An Illyrian Adventure - A Prince and the Thane Croatia AAR

Welcome all to the Kingdom of Croatia, I am but a humble recorder of events, my name, well thats not important, what is important is the status of our mighty Kingdom.


So now lets meet our mighty king, His Grace King Kresimir the fourth of his name king our mighty Kingdom since January 1st 1058. He is an Elusive Shadow, which makes his grace quite a wench magnet. His grace is also quite just, like this one time one of the King's knights punched a whore, because the she made a comment about the knight's 'sword'. As punishment the knight could no longer vist the whores, needless to say the knight was not happy for now all had was his wife who was uglier then the ass of an ass. His grace is also kind which is hard to come by in these times my last lord was quite a mean man he me made clean the entire castle with a goat, A GOAT, how do you clean with a goat they only make more of a mess; oh I'm sorry for my rant now lets get back on track. His grace is also a patient man especially with the cook she might have great 'milk bottles' but her cooking is more awful then a German birthday party. His grace is also quite pragmatic, unfourtanetly I don't know what that word means I think it has something to do with chickens, but whatever. Now lets meet the Queen, Her Grace Queen Miroslava Babonic. She is quite a mean woman she once stole one of her ladies-in-waiting clothes while she was bathing because she said the Queen's hair was not as nice as it was the day before, the poor girl had to wander the castle nude I felt quite bad for her but then I saw her 'unholy area' and suddenly I didn't feel as bad but thats beside the point, the Queen is cruel end of story. She is also greedy she stole the money I was saving, to go vist a Madame Sexadapagos, the greatest whore in the Roman Empire. However despite all of her faluts the Queen is temperate which gives quite a nice body, a really nice body, oh God what I wouldn't give to be with her for a night instead of that foolish king; oh I'm sorry got off track again, anyway lets move on.

So know that we have met the King and Queen, let us meet the heir to the mighty Kingdom of Croatia. The heir to the throne is a drooling two year old girl, great just great if there is one thing I despise its children, especially noble children, really if you ever have to be ward for a noble kid just make the guy who cleans the stables raise the kid that will be a good education for the little bastard.


His Grace King Kresimir IV decided he would do a little self improvement today, he was going to try to improve his stewardship skills, luckily I don't need to do that, I'm great at handleing money just ask that Ventian merchant that sold me this magic rock that grants wishes for only 100 ducats, I mean sure it has not granted my wish to become King but I'm sure it will eventually. The King was also tested by the Master of Arms to see how great of a swordsmen the king is. Apparently his Grace is an average swordsmen, unlike myslef I slew the dragon of Zagreb single handedly, it makes me quite a wench magnet, but my stupid sister keeps telling I just dreamed that and there never was a dragon of Zagreb, yeah like I'm going to believe her, she said that she and the Queen had a very 'tender' moment after they both got very drunk at the King's birthday feast, yeah ok sister no one believes that story but everyone beleives my dragon story.


Now lets meet the Royal Council the greatest minds of the Kingdom coming togther to serve his Grace. As you can see the Queen Mother is on the council, well lets just say it took a lot of nagging to get that job plus I warned his grace not to give her the job because she is Italian and you never let an Italian handle money, there terrible with money; oh please don't tell her I said that I don't want to yelled at for nine hours, God can those Italians argue and flail there arms around when they argue.

Alright everyone welcome back, now what has happened, I don't know to be honest. Oh wait I remember now, so His Grace King Kresimir IV sent out members of the Royal Council to do different jobs. His Grace sent the Marshall out to get more peasants into the king's levy, I think its going well coinsidering I have eaten things smarter then the peasants around here. His Grace the sent his mother, the Steward, to go collect some taxes. Last but not least his Grace sent out the Court Chaplain to go study culture, bah, who needs culture when you have good looking wenches. As for the Chancellor and Spymaster they did not get any assignments, lucky bastards they don't have to do anything, I wish I had those jobs then this stupid job I mean honestly who cares about whats going on in this backwater kingdom; oh I'm sorry lets get back on track.


Next the King wanted the nobles to vote on some new laws he proposed. First the King wanted to increase the authority of the crown, yeah if I was king I would do the same and have absolute power, but I would use my powers wisely not like that Caligula guy who made his horse Consul, I mean really a goddamn horse, no I would do better I would make my favorite wench a Consul, if only I knew what a Consul was. His Grace's second proposed law was to make the nobles give the King more of there levies, that is a very good idea, for soon Croatia will conquer the world, yes, yes, BWHAHAHAHAHA; oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to write my laughing down any way lets move on.


I was talking to some of the other members of the castle staff and they told me some very juciy gossip, apparently His Grace is unfaithful and has slept with some 14 year old Bosnian whore. Personally I find that quite disgusting, you should only sleep with a girl if she it at least 15, what a poor example His Grace is setting for his people.


Today was sad day, a count died and His Grace inherited the count's land. I was hopeing he would grant me the land since I have been working so hard for him but he didn't he just kept it, what about me what don't I get anything oh woe is me, ungreatful douchebag king.


I just found out the Queen is pregnant, well that explains the moaning I heard down the hall, and the stupid cook thought it was some peasant girl and her werewolf lover, pffh everyone knows werewolves are queer. Well 9 months later it turns out the Queen had twins, a boy and a girl, the boy was named Miroslav and Silvija, I wanted to name them Jaime and Cersei but for some reason the Queen did not like those names.

I heard a loud explosion near the castle, at first I thought Jesus had come back but then I found out that His Grace was overseeing an alchymy experiment. I wish I was an alchemist I could turn my useless wishing rock, that douchebag Ventian merchant sold me, into gold. Now His Grace is doing all these alchymy experiments and I sort of wish I was in a different castle you know because of the whole I MIGHT BLOW UP THING!


I heard today that His Grace was going to search for the Holy Grail, I'm sure he will find it, we Croatians are great at finding grails. *note to self find out what a grail is*


Of course before setting out some research had to be done, apparently the grail is somewhere in Palestine. After doing all the research His Grace became very zealous and prayed all the time probably because the whole sleeping with a 14 year old thing. Sadly I had to go with His Grace to Palestine, it was a long journey and it's very hot in Palestine and several times we got attacked by crazy goat herders who were yelling "Allahu Akbar". So to find out more about the grail His Grace beat up, I mean kindly asked some local peasants if they knew anything about the grail. Sadly the peasants even after being "kindly asked" still did not know anything so His Grace gave the peasants some gold and they pointed him towards a cave. Sadly nothing was in the cave except these two women who claimed to be the local Emir's wives, what they were doing, well lets leave that tale for a different day. We headed back towards great Croatia His Grace had become very cynical which made the ride home very unplesant, oh and a rabbit killed one of our knights, the beast looked so adorable one second and the next second poor Ivan did not have a head. However we escaped from the beast and lived to tell the tale even if the other knights laughed at us.

Today His Grace changed the succesion law of the kingdom to elective so that means this is my chance to become King, soon all will fear my power. Ok some sad news only Bans (Croatian Dukes) and members of the Royal family can become King, so needless to say I'm really pissed I want to become King, I would lead Croatia to world domination. His Grace picked his distant relative Dmitar Zvonimir to become the next King, the only thing I can say about he has a cool beard which is always important for a King.


The King and Queen got into a huge arguement apprently the Queen found out about the little Bosnian whore and she ordered the King to stop seeing her, the King told her to mind her own business. Later however the King felt bad so he asked me (I know I feel so special!) how to solve his problem, so I told His Grace to solve the problem with his weiner.


So the Queen is prego, see guys when ever you have a problem just use your weiner to solve it.


Unfortunately your weiner can also bring little brats in to the world, I should know all the castle whores keep coming to asking for money, but just say they are witches and your off the hook. Well I might have been wrong your weiner can't fix all your problems because the Spymaster found out the Queen was ploting to kill His Grace. So the Queen was sent to the dungeon the poor woman just sits there all day, I know how to brighten her day, yeah you gussed it with my weiner.


So yeah I got beaten up pretty bad, my weiner didn't make her happy, no it just made her mad so I ran away. After throwing his wife in the dungeon, the King's elderlyness was starting to show he just wasn't the swordsmen he used to be.

Remember that little Bosnian whore His Grace was sleeping with well today she gave birth to a kid. His Grace didn't legitimize the kid but he did admit it was his, of course the Queen was uhappy but she is in the dungeon so who cares.


More bad news for His Grace, some random French guy apparently found the Holy Grail, His Grace had some very mean things to say about the Frenchies but I probably shouldn't repeat those things here.


Wow His Grace sure knows how to use his weiner since the Bosnian whore just gave birth to another bastard. Saldy the poor baby is really ugly, His Grace agreed and denounced the child, good choice.


Some sad news both the twins have died, I mean when the girl died it was not that big of a deal but the son that was awful, poor Miroslav, RIP.


His Grace decided after the whole ploting to kill him incident, he would divorce Miroslava, sadly the Pope said no and thus His Grace was stuck with his awful wife. So if you can't divorce her then there is only one thing left to do you have to kill her.


The Queen was complaining about being in the dungeon, I told His Grace she could always move in my room I would show her a good time. His Grace decided however to keep her in the dungeon.


Its time for mighty Croatia to crush those smelly Ventian merchants and regain Zadar, they will pay for cheating me as well when I show them my mighty sword skills. The war starts well with our troops crushing the smelly merchants in the first battle of the war.


Prince Stjpen was very afraid of the dark because he saw a vampire, at least he said it was a vampire, I think it was just that peasant with the very weird pointy teeth who only comes out a night. His Grace had a talk with the Prince and he got over it, he also became very diligent, I don't know what they means but I know I'm not diligent.


His Grace managed to get his eldest daughter married to the Eastern Roman Emperor, quite an acomplishement, I hope the Emperor likes her, I think she is an annoying math nerd. His Grace the Eastern Roman Emperor an average dowery, thats all he needs I mean after all they have that fancy fire for there boats and they can make silk so they don't need that much money.


Well today the Queen died in the dungeon, so his Grace picked a new wife, a 13 year old French Princess. Now I don't mean to be mean but His Grace seems to have a strange likeing of young little girls.


Today the forces of mighty Croatia have captured Zadar, the smelly merchants will soon realize the might of Croatia and they will soon surrender. So today the Ventians gave up and Zadar is back in Crotaian hands, I sure hope His Grace will give me Zadar for my hardwork. Once again he didn't give me the land, every freaking time, why, why can't have land is that to much to ask.


Last night I couldn't sleep at all His Grace and his new bride got really into it, so much moaning and crying out to God, it made for a very uncomfortable night in the castle. Well a few months later the little Queen gave birth to a kid, after what I heard that night I guess it was inveitable.


A Norman came to teach Prince Stjpen how to be a great swordsmen, it seemed to work the little bastard hit me in the "wheat sack" with his wooden sword.

Goodbye Your Grace we will miss you, even if you alchymy expirements were very scary and almost blew me up several times, your were a kind king, except to your wife, you had a stange love for very young women. However despite all your faults we will miss you. Now, All Hail His Grace Dmitar Zvonimir first of his name, King of Croatia.

All Hail His Grace King Dmitar Zvonimir first of his name, he has a long manly beard, and he is good with money, thats about it not much else to say about him. Although he has his own son, Dmitar promised to Kresimir IV that he would choose his son to become King afterward instead of Dmitar's son. The Ban's apporved the choice of Prince Stjepan as the heir, I apporve also Dmitar's son smells like the arse of a goat.


For his coranation King Dmitar Zvonimir decided to hold a tournment to celebrate becoming King of Croatia. I wanted to particpate but you need to be a knight but I know they just don't want me there because they know I will kick there fancy noble asses. The Commendation Ceremony was also held today all the noble's bowed to the King and swore there loyalty, it was quite grand I also swore my loyalty to the King and thus I kept my job as the recorder of royal events.


Her Grace Queen Illona, gave birth to a daughter today, oh boy another royal brat, as long as it leaves me alone there will be no issues.


Well I was watching the tournment and His Grace came up to joust, and it seemed to go well at first at least until His Grace's smelly merchant opponent's lance bounced off His Grace's shield and went into his neck, it was quite gruesome. We watched His Grace lie on the jousting field and we knew he was dead. So after only 5 months on the throne, King Dmitar Zvonimir was dead and the whole Kingdom mourned his lose. Wow 5 months and over beacause of a freak accident, oh well I'm sure the new King will let me keep my job. Long Live King Stjepan the second of his name!

Really no comments how depressing , well thanks to those who are watching, another update about the new King should be on its way as soon as ImageShack is done uploading.

Well now we have a new King a ten year old little brat, but I'll be fine its not like he can read and see all the bad things I have said about *guard walks in and stabs the writer*. Hi I'm Stjepan II King of Croatia, I found out that the royal recorder of events said some very unkind things about me, so now will write my own story. So I decided my guardian will be King Dmitar I Zvonimir's widow Princess Ilona of Hungary she is also my regent, I hope she does not make a Magyar out of me.


Today we had the Commendation Ceremony, all my vassal's came and swore there loyalty to me it was quite nice I felt quite important, some of my vassal's said some stuff about Ilona's bottom, I don't know whats so great about it, it's just a bottom.


I'm going to such an awesome King one day and Illona agrees with me. I saw my nanny and wow is she fat I want to make sure I don't become fat. Ilona however showed me that food is amazing and I ate enough food to feed an entire peasant village for a year, too bad those peasants are going to die.


(Yes I'm back I was just to lazy to update but I'll have more later )