Gather 'round as I tale of a tale of the Hindu giant that almost wasnt. The year was 1419 of the christian calender, the land of Jodhpur was an Hindu island in a sea of Muslim states. To make matters worse they were subject to the most powerful muslim kid on the block, Delhi. But the ruler of Jodhpur made a peverbial pact with the devil and enterd in an alliance with his lord. Emboldened by this unholy alliance with the Sultan the great ruler of Jodhpur struck out at the kingdom of Gujarat, also subject to the Sultan in Delhi. Not to risk the fragile alliance, and well out of greed the Jodhpur ruler didnt invite the Sultan to partake in this war.
Now Gujarat was very much embrioled in a war with the heirs of Tamerlane, whos empire was on the precpace of destruction, but they wernt over the edge just yet and were able to take all of Gujarats lands west of the Indus. Takeing full advantage of this distraction the wise and noble ruler of Jodhpur who we will call Jimmy cause well, I forgot his name, and Jimmy and Jodhpur both start in J, and I knew a guy named Jimmy once, good guy. Anyways Jimmy and his army of cavalry rode in the the Gujarat province of Gujarat, seized the biggest and baddest Fort they could find and moved on the Kutch, rinse/repeat in Sinda as well, soon all of the Gujarati lands were in the grasp of Jimmy of Jodhpur. When all was said and done Sinda and Gujarat were cede to Jimmy and the Sultan was forced to give many shinny trinquits and coins, Jimmy liked shinny things, but then who doesnt, maybe the blind, I supose they cant really enjoy them for obvious reasons.
The year was 1424, a year after the conclusion of the Gujarati war and the Timurd Empire was begining to show the first signs of weakness, and the Sultan of Delhi fresh of the conquest of Malwa decided he would like afghan women for his harem, and being rather cheap decided to get them at the point of a sword, draging Jimmy and Jodhpor into a war with the Heirs of Tamerlane and the Caliph of Iraq. Jimmy him self had lost a good chuck of ear to a feiry afghan women and would have nothing to to with them, so he lead his forces deep into the lands of the Baluchi, at the farthest reach he knocked on the gates of Infhsan in the middle of the night, much to the annoyance of the sleeping gate keeper when he found only a flaming sachel of dog doo to greet him. This is the first known record of the Dog Doo prank , which spread far and wide, and is still practiced in many countrys to this day. Tireing of leaving dog doo sachels at the gates of Infhsan Jimmy accepted a caravan of shinny objects from the Timurid ruler in return Jimmy promised to leave his lands and discontinue his dog doo attacks while enroute to Jodhpur. Much distracted by a polish spoon Jimmy kept his word and returned to home. His master in Delhi wouldnt fair as well, not having the stomach for Dog doo he lost the land of Thar to the Timurids.
After exausting his attention span on the spoon Jimmy returned to his dog doo ways, he, and six of his closest companions rode into Kutch, own by Gujarat, and laid down a barage of canine feces that would make a All Hollows Eve devient proud. This of course wouldnt stand with the Ruler of Gujarat who was so incense when he lost his good cliche curly shoes he declared war, without an army to speak of to prosecute it. And so the Sultan of Gujarat was deposed and Jimmy aquired a new land. During the "Sultan and Dog Doo" incident Dehli was still prosecuting the war with Timurid, rather inefectivly at that. Jimmy took the oprotunity of declare war on Delhi and take some of their lands for himself, and perhaps some spoons of outrageous preportions. But why would Jimmy declare war on its own alliance partner you ask, well they decided they had enuf of Jimmys antics and refused to join him in the capture of Gujarat and Jimmy was one for grudges, he couldnt remember his own birthday half the time but he would remember a grudge for years on end, well not years, more like year, this is Jimmy were talking about people.
So Jimmy rode off to war, with a troupe of the largest dogs he could find in tow. And the doo was spread thruout the country side, from Punjab to Malwa, and to Delhi itself. And when the Sultan had enuf of the stank that now permiated his land he handed over Bik... Birk, well some province with one of those funky Indian names that Jimmys father had claims on. Well Jimmy wasnt one for finances, he could lead and army, light fire to dog doo like none else, and was quite flexible, but he wasnt monetarily inclinded as it were, and he took out several loans to fight his wars, loans he could not pay. So the disgrutled loan sharks killed Jimmy, poor Jimmy, spooned to death, just a terrible way to go. On the bright side the loan sharks were placiated and Jimmys son, Joey Joe Joe(JJJ for short) acended the throne. JJJ knew better then to fight another costly war, and even did away with his fathers dog doo troupe, Jimmy had insisted that to produce the right size doo the dogs had to be properly fed and groomed and the cost became outrageous. JJJ didnt have the taste for his fathers pranks either.
Jimmys ways had ended, and crotcheyy old men rejoiced at the end of the reign of the aptly named, doo lighter, for good reason too, shoes were a luxuary most did not have, and having your foot scorched only to be embraced by and large pile of chit wasnt to pleasnt for most.
The year was 1446 and I think thats enuf talk of dog doo, Jimmy, Shinny things, and his Son, if I keep on writing I think Ill come back to that, and Im not sure how many of you want that.
Next time on the Sons of the Doo Lighter, JJJ gets aquinted with the Sultan of Delhi, still steaming from the steaming pile of......
