Chapter One; Don't Drink And Divine
Francesco The First, a name which will be emblazoned across text books across the world, most likely on an obscure on the side reference halfway through a boring chapter, and below that imposing name will read the words; "His tutors could not make a great man out of him; but we'll let him rule our nation anyway." Upon reading this many students will comment on what a fool he is and idly flip over to the next page; but little would they realise that this man set forth on a great journey that would see Athens catapulted to heights of new glory! And I bring you that story, today, right now, in an easy to view variable digital download speed format.
Francesco was an odd man, the ancient days of Greek glory were long gone; bulldozed over by the various Roman realms, various blood filled crusades between Muslims and Christians. But the ancient tales which he read about in old volumes and tales that he heard in his youth gave him a desire to recreate the glory of the past. As such, he took to wandering around his palace as a youth wearing togas and robes; emulating the styles of past Roman emperors. But one day his turn came to ascend the throne, and this is our man;
Just don't ask (muttered various court advisors to foreign visitors).
Now, he had ambition, not many brains, or charm, curtosy, manners, adequate grasp of verbal dexterity, composure, nerve, confidence... just grab a dictionary and cross out any redeeming complimentary words and I assure you he didn't have any of them. Now, with his ambition he intended to create a powerful toga wearing state in an age where wool spun tights reigned supreme. And to do so he wished to visit the ancient oracle of Delphi to gain a blessing from the god; a rather ambitious aim since it had been out of service for the past few centuries.
He intended to go immediatly, well, as you can guess, he did not, instead he lingered in the court, a little bit of wine in the cumpolsury celebrations of his corronation, a little bit more, some extra on the side; and finally two bottles just to satisfy a few friends for a bet.
But! He set of straight, well zigzaggy, away to the oracle site in order to find the blessing to secure his nations future, he climbed the mountain and passed many trials; the earth that rolled drunkenly beneath his feet, his terrible sense of direction and a terrible hoofed beast with two great horns, covered in shaggy fur and reminiscent of the devil... which he slayed in a stupour with his wine bottle.
Finally he arrived, and peering down into the chasm in which an obscure divine power apparently resided he meditated... bathing in the etheral smoke of the gods... it did not take long for the ethylene to start doing a salsa with the alcohol in his bloodstream.
"Oh mighty gods" He cried in a somewhat nasal voice, "Do you hear my cries? My pleas to create I more powerful land for my people? To abolish suffering and the horrors associated with uncomfortable undergarments?"
"Yes actually I do." Replied an omnescient voice in a suspiciously British accent, Francesco picked up on this.
"Oh mighty god, why do you speak with the tone of voice attributed to those who live in the far northern mists?" Demonstrating that perhaps he wasn't as much of a twit as we were given to believe... Never believe everything you read on the internet folks!
"Well... I... no I do not..."
"Aha! But you do!"
"Do I use the words ode and yee excessivly?"
"No all powerful entity of Delphi, but I expected something far more heavenly!"
*All Omnescient Voice Thinks About This For A Moment*
"Very well, how about this?" *Put's On Upper Middle Class British Accent*
"I doo saay Francesco the first what a truly spiffing toga you have donned today!"
"Oh Benevolance!" He cries flinging himself forwards in respect.
"Ah my dear chap call me Bernard."
"Bernard?"
"Yes Bernard my good man! Bernards a solid reliable name for a divine mission like this!"
"Very well Bernard my lord!"
"Good Show! And from now on you shall be known as... Pompalopadopalonabus... The Inconsistent"
"Ahh... say it again please Lord?
"Pompalopapoppadopolus The Inconsistant."
"But I thought tha-"
"The Inconsistent! Keep Up! Now, go forth and lead Athens to glory in the name of Bernard!"
"I shall my lord I shall!"
And so Pompalopadopalonabus The Inconsistent as he was now known sped off into the night to bring the news to his court.... Bernard help them.
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Authors Note:
I can only apologise for my utter insanity. I don't know what came over me...