Nogai: No pain, Nogai... n*
*Thanks (or, depending on your point of view, recriminations) to
tamius23 for an exceptional (?) title.
Death carefully examined his glass.
Only three insect larvae. A new low, Bill!
Bill nodded solemnly, in recognition of his tremendous achievement. Not only did the eponymous bartender of Bill-Who-Once-Charged-A-Kidney-For-A-Cover-Charge-For-A-Band-That-Was-Never-Actually-Booked rarely wash his glasses, when he did, he made sure to use plenty of fecal matter as soap because a) fecal matter is cheaper than soap and b) Bill didn't really like his customers all that much. Those customers who were picky about their intestines brought their own glasses, which gave Bill an excuse to double charge them for their drinks. "Are you here to watch Daniel's adventures, Death?"
Yeah. Where's Order? He never missed an episode.
"The latest episode was cancelled."
For what?
"It was called on a count of stupid. Daniel got a mission to improve relations with the Papal States -- despite the Nogai having no earthly idea where the Pope was -- so he cancelled it. Instead, he got a mission to reclaim territory from Persia. Chaos made him declare war."
That probably didn't go well.
"No. Especially not when Milan dishonored the call, so Daniel declared war on Milan."
Wow. Maybe I should just call this bet now... Daniel has clearly lost it.
"I wouldn't call it insanity, Death. Maybe a touch of depression and the crushing certainty that 4PMs do not survive for long when completely encircled by two of the most powerful (and largest) countries in the game."
I suppose you're right. How long did it take?
"Two years. Bohemia (who was warleader in the fight with Milan) peaced out for little. Persia released the Golden Horde and took two provinces, leaving them an OPM. Daniel then broke the truce with Persia, who only took a little cash. Finally, he threw himself at Milan, who finally annexed him."
Doesn't sound very exciting.
"Nope. To make matters worse, Order lost a ton of money by taking the spread -- 1.5 years."
Tough break. How'd he pay it?
"He put it on his tab. You should like the next episode a little more."
Where are they going?
"Smolensk. Oh wait, that one's done too."
Really?
"Yep. Smolensk was an OPM but had a lot of cash. It took five wars with Polotsk to even get Polotsk to vassalize them. Lasted until 1750, and it only ended then because Daniel blew all of his cash on mercenaries which immediately died because he didn't pay any military maintenance."
Wow. So where now?
"Bohemia."
Death smiled.
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.
"Oh yeah, and they're in the middle of a war."
With whom?
"Magdeburg."
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Sorry for shoving two countries into one update, but to be honest, I think the sheer epicness of Bohemia will make up for it. Plus, it was an OPM. Still, here's a couple of pictures to whet your appetite in for 1750-1770.