Bearly Surviving: A Novgorod AAR

Henry v. Keiper: I actually like the unhappiness events in Crusader Kings, but I'm still spoiled from EU 2's incessant revolts. CK's events don't have the "time to go into panic mode" factor, and I can appreciate that. Still, my taxation has been very fair, so it is a little annoying.

The great thing about war hammers is that they're somehow better than a club, for reasons I won't go into. If nothing else they can be used to create amusing woodcrafts after the battle ends, assuming nails are available. Which is almost certainly not the case.

I'm close to becoming Russia and will make a bid for that in the next update.

Judas Maccabeus: When the Motorpsychos arrive it's going to be total carnage. There's a thread on the main forum about surviving the Golden Horde and it made me want to cry. I don't do clever siege tactics and never will, so it will come down to equal and opposite aggression.

In other words this AAR might set the standard for "creating a huge Kingdom and then losing all of it." But Henry's right: there's always hope.

King Of Nines: If I do get Myth II (time to start scouring bargain bins) I'll be sure to write up the results of the Rurik/chicken mission here. As long as I don't have to play against an 11 year-old I'll probably be ok with losing.

Pagans are always what's for dinner, but don't forget the Muslims! I can promise that there isn't much peace in the future.

frogbeastegg: Thanks for checking out the AAR! It's all in good fun, although I'd be surprised if reading this didn't kill brain cells. Or maybe it was all that drinking. In any case, this is the only CK AAR with repeated references to the movie "One Tough Bastard" and I'm very proud of this for some reason.

Look for the next update sometime tomorrow!

1180-1200: The era of calming blue ends!


Official soundtrack/philosophy.

With the Motorpsychos still decades away I decide the time is now to make the claim of King of Rus. I'm close to the required 54 or so provinces, but will have to overextend just a little, killing thousands in the process.

Moscow is currently controlled by the Muslims from Palmyra and it goes without saying that they get the war invitation. By the end of 1180 Moscow and Sugrov have been taken, but the Prince suffered war wounds and got ill. It seems that warhammers are not the most sterile instruments.


Too bad Novgorod can't claim this flag.

The death from war hammer induced sickness in 1181 puts Isaak in charge. He's a typical mediocre ruler with a very impressive nose. The war with Palmyra settles down. One of my vassals took some land near Azow, but I couldn't care less about that and accept peace for a little cash.

Elsewhere, the awesome power of the "mint" is discovered. I can feel EU 2 players cringing at the very word. Of course, I clicked past the pop-up so fast it might just be mint leaves, which are only modest contributors to inflation.


This new invention should improve our interactions with lizards.

A quick unjust war with Pereyaslavl Zalessky leads to a quick victory. They don't even have an army available to defend themselves. To take a line from "Walker: Texas Ranger" when asked if he would kill an unarmed man: "No. But I'd sure beat the Hell out of him."

Lyubech gets similar unjust war treatment soon after. I'm rushing to finish the claim on Russia and if that means collecting tarnish, so be it. In 1185 Smolensk, now one province, gets pecked into unrecognizable ruins. I also took 4051 gold from them, which I can add to the pile, I suppose.

In 1186 the vital "pigs" breakthrough finally arrives. These hogs of war could prove the difference in battles fought in muddy conditions.


Another new super weapon. Four legs good, two legs better!

The next target for war is Al Jazira. Yup, you read correctly. The Bear is at war with Arab Television. Despite their powerful abilities to provide new and different biases the advance of Novgorod is rapid. Vladimir, Pronsk and Novgorod Sevesky are all taken before a 300 gold peace. I'm on a mission now: "must conquer it all to keep it warm for the Golden Horde!"


Al Jazira's secret weapon. "We have captured or slain thousands of your assault chickens."

In 1188 Critical Bible Interpretations arrive, which provides some sort of nebulous benefit, I guess.


Critical Bible interpretation.

Still more of that sweet, sweet war begins in 1188 as the Chuvash are overrun, taking Chuvash and Bryansk. Emirate of Volga is next in 1189. By 1190 Nizny Novgorod, Votyaki and Zyriane are added to our bloated and mis-managed nation. Volga retains a province in Spain (!) but that gets taken by one of my vassals.

Yes, Russia is now in Iberia. Let's never speak of this again.


It's still less violent than hockey, at least.

The final surge of meaningless aggression comes in 1192. Emboldened by critical Bible interpretation it's time to ruin the "Christ Shield" nation. Bogus claims on Pereyaslav and Vitebsk are created and both join our glorious nation by the next year.


One of our generals reports from the front. "We are beating the Christ Shields like a step child."

With that, the title "King of Rus" is claimed for Novgorod. This is almost certainly the high point of this game as the shadow of the Motorpsychos creeps ever closer.


It all belongs to Mother coughMongolcough Russia!

By 1200 our reputation is back to "respectable" despite two decades of pure, refined evil. The manpower is over 112,000. Is this enough to save the West? Time will tell.


Russia, 1200.

King of Nines: Thanks for all the Myth II information. Playing a non-Paradox game...it might do me good. I've been having nightmares about unhappy peasants and bad boy war lately and that can't be healthy. As long as there's a VERY slow speed I can handle the real time strategy.

As you know by now I finally got my multi-headed bird flag, but the biggest challenges are still around the corner, wearing leather jackets and revving their Murdercycles.

Henry v. Keiper: It does seem a little odd becoming the Third Rome while the second one is still one of the world's strongest empires, but I'm not going to look a two headed eagle in the mouth. No, that's not me with the lizard, it was just a picture I dug up while doing a search for "mints." I actually look a lot like the current King of Rus, only with just a little more hair and just a little less nose. It's a little creepy.

King Of Nines: I actually miss the calming blue, but then again probably a lot of the green is about to turn into whatever color the Golden Horde is. It would be pretty funny if Iberia ended up as the last bastion of Russia...hopefully it won't have to come to that!

I'm still looking for Myth II in those bargain bins. I usually don't play MP but some of the missions sound pretty cool.

Judas Maccabeus: This would be a sure WC (water closet???) if it wasn't for the coming storm of Motorpsychos. Great image, by the way. I'm waiting eagerly for more "Trees of Autumn."

Carbiner: Thanks for checking this out! The difficultly is normal/normal. Yup, it looks like I'll have to avoid huge wars for the time being, maybe pick up a few provinces if I can. I can't wait to see what happens either, I'm going into this totally blind (it's my first "real" game!).

Next update soon!


Preparing the defenses.

Zeno of Cyprus: Nearly missed you! Nothing like late nights reading about Novgorod/Russia! As far as I know this AAR is not a contributing factor to bleary eyes, although it has been linked to night sweats, fits of frenzy, uncontrollable falling down syndrome (UFDS), demon possession and brain rot.

My transient friend in the Golden Horde Historical Preservation Society has assured me that he is mostly involved with appreciating Colt .45 malt liqour and not vodka, which he calls "rich man's drink." Milwaukee is home of the Miller Brewery so we've got strong claims in the area of terrible beer products.

1200-1220: Vikings, diplomacy and tourney related insults.


Official soundtrack/philosophy. I have a feeling we'll be seeing "If You Want Blood, You've Got it" as an official soundtrack/philosophy real soon.

I take a relaxed start this time, passing 1200 with a windmill project (no, Snowball doesn't cause it to collapse) and a large contribution from the estates. Meanwhile, the son of the King killed a servant in a drunken rage, but it's determined "he deserved it." This is Russia now, the days of respecting the lives of commoners are long over.

In 1202 a claim on the Bishophric of Orsha leads to another short war. Orsha falls to the farm animal themed invasion force in short order, but the King suffers a war wound. Our Kings clearly need lessons in "cowardly cunning" as opposed to "reckless bravery."


Assault chickens with cleaver soldiers. It's not much, but still better than a war hammer.

With the war over it's time to start applying the devastating force of DIPLOMACY!!!!! If this was EU 2 I'd try to vassalize via that clunky interface, fail horribly and then post incessantly about it on their main board. Since it's Crusader Kings, it's just click it and forget it. The successes come in number.

Mstislavl and its two provinces join our ahistorical nation in 1202 and the four province Principality of Ryazan follows in 1203. This is sure easier than war!


The power of diplomacy. "Yo, Adrian, I'm in dis Axis of Evil thing."

Everything seems to be going my way, including a "successful propaganda" event that has some sort of meaningless effect.


The successful propaganda.

The balance of the decade flies by. Some of the highlights include a chance for intrigue ignored, a naive wirepuller finishing her education (wirepuller? Did we send her to a technical college?) and the discovery of missile barrages. Missile barrages consist of such weapons as "smart rocks" and "surface to surface sharpened sticks."

The King dies in 1211 and is replaced by Vsevolod, who could best be described as fantastically mediocre. At least he's not a crazed inbred, the only qualification I demand of my rulers.


The shaved head dynasty continues.

Of course the succession means that one piece of trash vassal will decide to break away from Russia. This time it's Torzhor, a Baltic backwater. They do about as well against all of Russia as you'd probably expect.


The traitorous vassal begs for mercy before being pecked into an unrecognizable mess.

1213 features an insult at a "tourney" which is promptly ignored. I always thought Tourneys were cigarettes, anyway. The good news is the event I wanted, mercenaries, finally hits and I go all out hiring 6600 "Varangian Guards." Are these uprooted Vikings a match for Motorpsychos?


A typical Viking mercenary.

Of course the cost of bringing in this force is staggering. I have to raise taxes a bit and my monthly income crashes, but I have a feeling I won't regret this too much.


Protesting the tax increases. Hey, those horned helmets and longships aren't cheap!

In 1215 I get a chance to bring in "bullies" to help collect taxes from the peasants and that's an easy choice. Pay the tax or get a Wet Willie or Rear Admiral you peasant scum!


The awesome power of bullies now belongs to Russia.

The remaining years pass with a marriage and expected child for the King and not much else. I'm digging in my heels and waiting for the Mongols. When they do arrive I fully expect to be handing out beatings while yelling at the screen "You ain't so bad! You ain't so bad!"


Russia, 1220.

Henry v. Keiper: That would be a cool program, although having it happen just by chance is rather unsettling. I have no idea how a guy with no hair or beard got to rule Russia, either. They need to add a beard and depression requirement for Russian rulers, I think.

King Of Nines: I've already exhausted all the mint material I had so I may have to edit that. How big were you when you got wrecked? Being Russia might actually give me better odds, as the Motorpsychos won't have lots of territory to draw from unless I lose it.

Which will almost certainly be the case.

For now I'm just borrowing Vikings for the showdown, but it would be nice to have a few "evil magic" events. I'd expect the Horde would have few qualms about double-killing an undead army, though.