THE BIG PAY OFF, or MILITARY CONQUEST IS EASY. COMEDY IS HARD.
Lombardia
July 6th, 1080
Hey! Guys! Wake up! No, I don't care what time it is. Or if you ate bad rats for dinner. This is important! You hear those church bells? You know what they mean? We did it! We have Genoa!
Give me a second. This is--big news. I'm just--excited! I pulled it off! My family holdings include most of the Ligurian coast, and one of the greatest trading cities in the world! Yes!
I'd been saving up my money for years, but still wasn't quite sure I had enough, when Cosimo came up with a brilliant scheme. See--the Genoese, having all sorts of trade with the Levant, have acquired all sorts of holy relics, and it was simple to have agents steal several--including the head of John the Baptist--and then sell them back to them through black market connections.
So--not only did I have the money to finance my invasion--but Genoa had unknowingly supplied it to me! I had a good laugh about that with Hugues. Well, I laughed. He just rolled his eyes, and asked me if I have any sense of right or wrong. I replied that of course I do--actions that further my glorious cause are right.
I don't think he liked that answer. Oh, well, when his kids are the kings of Croatia, he'll thank me.
Anyway, I went to visit Valerio to give him the good news, and discovered my boy had taken a commission from the Pope to acquire territory from his excommunicated neighbor, the Bishop of Valais. Well, that inspired me to take a commission against the excommunicated Bishop of Parma, and we bonded over our service to the church by acquiring land and power during breakfast. He's doing well, by the way. Got a new arms instructor who's pretty good.
Anyway--those comissions are for a future time--especially the Bishop of Valais who is excommunicated, but a vassal of King Oink. Genoa--that was the thing. Once, I had Umberto--whose come down with something that's made his already neglible fighting ability even moreso--gather up the troops in Lombardia, sent Hugues out with the troops of Pavia, and had the Savoies bring their troops into the mix. It was a biggest force the Duchy had ever marshalled, and once we were in Pavia, I declared war on Genoa. Heinrich followed suit, but thanks to my gathering my forces beforehand, out troops were laying siege to the city before his had even gathered!
And it went perfectly. Umberto may have been crap, but the Count of Savoie is a tough guy, though you wouldn't believe it to look at him, and he's the one who actually lead the battle. We had a numeric advantage--but not as big as you'd think--Genoa's a big city--but what sealed the deal is that the Governor of Genoa insisted on leading the troops himself, and he really--really isn't very good at it. My boys kicked his ass, and with our new studies into battering rams, smashed our way into Genoa's fortress in record time. Hell, we didn't even go into the red on this one. It was that fast.
While that was happening, my pal the Bishop of Nice--who happens to be a Genoese vassal--marched on Monteferrato. I rallied the troops there and personally lead them into battle. Which we lost, but it delayed the Bishop's army, which is the important thing. Especially because right after that, we took the city, and the Governor recognized me as the rightful count, and then headed off to Nice to head the Republic of Genoa-in-exile. Which is probably going to result in some interesting diplomatic discussions in the future, as they explain that the Republic of Genoa doesn't actually include--Genoa...
So it's done! Genoa! Mine! This--this is what I've dreamed of since I was a little boy, and they drove my father from the city, while singing 'Bye-bye Azzo!" Off-key. I tell you that's haunted my nightmares for decades. But no more! We're back baby! With Genoa, we're going to take back everything else we lost! And then--then Italy! The glorious rebirth of my nation starts NOW!
I--I'm just so excited! I--rode here right from Monteferratto, to tell you! I'm just--postively--giddy! I feel light, like I'm being lifted off my feet, and--
Oh, crap.
*THUD*
...
...
Well--guess--it's in--Valerio's hands now. But--I gave him... a good--start... You can't--can't deny that.
...
...
Still... Two more years--might have been nice...
...
...
...
...
ALBERTO AZZO D'ESTE II (1009-1080)
I will extol thee, O Lord, for thou has drawn me up, and hast not let my foes rejoice over me. --Psalms 30:1