The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England and of Wales


Thoughts on the Civil War – the middle years, 1280 (age 14)











As usual, we open our story with a treacherous vassal.










Now Finland and Normandy have risen against me as well.









I know there is yet another rebellion going on in the British Isles, but I am ignoring that for the moment. You see, in Angermanland, my armies are pulling off a win against the rebel Duke of Norrland.

The armies of Norway are invincible! So long as we outnumber our enemies 53 to 1, anyway.

Oh wait a minute. My advisors have pointed out that Wulfhere is actually one of my loyal vassals and Arnvid is actually the treacherous traitor.

So we are actually losing, and quite badly up in Angermanland.

So, um, never mind.













Well, at least we won a real victory in Sjaelland. Can this day get any better?










Yes it can!

Trondelag’s Duke sees the wisdom of surrendering his lands to me and spending the remainder of his days in the dungeons.











Today word arrived that the obnoxious Duke of Gloucester has finally been crushed!

My enemies are dropping like flies!

I’m thinking about holding a “Victory Banquet.”











But first, my loyal vassals are entrusted with a 10,000 man army – the largest I’ve sent to Britain in quite some time. The Duke of Norfolk needs to learn a lesson.











The Duke of Jamtland rebelled today, once more blocking our critical access to glaciers, bears and frost-bite. Reducing them should take the better part of a week.










That’s alright Galloway, you’ll get yours soon enough.











Okay, now I’m starting to get depressed again.

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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark and of England


Thoughts on the Civil War – the middle years, 1280 – Now with More 1280!











I decided to spin off the Kingdom of Wales by giving it to this Swedish fellow who, to my knowledge, has never betrayed me. What I should be doing is getting rid of all these English vassals, but father spent so much time conquering here, I hate to part with it all.










It doesn’t get a lot of press, but when I am not in active bankruptcy, I do try to help the poor. I need at least someone in this stupid kingdom to like me.









What is really interesting about this morning’s reports from the front is that, apparently, we are at war with Bohemia. I’m sure I got a letter about this when it happened, but I guess I misplaced it. I wonder who owns Brandenburg? If it is one of my vassals, well, he probably had it coming.













Hmm. I guess the Duke of Brandenburg can’t take a joke.










We won a battle against the Norfolkians today. Any day now, he’ll start paying for his crimes.

Yep. Any day now.











I think I’m going to have to put that “Victory Banquet” on indefinite hold.











I spread out the messages on my desk this morning and looked them over.

Then I went and sat in a hot bubble bath with the lights out for the rest of the day.











Duke Saebert of Bergen finally surrendered. The old Skule would have gotten all excited about this, as if it meant the Civil Wars were finally petering out.

The new Skule knows that it just means three more vassals are about to rebel.










See?












The Duke of Cumberland accepted my peace offer of “Keep everything and just go away.”

For some reason, the Dukes of Norfolk and Hampshire did not accept this.

I am reduced to calling up the armies of my half-brother Sigurd.

Sigurd has not rebelled throughout this war. Probably he expects me to be murdered in short order by one of my legion of enemies so he can be King.

Of course, he may consider it a blessing to not be in charge of this rat’s nest.
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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Thoughts on the Civil War – the middle years, 1281 – 1283











I can’t see any way to keep this place, and frankly, I don’t want it anymore, so I’ve decided to give England to my close, personal friend Duke Arne Brahe of Warwick. In all these wars he has loyaly and endlessly supported me. He deserves a reward for such courage and supportiveness. He would never betray me and so I’ve made him a King. Enjoy amigo!










I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before, but that rebelling Duke of Salisbury: my cousin Ogmund. I hate him, but whatever. I want wars in England to end, so I agreed to all of his demands – even the oddly specific one of exactly 38 pounds of gold.









What the hell Arne? Frankly, I have no idea why I am not suicidal.













Peace of God my ass….stupid Pope.










At least the Count of Akershus has been destroyed. Wait a second. The Count was Hakon Crovan? Are all these idiot rebels Crovans?

That would actually explain quite a lot.











Vastergotland has finally been retaken as well.

My new plan is to restore my Scandinavian domain by force and just pretend all the other wars are not happening. What could go wrong?











Fulfilling an obscure and, allegedly, ancient promise that some Akershus must always be in rebellion, the Duke of that name steps in to fill the void left by the Count.











With Bergslagen defeated, it looks like I might actually win this thing!










Now, some of my French “vassals” have offered to just take their lands and go away. Good riddance.

Plus, I got to string up a Bishop today. Everything is coming up Crovan!












I was getting ready for my Sweet 16th Birthday Party. While getting dressed, I took a look at myself in the mirror. Good Lord I look like crap.

I had the Royal Hairdressers give me the latest look for fashionable overlords, but still.
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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Thoughts on the Civil War – the latter years, 1283 – 1285











Today, the Duke of Akershus surrendered. At this point, it is safe to say my enemies are losing.










And today, I have married the daughter of one of my vassals. I think her name is Margaret.










I was sitting up in bed all night last night wrestling with a decision. You see, I like very much being reckless, but at the same time, for obvious reasons, I don’t trust anyone on Earth.

As much fun as it would be to give in to the recklessness, I feel I should really concentrate on assuming everyone is out to get me. Especially since it is so obviously true.













Jamtland is finally retaken.










One of my advisors brought me conclusive proof that my Steward is a poor role model. Incidents of stealing money and personal property from liege lords, over-farming, and stealing all the good wine are on the rise throughout the country as rebellious youth follow his bad example.

I pointed out that he is clearly not trying to kill me, which, you know, makes him one of my finest followers. Maybe the youth will follow that example too.











Pal the Bastard, King of Scotland, has officially declared himself a legitimate heir of Half-Dan. I guess so, but as heir to the Scotland part, I wouldn’t be boasting so much.











Now Norrland has been recovered. I’m really feeling good about this now. If you notice, I have even had time to make snide comments about my half-brothers! This Civil War has to be about over.











And I have produced an heir, Hakon by name. He’s a strong and healthy looking lad, don’t you think?










Hampshire gets everything they ask for. I am so over the British Isles.












Oxford makes peace with me. Now, there are only a few scraps to be cleaned up. Oh, and the Dung-Encrusted Traitor-King Arne of England.
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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Thoughts on the Civil War – the latter years, 1285 – 1287











Today is the best day ever. I actually led the army into battle personally against those jerks in England and we won like the biggest victory ever. It was really close too. This army represented the very last reserves of Norweigan manpower. I’ve even drafted most of the Royal Herald Executioners into the ranks, so it was really the end if we couldn’t pull it off.

It was so awesome.

Yeah, we’re still at war and all but they can’t really bother me in Norway anymore.










Speaking of which, this has been a pretty eventful few years since dad died, so let me take a moment and show you my domains after the war. Norway is the areas marked in “Crovan Blue.”

Finland is owned by one of my traitor cousins. Those may or may not be vassals of mine in the south. I frankly don’t care.










In the west, things have totally fallen apart. I own that one piece of France and that swatch of the old Danelaw in England. That I am going to keep, just because it pisses off the English.

Them I still hate.











Now, I still have to hand out a good chunk of these lands…ah how I long for the days of Skofte when it could all be demesne!

My cousing Erik gets to be Duke of Bergen.










The confused Saxon Frank with the dynamite hair gets to be Duke of the Lapps.











I know, it is kind of spooky how they all look like me. Sometimes I think it’s a compliment and sometimes I am just creeped out. But no matter, Goat-Herd gets to be Duke of Jamtland.











This doppelganger gets to be Duke of Bergslagen.











I’ve decided it is just creepy. Even so, he gets to be Duke of Trondelag.










Johan here got to be Duke of Ostergotland so long as he got a haircut.












Now that’s much better. Let’s see – I am bringing in 13 pounds of gold a month in profit, and I owe…let’s see…ah here it is…5,903 pounds of gold.

Yep. We’re ruined.
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