InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report

@ Dauth: Glad that you enjoyed him. As you probably know from previous updates, he was a response to the loss of the graphics tablet, but I enjoyed him more than I expected

@ Omen: Indeed, he had been around for 40+ in-game years, which I thought was plenty. I was going for bittersweet, and writing that took more effort than anything I've written here before, but it felt like the right way and time for him to make his final bow.

@ loki100: Mr H-B is a well-travelled and sociable man - no doubt that youngster misinterpreted a tale or compliment. You know how these women can be in the presence of such famous men!

And thank you, it felt like an achievement. Next targets include 'dobber' and 'yabass.'

@ homy_dog34: I'm glad that after all the effort that went into the writing of that update, that was the main thing you noticed And actually, my Production efficiency isn't that high, so I reckon Novgorod still generates more income overall, but Mr H-B was meaning in terms of tax income

@ Memento Mori: I wanted to have his...open his mind a little as he went along (The Czar offered to open his mind for him, but he politely declined). And yes, Tver still has the most expensive life insurance premiums in all of the Russian Federation. Though the regional government does save a fortune on retirement homes, because nobody needs them.

@ Ogrecrusher: Fear not, the AAR will continue! (or should be 'sorry, the AAR will continue'). Merely moving on from the era of Huiver-Bagge.

@ morningSIDEr: I know, it's terrible. Too focused on science is the Czar, not looking at the real issues. Incidentally, hope you're all right after the Hibs-Hearts match, sounded like it was all kicking off in Leith beforehand!

And I am sure that he has sired many worthy progeny to further enhance the Empire's greatness. Maybe they'll even appear in these hallowed pages...

@ The Arch Mede: It took me a moment to get that Quality. Have you been sitting on that for a while or did it just come to you?

@ MrQwerty: (I love how easy your username is to type!) Pompous? Arrogant? He is Huiver-Bagge! Man amongst men! He is beyond such categorisations!

And yes, I'm looking in both directions. Slightly more eastward while I still have Holy War available (until 1650), but if the chance comes to move towards Germany, especially the Baltic and east-central Europe, it will be grasped with both paws. If I have the nerve to take said chance, that is.

@ RGB: All good things, etc. He had a fine run, though, and who knows - maybe some of his descendants will be of a literary bent as well. And it means more cartoons if that's any compensation?

@ brifbates: Precisely, Austria is indeed the Emperor. And that's a point about the strait, I could do with building up the navy in case I do end up scrapping with them. They have a small army of vassals, though, need to check that none of them are naval-oriented.

Episode XLVI: Nemo Tver Impune Lacessit

Czar Aleksandr, Emperor of Tver and All The Russias, leaned back in his chair and stretched. It had been a late night in the science laboratory in the foot of the royal palace, and a headache was gathering support amongst the neurons in his brain. Breakfast, and some strong chocolate (tasted first, of course – all of it) would be most welcome.

The door to his breakfast chamber opened, and in came not the maid, but Kasia, the Siberian tigress. She padded gently over to the table, and curled up around the leg of one of the chairs. Her owner (servant would be more accurate – such is the pact between felines and men) entered shortly afterwards. He did not salute – whether this was because of the bundles of correspondence he held in his arms, or because he was a ****ing Dobczyński and they don’t have to do that kind of thing, is still hotly debated in the Tverian History departments of a hundred Universities worldwide.

‘Aha! Dobczyński!’

Captain Mirin Janusz Dobczyński nodded.

‘Sir. Not much correspondence for you this morning.’

‘Good, good. Waste of time, correspondence. Thinking of getting a secretary to deal with all this for me. Then I can focus on the things that matter.’

‘Like science, sir?’

‘You learn quickly. Now, what’s going on?’

‘The King of Bohemia has inherited the throne of Brunswick.’



‘Not sure that’s good news...but they’ll be happy about that’

‘Rhapsodic, even. Especially the Queen.’

‘I had hoped the Imperial territories would remain independent.’

‘Another one bites the dust, eh?’

‘Bohemia are quite large enough already.’

‘I think they want it all, sir. And they want it now.’

‘Yes...so, changing the subject...’

‘Oh, don’t stop me now, sir.’

‘I must! Time is wasting!’

‘Well, that’s true, sir. Besides, who wants to live forever?’

‘Time and tide wait for no man, Dobczyński.’

‘Neither time, tide nor the 26 from Abbeyhill to Corstorphine.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing, sir.’

‘Finish going through the post. Hopefully nothing too exciting. I need some time to focus on...’

‘Kurkawodna!

‘Dobczyński?’

‘Kurka-bastardin-wodna!’

‘Such language!’

‘They’re mental. They’ve actually gone completely around the bend.’

‘Who have?’

Dobczyński passed the letter to the Emperor.



Czar Aleksandr looked up from the declaration, and fixed Dobczyński with a piercing gaze.

‘Where’s the diplomat?’

‘Still in the foyer, sir, looking rather nervous. Said he wanted to move to somewhere called Sokoto.’

‘Right. We won’t stand for this!’

‘You just did, sir.’

‘Oh.’ The Czar sat down again. ‘General Vadbolsky!’

The door opened, and in walked Tver’s most decorated military leader. Indeed, had the technology been available at the time, it is likely that his coat’s decorations would have been visible from space.

‘Find the Hungarian diplomat, remove his feet and bring him to the laboratory. I’ve been planning to see if wheels are compatible with the human form.’ The General saluted and left. ‘Dobczyński?’

‘Sir?’

‘Any idea why they’ve done this? We outnumber them. Comfortably. And gave them a sound thrashing only a few years ago.’

‘It’s probably because we’re simultaneously fighting two enemies on the eastern border.’

‘And are in complete control of the wars against both the Kazakhs and the Timurids.’

‘Indeed. They don’t seem to have noticed that. They also have strong allies, but...it’s still mental.’

‘Well then, Dobczyński. Perhaps it is time to write a little Hungarian Rhapsody of our own.’

‘Aye, sir. I’ll start Liszting what we need at once. Mainly muskets, cannons and horses.’

‘One day, Dobczyński, I will combine all three into one. Until then, we prepare to defend ourselves from this dastardly assault. The Empire marches to war once more, gentlemen. Hungary attacks us, and I am sure the Swedes will be with them. Set your course for Polotsk, Dobczyński...’



‘General Vadbolsky, prepare your men!’



Hungarian soldiers thundered towards Tver’s eastern borders, confirmations came from her allies: the Magyar assault would be supported by the Kingdoms of Sweden and Prussia. These, Dobczyński felt, could be repulsed. Sweden was weakened by fighting Denmark for control of Estonia and Latvia (conditions were very bloody and as for the temperature, pure Baltic), and if the Germanics, who didn’t even control all of Prussia, thought that they could defeat the Empire of Tver – why, they must have had a Prussia blood to the head! The real worry, though, was the mightiest of Hungary’s allies. They had not, for some reason, called upon the mighty fleets and red-coated legions of Great Britain, but upon a far more terrifying force...



There was yet hope, however – Bar lay a great distance away, and there was a chance that her invincible forces would not be deployed to east-central Europe. There was no time to ponder these issues, as the Magyar assault had begun in earnest. Battle was joined at the gates of Kyiv as King Laszlo of Hungary led his men into battle personally. Dobczyński looked to entrap the Hungarian king by delaying the deployment of reinforcements, but said reinforcements were not needed – the Magyars’ numbers, and presence of their monarch, was not enough to counteract the shocking sight of Vadbolsky’s garments. Hungarian soldiers clutched at their eyes, dazzled, stunned and bewildered. Soon, their mighty army was retreating in confusion and disarray – and Dobczyński hadn’t even got his sword wet. If he hadn’t trained Vadbolsky himself, he’d have been a bit disappointed.



Tver’s mobilisation forced the country’s attention away from domestic matters. This would have grave economic consequences – with her soldiers and nobility mostly deployed to the front lines, crime rose exponentially, and smuggling, in particular, began to run rampant.



The Hungarians, though, had gravely underestimated the Empire’s resolve. The second large Magyar force sent into Tver was surrounded by Tverian forces in Podolia, and scattered to the winds.



In the east of the Empire, Tver’s provision of church-led school teaching was having thr desired effect – Duke of Uralsk reported that a majority of his populace were now Russian-speakers who identified primarily with Tverian culture.



Tver’s armies charged into Hungarian territories almost unopposed. Ruthenia, with its Ukrainian population, fell quickly and happily. The advance, though, did not stop there. On Dobczyński’s explicit order (very explicit – he spent a year at the University of Glasgow) a Tverian force marched north-west into Małopolska. The great city of Kraków was surrounded, and a siege was laid. The Hungarian defences were pounded into submission, by the Imperial guns, Tverian soldiers thundered over the walls, and the jewel of central Europe was under the control of the Empire.



The Hungarians were determined not to give up, though. King Laszlo had rallied his remaining troops, and led an ambush on a Tverian siege force in the Crimea. In the face of the Hungarian assault, the only option was to retreat to preserve manpower.



This worrying reverse was followed by the thunderous missive from the most fearsome of Hungary’s allies. The Duke of Bar (though this nation was far mightier than any true Duchy) demanded huge reparations from the Czar – or else.



The Czar, though, stood firm (with Dobczyński’s assistance any man or soldier will do so), choosing to risk the wrath of Bar in the hope that the mighty Duke would be too preoccupied with more important matters. His resolve was strengthened by Dobczyński’s decisive victory over the Hungarian king at the Second Battle of Podolia. The Hungarians retreated once more, from whence they were harried time and again by Vadbolsky’s cavalrymen and, eventually, forced to surrender.



The time had come to deal with Hungary’s other allies (Bar being far beyond reproach!) The Prussians has made no advances into Tverian territory, but they lay in a strategic position for the mustering of a potential counterattack. They had to be neutralised, and quickly. The Czar a sent a rider to the Hochmeister of the Teutonic Order, asking for military access.



With the country united against the Hungarian threat, the Czar initiated another plan. He believed that the Tverification of the rich city of Astrakhan could be greatly sped up by the establishment of new settlements, encouraging immigration from the Russian-cultured parts of the Empire. While the Tverian Bill of Rights guaranteed the rights of minorities, the cultural absorption of the Tartar territories would greatly benefit the Empire if it could be managed...diplomatically.



Hungary’s position weakened further as Tverian siege forces surrounded the capital. Dobczyński and Vadbolsky stood before the Hungarian capital, surveying the defences.

Vadbolsky was concerned.

‘We have the men, Captain – but can we give them enough covering fire? Those walls are stronger than those of Tver herself.’

‘I think we can handle them, General.’

‘Those castles, in particular, could be a bit of a Pest.’

‘I’ll ask the expert if we have enough cannons for the job...Herr Buemflasch!’

Dobczyński’s Artillerymeister, Konrad Beumflasch, looked up from caressing his mighty weapon.

‘Ja, mein Herr?’

‘Haben sie bangpeipen fuer mich?’

‘Ja, mein herr! Wiele, grosse bangpeipen!’

‘Koenen sie den grossen bastarden schloss upgebangen?’

‘Natuerlich, Herr Dobczyński! An seiner wort, wir beginnen das barrage!’

‘Fantastisch!’ Dobczyński turned to vadbolsky. ‘Get the men ready, General. My blood is up, my blade is ready,and I’ve got my eyes on King Laszlo’s glorious Pecs...’



With Hungary’s prized assets (and capital) in Tverian hands, Vadbolsky was dispateched to lead the attack on Prussia. Outnumbered and outgunned, the Battle of Ostpreussen was, like a Japanese vampire, short and bloody.



Hungary’s collapse was seen as an opportunity for another of central Europe’s powerhouses. Sensing another chance to expand her territory, the King of Bohemia declared war on the beleaguered Magyars.



Prussia’s provinces were swiftly overrun by Imperial troops – within a matter of weeks, their whole territory was under Tver’s control.



The Prussian King was taken to Tver, and forced to kneel before the Czar. The Czar ordered him to rise.

‘You have acted foolishly. But you joined the Hungarians, I think, out of loyalty rather than any hatred of Tver.’

The Prussian king nodded. ‘Yes, your Imperial Majesty.’

‘Then return to your country. We will not take your lands. They will remain your own, in practice at least. Go, Grand Duke of Prussia. You will be our vassal, our servant, and will assist the Empire of Tver whenever we require it. And your state religion will revert to Orthodox Christianity, though your people will be free to practice as they wish. But if you continue to pay your tithes, and obey my orders, you may run your country as you see fit.’

‘Thank you, your Imperial Majesty.’



The war, then, was almost over. Only the threats of Sweden and Bar remained, but the Hungarians, leading the opposition, were in ruins. What demands would the Czar make of the foolish king of Hungary? With the Swedes still in the war there was a limit on what he could negotiate, but it was clear that the Empire, one way or another, had repulsed another threat to her sovereignty.

Czar Aleksandr raised glass of wine to the health of his generals.

‘You have done well, Dobczyński. Thanks to you and Vadbolsky we have shown the westerners what the Empire if made of. Not just ice and snow, but fire and steel.’

‘A pleasure, sir.’

‘We advance at last towards the very heart of Europa – the white horseman of Tver is in the ascendant.’

‘And it’s not the only thing, sir.’

‘There are more and harder battles to come, but for now, let all of Europe remember – nobody provokes Tver with impunity. Not the Hungarians, not anyone.’

‘Well said, sir.’

‘To a new day, then, gentlemen. We shall rest tonight, and tomorrow – we will make the Magyar grovel at our feet once more. Clearly Laszlo von Luxembourg is a glutton for punishment.’

‘Oh, he is. Believe me sir. He is...’ Dobcyński’s smile, as so often, told a more eloquent tale than ever would his words.