The New Glory of France, Beta Version 1.02

[montgomeryjlion]

And so we move on to Late April, 1851

Portugal Declares war on Spain
France responds with an offer of mediation.

"Children, turn over you African colonies and stop your petty quarrels or we'll ship you Madame L'President"

Eagerly waiting for response...

Tradepost fails in Kumasi, apparently because there are local Armies there.

The people of Normandie and Languedoc complain about high taxes again, lowering their loyalty from 60 to 59. Palace responds by putting out press release:
"Well Whoop-de-do!, we're SOOO worried"

New rage sweeps Paris Markets: Mangos!
Apparently, the amount our trading posts are importing has reached the point where consumers actually want the damn things, so we now have to import more from Central America. Ah well, another product for our Capitalists to make money on, and more money for the state.
Win Win Win

Chiefs of Podor and Kaolack urged to cede land to the Glory of France.
"Urge" is delivered to Gendarmie armed with Rifles. Chiefs respond positively.

Chief of Kayes signs treaty with France agreeing to import Bocce Balls.
Refuses "Free throw-in" of Madame L'President
Whoever said that barbarians are stupid?

Additional treaty with chief of Casamance.

Merchants sent to Boffa.

Chief of Bassam bribed. More Bocce balls...
Same goes for Gabon.

Tradeposts ordered up for Tolanaro and Toliara in Madagascar.

New Merchant ship ordered up to enable us to trade with our colonies in Madagascar eventually.

End turn...

Early May

Our explorers on the West coast continue to fail.
Told to try one more time and if they fail again, we'll send them to investigate the North Pole.

Tradepost fails in Lagos with the error:
"The decision Colonial Tradepost is not valid. You don't have another decision with the needed attribute."
English translators sent this with the memo "WTFO?"

Merchants in Tolanaro come home after deciding that they'd rather play Bocce...

Successful research on Dynamite and Capital Markets.

Schools opened in Dakar and Senegal to teach the young heathen about the glory of their new country. Bocce Leagues started...

Merchants sent to Fianarntsoa in Madagascar to urge locals to PLEASE make your names shorter....

End turn...

Late May
Explorers unsuccessful in Dhakla (African West Coast again). Urged maybe to try further east...

Missions open on the west coast of Morocco to bring God to the heathen Muslims...Or at least that's what I think the Cardinal told us in between bouts with the choirboy...

Explorers find Kita, east of Kayes. Congratulated and rewarded with new Bocce set, set out again with renewed spirits to find new territories south of Kayes.

Alphonse Henri elected Chief du Gouvernement of France.
A totally useless prat (All 1 ratings)
President urged to send him on next state visit to the headhunters in Central Africa.

Ammo shop started in Auvergne.

Chiefs on East coast of Africa negotiated with.

Chiefs in Libya bribed.
Chief in Laghouar bribed although our data for that province shows a population of 0. Maybe we're bribing the camels...

End turn...

Early June

Russia declares war on Prussia.
France pours oil on the fire...

Exploration party in West Africa continues to be a bunch of F--k-ups.
As a final desperate measure, offer is made to detachment commander of aid from Madame L'President...

Military outpost opened in Kayes to overawe the natives and to kick their collective asses if they don't embrace L'Gloire...

"The proposal Full War initiated by Taiping Heavenly Kingdom has been agreed upon by China"
How very civilized, but whose ball are they using?

Road network started in Senegal.

Consumers of France continue to demand even more Mangos.
Also, Coffee and Tobacco (Hmm, nice combination)

End Turn...


Late June

Missions in Morocco are really kicking ass, massive leap in CP in two of them so far. Time to hire more Abbes.

Outpost opens in Kaolack, Control lines show region has joined our Glorious Fraternite. Just in time for Bastille day, too.
Immigrants arrive in Figuig and raise French flag. Need to send some troops down as it shows disputed military control with Aldjazair.

Foreign Legion ordered to march there from Oran.

Merchants in Sassandra come home after failing to find Garden of Eden.
At least thats the excuse they gave. We think they just missed Bocce.

Sewer system improves in Lyon and Paris. Celebrations in Paris as L'Odeur decreases from direction of Presidential Palace. President stays in Lyon.

New merchant fleet arrives and is dispatched to the Indian Ocean.

Chemical Lab opens in Bretagne. Scientists urged to invent Deoderant.

Railway opens in Normandie.

Research completed on Carl Von Clausewitz.
Scientists who studied a German writer are put up against the wall and shot..

Railway started in Languedoc.

Missionaries sent to Namib and Angra in Southwest Africa to convert the heathen. And recruit more choirboys for the Cardinal.

More missionaries sent to Suakin in Sudan and Horn of Africa.

Merchants sent to Aden.

Chiefs of Lagos, Kumasi, Sassandra, Boffa and Kayes bribed with good old Francs....

Immigrants sent to Ampanihy in Madagascar to set up Bocce League.

End turn..

Early July

Missionary fails to reach Suakin, apparently there is a revolt there.
Wimps...

Tradepost fails in Sassandra for unknown reasons...

We have successfully researched the Origin of Species. Meeting held at Notre Dame to determine whether to reopen French Inquistion and start with those Scientists. Meeting adjourned after it's agreed that although Cardinals did not descend from Apes, it's certainly possible that Madame L'President did...

Steel factories reopened in Lorraine due to the fact that we're using a lot of it...
Bocce season cancelled.
Riot Police called in...

2 Mineral quarrys started...
And one wood loggin site...

Sewer improvements started in Provence and Normandie...

Missionary sent to Gafsa in Southern Tunisia...

The French Economy as of the beginning of July, 1851:

"Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life."
Charles de Gaulle

 

[montgomeryjlion]

ate July

Bribe the chiefs of Bizerte and Tunisia

Treaties with the chiefs of Rabat and Tangiers

Get chiefs of Agadir and Ifni to Cede territory

Send missionaries to Nouakchott and Maghana

End turn...

Early August...
Activities in France shut down as everybody goes on vacation...

Rebels in Senegal, so move armies around to handle them:

Wood Logging Plant finishes in Franche Comte

End turn...

Late August
Missionaries convert the heathen in Aaiun, urge them to change the name to something that doesn't start with 4 vowels...

Missionaries refuse to go to Angra because it is marked on the map as being Sudwest Afrika and that sounds German to them...

Timbo province found by exploration party which will now move east, looking for link to east Africa...

Roads upgraded in Annaba

Merchants leave Kayes due to lack of beaches in August, relocate to Costa del Sol

Mineral quarries finish in France but are left idle due to workers eagerly watching final of the Bocce World Cup.

Missionary and merchants sent to Kita. We'll let the natives decide, Goods or God?

Bribe Chiefs of Timbo, Bassam, and Gabon.

Treaty sought with chief of Toliara

Chief of Tunis urged to cede land so we can build a Bocce field.

Railroad started in Vendee

End Turn...

Early September, 1851

Missionaries continue to convert the heathen, this time in Safi.

Missing expedition finally does something useful and finds Murghayn, send them back to look for coast again.

Regain control of Kaolack from Natives without a fight (Such a pity)

Schools open in Dakar and Senegal

Merchants from Toliara and Lamu come home

Other exploration army continues to search east.

Mission of 2nd largest Merchant fleet aborts as we have failed to maintain minimum 100 ships. Umm, whatever, haven't lost any, built more. Again, the phrasing may be a bit off, maybe should have built more... C'est la vie

Just checking F4 screen and notice that apparently the funding requirements for Tech Teams have been lowered to 50 from 250 in the previous version. Wondered why we were still making money hand over fist....
Fund two more then: Standardized screw and Ironcladding Wooden ships

Merchants sent to Zagora in Algeria and Mayumba in West Africa.

End turn...

Late September

Drive east stalls as exploration party takes time out to take a dip in the River Niger.
Reprimanded. Sent back out...

Missionaries arrive in Hobyo and Busaso on Somali coast, urged to get provinces renamed to less silly names...

Ammo shop opens in Auvergne

Manufactured Goods factory started in Languedoc

France goes on a chief bribing spree along coast of Morocco, telling the chiefs we'll get the Priests to shut up about Wednesday Evening Mass...

Missionaries sent to Boffa and Bissau in West Africa

Gunboats ordered to Podor and Kaolack. Have to be put on wheels to get to Kaolack
(French Industry loves a challenge)

End Turn...

Early October, 1851

Military outpost started in Aaiun

Merchants dispatched to Cabinda and Boma in Congo.

Lull in activity due to regional finals of Wold Cup Bocce

End turn...

Late October, 1851

Missionaries refuse mission to Boffa.
Said the name is too silly...

But other missionaries agree to go to Maghana and Nouakchott, go figure...

Assigned mission of Tamanrasset in Sahara. Double clicking on it shows in deep in MMOFA (Miles and Miles of F--K All) territory.

Start to build another exploration party along with Prospecting party so we can start exploring the Sahara.

Start building new colonial brigade in Senegal.

Railway starts in Vosges.

Bribe chiefs of Maghana and Kita
Treaties with chiefs of Timbo and Boffa
Cede territory from chiefs of Sassandra and Bassam

Missionaries head off to Indochina, provinces Tourane, Pleiku and Vinh Long

The French in West Africa:

End turn, and time to take a break...

 

[montgomeryjlion]

And moving on to Early November...

Missionaries refuse to go to Central Vietnam because they don't want to argue with Vietnamese Monks...

Start building an Expedition Brigade and a mixed expedition brigade so we can start enhancing our military power...
Will need lots more...

Also, start building a Transport (Steam) squadron to move our Colonial troops around...

Missionaries are dispatched to Warri and Biafra in Nigeria...

End Turn...

Late November, 1851

Merchants came home from Boffa and Kumasi.

Mission set up in Kita.

Railroad finished in Languedoc

We declare war on Wolof to see if we can firm up our control of Senegal.

Treaty with the chief of Lagos

Bribe chiefs of Sassandra, Bassam, Boffa.

Get chief of Kayes to cede some territory

Missionary sent to Lagos

Merchants to Ibadan and Mombassa

End Turn...

Early December

Mission fails in Bissau

Exploration party finally locates coast of Africa after too many attempts, confirms it abuts water. Receives personal letter of thanks from Madame L'President inviting them to her home. Party unanimously votes to go further into the desert.

Roads upgraded in Senegal

New troops loaded onto ships to be dispatched to Senegal. Then will be divided there and sent on.

Wolof army in Dakar disappeared, giving us control. French troops disgruntled they couldn't shoot some locals. Ask to go big game hunting instead but reminded that by order of Monsieur Le President and his chief Adviser, humans are only allowed to hung big cats armed equally with big cats, i.e. naked and armed with natural weapons (Teeth, fingernails). Troops decide to get drunk instead.

As soon as new troops arrive, we'll declare war on Tukulor and Possibly Trarza too so we can get full control of Senegambia.

Anchorage built in Dakar.
Coaling station upgraded in Senegal.

Missionary sent to Boffa

Finish turn...

Late December, 1851, 2 years down!! Only 68 to go!
At this rate, might finish by the end of the year...

Missionary in Nouakchott preaches blinding sermon on silliness of name of province, CP goes higher.

Belgium proposes state visit, which we accept expecting a surrender.

Exploration finds Bamako in West Central Africa. Pushes on...

Colonists arrive in Madagascar, are horrified to find that the place name is unpronounceable...

Merchants leave Benghazi after failing to sell genuine (No, really) Dior and Luis Vuitton bags to locals. Locals made silly point that those gentlemen won't be born for another 100 years. Details, details...

Monsieur Le President stages a Coup d'Etat, removing the bozo as head of Government. Madame Le President successfully hides amidst large shoe collection and remains in Presidential Palace.

Another transport squadron is dispatched with brigade to Bassam to secure territory.

Wolof flee to protection of British, but we ignore this and attack anyway.
(Allowed because Banjul is not a British Colony or Protectorate, only British Influenced Territory)

Missionary dispatched to Accra to preach against heathen (Well, Lutheran, but same difference ) Danes.

Merchants also sent with a load of handballs proudly marked NOT MADE IN DENMARK.
Locals expected to snap them up.

Bribes sent off to chiefs of Aden, and down the horn of Africa.

French immigrants set off for Saigon, assured that there is a Bocce court and lots of bars.

Turn ended....

"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the Monkey cage"
- H.L. Mencken

 

[Inostra]

A interesting game!

 

[Stuyvesant]

Does it change anything in the game that Louis has crowned himself Emperor? Any differences in the way the government is run, or does it only affect the stats of the man in power (in the sense that you have a new leader, hence different stats)?

 

[montgomeryjlion]

Seems to have no effect on game play.
Stats didn't change as the same prat stayed as Prime Minister (1-1-1)

 

[Prussian Prince]

Update!

 

[montgomeryjlion]

By popular demand, the Lion has returned from his, er, vacation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ6cw_MuTDE&playnext=1&list=PLF1A2848A0AAA4AD3
to find that the President is now the Emperor and Madame L'President has obtained another 3 palaces (2 of them just for shoes) but, alas, no new bath.

The Bocce/Petanque (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P%C3%A9tanque)competition is hotting up.
Oh, right, France has also managed to "adopt" a large, and growing, slice of West:

and North Africa:

as well as South-East Asia:

The conquest of the rest of Africa has been (Temporarily) put on hold due to the love of Madame L'Empress (As she now insists on being called) for Luxuries (Mainly Shoes. Alas, not perfume)

Meanwhile, as the Emperor engages in yet another round of Baccarat (http://www.baccaratguide.org/),
the capitalists have managed to get the French Economy running along just fine, thank you:

In Europe, the French Diplomatic Corps has been engaged in it's usual tricks, playing with their mistresses and ignoring their duties so French Hegemony has been delayed for another 10 years until the Lion manages to recruit some competent diplomats, if such a thing exists in France.
There are rumors of something happening in Italy but as the Emperor has developed a detestation for those horrible people (Who keep allowing the Madame L'Empress to go shoe shopping and, what's worse, allowing her to leave with the shoes, and what's even worse, giving her credit), we haven't much bothered with details although the French Army has moved into position just in case:

Now, it is May, 1859 and we resume to the ongoing saga of Montgomery J. Lion
(Here, pictured with one of his loyal Lieutenants:

HLIC (Head Lion in Charge), EIW (Emperor in Waiting), and CLICOKW (Chief Lion in charge of Killing Wildebeest)...

 

[montgomeryjlion]

September, 1859:
To stop ours, and others boredom, we're only going to update every 6 months, or if something happens worth mentioning.

In Africa, we have occupied Wolof lands, though the Wolof army continues to lurk in Nouakachott at full strength. Since the last reasonable force we tried to send up there got destroyed (Or at least few survivors came back and we figure that the rest probably did not try to retire there), we figured the Wolof could, at least for now have the place, since they evince little desire to leave the place. We figure by now they've pretty well moved in, found a wife (If this is the kind of woman you find desireable:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/3429903.stm)

So, the Trarzans have been conquered and their Army has disappeared, presumably the Trarzans have learned to love France, or at least act like they love France, which is good enough for us for now.
We're also at war with Tukulor and have overrun 2/3 of their provinces (Took a while to find all the provinces and we didn't want to declare war on them until we did). Conquering them is another issue due to the VERY slow movement in that part of Africa and the fact that any army moving that slowly loses all cohesion, meaning ANY enemy force will beat them in combat, and supply, meaning they ran out of French Bread and Brie (And probably, wine also, which means they all refuse to march any further).

Algeria has been fully developed (Or as full as it's probably going to get). We're ignoring the Sahara pretty well since we can't be bothered with a lot of sand, and any troops marching there seem to "poof" away.
Tunisia and Morocco are protectorates, which is as good as it gets without declaring war on them, which we won't bother with unless they refuse to send us new recruits for the French Football team).

We've given up for now on the rest of Africa due to the "bug"(Feature) which prevents us from expanding our Gabon and Cote d'Ivoire colonies.
Madagascar proceeds slowly, and we're finally building up a few brigades to help us bring French Civilization and Culture to the Malagasy People (Or at least that's what the press release put out by the French Colonial Ministry says. Always good for a laugh, their communiques.)
In South-East Asia, the search goes on for why we can't declare Cambodia and Annam to be Protectorates. Ahh, more of those wonderful features....

We continue to slowly but surely expand the economy, every now and then we build a few more factories or resource extraction sites, just because we can and you never know when you'll need more of everything.
(Shockingly, the game does not have an option to build factories that produce Bocce/Boules/Petanque Balls, or Footballs, or Bicycles, and no extraction sites that produce Brie or French Bread. Surely no True Frenchman had anything to do with the production of this product?)
We presume that Luxury Good Factories produce shoes (Especially the types of shoes preferred by Madame L'Empress, with lots of sparkly bits, ridiculously high heels, and no style merit whatsoever) so we've been producing a few of those to keep up with the growing demand (With most of it coming from one address in Paris, Palace de'Elysee).
We've produced a new army for the folks over at the Invalides to play with. The Emperor did request, however, that they not actually USE the Army, as the site of blood causes him great personal distress. The Ministerie de Defence promised to only use the Troops out of the Emperors site)

Here is West Africa in September, 1859, showing the French army blundering around (Sorry, correction by the Colonial Ministry, engaging in suppression operations against Terrorists and Troublemakers. Thanks for that, guys), a completely lost British Army which seems to have taken up residence in Senegal (Though we keep trying to get them to leave by insisting we have no Tea but if there's one thing a British Army has LOTS of, it is Tea), a German expedition and fleet which we've tried confusing by putting up signs saying Berlin 50 KM), and a lonely Tuareg camel up north guarding the river which our soldiers south of the river like to use for target practice.

"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."
- Voltaire

 

[montgomeryjlion]

So, we move to April, 1860

We're told this is a very significant day in history by the Astrologer of Madame L"Empress but since her Peke ate the particular card that said WHY it is a significant day, we'll just have take her word for it....

So, Austria declared war on Sardinia-Piedmont in Late November. France immediately offered support as the Armies prepared to march.
Alas, got a letter from Turin saying something like "Destinatario sconosciuto" which our trusty translators assure us meant that we weren't supposed to send a letter to the President of Sardinia-Piedmont. Anyway, all the Italian States basically collectively told us to "F--K OFF" so the Emperor delightedly cancelled the military alert and called for more drills and parades (He especially loves when they fire the artillery at piles of his wife's shoes).
We thought about forging an alliance with Austria but we got a letter back from Vienna saying something like "Adressat unbekannt" which our (Different) translators assure us means that the President of Austria is not interested in an alliance. Be that way...
So, meanwhile as the French Border Guards watch with a vague amount of interest (When they're not watching the skiers), the Austrian Army has steamrolled Piedmont, and we figure that the conquest should be over any day soon. At which point we hope that they'll make peace at which point the Emperor has told the Army they can play with their toys and liberate our Cousins held in unjust bondage by those fiendish Piedmontese (Next time, they'll accept our invitation to help, President or no President).

Meanwhile, the conquest of Africa proceeds VERY slowly.
We've stopped giving the Emperor daily briefs about it and told him that all Africa will soon be French.
Seems to keep the old man happy.
He'd be even happier if we shipped Madame L'Empress as the new Empress of Africa but we figure not even the Africans deserve THAT.

We only have one Tukulor Province remaining to be "pacified" (We love these terms the Colonial Ministry comes up with, provide hours of amusement).
The problems are that it just takes forever to do, as we have to move an army in (Which takes 2 months). Then consolidate while we build a depot and bring up Military Control to over 50 (Which takes a few months). Then proceed. Only two more areas to go.
Then we'll have to figure out mechanisms to "Liberate" Sierra Leone and Bissau from the British and the Portuguese. Then we'll keep moving West.
Slow but steady...

In Madagascar, the French Army has started moving North, bringing Civilization (Especially Bocce) to the confused natives and the other locals:

The Malagasy Army has managed to acquire Artillery from somewhere and a VERY confused bunch of Yanks, er, Americans have taken up residence in our enclave.
Our Governor has informed us that all attempts to teach them Bocce have been met with the response of "Yeh, but when do we get to hit the other guy?". Our translators have been fired for failing to make any sense out of that whatsoever.

Meanwhile, the American Civil War lasted so short we barely noticed it, as the separation of the country into North and South has been finalized in an apparently amicable divorce (Our (new) translators inform us that that sentence makes no sense whatsoever, since there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. We were going to fire them but the Emperor insisted that's the first thing he's heard this year that makes sense. Whatever.)

Our Governor in South-East Asia (Who used to be in charge of the Madame L'Empress' shoe collection until he was deemed unfit) has informed us that the conquest of the region proceeds "apace" whatever the f--k that means. Since we can't be bothered to learn Vietnamese or Cambodian, and our Advisers inform us that South-East Asia is entirely lacking in any Wildebeest or Zebra, the Lion has decided to let the Governor play with his toys as he seems quite content to be as far away from Madame as possible. Can't say we blame him.
And so it goes...

 

[montgomeryjlion]

February, 1861

Yeh, my Mommy tells me to write more often too...
Deal with it...

So, where are we:

Oh, yes.
Austria and Sardinia-Piedmont made peace with, as far as can tell, no result whatsoever (Would be nice if we could get a glimpse of Peace results)
So, it being too late in the year, France steadily and stealthily draws her dagger preparing to stab Sardinia-Piedmont in the ba..

No, No, wait, delete that last bit.
Um, start over,
The oppressed citizens of Nice and Savoy, proud of being French and desperate to rejoin their brothers in the Maternal Embrace of France Gloire do call out for their salvation from the Italian Oppressors. Naturally, the French Army and Emperor, who only serve to do the will of the French People, do answer as one that "We shall not rest until ALL Frenchman are once again a part of the Glorious French Nation."

Right, read that back, OK, much better, put that one out, make sure you erase and delete the original.
What, you can't?

EXECUTIONER!!!!

Right, where were we....

(Just can't get decent scribes these days)

Moving right along...

The Turks and Russians seem to have got into a bit of a tussle about something or other. The Turks apparently called out for aid from us and Britain (At least that's what I read in the Times) but the message to Emperor seems to have gotten lost. We've sent a courier to get a new one but sea transportation is SO expensive these days so I'm afraid he'll have to walk. He should be in Istanbul to receive the new request sometime in 1862 we're told.

Meanwhile,

France has now proclaimed a few new Protectorates, in the Niger Basin (THAT got the Emperor excited until we explained to him that this was not a very large bath, but instead an area drained by the River Niger. He lost interest immediately), Madagascar (We obtained a few of the legendary Lemurs as pets for the Queen but they seem to have immediately escaped and were last seen living in the rafters of the KanKan club. Whoever said Lemurs were stupid.), Cambodia (Although that was immediately cancelled (Our translators (Are they the 4th or 5th set we've had this year? One loses track of pond scum so easily.) inform us that in Cambodian Protectorate means Slave (To which our response was: "And?...") so some of the, erm, former translators have been sent to Cambodia to, erm, re-negotiate the treaty), and Annam(Though we insisted they rename the country that sounds a bit less silly. We suggested Petit Paris. No response yet.)

The campaign against the Tukulor continues to drag on. One more province to go although large groups of, in the words of the General in Charge, who we think was born English, "Large Negroid Chaps with Large Spears, filed teeth, and Malevolent expressions" keep attacking us.
We advised the General to use, in our words, "Some of those Large Cannons with Big Cannonballs and fire them up the Negroid Chaps' Arses."
That seems to be doing the trick so far.

We've pulled some troops out of Madagascar (They were quite disappointed as they were enjoying the new sport of "Lemur Chasing") and sent them over to Gabon to once again try to conquer the place as Monsieur Pocus has assured us it will work this time.

We hereby inform Monsieur Pocus that if it DOESN'T work, he might receive a visit from Madame L'Empress demanding answers...
Especially if we have to restart this game...

So, the French Army masses on the Italian Border, preparing to launch a war of Liberation.
The French Navy prepares to blockade the island of Sardinia.
(The Emperor was quite excited when he was informed that we have many ships in our Navy. He explained that his favorite little toy boat which he likes to push around his bath going "Vroom, Vroom" has a small hole in it and regularly sinks. We dispatched the Lord High Admiral to explain to His Majesty that a Ship of the Line will NOT fit in His Majesty's bath. At which point he totally lost interest, although he did inquire as to whether there was a place on board for Madame L'Empress. The answer was decidedly in the negative. The Lion, being a Feline, has no interest in ships or the water.)

The French Colonial Army continues to run around swatting at "Large Negroids with Large Spears".

And, unnoticed by most of the French Government, the French Economy continues to hum along and expand, with new Gold Mines having opened in West Africa.

"The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun."
-Buckminster Fuller

"An honest politician is who, when he is bought, stays bought."
- Simon Cameron

 

[montgomeryjlion]

July, 1861

Right where were we...
"In that year, a Lion did rule all the Kingdoms, and men bowed before him, as is right, and all the world was blessed with his magnificence and glory. And the people did salute him, and call him Lord, and did worship him."
Right, we'll keep that bit on ice for when we need it....

So, moving right along,

We see from our reading of the Times that there seems to be a war on somewhere over in the Middle East but as the only time we actually read the Times is when we finish the Crossword Puzzle, and by then the front of the page is rather stained with Coffee and other liquids, we're not quite sure what is really happening.
And, to be honest, couldn't really give a s--t either.

We've tried several times to declare war on Sardinia-Piedmont but apparently we have to, according to the foreign office, succeed in forging a Casus Belli.
Right, how difficult can that be, really. I mean, come on.
Go down to the stews of Paris, there are plenty of good forgers there.
And, really, who gives a s--t really? I mean we're stabbing, I mean liberating our imprisoned brethren. Isn't that enough?
Geez, I hate playing by the rules....

So, the French Army continues to march up and down the border, getting lots of exercise, while the diplomats attempt to forge some bad Latin phrases.
Sigh...

In Africa, our Armies apparently continue to play Tennis with the Tukulor, or at least that's all we can imagine they're doing.
Apparently, our General down there thinks it isn't "Cricket" to just massacre the bastards.
Who let a bastard Englishman command a French Army anyway. So, we're going to seek volunteers to go down and sort the bastards.

We can't get these Protectorates to stick. Now you see them, now you don't. Can't keep one going long enough for it to stick. Sigh...

So, that's all there is.
We'll get back to you when the French Diplomatic Corps figures out how to say "Stick it to the Bastards" in Latin.
Forged Latin at that.
Sigh...

Oh, and we almost forgot to mention that Sardinia has had two, count them two crises.
The first was with Moldavia over, and we quote:
"The tensions were generated by allegations that troubles and riots were instigated purposely. Diplomats from Moldavia were brilliant(s)(Sic) and humiliated the plenipotentaries of Sardinia-Piedmont"
Well, wasn't that nice?
The second was with Bolivia over the insulting of an Ambassador.
Who needs the North Pole, anyway?

 

[montgomeryjlion]

January, 1863

My, how time flies when you're having..
OK, never mind.

Hitting next turn a lot waiting for diplomats so we can forge a Casus Belli is not fun.
But, heck, got some work in so can't be all bad.

So, what happened the last few years, you may ask.

Not much...

Annam, Madagascar and Cambodia embraced the Fraternal Bonds of Friendship put forward by the Glorious French Nation (Foreign Office again, always good for a laugh) and are now formal Protectorates. (We changed the wording in Cambodian so that it said bondservant instead of slave. Seemed to keep them happy.) (Oh, and we got rid of the French Minister to Cambodia for suggesting that perhaps that site called Angkor Wat would be a great testing ground for new French Artillery shells. Didn't go over well.)
So, we've told the French Governor of South-East Asia to move on to Tonkin and Laos next.

The secret, BTW, to building any building anywhere is: No foreign military units (Including locals) can be present UNLESS your military units are ALSO present.
PITA, is what it is...

The West African tennis match goes on.
We send 45000 troops including Cavalry and Artillery, they send 12000 Natives with Spears and Filed Teeth. Battle results in a stalemate, French troops suffer higher casualties and run away.
Sigh....

Example from last battle:
French: 53449 Men, 3304 Horses, 54 Canons(sic) (Led by a good 2 star general)
Tukulor: 13250 Men

Result:
French Losses 3280 Men
Tukulor Losses: 973 Men
French run away.

What is one to do?
Suggestions welcome.

we've sent a few more Colonial Regiments and a few Colonial Generals down to help but we're not sure it will do any good.

So, had a crisis with S-P.
The results were:
The crisis between S-P and France has now ended. The tensions were generated by contentious matters around the behavior of several ministers. Diplomats from France were brilliant(s)(sic) and humiliated the plenipotentiaries of Sardinia-Piedmont. Prestige gain for France is 1613. Prestige gain for S-P is 62.

In case you're wondering, the contentious matters had to do with the L'Empress Minister (His formal title, poor chap) attempting to return a "few" (By our count 14 container loads, about 12,000 in total) shoes that Madame L'Empress found inadequate. Apparently not enough sparkly bits.

So, the French Army prepares to finally use their toys and invade Sardinia-Piedmont, which is also tied up in a war with the Two Sicilies. Although the only result of that we've seen is that Sicily is in full rebellion.

The French Armee D'Italie consists of:
Troisieme Armee in Provence:
Led by Lt. General McMahon (3-1-0) (Yeh, he's a prat)
64000 Men, 48 Guns

Corps de Napoleon Joseph in Basses Alpes
Led by Major General Napoleon Joseph (Fancy that)(3-2-0)(Yeh, he's a prat too)
42000 Men, 150 Guns

Corps de Reserve in Dauphine
Led by Lieutenant General Adolphe Niel (5-3-2)(Our stud)
45000 Men
130 Guns

Quatrieme Armee in Dauphine
Led by Lt. General Faidherbe (4-3-0)(Not totally worthless)
46000 Men
150 Guns

Corps de Camou
Led by Maj. General Jacques Camou (4-1-1)
32000 Men
120 Guns

So, if this lot can't take them out, we're in deep Kimche....

Oh, and the Danish Crisis just erupted so that should keep the Germans busy for a year or so we hope.

And finally, on a personal note:
As I've seen in some businesses:
If you don't like what we're doing, tell us.
If you like what we're doing, tell others.

But no criticism of the Lion will be tolerated.
Compliment all you wish, though.
(He likes to be told how cool he is.)

"It better befits a man to laugh at life than to lament over it"
-Seneca

 

[Stuyvesant]

I disappeared for a few days (got GTA IV on the cheap during a GamersGate sale - exit spare time) and when I cautiously stick my head back in, there are about fifty updates (!) for me to catch up on! Whoops!

I won't make any promises, but I'll try to read and comment in the next few days. In the mean time, thanks for continuing with this story.

-Stu-

 

[Garuda]

Excellent AAR. I hope it will help me get to grips with the game. Just bought it.

I started up last night for the first time. Took one look. Pushed a few buttons to see what they do and closed down again.

It's a bit daunting.

 

[loki100]

this is excellent stuff, another really good intro to PoN and funny as well

 

[montgomeryjlion]

For those who are wondering, this game is on hiatus until Pocus can figure out why, after conquering all of Sardinia-Piedmont, we get a message that the war has expired and the entire French occupying army is magically teleported back to mainland France with peace declared.

But until then, we would not be honorable if we did not mention those brave French Martyrs who were wounded and killed by enemy action during this great hour of the French Empire.

We will mention only those who suffered due to Enemy Action:

Wounded in Action:
Captain Henri Ducroux (Stabbed in the rear by a pitchfork as he was liberating the agricultural produce (2 chickens) of one farm.
Lieutenant Theodore Gutre (Stabbed by a broken bottle as he was celebrating the winning of the fortress of Turin a little too boisterously in a Turin Wine Bar)
Sergeant Phillipe Revengant (Kneed in the crotch by an Italian Lady of the Night as he was too heartily attempting to kiss her to celebrate the fall of Genoa)
Corporal Roger Niedkamp (Fell off a commandeered horse that he was attempting to "sieze as war booty" after neglecting to check the saddle was properly fastened)
Private Gabriel Porgannt (Hit in the toe by a stray round while observing the bombardment of Allesandria while sitting on the banks of a nearby creek)
Private Bernard Marsant (Broke his ankle while dodging the broom of a lady whose attentions he was too adamant in attracting)
Private Xavier Utro (Burned his palm while attempting to pick up a stray cannonball that had not yet cooled near the fortress of Nice)

France salutes you all!!

And, especially, one who paid the ultimate price:

Major Yves Reveillant (Broke his neck while attempting to raise the French Flag over the Fortress of Marseille to celebrate it's fall to the French Army. (Apparently had been drinking a little too much wine the night before and did not realize that Marseille was ALREADY in French hands at the beginning of war.) )

A proposal to enshrine Major Reveillant beside the other heroes in the Invalides was narrowly defeated in the Chamber of Deputies. Nevertheless, his State Burial at Pere Lachaise Cemetery was attended by over 100,000 of his countrymen led by the Emperor himself.
In supreme acknowledgement of his sacrifice, the Chamber of Deputies did agree (by a 3 vote margin) to halt all Boules competition nationwide for 10 minutes in honour of this heroic martry.
(Note must be made here, reluctlantly, of the criminal extaordinaire, whose name will always live in the annals of infamy, Eric Hontres, who was seen to have moved his Boules ball by nudging it with his toe while all his teammates and opponents stood with heads bowed and tears streaming down their faces during the 10 minute silence. After a trial followed by the entire population of France, this scum was found guilty (of course). Sentencing was very difficult as various punishments were rejected (Banishment to Devils Island: Too easy on him. Execution by torturing: Too easy on him.). Finally, it was decided that only one punishment was sufficient for a crime of this magnitude: A 5 year sentence cleaning Madame L'Empress' Bathroom. The prisoner was last seen being dragged out of the courtroom and begging for execution instead.

To be continued (maybe)...

 

[CommanderCody]

Just stumbled on your quite helpful and humorous AAR as I prepare to fire up this game for the first time. Looks like you've lost interest, but if you continue you'll have at least one reader.

Cheers,
CC

 

[Pelarys]

This really makes me want to want to buy PoN. Now if I didn't have this master thesis to finish...

Anyway, I really like your style. Keep up the good work. I am just missing one thing: a picture of Monsieur le President. I'd like to have a look at that filou!

Agreed, the more I read about PoN the more I want to buy it. And yes to the magnificent "moustache" of the Président.

EDIT : Ho god, I had not realized how late I was. Sorry for the necromancy.