The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

Gunnar II “Crotch-Rot” Haksonsson Crovan and Hakon IV Hakonsson Crovan

Co-Emperors of the Crovan Empire, Pontifix Maximii, The Shields of Olaf



In Which Pine-Nettles Are Placed
(11 November 1515 – 14 January 1516)




The Imperial Council was meeting in a new place: the Imperial Bedchambers. While Hakon was up and about within days of the Unfortunate Maiming, Gunnar was not. In fact, he had quite a nasty infection, so the Council met in his room. In spite of the screaming.





“Curse it doctor! Can’t you do anything to shut him up?”







“Oy Appreciate yer concerns, mum, but these here puine-nettles won’t insert themselves, right?” The doctor bent back over his screaming and writhing patient.”







“Olaf preserve me! The Agony! Ahhhhhh! Oh let me die brother! Let me die Auntie! Ahhhhh!”







“Aunt Asta…I know you looked long and hard for a good doctor, but, um, do you really think this is going to help him?”







“Seriously Hakon? Are we going to have this conversation again? The Doctor is a highly skilled physician, well versed not only in current medical practices, but also well versed in the lore of Olaf-approved treatments. In fact, your brother is receiving the same excellent care that your ancestor Gunnar I received!”







Hakon hung his head. Aunt Asta didn’t deserve him second-guessing her choices. The twins’ care had always been her first priority. “I’m sorry Aunt Asta. I guess listening to him scream like that, it just makes me sad, you know?”







Asta patted Hakon on the shoulder, almost maternally, “there, there child. It will be okay.” She turned to the doctor, sweating as he worked hard to insert the pine-nettle. “Perhaps the leech-treatment can wait until after the council-meeting?”







“Right-o mum,” the doctor grinned, “its not like ee’s goin anywhere right?” The doctor ruffled Gunnar’s hair.







Asta smiled, thin and triumphantly. “No, he won’t be going anywhere for quite some time. Dagmar, why don’t you sit by your husband and comfort him. Perhaps your dress can muffle his screaming and we can get some work done.”







Dagmar hated the woman, but she knew how to stay alive and besides, once Gunnar was mercifully done for, she could start planning her balls. “Of course, Princess Asta.”







“Oy, and I’ll save the 'whipping out of demons' for after yer fancy council too, yer majesties.”







Every man in the room grew pale, but Asta merely smiled thinly, “you do that doctor. Now, to the business at hand: running this realm.”







“Now then, let us start with a map of the Crovan Empire and Dependencies. As you can all see, we still have much work to do in reunited Scandinavia under our rule, but thanks to my father, we are well on the way in that regard.”







“Amongst our greater foes, Bohemia and Great Lithuania are working as hard as we are to consolidate a solid base for their future conflicts. They are still fighting over the Athenian succession, but they both have solid Mediterranean holdings, so hopefully they will fight often in the future.”







“More importantly, almost a quarter of our subjects have embraced our state church, Olaf be Praised,” and here, even Asta could not suppress a giggle, “and another quarter have accepted Audun as their Christ, Mistaken.”







“To help keep the piece, I’m going to recommend you two issue a new Edict of Tolerance of Heretical and Hellbound Heresies. And maybe this time make it actually tolerant.”







“Oh Aunt Asta! Don’t you know how to evangelize? You torment your opponents into Olaf’s arms by making any other life-choice unbearably painful!”







“Listen well, Hakon, bed-ridden tyrants make for easy targets for usurpers. We need a break from these incessant rebellions or the next one might cost you your head.” She glared menacingly at her nephew.”







Hakon shrank back from her overwhelming presence. “Of course, Aunt Asta…just issue whatever you think best.”

His brother’s screams were also getting to him, so Hakon called a close to the meeting and quickly fled the chamber along with most of the court. Asta, ever the loving aunt, remained by her nephew’s side.






“Oy mum, I dunno why you is insisting on no painkillers for de young em’prer. I could make ‘im quite comfortable ya know.”







“Your job is to apply leeches and shut up, doctor. I know what Gunnar needs.”

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