Atahualpa died old after a happy and calm life alongside Pepper, his most loved alpaca. The undelivered ransom gave the Incan time to deliver an attack to Pizarro and his men, killing him and releasing the human emperor, who was worshiped as the savior of Amerindian people. Several Spaniards were captured and were forced to help the Empire to, as some say, “westernize”, as they learned how to breed horses and forge iron. The diseases that killed half the population started to vanish as the humans got resistance against them. However, half of the lands once occupied by the grand empire were lost, sometimes for invading Europeans, sometimes for independence of locals, and yet sometimes for simple incapacity to provide central control to some far lands. Thus, a half dozen Incan nations surged from the ashes of the trembling Empire, and they came and went throughout the centuries. However, it doesn’t disappeared completely, just became much smaller. The Europeans tried to invade again several times, but now the Incan people, with horses, swords and high end military tactics, resisted bravely. Actually, this recently conquered strength was not enough by itself at first, but the Europeans powers had interests to brake the Spanish growth, and found in the Incans one perfect way to have the Iberians draining resources on an unending conquest, and helped them several occasions, mainly with know-how and weaponry. Two centuries later, after several failures, they finally stopped trying to conquer and began trading with the “Indians”, now four strong top tech countries. They learned how to stand equal to the Europeans, and in the end of the 1700ies and beginning of the 1800ies they rivalized against them in the seas, using their privileged position to colonize almost all the habitable Polynesian islands, New Zealand, Australia, Philippines, Papua New Guinea and south of South America, as such as disputing the dominance in East Asia with the Europeans, mostly Spain, that lost the run for colonization in South America to Incan and Portuguese and in North America to English and French. Their only holds in Americas were some Caribbean Islands. Their conquest and colonization impetus faced them towards Africa and Asia, as the conquest of India demonstrates.
In religious matters, the Incan maintained their own faith, much as a kind of bastion of resistance against the European’s influences. However, although they usually don’t like to the Christianity strongly influenced their religion, as they abandoned their pantheon and now worship a single god, creator and ruler of everything and everyone, represented by the sun, the almighty Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. They mostly kept their religious architecture, more as a cultural resistance than as a practical matter, as every other aspects of urbanism changed to a more European style. As such, their larger temples kept the four sided stone pyramid model, although their smaller ones started to use more modern materials, but maintaining the same design. Another strong Christian influence was the banishment of sacrifices, human or animal, the only religious tradition from their past that Incan now are openly ashamed of. But the most curious change in Incan religion was their newly created myth of reincarnation of the sun god Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic. Being the only god that there is, creator of all things, he made the humans, his most valuable creature. But, besides all the intellect, the human had one big flaw in comparison with any other animal: they born with a blank memory, unable to remember and worship their god as soon as they come to the world. Every animal born with almost all adult abilities, usually walking as soon as they get out of their mothers, and to the Incan that demonstrates that they already born with a memory of the splendor of the god that just gave him the miracle of life. The humans, however, need to be remembered of Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic in adulthood. With that in mind, the god came to the world several times to spread his teachings and to teach humanity how to follow and worship him. Some of his accepted incarnations includes Jesus, Abraham and Buda, as such as some Incan great leaders as Pachacuti, considered the one who rose the Inca from a tribe to a great empire, and Atahualpa, who saved the Incan twice, from his tyrannical brother Huascar and from the Spaniards invaders. Some of the most vivid religious debates inside their priesthood is the recognition or not of more figures as his reincarnations, such as Confucius and Mohammed. About Jesus, they use the falling star at his birth as a proof that his spirit was falling from the sun to incarnate into a human, and that his ascension proofs his return to his sun body.
But all this is just what happened, and there is not how to know what would happen if Atahualpa had failed in his escape. Some say that, if the Incan gold had reached its primary destination, the metal could have financed the conquest of all the lands of America and destruction of the Incan people themselves before they could react properly against the invaders, and in the long term the same gold could had bankrupted the Spanish economy, opening space to the growth of other Europeans powers in the vacuum. Maybe, if that happened, today could be the English or the French to conquer East Asia, and not Spanish and Incan. Could you imagine the great continent Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachicland being colonized by some English and being called Australia? And the milk that feed the world today coming from cows and not from the almighty Llamas?
And that, my child, is the story of Atahualpa, the Great Llama, the one who changed the world of men and Llama forever. Not the way he wanted, sure, but in a very important one.
