The Elephant In The Room: An Ayutthaya AAR

[Nononir]

The Elephant In The Room

Polandballs all lovingly crafted by an unpaid intern

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Chapter One
Addressing The Elephant

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Let's get one thing straight: No matter what it may be about, no matter how much evidence is arrayed against me, no matter what anyone thinks says and/or feels, MY pronunciation is correct. Anyone who disagrees can promptly jump in the Gulf and kindly stay there until they drown/prune to death.

Furthermore, I am in no way shape or form an elephant.

Clear? Fantastic. Now for introductions:
I am King Baraka Moracha, lord of the Thais, the Ties, the Sucker-Thais, and Liquor. These I rule under the flag of the Great Kingdom of Ayakabara.

The loyal duchies of Soukothai and Ligor, along with the people of the Kingdom of Ayutthaya, formally protest their new labels. Unfortunately for them, no one cares.

In addition, I am also the rightful sovereign of Come Here, but they have decided that following their heretical pronunciation (Khmer; I swear, the things people come up with...) is more important than remaining loyal to the Grand Empire of Ayuhatata.
The appropriate steps will be taken to correct their diction.

King Boromir Moracha is an accomplished general. And still not an elephant. He swears. Would an elephant-King lie?

We had promised Lame Xang land in this war.

We lied.

Our hope was to get them to waste their troops fighting Come-Here, thus making them easier to conquer later. Unfortunately, they're crap. We'll be betraying Lame Xang sooner rather than later.

The enemy of my future enemy/friend's friend is my...cousin? 3rd uncle? We're not sure at this point.

With the absolute minimal help required to be considered a participant, Blame Xang helps us take the capital of Ohdang. Peace is made soon after, and there is much rejoicing.

Rejoice

Immediately after we "forget" to give them land, Lame Bang breaks the alliance; and there is much rejoicing.

Rejoice!

And almost immediately after that, I die, and there is much - Wait what?

CANCEL THE REJOICEMENT.

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Well, it's been a while (Two years, 24 lunar phases, 3 expansions, however you measure time) Since my last AAR went quietly into the night. I'm glad to say I'm back with a new AAR, lame jokes, and even lamer captions!

The AAR SHOULD be updated every Friday, including tomorrow. It's also a multiplayer game, which will hopefully prevent me from letting the AAR die a slow death. I hope you enjoy, and if you don't there is a perfectly nice Gulf just waiting to be pruned to death in.

 

[parats]

Finally an elephant aar - i like.

Lets see how you deal with the juggernaut, if they not explode.

 

[Nononir]

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Chapter Two
A Trail To Follow
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Have you ever seen an elephant die? It isn't a subtle thing, they don't go quietly into the night like considerate people; they flail around and break things and smash the good china and get wine all over your brand new shirt.

On a completely unrelated note, my father is dead.

The rejoicement is still on hold.

During the We're-No-Longer-Allied-With-Lice Celebration Feast Rejoition, an ambassador from Pegu, in some bizarre joke no one else can understand, offered the late King Bananarama a handful of peanuts. He was severely allergic to peanuts. The Peguan ambassador found this hilarious, no one else did.

It was only later we realized the Peguan ambassador was really an assassin.

Crafty bastards.

We're going to have to destroy them. But later. For now we have a show to watch.

Grab the popcorn.

While our (future) enemies tear each other apart, a non-elephantine heir is born to the glorious Ayoutubaran throne!

Princess Pajama Party shall be a great and not-at-all-mediocre ruler.

Immediately after my daughter's birth we hold the ancient and well-respected naming ritual. A can of alphabet soup is firmly shaken and emptied onto her forehead, whichever letters stick are juggled by a team of highly-trained circus clowns and thrown onto her birth certificate in random order. Thus our nation was named, thus all our rulers are named, and thus shall they be continued to be named until the end of time (or alphabet soup).

Meanwhile, the Vietnamese-Lotion war picks up, we begin to prepare for our inevitable underhanded opportunism benevolent peace-keeping mission.

Why is our general named after a Hindu god? Why does his last name contain the word porn? Why are his stats absolute GARBAGE!? Find out next time on Countryball Z.

Everything is prepared for war, all that's left is to attack our old allies and win a glorious victory fo-

The audience slowly realizes the author is incredibly absent-minded.

Well. That's inconvenient.

You might be wondering how we plan to pass the time until the truce is up. The answer is obvious: Liquor!

Ligor continues to protest its official name change. And also annexation. But mostly the name change.

Since we have cores on Liquor (insert witty crippling-alcoholism joke here) they annex instantly, convenient annexation is convenient.

Back at the plot, Day Vet and Lotion trade capitals in their continually escalating war, also all the merchants die and nobody seems to care.

Oh no something bad happened to the insanely rich I'm so sad Oh noooooooo...

Getting back to events people actually care about, our truce with Van Bang is finally up. Good thing, too; we're all out of liquor.

War and liquor are the only acceptable pass times in AU2bara.

Unfortunately, it turns out Hsenwi has trust issues and refuses to join our war. Something about "being really douchey in the past" and "You're literally invading your ex-allies as soon as physically possible why would we help you."
Serious trust issues. They should see a therapist.

No one told me betraying our allies would have actual consequences!

Do you know how long it takes to equip an elephant with armor? Bloody forever, the retainers are all useless and complaining of tusk wounds, the blacksmith can NEVER get the size right the first time, and there's an overall excess of unnecessary whining. On yet another completely unrelated, check out my sweet new armor!

The king is obviously the warrior on top. That goes without saying. Obviously.

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Next chapter Ayutthaya goes to war once again, there may or may not be a slight shortage of battle screenshots because, well, shut up.

I'd also like to take a second to encourage comments, constructive criticism, supportive not-criticism, etc. They are all appreciated.

Unless you're from Laos, don't be from Laos.
Kidding, it's ok to be from Laos.
Sorta.
I mean if it's ok with YOU.
I don't judge.
Much.

 

[Horkak]

this aar is the most entertaining to read of any Ive ever read! Subbed for sure. Cant wait for you to take out those opponants to name change

 

[MiniaAr]

I liked your previous 2 AARs, this one is starting off as quite entertaining. Please do keep up.

As this is MP, maybe you could mention some of the things done by non-elephant, non-thai people? Writing this, I realise I shouldn't probably care about those peolple, but I might get surprised.

 

[Nononir]

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Chapter Three
Peanuts for Peace
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So none of our allies are willing to help us, so what? The might Anacondan Empire needs no assistance from weaker, less trusting nations. We will single-handedly crush Ban Tang and their Peguan allies, and burn their peanut fields to ash. For the memory of King Bananahammocks, for the glory of Alberteraya, and because we feel like it.

See how Dai Viet helps us? We didn't even have to ask them! That is a trusting nation. They won't last long.

Our armies sweep through the countryside of Dan Rang and Pegu, beginning a siege of the latter's capital as their army sieges the worthless Sucker-Thai capital. Unfortunately, the greedy Vietnamese have decided to hog all of Lotion's forts, so we'll have to wait out their war before we can make a meaningful peace.

Notice we drank all our Liquor before the war just for this situation. You can't drink while at war. Eu4 responsibly kids.

While we wait for Die Bets and Lame Bang to finish playing footsie and fight each other, we decide to bully the crap out of Pegu. The elephant-Kings of Ayutabara do not forgive, and they never, ever forget.

Smim Htaw Myo. I don't need to make fun of his name, it makes fun of itself.

Daiavietes finally makes peace with Lotion, taking two provinces and killing exactly 0 enemies. Say what you will, it takes serious skill to lose a war without ever actually losing a battle.

Seriously. They must've done this on purpose, there's no logical explanation otherwise.

We trick Laos into attacking us in Vienna, only to be cheated out of ultimate victory by the cunning pathing AI

"There's no way we can walk around this fort guys, the only sensible option is to leave Laos completely and com back from another angle!"

Also notice Lame Bang's new capital. After losing Luang Pre-Bang it was automatically moved to Nong Khai, a province we had already occupied. Rap your head around that one.

Meanwhile in Pegu, attrition is killing more men than we can count. It turns out burning the peanut fields (the only crop grown in Pegu) left our army unable to forage. Thousands have starved outside the walls of Pegu but, thanks to our efforts, none have died from peanut allergies. The ends justify the means.

Vienna falls soon after we make peace with Pegu, and Lame Wang is blessed with the greatest borders Asia has ever known.

Ayutabara is larger, and peanuts have been exterminated, that's all that matters.

The Peguan Peanut Industry has been eradicated, South East Asia has nearly run out of Lotion, and Diabetes is now the only rival in the region worth mentioning. And what kind of nation would we be if we couldn't beat Diabetes?

This is an inside joke for those who have read my previous AARs, consider this a shameless plug.

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A relatively boring and short update I'm sorry to say, there was a lot of waiting for sieges to finish and watching Lan Xang and Dai Viet dance around each other.

 

[Horkak]

looks good for the non-elephant yes-kings of aye yo buya!

 

[atwix]

Subbed.

I really like your style of writing

 

[Nononir]

Finally an elephant aar - i like.

Lets see how you deal with the juggernaut, if they not explode.

I don't know what elephants you're talking about. I believe you're seeing things, you've been referred to your local Thai re-education center.

Ming will become very very relevant in later chapters, you'll get to see me drastically underestimate them and their not-so-paper troops.

this aar is the most entertaining to read of any Ive ever read! Subbed for sure. Cant wait for you to take out those opponants to name change

looks good for the non-elephant yes-kings of aye yo buya!

Thank you very much All opponents of proper pronunciation will be trampled by a thousand royal elephants!
Royal elephant of course meaning an elephant owned by the monarchy and not an elephant monarch. That'd be silly. Yes.

I liked your previous 2 AARs, this one is starting off as quite entertaining. Please do keep up.

As this is MP, maybe you could mention some of the things done by non-elephant, non-thai people? Writing this, I realise I shouldn't probably care about those peolple, but I might get surprised.

Thank you, other players will appear either when South East Asia knows a moment of peace (unlikely while we're around) and I decide to take a look at the world or when they become relevant to the Thai people. The number of players has been rather inconsistent and documenting them only to have them change every other host would be rather frustrating.

Subbed.

I really like your style of writing

Thanks , I've read your AARs and may I say that your Eu4 skill makes me feel woefully inadequate

I hope you all continue to enjoy the AAR, the Gulf of Siam is already full of pruney corpses.

 

[Nononir]

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Chapter Four
Taco Tuesday
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It takes a two short years for us to reach a state I like to call "completely recovered" (Read: We aren't in ducat/manpower debt) and we are ready to once again imperiously march upon another defenseless nation.

Pattani-cake Pattani-cake Kelanten In-land, bake me a cake out of your sult-an

I say defenseless, but they are defended by the Sultanate of Morachas, a land with many awe-inspiring sombreros and intimidating shakey-sticks, if we go to war, it will not be easy.

Notice we say "if" to give the illusion that it's a question

Behold, the terrifying Mallaxican.

If my cultural advisor is correct (and how could he be wrong? He is the cultural advisor) the Moroccans may also possess a debilitating bio-weapon known as the "Taco". In order to defend our people against the digestive rampages of the evil taco, I've gathered the nobility and issued a royal decree: The mighty Empire of Ayutuba is hereby committed to a nation-wide diet.

Somehow banning delicious tacos will make our nobles both more loyal and influential, reasoning.

This of course ends our imports of tacos, which enrages the Merchant Guilds, who demand more privileges to compensate for the huge loss of taco profits.

The internal politiking of the realm is very important and shall be extensively covered until I get bored and can no longer find a feasible way to involve tacos.

Lan Nah, in a blatant plagiary of our own anti-taco laws, have declared war on obesity, and rivaled Diabetes.

Just say "Nah" to calories, kids.

Unfortunately, like most people, the nobles can't stick to a diet for too long, and eventually demand the nation-wide diet's repeal.

Why does this chapter revolve almost exclusively around tacos? Don't ask questions that's why.

The nobles of the realm rapidly factionalize into anti- and pro-taco factions, leading to several assassinations, a localized civil war, and the burning of several rival Whole Foods™ and Taco Bell™ franchises. We are forced to take control of the situation to prevent complete anarchy among the nobility.

The taco jokes end about here, if you scrolled through searching for where I stop talking about tacos and start producing content, you're in the wrong AAR.

The Great Taco Crisis finally concludes in 1463, after 7 long years of ground beef-based violence. The population of our country returns to normal levels, and with the pseudo-military experience gained from the mini-Civil War we are more prepared than ever to begin the war on Patti-Cake and their Mallaxican allies.

You may notice our fleet getting raped in this screenshot. I did not.

Our underhanded enemies cut our trade fleet in half before we can even react, in retaliation we crush them in Pattani and push forward into Malaxico. While the sieges progress we decide to increase our fledgling navy, as in our current state we cannot even hope to compete with the dreaded Barbary Pirates of Morocco.

My cultural advisor has confirmed that the Morachan navy is indeed staffed entirely by Barbers, and the sight of their fabulous hairstyles is known to strike both dread and envy into the hearts of our sailors.

Maybe they're born with it, maybe it's Maybalene.

The combined Mollucan and Patty-Cake forces make multiple attempts to drive us from Pattani. They finally succeed in the Third Battle of Pattani, but the relentless sombrero farmers have no mercy, and chase as nearly all the way to the capital.

Now we'll play a little game called "figure out where our morale is hiding"

After the embarrassing defeat south of the capital we decide our military, headed by grand general Chausriporn, requires a thorough investigation.

We soon discover that our warriors have been neglecting the use of weapons all these years.

"Oh THOSE are the pikes? We thought those were toothpicks for the elephant division! What do you mean elephants don't have teeth?"

Chausriporn is held responsible for the misappropriation of weapons. He is quickly fired, and I'm told he has decided to live in seclusion until a time where his name is more appreciated. The Ahabyaran military gains a great deal of lost dignity with the commission of its new leader, a noble veteran of the Taco Crisis, General Nut.

First name Deez? No? Ok.

After years of brutal warfare, with each battle resting on the edge of a knife for either side, the final victory is suitably climactic. General Nut soundly kicks the Mollucans out of the capital, and chases them down for the Fourth and Final Battle of Pattani, where the enemy forces are surrounded and finally destroyed.

6.66 warscore. This war is literally Satan

The cities of Patanni and Perak fall with no further struggle from the evil Patti-Cakes. Peace is made with horribly disappointing results

Over 30,000 men dead on our side alone, for two provinces. We are good diplomats yes.

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Another nation falls to the might of Ayutthaya! Granted it was a small nation.
Very small.
As small as can be.
And it took thousands of deaths and hundreds of ducats.
But we defeated our nation's hidden crippling taco addiction, and that's the real victory isn't it?

 

[ef9283]

All of these Taco jokes have got ta co.