Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan
King of Norway
Reflections on the early years, 1216-1217
To celebrate the fact that I am the first Crovan since Gudrod himself, our progenitor, to rise to the rule
after reaching adulthood, I have decided to grant my old titles to my brother Haldor the Gimp.
I would like to compare my two sons. Here, we have my son Half-Dan. I was going to name him Dan, but as you can see, he is so tiny that he only needs half a name. Clearly, this lad would make an awful king.
Also, I made that joke up about his name myself.
This is my other son Grim. Now Grim. That even sounds like an imposing and Kingly name. Who on Earth is going to cross King Grim, Lord of the Vikings? Yes, clearly this lad is marked out for greatness.
The problem of Half-Dan’s older age is quickly solved by first sending him off to Church School, thereby removing him from the circles of power.
And then by making Grim the Count of Telemark. I am happy to not be a Telemarkite, subject to the whims of a three year old overlord. I’m sure Grim will have great fun there. He even has soldiers to order about!
The Vasterbottians just offered me an obscene amount of money to end a war that dad started and I forgot about! I’m not even going to ask where they found that much gold in their ice-encrusted, wind-blasted wasteland of a home. No, I am simply going to pile it all into the vaults and do a merry jig. I shall call this jig the “Money-Dance.” You can do it too: Simply hop about in small circles, with your hands raised above your head.
Good.
Now open and close your fingers much like the pincers on a crab…what you are doing is grasping at the money raining down all around you.
Now sing “Money! Money! Money!” as you do this.
Now, if you have 5,000 pounds of solid gold recently given to you by an unsuspecting Pagan Prince desperate to hold his lands, have a slave – a trusted one mind you – stand on a high balcony and rain gold down upon you. That gives it an extra-nice touch.
I recommend using very small coins, penny sized or smaller, as those Byzantine gold coins can damage limbs.
This is Magnus MacLeod, the direct descendant of Skofte McLeod and living proof that the MacLeod Clan still has a lock on the most awesome names in the universe. Somehow, through six generations, this family has remained in control over some part of Iceland, although now he is a direct vassal of Inge Stencil-Kitten.
Who, as Lord of Varmland, is contractually required to rebel at the earliest opportunity.
I married Maria Knytling today. The union of the Crovan and Knytling Clans is a long-standing one, with many of the Crovan men taking Knytling brides. Part of that tradition, unfortunately, also involves cuckolded Crovans, murderous wives and treacherous mothers. On the plus side, she is a hottie. Also, I guess I should mention that my old wife, whats-her-face died, making this all possible.
I don’t know who’s been raising Half-Dan these last seven years. It just occurred to me that he might like his own room and maybe someone to look out for him and make sure he is eating properly. Since he is already in Church School, I have simply sent him to Church Boarding School.
Well, the Vasterbotten Crusade had a happy ending and any succession issues have been neatly taken care off. Gunnar’s reign seems to be off to a nice start, but will it stay that way? Murder Stalks the Royal Court, New SpyMasters are hired, and Gunnar quickly turns his KILF into a MILF on the next action-packed episode of