The Crusader Mafia
Part 40: Tired of Fat(imids)? Try the Neapolitan Diet!
We begin in January 1215. King Sviatopolk Spartenos and his wife Christina get right down to business, expecting a child on the 27th.
On February 28th, Athenian armies begin using maces. Crude club-like weapons: the wave of the future.
In March, they translate the Bible in Atheniai, too. Don’t know why; Orthodox rituals are already done in Greek, right? (1)
On April 5th, typhoid arrives in Salerno.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: You know, I really should be King of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, and Debilitating Plagues.
Advisor: How about becoming King of Egypt instead?
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: But I already have the required provinces for this one! *grumble* Fine, Egypt it is...
But first, he had to watch the newly independent Bishop of Trapani decline a vassalization offer on July 16th. (2)
One month later, King Sviatopolk declared a Grand Mobilization of all the soldiers his vassals could find. (Given the Kingdom’s total manpower was about 110,000, it could also be called a Grand Mob.) It worked, and soon soldiers were readying for war, though it took some time.
On October 7th, 1215, Christina Spartenos had a son, Andronikos.
On November 8th, the mace was put into use in Roma.
On November 20th, 1215, King Sviatopolk Spartenos declared war on the Kingdom of Fatimids. He personally commanded a 10,000 man army headed for Alexandria. Anonymously commanded regiments pitched in. Oddly, the bulk of the Fatimid armies seemed set on holding Monemvasia. Anyway, the Neapolitan armies swept over Egypt like a mint-green tide. The dates of their sieges and battles aren’t recorded, though. (3)
On December 30th, 1215, boiled leather was discovered in Salerno.
On February 15th, 1216, the war continued. While it was doing so, Athenian farmers did a bad job selecting seeds.
On February 26th, the formalized liturgy was put into use in Malaga.
On March 11th, letters of credit were discovered in Roma.
Thirteen days later, Alexandria underwent a major cultural change, becoming Greek and Orthodox. That rocks.
Meanwhile, the Fatimid armies had all ganged up in Monemvasia, and beaten back the Neapolitan forces there. And they then packed up on ships and headed back for Egypt....
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Come on, guys! Siege faster!
Soldier: We’re trying, we’re trying!
In domestic affairs, on May 13th Christina became pregnant. This is suspicious owing to the fact King Sviatopolk is away on campaign.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Maybe all the palace guards should be eunuchs?
*All palace guards cross their legs nervously*
On June 15th, clothmaking was discovered in recently captured Cairo.
On June 29th, Malaga’s Court of Justice got knocked down by some hooligans. Even though soldiers were mobilized in the province and hadn’t gone anywhere yet.....
On July 11th, a Roma inhabitant brought home the bacon, as it were, bringing domesticated pigs to the province.
On July 23rd, the province of Asyut learned of Critical Bible Interpretations, despite being Muslim. Critical Koran Interpretations?
Owing to the return of about 10,000 Fatimids to Egypt, King Sviatopolk decides that Sudan just isn’t worth it. On July 29th, 1216, peace accords are signed in Cairo. The Neapolitans are left with all of Fatimid Egypt except Sudan. The Arabs keep their lands in the Levant, though. For now.....
On August 20th, King Sviatopolk Spartenos proclaims himself King of Egypt. Eight days after, he makes himself Prince of Damietta and Cairo as well. He would also be Prince of Alexandria, but the Byzantines hold two of the provinces he needs for that.
Despite King Sviatopolk’s good stewardship skill, he can’t handle all of Egypt, and so hands portions of it to family members. Beginning September 1st, he makes Draganos Spartenos Count of Asyut, Alexios Spartenos Count of Quena, Aswan, Cairo, and Sarquiya, 3-year-old Michael Spartenos Count of Pelusia, and Phillipos Spartenos Count of Manupura, Gaabiyaha, Delta, and Giza. Alexios is made Prince of Cairo; Phillipos becomes Prince of Damietta.
On September 24th, banded mail is put into use in Barcelona.
On October 16th, the missile barrage tactic spreads to Salerno.
Speaking of Salerno, on October 27th its typhoid is largely cured.
On December 5th, 1216, dismounted knights are used in Buhairya.
Buhairyan “Researcher:” Knights on camels really look a bit silly, so they might as well stay dismounted.
On January 20th, 1217, there is much rejoicing in Bari as the typhoid departs.
On February 5th, Christina Spartenos, wife of the King, dies in childbirth.
In Roma, people are saddened by this, and they get over it by writing romantic poetry on the 23rd.
On March 10th, construction begins on two spinning-mills: one in Alexandria, and one in Buhairya.
On April 15th, soil is inadequately prepared in Thessalonike.
In May, two independent counts, Ronald d’Alema and Malise d’Alema, in Cagliari and Trapani, refuse to become vassals of King Sviatopolk. (4)
On June 30th, Barcelona gets the small pox.
Disease-causing Bacterium: You thought us illnesses were through? No, we’ll keep on infecting and infuriating your provinces and you until you drop dead from frustration! Muahahahahaha!
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Hey, did anyone else hear a tiny voice promising revenge?
Advisor: Kinda..... could have been my cat. I forgot to feed him and now he wants to get back at me.
Disease-causing Bacterium: I hate being only 5 micrometers tall. (5)
On August 5th, a new court of justice is started in Malaga, to replace the one that had been egged during the war.
Then, there are a few slow months, as sometimes happens.
We must wait until December 10th for something worth recording. On that day, the spinning-mills are finished in Alexandria and Buhairya.
Staying in Egypt for a moment, on December 25th, 1215, some windmills are started in Buhairya.
On February 15th, 1218, archers started using reinforced longbows in Malaga.
On March 5th, the mint is discovered in Bari. Please, don’t use this as a jumping-off point for a discussion about inflation in EU2.
On May 5th, there are two events in two faraway places: Malaga’s new court of justice is finished, and full chainmail is developed in Thessalonike.
On July 4th, farmers in Roma begin to use iron ploughs.
A month later, the Bulgarian Eagle Company is not hired.
On September 25th, Buhairya’s windmills are completed.
On October 1st, the first stones are laid for a medium castle in Alexandria.
Four days later, prosperity in Napoli goes up, due to the draining of marshes and fens.
Next, a
really slow period.
November 1218: Nothing happened.
December 1218: The record seems rather empty...
January 1219: Happy New Year!
*snooze*
February 1219: Not much going on that month.
March 1219: Yawn....
April 1219: Nothing happened.
May 1219: Nope.
June 1219: Aha! Here we go! On June 30th, a smithy was started in Buhairya.
On July 7th, the nobility get “Prima Noctae Rights.”
Noble: Great! We now have Prima Noctae Rights! *whispers to another noble* What exactly are Prima Noctae Rights?
On August 6th, Neapolitan regiments begin using longswords.
On October 14th, the small pox departs from Barcelona. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
On November 19th, 1219, cathedral schools spread to Roma. Took them a while.
After this, Part 40 ends, on January 20th, 1220, to be exact.
Footnotes:
(1) Right? I need to take more history classes... and maybe theology too.
(2) Er... he was in the claimable area of the Kingdom of Naples, ‘twas a one-province county, and my ruler+chancellor diplomatic skill adds up to 29. What is the logic behind all this, anyway?
(3) My fault.... but I had three armies fighting at once, and such. That screenie shows how well I did.
(4) Both splinters from the Duchy of Pisa. And five king titles, 29 diplomatic skill, and all the tricks in the book short of “byzantine” don’t get them interested.
(5) I’m a little shabby on microscopic measurements. Anyone know the size of a bacterium?