Bohemia, part 2: The confrontation you've all wanted to see
Chaos, are you REALLY sure declaring war on Mazovia is a good idea?
"It's your idiot idea, Danny boy --- ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!"
Watch who you're calling idiot, twerp.
"The power grows on you, doesn't it?"
Well, yeah, I guess it does.
"As a wise man once said, it's good to be the king."
My question?
Chaos snorted. "What could possibly go wrong?"
You might want to take a look at this.
"(%*^()#($(%)_!_!)($!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111"
You actually said each one of those verbally? And what's with the ones at the end?
"Don't worry about it. All right, stay calm. What's the worst that can happen?"
You do realize that you've just asked two of the all time worst questions?
"You know, I've thinking about ret--- AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!"
I saved you from certain doom. You'll thank me later.
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While Bohemia easily contained Mazovia and Austria, the mighty Liege was much more aggressive. Amid cries of "No bullets, that's cheating!" and "Make love, not war!" and "This is most uncool!", the Bohemian forces in France suffered setback after setback after an initial victory.
One conversation between Bohemian Bohemian soldiers tells the entire tale.
"These cannons are insanely loud!"
"Yeah man! It's like a thunderstorm! Complete with lightning!"
"I don't want to seem like a wuss but... I'm scared."
"Not as scared as Galileo was when the Catholic Church sought to execute, if not imprison him, for insisting that the previously held Ptolemaic system of astronomy might have some irregularities unaccounted for in his crude model of the universe."
"Um... fandango!"
And so on.
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Chaos glared at everything he saw. He was furious at his army's pathetic performance in Paris. (I am not furious at my awesome attribution of alliteration.)
"Humans! You're all a bunch of worthless hunks of meat! I'd rather get a fork in the eye than continue to live in one of your useless bags of flesh and bone! I cannot wait until I switch back!"
Two wounded Bohemians cheered him on. "Yeah, brother! Fight the power!"
"Metaphysical commentaries on the futility of the human condition rule!"
"Fandango!"
"We're not doing that any more."
"Okay, good."
You know, Chaos, I tried to warn you.
"I'll warn you!"
You'll do nothing of the sort. Quiet, before I make you trip and fall into dog poo.
Chaos huffed and fumed, but said nothing. Daniel took stock of the situation. In the meantime, body bags filled with the corpses of Bohemians arrived in Prague. The other Bohemians were depressed and bummed out until one of them discover that human femurs make excellent sticks for a steel drum, having much more strength than your average wooden drumstick. Before you ask, I do not have personal experience with this, so I could be wrong. If you elect to test my theory, please let me know. Also provide contact information so I can do you the favor of contacting your local policeman or equivalent, because if defiling a human corpse for the purpose of making music isn't illegal, it ought to be. Plus, you look shifty. You're probably guilty of something.
"Do we really have to, you know, care about France?"
I'm given to understand that many French do not, so I suppose that's not totally out of the question. What did you have in mind?
"Let Liege waste time in Paris and the environs. We build up our strength here, take out Mazovia and Austria, and then deal with Liege later."
I'm utterly shocked. You're the first one to want to hack people up.
"That was before I realized how hackable people are and how unpleasant being hacked up can be."
Does this change your attitude towards humanity?
"Not really. I still think you're a bunch of chumps."
I wish I could say I'm surprised. Still, it's a reasonable plan.
"Move your butts, you hippie drummers! We've got... concerts to plan! In Austria! And Mazovia!"
One looked suspiciously at Human-Chaos. "Are there going to be bullets at this concert?"
"Doesn't everybody bring flintlock muskets to a concert?"
A number of Bohemians had to agree that they had in the past, so the complainer quieted down.
Operation Ignore Liege had begun.
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The Bohemians squealed with glee (literally squealed. I demand you imagine a squealing Bohemian. I'll know if you aren't!) at the "success" of their concert. Austria was vanquished, and their city of Vienna belonged to Bohemia.
The actual battle had no casualties. Then one of the Bohemians insisted he could juggle grenades, but only if the fuses were lit, since it gave him something to focus on. He will not be missed. Their next campaign would prove to be more challenging, as the soldiers from Liege had invented and begun wearing ear plugs. The Bohemian solution -- pantomiming -- went very poorly because nobody likes mimes; in fact, it inspired Liege to greater combat victories.
The "general" of the Bohemian army -- chosen because he was big enough to play two drums at once -- wailed to Chaos. "Man, this is lame! It is the height of lameitudeinosity."
"So... try using your guns. Instead of the drums."
The "general" recoiled in horror. "But... that would be violence! And violence is wrong!"
"Did you try telling the Legions of Liege [hah!] that?"
"Yes, we did."
"And?"
"They shot us."
"QED."
The "general", confused, scratched his head. "QED? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Thus, it is demonstrated."
"You're demonstrated!"
Chaos, having had enough of the man's insolence, decapitated him in one swing of his musket. Given that muskets, apart from the bayonet, are dull, that should tell you the awesome power of Chaos's rage. Or the fragility of the neck of the Bohemian Bohemians. You can choose. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure story, except your choices are meaningless.
"Hey, Danarama, why are we getting beaten?"
Liege has a ten tech advantage. They have 34 tech. We have 24 tech.
"That stinks." Chaos took a moment to consider his options. "I've got it! We send wave after wave of men to their senseless deaths!"
How will that help us beat Liege?
"I didn't say anything about beating Liege. I'm still working on that."
You might want to think faster. Liege caught our army in Friesland as it was trying to escape.
"Can we please switch back?"
No.
"Jerk."
What was that?
"Uh... jerky! Do you want some beef jerky?"
That's thoughtful, but I'll pass.
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While Daniel and Chaos debated about the best way to contain Liege (debate is a strong word. Chaos wanted to rain hellfire and brimstone upon the Earth, cleaning it of the scourge that is humanity. Daniel, on the other hand, was seriously reconsidering Chaos's offer of beef jerky, as he was pretty hungry, before he remembered that incorporeal beings can't actually eat), Mazovia offered a peace.
Chaos signed the treaty, and sat down with a huge sigh of relief. "Thank Me that war is over with."
Um... Liege?
"Wait, we started the war with Mazovia."
Yes, and Liege took over when they joined the war.
"Can't you fix the Bohemians and make them proper soldiers?"
Sorry. I turned a couple into fluffy bunnies, but they still played the steel drums.
"The muskets?"
No, they used sticks.
"Can they fire the muskets?"
Steel drums can't fire muskets, Chaos. Don't be absurd.
"Can the bunnies fire muskets?"
No, they can't. They're bunnies.
"Then what good are they?"
They're fluffy bunnies. They're adorable.
"You're as bad as the damned Bohemians!" Chaos, master strategist, finally solved the quandary. By mounting muskets to the bottom of the steel drums and rigging an elaborate apparatus you'll have to imagine in your head, the Bohemians were tricked into firing muskets as they played. In order to cancel out the complete lack of accuracy possessed by drums that fired muskets through vibrations and possibly pulleys or ropes, Chaos ordered much larger concentrations of Bohemian troops. The result was an impressive victory.
Of course, the South African Bohemian Bohemians didn't get the message, and the small cavalry force was routed. At the Battle of Holstein, Bohemian Bohemians in Bohemia (well, in Europe, anyway) got revenge by routing a Liege army.
The Palatinate was defeated at the second Battle of Holstein and signed a white peace the next day.
As time progressed, however, despite several "victories", the Bohemians were losing more men than Liege. This was no big deal, in one sense, because Chaos didn't like them and the Bohemians had way more men than Liege, but the Bohemians were starting to lose interest in the war. A couple had actually noticed the muskets installed under their drums and the extra weight that the muskets included: Chaos decapitated them both, then wrote elaborate suicide notes to confuse the Bohemians. Given the love of a Bohemian for bad poetry written as a suicide note, this worked for longer than you might think. Of course, it's very difficult to cut off your own head without a guillotine, and since guillotines hadn't been invented yet, some of them got wise. Decapitations can only solve so many problems, and one of the problems they cannot solve is too many decapitations. Unless you decapitate the guy giving the decapitations, and that wasn't going to happen in this instance.
The new general of the Bohemian army protested the decapitations to Chaos. "Look, we're starting to doubt that these were suicides. I think you're responsible for it!"
"So?"
"So, you can't do that, dude! You can't decapitate us all!"
"Why not?"
This line of reasoning had not occurred to the general. As he tried to come up with a counter argument, Daniel whispered to Chaos. I think I've got a solution to our problem.
"You're going to sink Liege into the ocean?"
Er, no. Something involving less wholesale geographic destruction.
"Party pooper. What's your idea?"
I've gotten us an alliance.
"With who? Who would be big enough to matter but not so big they'd say no?"
I think you'll like our new partner.
Chaos started laughing. "Oh [expletive deleted] yeah!"
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Thus ends part two. I've got family coming into town on Thursday, so part three's status is unknown at this juncture. It might be Friday, it might be next Friday, it might be the Tuesday after that. I just don't know.