Episode XX: SuperTvertheygoballisticHordearequiteatrocious
Ryazan’s declaration of independence was a cause of celebration in the Principality of Tver. As their Russian brothers cast off the brutal yoke of the Tartar, Konstantin Rurikovich saw a glorious opportunity.
‘Dobczyński!’
Seamus Arkadiusz Dobczyński, Konstantin’s long-suffering retainer, approached.
‘Sir?’
‘I have a plan.’
‘If this is about the Norwegian Ambassador’s wife, sir...’
‘No, no, another plan. Ryazan. And freedom.’
‘Is it not beautiful, sir?’
‘Very beautiful. However, complicated. Our ownership of Ryazan province itself is likely to cause trouble.’
‘True. It is rather odd to be called Ryazan when your neighbour owns Ryazan. Novgorod are in the same boat, mind you...’
‘Don’t talk about boats, Dobczyński! The tools of pirates. Stealing our money! Anyway. We can deal with two problems at once.’
‘Do continue, sir.’
‘And I thought it was only women who said that to me.’
‘I keep an open...anyway. Problems?’
‘Yes. One, the Ryazanians may cause trouble. Two, brother Mikhael wishes me dead.’
‘I really don’t think he does, sir.’
‘Rubbish! He carries a sword!’
‘So do I, sir.’ Dobczyński unsheathed his mighty blade to prove the point.
‘I trust you! I do not trust him! No, he must be got rid of. I would send for the Lord High Gizzard Slitter. I would! But now I see an alternative. A chance to get him out of the way.’
Dobczyński sighed. ‘Yes, sir?’
‘The new Prince of Ryazan has two children. One daughter, one son, but the son is a bastard. Beloved as he is, his succession will cause controversy.’
‘And?’
‘We marry Murderous Mikhael to Princess Maria. Get him out of the way. After that, we can support her claim to the throne, and make Ryazan a puppet state.’
‘That’s...actually, that’s a good idea.’
‘Talking of ideas, sir, I think maybe we should give up on conquering Kexholm. Theer’s nothing there for us.’
‘Oh, maybe you’re right, Dobczyński. We must set ourselves a more sensible, beneficial objective!’
This done, Dobczyński returned to the main issue: the prosecution of war against the Golden Horde. With Kazan taken, many in the Tverian parliament thought that it was time to regroup and rearm, but an influential body saw this as a ripe opportunity to further advances. The decision was made to continue the war, and try to wrest the province of Mogilyov from the Tartars before the Latin powers could take it first.
Dobczyński took charge of the colonial enterprise.
Roman Vladimirov was busy with important matters of state, ensuring the proper running of the Tverian government.
Mikhael was swiftly engaged to Princess Maria. Within weeks of the service, however, a Tverian diplomat announced to the Prince of Ryazan that Konstantin saw it as his duty to enforce Maria’s claim to the throne of Ryazan. Effective immediately. With a little Tverian help.
Arguments over leadership were not, however, confined to Ryazan (the country, not the Tverian province). In Yaroslavl, Konstantin’s cousin Ivan Telyatevsky declared himself to be the rightful Prince of Tver, vowing to overthrow Konstantin and establish a new dynasty free from the warmongering Rurikoviches.
Konstantin, though, was standing for no nonsense. He headed straight for Yaroslavl, Dobczyński at his side, and did parade most haughtily in front of the enemy force. Those rebels not cowed by his arched eyebrow were withered in their prime by his manly chest hair and medallion. Within ten minutes of the Prince of Tver’s arrival on the field, Telyatevsky himself staggered forwards, prostrated himself at Konstantin’s feet, and begged leave to retire to a nunnery and live the rest of his life as a women, knowing that he could never even vaguely match Konstantin’s manliness. It is said that Dobczyński did accept the grovelling creature’s apology, then head butt him into a frozen lake, but these sources are unreliable.
Returning to Tver, Konstantin smiled as the message brought by a bedraggled Tartar messenger.
‘Where was this offer, worm, when my great-grandfather asked for peace? Or My grandfather? Or my father?’
‘It..um...’
‘Dobczyński!’
Dobczyński appeared from the next room, carrying a long pole with a metal head.
‘Sir?’
‘You had an idea for a new sport, Dobczyński. Derived from your strange Scottish customs, I gather.’
‘Yes, sir. I call it
gowffe.’
‘Would you mind giving me a demonstration?’
‘Gleefully, sir. If the honoured messenger would mind bowing a little deeper...head a bit closer to the floor...about three inches from it...or maybe FOUR!’
The club swung.
Konstantin stroked his manly chin. ‘Interesting. Not sure it will ever catch on, though. Won’t replace hunting Tigers in the Woods...’
There were to be further difficulties on the home front, as the activities of Orthodox missionaries in Vladimir fuelled a Sunni backlash. Twenty thousand citizens rose up in arms against the attempt to convert the populace back to their old religion. Thankfully for the armies of Tver, though, much of their manpower was wasted in a huge assault against the town’s fortifications, which held firm. Hungry and exhausted, the rebels were hunted down like dogs.
The battle for control of Ryazan (the country, not the province) was a short one. Two Tverian armies were more than sufficient to convince the new Principality’s hastily recruited fighting force to surrender. While Bryańsk held out for a year, there was never any doubt over the eventual result.
The former prince went into exile in Solikamsk, and his bastard son had an unfortunate accident on the stairs of a previously well-reputed butcher’s shop. While the claim to the throne was that of Princess Maria, many in the new state recognised the need for a strong, unified Russian state to face the Tartars. Theerfore, it was agreed that while the day-to-day business of running Ryazan was to be that of Maria, her husband Prince Mikhael (heir to the throne of Tver), and their government, the state was to act in conjunction with the principality of Tver, and Konstantin was to be established as nominal of both Tver and Ryazan. Birth rate amongst Ryazanian minor aristocracy multiplied, clearly a divine sanction of the union of the crowns.
Even better news reached Konstantin’s ears soon after. Dobczyński’s organisation of the colonial project in Mogilyov had been flawless, and the Province was now fully under Tverian control.
A glorious day came soon after, one which would be immortalised in the annals of the Empire of Tver as a national feast day: The Day of Vengeance.
Finally, the ghosts of the Principality’s defeats and humiliations at the hands of the tartars were exorcised forever.
The Steppe Hprdes, though, had not finished with Tver.
The Golden Horde was collapsing, losing territory on all fronts. In the east and south-east, their capitulations were to other Steppe Hordes, and the province of Bolgar – bordering Tverian territory – was overrun and taken by the soldiers of Kazakh.
Seeking to head off this threat immediately, Tverian troops from the eastern army crossed the border. The Principality did not have the resources to take any territory from this new band of heathens, but they would need to be weakened enough that they would accept a truce. The expeditionary force rapidly secured control of Bolgar. However, a Kazakh counter-attack caught the army unawares and, while they inflicted heavy losses on the enemy, the Tverian commander decided to retreat lest more enemies arrive.
The wisdom of his decision as soon revealed. The Kazakhs completely overran the Tartar territory to the south of Tver, and seized control over the entire region.
Drunk on success – and Crimean wines – the Kazakh sought to make their first advances into Christan-held territory. However, the Tverian were made of much sterner stuff than the demoralised tartars they were used to fighting, and their assault force was rapidly repulsed.
Konstantin celebrated the victory by allowing Vladimirov to have a slightly bigger, more comfortable chair than other cabinet ministers. What harm could it do?
Peace, however, was to finally return to Tver as the Kazakhs asked for a truce. While the Tverians would have been able to make advances into this new foe, it was time for rest and consolidation. The army had been fighting solidly for a decade, but the gains were substantial: two more provinces, and the crown of Ryazan.
The cartographers complained that the nation’s name was still lop-sided, a matter that would have to be sorted by further European advances. Aesthetics aside, however, Konstantin was a happy man. And Tver was a happy nation.