Episode XXXV: Tverl Grey With Lemon
An Extract From The Triumphal Return of Huiver-Bagge, by Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, newly appointed Ambassador of the Kingdom of Great Britain to the Empire of Tver
My epic adventures and expeditions (detailed in my previous works, which you own, adore, and regularly buy new copies of, thus lining my elegant pockets) brought me great renown at home in England (though, as ever, less than I deserve). My exploits attracted the attention of Her Majesty Queen Anne herself (long reign the House of Stafford!), who swiftly invited me into The Presence to offer me honest employment. The Queen of Great Britain is the embodiment of fine leadership, master of all the territories of the fair isle of Britannia!
How would I like to serve her, Her Majesty enquired, as Ambassador to the Empire of Tver? Having written so eloquently about that land in my previous mighty tome, I was offered the chance to return. And of course, I said – no. But the Queen is gracious and persuasive, and won me over with her charm and beauty, and a quite hilarious joke about the stretchability of my neck. And so here I, Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, am, back in this frozen land of illiterate, babbling savages. I shall write once more of events at the court of Tver, and you shall read, enthralled.
Czarina Aleksandra (a not uncomely wench, though as a crow to a parrot next to our great Queen of course – she doesn’t even have a squint) continues to face intrigue at court. Her advisors are impeccable, but seem to achieve little against her intractable nobility. These privileged men and women cling to their old rights in the face of the Czarina’s proposed reforms like my mistresses cling to my robes at sunrise, begging me not to leave. The Mysterious Don Pedro is personable, in spite of a rather off-putting manner. He gives an impression of bumbling incompetence (perhaps he wishes to apply for a place at Cambridge?), but I am sure that there is great intelligence behind those eyes. The Lady Elena Rurikovich questions her cousin’s plans, I am sure, only to provide the Empire with sound, tempered government. Must every idea not be challenged to ensure its wisdom? Except those of the most excellent Queen Anne, of course! The fact that Lady Elena is second in line to the crown of Tver is, I am sure, of no consequence. Though by heaven, should she wish it for herself, she would have ample support! Fortunate for the Czarina that her cousin is as honest as the day is lon, and as faithful as Judas. James? Jonah? Something with a ‘J’.
The one I like least is Brother Mijado, the silent Spanish clergyman who hovers around the Czarina’s council. He seems to have grown somewhat in the Czarina’s favour, likely because he alone does not question her commands. He has successfully enacted a number of clerical reforms, such as the introduction of a church tax, filling the Empire’s coffers at the expense of the honest, upstanding nobility! Rumours of a possible Archbishopric abound, though how this silent man would deliver a sermon remains unclear. Perhaps with cards.
To recent events. The Empire is large, its curves as voluptuous as those of the Countess of Chiswick (I dare not speak of those of the Czarina, and those of Our Britannic Majesty are strictly off-limits!).
Her military is strong, yet as nought compared with the might of the British legions! Considering her size, her army is rather small, smaller than those of her most obvious major rivals (highlighted – you are grateful, and welcome).
The Ministry for Statistics presented me with colourful circles, saying that they would be of interest to my enraptured readership. Bread and circuses for the masses, say I. I am above such things.
The country is largely stable (remarkable considering the large quantities of murderously strong alcohol consumed by the populace). The former territories of the Golden Horde harbour the greatest risk of armed uprising.
The country’s finances have improved greatly in recent years, helped by the full integration of a number of rich cities. If further military expansion is planned, though, heavy investment will be required.
It was on the subject of the military that a recent council session, to which I was privy (naturally), was commenced. The day had already been a difficult one: an official portrait had been planned for the morning, but the artist had mislaid an essential part of his easel when moving house, and was thus unable to execute the work. He spent a day in the stocks under a barrage of fruit for his incompetence. I trust that, in the future, artists will not make such foolish errors.
‘Aleksandra, darling, can we really afford to invest so much money in the army?’
The Czarina gave a steely smile to her cousin.
‘The army is the bulwark behind which you, and your finely-dressed friends, shelter in the face of foreign invasion. We must be ready to strike against the Ottomans and the Hungarians when the chance arises.’
Don Pedro looked apprehensive.
‘My Czarrrrina, perhaps you should not seek to provoke such mighty countrrries...’
The Czarina’s eyebrow (a fine eyebrow) arched, archly.
‘More mighty than the Empire of Tver, Don Pedro?’
‘Well, no, my Czarrrrina, but I merely...’
‘You merely wish to get in my way, Don Pedro. The army must be expanded and improved. And it shall be.’
‘The time has come to make further progress against the heathens. We will move part of the army towards the south-west. From here, we can easily deploy troops against either the Hungarians opr the Turks...’
‘...but while we are at it, an opportunity has arisen to remove yet more of the heathen from our borderlands – and to acquire a southern coastline into the bargain.’
Don Pedro looked quizzical. ‘My Czarrrina?’
‘Crimea, Don Pedro. A negligible army and no allies. A plum ripe for the picking. Marshal our forces, and send the declaration of war.’
'
Carrramba.'
The Czarina’s policy was bold, but effective. Tver was still at war with the Kazakh Steppe Horde, into whose lands she had made great gains, but a crushing victory at Bersh secured the eastern frontier against Kazakh aggression.
The redeployment of Tverian troops was not universally popular, though: onbe army was ambushed while making its way towards Crimea, although they were able to see off their assailants with minimal losses. The rebel leader was pegged to a tree upside down.
Elena had to admit that her cousin’s strategy was working.
‘The Crimeans have surrendered, Aleksandra. You have complete control of their territories.’
Don Pedro nodded. ‘Also, my Czarrrina, Pensa is now completely colonised.’
The Czarina nodded. ‘Yes. Tahnk you, Brother Mijado, for your efforts with the colonisation project. I am glad that
someone thought to give the travelling caravans a supply of
maps.
Don Pedro looked puzzled. ‘Maps are unnecessary, my Czarrrina. They lead to closed-minded assumptions about the way of things.’
‘I suppose that is why your countrymen have annexed most of Africa and called it “Castille”, I suppose?’
‘My Czarrina, you jest of course. Everyone knows that Africa is rightfully part of Castille...’
The next stage of the Czarina’s plan was unorthodox, which is strange for a nation of such committed Orthodox Christians.
‘Elena, take this note to the leader of the Kazakhs.’
Elena eyed the note suspiciously.
‘What is it?’
‘Our concession of defeat.’
Elena was alarmed. ‘I thought that we were winning?’
‘We are. But we have taken all that we want from the Kazakhs for the moment, and they refuse to accept their own defeat. My pride will be dented, but we need to marshal our troops against the Turk and the Magyar, and the only way to allow that is to secure the eastern frontier. Take this ntoe to the Khan of Kazakh.’
Grumpily, the Lady Elena left, and performed her duty.
Her cousin gone, the Czarina was able to execute two more orders.
‘Brother Mijado, let it be known to all that Georgia will hereafter be under our protection.’
‘And Don Pedro...demand the annexation of Crimea.’
‘Annexation, my Czarrrina?’
‘Why not? They have no money to give us. The Crimean region is rightfully ours, and Kouban is a good area to start. We will have plenty of time to educate the Tartars as to their duty...’
Thus it was that the province of Kouban was added to the Empire of Tver, granting her a first southern port city.
Thus the Empire, with her recent growths, took upon an even more pleasing aspect.
It is on this note that I, Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, traveller and writer extraordinaire, end this dispatch. Time marches on, as does the bountiful wench bringing my supper. Fear not, reader, for further epistles shall flow forth from my firm and elegant pen in due time, as I write further of events in the Empire of Tver.
May God grant the Queen of Great Britain ever greater wisdom and grace. Grant Czarina Aleksandra the strength to govern her fractious kingdom.
And grant me a ticket on the first boat back to England.
My regards to those who deserve them. Acceptance of your fawning gratitude to all others.
Huiver-Bagge