Chapter 1, Part V
In which Bruce and Fred visit Italy
August 1432. In the dungeons. Bruce and Barry are talking to a rather grubby man dressed in what may once have been a yellow and red uniform.
Bruce: Right, you Swiss scum, our Noble Archduke has had enough of your insults. Take this message back to your king and prepare for war! *tosses a scroll to the ambassador*
Swiss Ambassador: Errr ... I know relations have been poor recently, but please believe that the Helvetian Republic has never insulted His Grace, the Archduke.
Bruce: Hmmmm ... Now that you mention it, you don't look like the guy who insulted Bert. *steps outside, looks at the cell number. Walks down a couple of cells, and peeks in* Ohhhh ... *returning* Looks like you're right. It was Magdeburg who insulted us. But since the scribes worked so hard on this letter, we'll stick with you anyway. Just look at the craftsmanship. *Pointing at the scroll in the ambassador's hand*
Swiss Ambassador: It is quite beautiful, my Lord, but please consider the consequences. If you start this war all the nations of Europe will hold you in suspicion, and your local populace will surely not support an unjustified war.
Barry: But we need this war for our mission Bruce. Don't let him talk you out of it. We'll get to raise war taxes while the war is on. *grins evilly*
Bruce: Well, we'll just have to risk it, I guess. This is what Bert wants, after all.
The narrator strolls in through the cell door.
Narrator: So the First Swiss War began in August of 1432. Austria received support from her allies Bavaria and Savoy, while, as the ambassador had foreshadowed, Helvetia received support from all over Europe, with Milan, Mantua, the Papal States, Frieseland and Genoa offering support.
Bruce: Bugger.
Narrator: Prior to the declaration of war, the Austrian K.u.K. Armee was stationed in Tyrolia, and from there invaded Milan, in order to negate the support coming from Italy. Meanwhile, a new army was hastily recruited in Vienna, and moved in to Tyrolia. Both armies inflicted defeats on the enemy, and Milan was besieged. Then, in April of 1433, Milan fell.
...
April, 1433. The smoke-filled streets of what is apparently Milan. Bruce is accompanied by a young man dressed in a very shiney military uniform.
Bruce: Well, Duke Friedrich, I think your cousin Albert made a wise choice in putting you in charge of this siege. It has gone very well.
Duke Friedrich: I had hoped it would be more interesting to be here in Italy. It was soooo dull outside the city. Still, the siege is over now, so maybe it will be more interesting soon. And hopefully someday soon Albert will have a son, so that he can take care of this sort of boring stuff.
Bruce: You have no aspirations to the throne for yourself, my lord?
Duke Friedrich: *assessing Bruce* You and your strange friend are known to be the closest allies of the Archduke. For me to admit such aspirations to you ... even if I held them ... would be to cut my own throat. In any case, running the country is not one of my goals, it would spoil what little fun I get to have.
Bruce: Good point ... Not everyone sees the burdens of government. They just look at the big palaces and the shiney coaches and the pointless executions.
Duke Friedrich: Archduke Albert has always been a most just ruler. And he recently sired a daughter, so surely a son cannot be far off. If not, I am sure that this girl will be a suitable heir for Albert.
Bruce: I believe that the laws of Austria do not permit a female to inherit the throne. But we'll take a climb through your family tree some other time. For now, here comes the Milanese deputation.
Three elderly men, dressed in rich, but somewhat dirty clothing approach, followed by five very battered looking soldiers. They bow deeply to Maximilian, and the oldest and dirtiest of the old men speaks.
Milanese Representative: O mighty conqueror, as we, the representatives of mighty Milan prostrate ourselves before you, so too our city bows before you. Your armies have scattered ours to the four winds, and you have torn down the walls as if they were ...
Bruce: Yes, yes ... what is your offer for peace?
Milanese Representative: *sneering at Bruce* We have not come to talk with mere servants. *turning to Friedrich* No doubt you will wish to incorporate Milan into your Dukedom?
Duke Friedrich: *yawning* No, I think that would be more trouble than its worth.
Bruce: My lord, if I may. Milan is a wealthy city, it would be the gem in Austria's crown, and also a great coup for you personally to have brought it under our control.
Duke Friedrich: Again you seek to tempt me with power. I am not interested in glory. I just want to get this war over and done with, and get back to my wine and a good book.
Milanese Representative: *bowing again* My lord, is it then sufficient that we pledge allegiance to your great nation?
Bruce: And agree to pay half of your incomes into our coffers. *under his breath* That should cheer Barry up.
Duke Friedrich: Yes, as the servant says, swear allegiance, pay us half of your incomes, and give us freedom to march our soldiers through your nation at will, and we will be content.
Milanese Representative: Thank you my lord, most magnanimous of you.
The narrator steps out from behind a smouldering building, his eyes watering slightly.
Narrator: Just over a month after the capture of Milan, and the subsequent vassalisation of the city state, Milan agreed to join Austria's alliance, swinging the balance of the war further in Austria's direction. In early February, 1434 Duke Friedrich and Bruce successfully captured Mantua. Once again, Duke Friedrich was content to vassalise the ciry state. The Austrians then returned to Milan, where a Genoese army was defeated, before moving in to Romagna to fight the armies of the Pope. In late March, the Mantuans also transferred to the Austrian alliance.
Bruce: Woohoo!
Narrator: Don't interrupt!
Bruce: Sorry ... do go on.
Narrator: Well, actually I had finished.
Bruce: You don't want to explain how we easily won the war, and annexed Switzerland, and Albert hailed us as conquering heroes? Something like that?
Narrator: Not in my notes. Sorry.
In which Bruce and Fred visit Italy
August 1432. In the dungeons. Bruce and Barry are talking to a rather grubby man dressed in what may once have been a yellow and red uniform.
Bruce: Right, you Swiss scum, our Noble Archduke has had enough of your insults. Take this message back to your king and prepare for war! *tosses a scroll to the ambassador*
Swiss Ambassador: Errr ... I know relations have been poor recently, but please believe that the Helvetian Republic has never insulted His Grace, the Archduke.
Bruce: Hmmmm ... Now that you mention it, you don't look like the guy who insulted Bert. *steps outside, looks at the cell number. Walks down a couple of cells, and peeks in* Ohhhh ... *returning* Looks like you're right. It was Magdeburg who insulted us. But since the scribes worked so hard on this letter, we'll stick with you anyway. Just look at the craftsmanship. *Pointing at the scroll in the ambassador's hand*
Swiss Ambassador: It is quite beautiful, my Lord, but please consider the consequences. If you start this war all the nations of Europe will hold you in suspicion, and your local populace will surely not support an unjustified war.
Barry: But we need this war for our mission Bruce. Don't let him talk you out of it. We'll get to raise war taxes while the war is on. *grins evilly*
Bruce: Well, we'll just have to risk it, I guess. This is what Bert wants, after all.
The narrator strolls in through the cell door.
Narrator: So the First Swiss War began in August of 1432. Austria received support from her allies Bavaria and Savoy, while, as the ambassador had foreshadowed, Helvetia received support from all over Europe, with Milan, Mantua, the Papal States, Frieseland and Genoa offering support.
Bruce: Bugger.
Narrator: Prior to the declaration of war, the Austrian K.u.K. Armee was stationed in Tyrolia, and from there invaded Milan, in order to negate the support coming from Italy. Meanwhile, a new army was hastily recruited in Vienna, and moved in to Tyrolia. Both armies inflicted defeats on the enemy, and Milan was besieged. Then, in April of 1433, Milan fell.
...
April, 1433. The smoke-filled streets of what is apparently Milan. Bruce is accompanied by a young man dressed in a very shiney military uniform.
Bruce: Well, Duke Friedrich, I think your cousin Albert made a wise choice in putting you in charge of this siege. It has gone very well.
Duke Friedrich: I had hoped it would be more interesting to be here in Italy. It was soooo dull outside the city. Still, the siege is over now, so maybe it will be more interesting soon. And hopefully someday soon Albert will have a son, so that he can take care of this sort of boring stuff.
Bruce: You have no aspirations to the throne for yourself, my lord?
Duke Friedrich: *assessing Bruce* You and your strange friend are known to be the closest allies of the Archduke. For me to admit such aspirations to you ... even if I held them ... would be to cut my own throat. In any case, running the country is not one of my goals, it would spoil what little fun I get to have.
Bruce: Good point ... Not everyone sees the burdens of government. They just look at the big palaces and the shiney coaches and the pointless executions.
Duke Friedrich: Archduke Albert has always been a most just ruler. And he recently sired a daughter, so surely a son cannot be far off. If not, I am sure that this girl will be a suitable heir for Albert.
Bruce: I believe that the laws of Austria do not permit a female to inherit the throne. But we'll take a climb through your family tree some other time. For now, here comes the Milanese deputation.
Three elderly men, dressed in rich, but somewhat dirty clothing approach, followed by five very battered looking soldiers. They bow deeply to Maximilian, and the oldest and dirtiest of the old men speaks.
Milanese Representative: O mighty conqueror, as we, the representatives of mighty Milan prostrate ourselves before you, so too our city bows before you. Your armies have scattered ours to the four winds, and you have torn down the walls as if they were ...
Bruce: Yes, yes ... what is your offer for peace?
Milanese Representative: *sneering at Bruce* We have not come to talk with mere servants. *turning to Friedrich* No doubt you will wish to incorporate Milan into your Dukedom?
Duke Friedrich: *yawning* No, I think that would be more trouble than its worth.
Bruce: My lord, if I may. Milan is a wealthy city, it would be the gem in Austria's crown, and also a great coup for you personally to have brought it under our control.
Duke Friedrich: Again you seek to tempt me with power. I am not interested in glory. I just want to get this war over and done with, and get back to my wine and a good book.
Milanese Representative: *bowing again* My lord, is it then sufficient that we pledge allegiance to your great nation?
Bruce: And agree to pay half of your incomes into our coffers. *under his breath* That should cheer Barry up.
Duke Friedrich: Yes, as the servant says, swear allegiance, pay us half of your incomes, and give us freedom to march our soldiers through your nation at will, and we will be content.
Milanese Representative: Thank you my lord, most magnanimous of you.
The narrator steps out from behind a smouldering building, his eyes watering slightly.
Narrator: Just over a month after the capture of Milan, and the subsequent vassalisation of the city state, Milan agreed to join Austria's alliance, swinging the balance of the war further in Austria's direction. In early February, 1434 Duke Friedrich and Bruce successfully captured Mantua. Once again, Duke Friedrich was content to vassalise the ciry state. The Austrians then returned to Milan, where a Genoese army was defeated, before moving in to Romagna to fight the armies of the Pope. In late March, the Mantuans also transferred to the Austrian alliance.
Bruce: Woohoo!
Narrator: Don't interrupt!
Bruce: Sorry ... do go on.
Narrator: Well, actually I had finished.
Bruce: You don't want to explain how we easily won the war, and annexed Switzerland, and Albert hailed us as conquering heroes? Something like that?
Narrator: Not in my notes. Sorry.