Bearly Surviving: A Novgorod AAR

Bless you all!

Henry v. Keiper: Thanks for following the AAR! I usually don't trust cola without some sort of alcohol in it. I actually liked that particular bad comparison but my tastes in such matters are not always trustworthy.

Solmyr: I agree, he looks absolutely hang-dog. Sadly the next years would see him collect red hearts like they were baseball cards. He certainly deserved better, but I'm not really the one to give it.

frogbeastegg: Your eyes are not lying, this really is the CK AAR that not only crosses the line of wackiness but often vomits all over it. Believe it or not I was mostly sober for large parts of it, assuming one doesn't count the pills in an unmarked container I found and took before the last post.

King Of Nines: I have to agree with your policy for playing Russian nations. It not only increases the game difficultly but also has role playing value, as I'm sure most of these guys were in the bag pretty much all the time. Fighting the Paradox version of Sweden is nothing to try sober, either. The only drawback is that the "what happened to my empire?" situation seems more common than "how did I conquer all of that?" All for Mother Russia, tovarich!

Judas Maccabeus: Now you're starting to give me ideas. I might consider finishing this AAR with one massive drunken real time posting session, assuming I survive the Golden Horde. I've been talking to the President of the Golden Horde Historical Preservation Society and he told me "Them Motorpsychos will mess up your bear and fish nation! Got any spare change?" I'm pretty worried. The idea of Coat -1 has me pretty tempted, though.

The next post is coming soon and it will include the biggest war to date!


The next post in a nutshell.

1120-1140: Huge wars, medium castles, small pox and completely nonexistent mercy and restraint.


Official soundtrack/philosophy for this post.

As you may recall, Prince Hang-dog has been dealing with his depression. I decide that perhaps the best cure for the blues is unjust wars against unbelievably weak opposition.

I'm talking about 2690 soldiers against 190, now.

The Zemigalians get it first and fall faster than the value of the Ruble. In the same year the Curonians and their odd grape-themed round shield are mauled by the Bear. If I lost the war I could have made a witty "sour grapes" remark, but the actual result is total victory in short order.

I suppose I could have gone the "stomping on the grapes" route, but I decided against it. True story: back when I was in school a popular thing for bad kids to do during lunch was put grapes in text books and then slam them shut. I'm not sure why I mention this. I guess I like telling little stories.


Putting the hurt on some piece of pagan trash.

In 1123 Medium Castles are discovered in Novgorod (Castles was my main research focus: I need lots of bodies to throw in front of Golden Horde Motorpsychos). I begin a policy of setting aside gold so I can afford the staggering 1500 price tag.


Saving some money. The fact that this book exists is profoundly wrong on so many levels.

Despite the hateful bout of financial restraint I still manage to sneak in pagan wars while saving my pennies. The Kajanborg gets assimilated in 1124 and in 1127 Satakunta sadly can't-a hold off my powerful forces of trained attack chickens, which have recently been reinforced by the "goats" advance with hordes of killer sheep to act as shock troops and infiltrators.


Another deadly secret weapon revealed!

Elsewhere, a ring of thieves, presumably stealing my precious "charcoal" and "chained leather" set up shop in Bezhetsky Verh for a while, perhaps taking advantage of the chaos caused by a small pox epidemic there. It might be spreading, as the Prince develops an illness in 1127.


Get up, get up, get down with the sickness.

In 1131 it's time for my most aggressive war yet, against a Samogitia that somehow controls numerous provinces throughout Russia. I call up all my personal forces as well as those of my vassal Tver. Even with these numbers the pagans prove formidable and the next years are literally soaked with the blood of God's enemies.


The hope of my enemies. I'm pretty sure that last "t" is a typo.

Jacweiz falls in 1131 and in 1132 Polotsk and Memel are taken. After a few tense moments the war turns completely in my favor in 1133 as the goat commandos and chicken paratroopers invest and take Suzdal and Veliky Ustug. Yaroslav falls in 1134 and I end the war by claiming 183 gold in tribute from the ruined pagans.


A typical siege during the Samogitia war.

A new problem arises from the conquest: there simply aren't enough warm bodies to install as vassals! With personal holdings becoming too large to handle the Prince gains the stressed condition in 1135 and is dead two years later. Stress: it's a killer.

I do manage to create a few new vassals during this time and with efficiency up to the mid-80%s it seem that crisis is over. The only bad news is the lack of advisors! I need nobles now, and I'm willing to buy them used provided they have less than 80,000 miles on them.

Vladimir is Prince in 1137 for about two cups of coffee and then the title passes to Ilia, another in a seemingly endless line of depressed rulers with sizable noses. He seems reasonably capable, but by 1140 he has no advisors at all and the court is empty. Time to promote some sheep and chicken trainers, I would think.


Ilia looks rather sad, too.

After the massive expansions it may be time to continue planning for the Mongol Horde. I think adding the Medium Castle is a good start, but my homeless friend who heads Golden Horde Historical Preservation Society (and, oddly enough, the Colt .45 Malt Liquor Appreciation Society) tells me there are "Probably many thousands of them dudes" on the way by the early to mid 1200s. Can sensible planning and a potent chicken force put us in a good enough position to survive?


Novgorod, 1140

Henry v. Keiper: I imagine one way to cut those crippling vet bills for your horse would be to send them here:


The worst part is your HMO won't even cover it.

King Of Nines: Right now I can field an army of about 40,000 if I call all my vassals. I doubt that will be enough to even slow down the rampaging Motorpsychos and Murdercycles. I'm wondering how I can give myself better chances (without moving to Portugal, of course. ). Plus, instead of getting Alexsandr Nevsky I'll probably have some depressed fellow with average numbers at best. I think I'll just have to take my medicine when the time comes.

As for choking chickens, just to clarify the pagans don't have assault chickens, just us. The assualt chickens are unsurpassed as infiltrators because, according to Rocky III, it's like trying to catch greased lightning.

Pilirengo: Luckily the crazed, inbred fanatic priest only ruled as a Count for awhile before having an "accident." Novgorod demands much better from its leaders: heavy depression and mediocre statistics. I have to agree that the lot of the Russian peasant couldn't have been a good one, what with the improper soil preperation, constant plagues, and having their chickens taken away to form attack chicken units in the Novgorod army. Thank goodness for vodka, the solution to the problem that I can't even remember.

1140-1160: Unhappy peasants, the real cure for depression and the saintly art of unjust war.


Official soundtrack/philosophy for this update.

The "advisor crisis" finally ends in 1140 as a new influx of courtiers arrives, presumably fresh off the assembly line. I feel much better having someone to look after the spying and stewarding. I'm even able to vassalize Memel, raising efficiency to 94%. The 1140 model of noble seems to suit my needs well.

In 1141 there is an unhappiness in the peasantry event. In EU 2 this would mean a whole decade of me writing about NON-peasant revolts and "investing in stability" (by buying levels and such, I guess). In Crusader Kings the same event causes a totally irrelevant change in "loyalty" in one province. CK: 1, EU 2: 0.


For once I agree with our former president.

Meanwhile a final pagan war to secure Finland begins, as an attack on Soumi also draws in Bornholm (an island which took me about an hour to find) and Azow. My prediction: pain. The resulting conquests, in no special order, are Osterbotten, Nyland, Finland, Bornholm and Azow. The assault chickens leave my enemies feeling like "Kentucky Fried idiots."

There were two Rocky III references in the last paragraph and three in my last two posts. I am very proud of this.


Beware the assault chicken.

Following the victories, the Prince gets my personal favorite event: "the pretty wench." This has got to help that depression. I order him to wreck it worse than the roadmap for peace and the end result is a bastard. Said bastard actually grows up to be very friendly and easy to get along with, ironically.


The ultimate bastard-themed movie. Rated PG: may contain patriotic garbage.

The new tough but likable bastard isn't the only new addition to Novgorod. Broadswords become the new fashion choice for the well-dressed barbarian and the power of Local Fairs might be just the thing to insure a great future.


Perhaps the fairs will help our science?

In 1149 it's time to resort to bad dog style behavior with the stated purpose of improving the appearance of the world map. Uglich, which isn't exactly what I'd call good looking, has its title stolen and war declared. The Novgorod army of 2900 crushes 1300 defenders and victory is academic after that.


Middle management are thrown over the walls to demoralize the enemy.

The next year medium castles are available in Pskov and it's time for more thrilling "waiting" and "fiscal responsibility." This includes allowing a Burgher Council to convene so that small business owners can discuss why they are the only form of business owner that isn't regularly vilified in politics.


The head of the Burgher Council.

Of course there's still a chance for more unjust attacks of co-religionists in 1154 when Novgorod gets a claim on Rostov and is quickly at war with all of Ryazan (3 provinces). The war is shorter than you might expect, with Ryazan ceding Rostov and 465 gold by the end of the year.


More bad behavior from the Bear.

The next year the estates are called and shaken down for the maximum amount of gold. The castle construction can now begin! A time of peace and development begins, punctuated only by the death and cannonization of my Marshall in 1159. I guess the miracle of training chickens and sheep to attack humans out-weighed the many evil and insane wars he directed.

In 1160 things are looking good, even knowing how bad everything will end up. Perhaps there will be time to claim the King of Russia, but it will take A LOT of bad dog wars. Oh well, no one said the road to sainthood was easy.


Novgorod, 1160

King Of Nines: I'm hoping the northern lands will be safe (the cold weather and snow is very tough on Motorpsychos) but am fully prepared to say good bye to Kiev-Rus. I think the strategy will be to call up all available soldiers, form one huge army and pick fights I can win. Many will die, but enough dead chickens should be able to clog up the Golden Horde's machinery.

Vodka has bread beaten in every possible area, not counting the fact that it has no nutritional value and is basically poison, of course.

I'm not familiar with Myth II, but anything with attacking chickens has my unconditional respect.

Pilirengo: Spazebo! Thanks for checking out the AAR. I imagine the power of the "Hogs of War" could prove decisive. They're much smarter and heavier than chickens and a muddy battlefield would not slow them down at all. I hope you learned your lesson: never give me ideas.

Henry v. Keiper: Always glad to hear from you! Don't forget another famous bastard: William the Conquerer. The circumstances of birth aren't everything, a great lesson for all of us. In fact, if I ever have bastard children I'll treat them as well as those born in wedlock. I'm sure my future wife would be thrilled to hear that.

King Of Nines: I've always heard that one shouldn't "drink their calories" but I think straight-up vodka is a safe choice. You might even come out ahead if "purging" occurs. Fortunately I'm currently on the Angus Diet, so I've got nothing to worry about.

I'm all for inviting Rurik to rule over us, but I would think he'd know better then to blunder into danger. Those "character X must survive" missions are always a pain for just that reason. I may have to get Myth II just for the chickens and ancient Rus references, but my real time skills are not the greatest. After getting soundly defeated by an 11-year-old in Age of Empires I grew rather disillusioned. Guys with spears shredding my gunmen, what's up with that? :wacko:

Stroph1: Glad you checked out the AAR! This is certainly good office reading material considering I'm usually writing it when I should be working. As for "them" I'm already having nightmares. I picture all that calming blue vanishing from the map while I drunkenly pound on my monitor. It should be fun.


The coming storm.

1160-1180: Poor seed, poor peasants, poorly conceived hair metal.


Official soundtrack/philosophy. These guys represent everything this AAR stands for: drinking, motorcycles, violence, etc.

It's time for more bad dog behavior right out of the gate as Vladimir, which is now only the province of Beloozero, gets attacked by Novgorod's RPG squads (rocket propelled goats). Faced with a nightmare of feathers, beaks and wool the once mighty Principality goes out with about as much glory and meaning as an villain extra in a episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.

Perhaps dismayed by the constant violence against co-religionists the clergy now feels neglected. I treat this like every other unhappiness event: hit a random option, watch the negligible consequences and start planning the next evil war.


I don't want to, but he's three months late in rent, blasts Motorhead from his stereo at all hours of the night and keeps making messes in the laundry room.

In other zero impact event news, a revolt in Reval is ignored. I don't see any little soldier with a red and black flag, so it can't be all that serious. The real issue is more "poor seed" for our farmers.

Speaking of poor seed, the bastard (and only) son of the Prince dies at the age of 19. I guess I was a little premature in proclaiming him One Tough Bastard. On the other hand he gets canonized, so maybe The Boz should make a sequel called "One Holy Bastard."

After a few dull years of discovering the pitchfork and building castles Poland calls us into a war against Vladimir Volynsky, Galich and Beresty in 1166. The war is a total rub out, with our armies often acting unopposed. A peace with Galich is settled for 5526 Gold (!) and the provinces of Beresty and Peremyshl end up under the calming blue.


The Bear takes out the pagan trash.

I now have over 10,000 gold and just about nothing left to buy. Perhaps sensing the problem the game gives me repeated "alms for the poor" events and I'm sure to give in each time. What else am I going to do with all this useless gold? Maybe I can build some anti-Motorpsycho walls with it.


Helping the poor.

Time for more unjust war, I suppose. Once again, the sole purpose is making the map look better. West Devina, which divides my northern and southern holdings is attacked after another rightful claim of Novgorod is "discovered."


Time to pull over and attack someone.

Just as I'm getting ready to settle West Devina, they are somehow absorbed by Vitebsk. Christ-shield or not, this will not stand. The war declaration is passed on to the new occupant and a full scale poultry offensive soon has Vitebsk settling for control of West Devina and 1947 Gold.

More worthless money for the walls, I guess.


Time to invent the Chickenpsychos?

With the war over the War Hammer is invented. Good work egg heads, we now have a crude club like weapon. Something tells me these new hammers CAN be touched and probably aren't 2 legit 2 quit.


The ultimate hammer movie...wait a minute! That's not a hammer, that's a hook! Boooooooo!!!! Refund!

The next several years pass quickly and painlessly as I sweat off the sin child points and keep hoping for the new castle advance that just doesn't come. The only good news is the invention of "Romantic Poetry" and "Ballads." This is not going to put Motorpsychos in graves, so what's the point?


I guess every Paradox game has its unhappy peasants, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.

In 1180 things are going reasonably well. I just have to hope to get that new castle advance soon so I can be better prepared for the doom that hangs over everything. Come on technology tree, give me the good stuff!


Novgorod in 1180