Scene 1: The Courtroom
Gabi runs in late, his robe is wet and muddy
Gabriel, this court decides men’s fate for eternity, I think you could at least bother to turn up clean and tidy, obviously doing penance in Hell is bad for you
Its Harry …
You mean the Prince of Darkness
Yes, yes, him. He’s got most of hell digging drainage ditches in an attempt to relieve the waterlogging of his barbecue.
You mean he hasn’t yet understood the nature of divine punishment for all his evil acts aimed at the noble Boris?
Scene 2: The trial starts
Boris we know you reigned for almost 25 years but could you keep this brief. We have evidence of a malign conspiracy against you due to evidence supplied by a certain female demon, so we may discount some events.
Gabi looks bemused
Who?
Don’t you know?
No?
Oh
Excuse me
Yes, Boris
Does that mean you don’t want to know about all my churches?
Raphael turns to the clerks
We’ve only one on file?
Oh well it’s a sort of exemplar you see
I do not want exemplars, I want evidence. But Boris if you don’t mind, we’ll skip the full list. Maybe you can quickly give us the examples of piety that happened during your reign?
Well, it started well, what with members of the court being seen as saints and all that
Then one of them decided to start murdering the wildlife
And then they moved onto each other ... despite all the wars
I really didn’t understand these women, what with Mummy and Aunt Venla being so rebellious as well.
At least my son, Ivan started out well:
But I became more worried later on
But then he got back on track
But over the next few years he became even less able
So I married him off to the traditional Greek, hoping that would improve him:
but ... I mean just look at that chin
Ummh, ok now we’ve been over your wars and your zeal for bashing Muslims in the south was, well zealous. Could you give us an idea why?
Well, I was zealous so that sort of helped, and then I discovered what they’d done to Ireland and northern Britain:
Oh yes, we may have to look into that at some stage.
So we come to your death, do you have any idea who? I mean you’d defeated almost all your vassals in battle, you were planning a new religious war in the Ukraine, you were publicly denouncing your son as a numpty, so it’s a bit difficult to find candidates for:
However, when it comes to sentencing you, we are aware you were the victim of a considerable degree of malice from Hell
Was I?
Yes you were … and you have amassed a quite amazing piety score.
I think you should be sentenced to the fourth terrace of Purgatory[1]. You probably are guilty of too many crimes for direct entry.
Scene 3: Hell (a plot teaser)
Harry and Astarte stare at the barbecue pit. Harry is explaining that for some reason having now dried it out, all the fires in this corner of Hell have gone out.
“So do you think we should move it to somewhere a bit warmer? Even if I burn one of the damned they just splutter a bit”
“but you’ve put so much effort into it here …. I mean you’ve had the bare earth so nicely landscaped”
“Aye Astarte, you’re probably right … anyway don’t you think you were a bit rough with Ivan. I mean a short session with you and the poor lad could scarcely walk for the rest of his reign”.
[1] look it up yourselves, it sort of makes sense.
Does anyone care who poisoned Boris? What has Astarte done to Ivan? Why has she betrayed Harry’s secrets to Raphael? Pity about Ireland though